Become a Happier (Read: Better) Parent

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12 Apr 2012

Why do I hold myself – and my kids – to standards that make everyone crazy?

It is helpful to understand our preconceived notions of what constitutes a good parent. If your expectations are too high and unrealistic you will be making lots of unnecessary demands on yourself. This will contribute to feelings of inadequacy and then, probably, anger. If you can eliminate those expectations, or at least become aware of them, you will find you are much calmer and happier…which, in turn, means a better parent.

I found that I was working under the influence of the following  unrealistic expectations:

So, if you think that your children should always look neat and clean (you might not even be aware that you have this expectation), you will be fighting a lot of battles with your kids. There will be lots of anger. If you think that every moment you are with your child you should try to stimulate and educate them, you will be pretty frustrated with yourself when you are tired, annoyed and low on patience.

If you think your kids should act perfectly at your Shabbat table, you will likely feel overwhelmed by the spilled wine, challah crumbs everywhere and kids fighting.

So take a few minutes. Are your expectations of your parenting reasonable or are they almost unattainable? Create a more realistic picture of what makes a good parent. It might help you get to the root of your anger and get rid of it for good.

We also need to look at the expectations that we have of our children. They may be unrealistic as well.
We might think:

Upon examination, we might find that some of the expectations we hold are quite silly. If we can modify them a bit we would be a lot happier.

Try to take the time to determine whether your expectations – of both yourself and your child – are unrealistic. It will help you pinpoint the source of some of your angry feelings. You will then be in a much better position to let them go.

Adina Soclof, MS. CCC-SLP, works as a Parent Educator for Bellefaire Jewish Children’s Bureau facilitating How to Talk so Kids will Listen and Listen so Kids will Talk workshops as well as workshops based on Siblings Without Rivalry. Adina also runs


The words of this author reflect his/her own opinions and do not necessarily represent the official position of the Orthodox Union.