Don’t Go Under the Knife So Fast

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This is a response to the article printed in the Jewish Press, Purim and The Tyranny Of Beauty: A Plea to Mothers of Girls in Shidduchim.

 

I was rendered absolutely speechless by a Jewish Press article entitled Purim and The Tyranny Of Beauty: A Plea to Mothers of Girls in Shidduchim, in which the author, Mrs. Yitta Halberstam, urges mothers that: “There is no reason in today’s day and age with the panoply of cosmetic and surgical procedures available, why any girl can’t be transformed into a swan.” Furthermore, mothers are encouraged to “borrow the money if [they] have to….”

A number of procedures are actively encouraged or tacitly condoned through a friend’s story: “…a nose job….gastric bypass …botox injections….her teeth were capped…..and she wears violet-blue contact lenses.” In response to the criticism that “there’s practically nothing about her that’s real” comes the rebuttal: “She’s getting married next month!”

It’s no surprise that many men like thin, pretty women. Nevertheless, while Judaism places value on beauty, it is not the highest priority. Let us look at who was attracted primarily to beauty.

The article came out around Purim and references the holiday in its title, so let’s start there. Esther was beautiful and the fact that she married the king turned out to be a good thing for the Jewish people, but was Ahasuerus whom Esther would have aspired to marry? Here was a man who chose his wife through a beauty pageant. He also wanted to trot out his first wife, Vashti, so he could show her off like a piece of meat. When she failed to comply, it was goodbye, Vashti! So, king or not, Ahasuerus was no prize.

Sarah was also known for her great beauty. In Genesis 12:11, after decades of marriage, Abraham (then still called Abram) said to Sarah (still known as Sarai), “Now I know that you are a beautiful woman….” Because of their great modesty and the emphasis they placed on character, Abraham truly didn’t realize how beautiful Sarah was. It was only as they were about to enter Egypt, where Sarah’s beauty could lead to trouble, did her looks even occur to Abraham. Sure enough, Sarah was abducted by Pharaoh, whose first and only concern was beauty.

The parsha of Ki Seitzei (Deuteronomy, Chapter 21) tells us about the case of a soldier who sees a beautiful captive girl whom he wishes to marry. The very next scenario in the Torah is the case of a man who hates his wife. Rashi on verse 21:11 cites the Midrash that the hated wife of the second case is the same as the beautiful girl of the first case. Her beauty, while compelling enough for infatuation, simply wasn’t a basis for a lasting relationship.

Let us contrast these cases with Ruth. How beautiful was Ruth? Who knows? All we know is that Boaz was attracted to her modesty and her fine character traits (see Talmud Shabbos 113b). Ruth also attracted attention, but she attracted the right kind of attention from the right kind of person.
Yes, the woman who had all of the cosmetic surgery performed is getting married, but is she marrying the right kind of person? Did she attract an Ahasuerus or a Boaz? (As a friend of mine put it, she’s marrying a man who loves her for everything that she’s not.)

Mrs. Halberstam is kind enough to disclose that she herself does not have a daughter. She has a son who, happily, is in great demand. But how would it fly if she were advised that her son could attract far more beautiful girls if he gave up his studies and focused all his efforts on making as much money as possible? Yes, it would work, but no doubt those are not the kinds of girls he wishes to attract. Similarly, girls who follow the advice to undergo surgery may attract boys, but will they be the ones they want?

There’s nothing wrong with beauty. Nice hair, clothes, make-up and nails are all advisable. And yes, there may be extreme cases where surgery is called for. That’s a very personal decision and it should not be undertaken lightly. A blanket call to botox and nose jobs, however, is simply misplaced. We live in a society where girls’ self-esteem is under constant bombardment. Eating disorders based on unrealistic body-image expectations are at a record high. We need to fight back against these trends, not give into them.

King Solomon tells us in Proverbs 31:30, familiar from Eishes Chayil, that “charm is deceptive and beauty is fleeting; a God-fearing woman is the one to be praised.” We like beauty. We like charm. They’re just not our priority. Beauty is only skin deep and it will pass with time. A person’s true measure, man or woman, is their character. Strive for a Boaz.

 

Rabbi Jack Abramowitz is Torah Content Editor at the Orthodox Union. He is the author of four books, including The Tzniyus Book, available on Amazon. His fifth book, The Taryag Companion, is anticipated for summer 2012.

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COMMENTS
  • Jappy8

    As an anesthesiologist I am shocked that a mother would purport cosmetic surgery for her child. It’s one thing if the child is miserable because she has an unusually large nose but weight in a young person can be controlled by exercise and eating habits. Liposuction is flat out dangerous and often deadly! And gastric bypass?!!! Those patients very often just gain it all back. What about death under anesthesia and surgery?!!! Some research is advised before making very stupid suggestions to a sheltered general public.

    • MDanesthesiologist

      As an anesthesiologist, I think “often deadly” is grossly over exaggerated for liposuction. In addition, while people who have had gastric bypass are unlikely to achieve the slim figures they’re looking for, they rarely gain “it all” back. Also, death from surgery or anesthesia in a young healthy person is exceedingly rare. Obviously, the fact that people should have surgery for every little thing that they deem imperfect about themselves is excessive but you are clearly overstating the risks of these procedures.

  • LJ

    I couldn’t agree more. Beautifully, eloquently, succinctly, and poignantly put.
    I kept waiting for you to tell me that Yitta was quoting these as an example of absurdity, not as an actual expression of her beliefs…especially given that, unless something has changed, she herself (not entirely unlike this writer) has had a (publicized in her own writings) lifetime struggle with weight. Thin would not be a word to describe her…makes one wonder about her sense of self as a woman, not a dress size…HaShem yirahem. We have young men marrying for dress size, bra size, and the size of a father-in-laws bank account. Great foundation for a Bayit Ne’eman, isn’t it? Small wonder the divorce rate is skyrocketing and families are falling apart.
    So sad.
    Thanks again for the brilliantly worded voice of sanity!

    • LJ

      (just to clarify, the above reply is not to the previous replies, but to the article.)

  • Acbeach

    I am obese.  I have a number of health risks because of this.  I want to live life longer,be able to get around so I can enjoy my grandchildren and possible  look for shadichum. I am sronlgly considering weight loss surgery. Is it so wrong to do this?  Anonmymous

    • Simifeigen

      for health reasons, go for it! It will save your life!

    • Mago Amiga

      Consider to try overeaters anonymous and keep in mind that there are no magic solutions. Your subconsius is telling you that when you’ll be thin you´ll be loved and will have a long  happy life. You can achieve it by healthier ways. And the body it´s not yours to with it as you please, its a loan by G’.

    • Sheyna

      Surgery for health reasons is different from surgery for aesthetic reasons, and the decision should be made with appropriate professional advice, like any other medical decision. 

    • Kim Tran

      I am no expert but it seems to me that if other attempts at losing weight have failed, AND one’s health is at issue — surgery might be considered.  But please consider the risks involved in such a thing and the long term repercussions (like not being able to eat more than a walnut sized portion of food….ever!!…even at grandson’s bar-mitzvah!)

      There are some alternatives like a weight loss center or spa that would put you in an environment with food and exercises designed for you to lose that weight and get in shape as well.  The cost might be worth it, particularly when considering the cost and risk of surgery.  

      • Observer

         Please do not spread inaccurate information about this kind of surgery. I’m not suggesting that surgery should be undertaken lightly. But, what you are saying about the long terms of the surgery is simply not true; I know people who have undergone various forms of this surgery. And, for some people diet is simply not enough for some reason.

        As for cost, that’s a whole different discussion. The true cost to a particular person depends on a number of factors including health care coverage and lost income.

    • A Canadian Sister

      Shalom dear Acbeach,
      Consider a sickly little child that no one wants. One day, a kind stranger comes along: a doctor, who can help heal this child and give her a home, as he and his wife are childless.  He has devoted himself to healing people for HaShem.  His wife has devoted herself to doing kindnesses for others.  They are not concerned with how their actions seem to others, they just do for HaShem.  They adopt the sickly child and she grows strong and healthy by their skill and attention and love.  Go out there, dear Sister, and find those ones HaShem has given to help heal you and to nurture you to your full good health, which is itself a beauty.  As you seek those healers, think of how HaShem blessed them with the special skills to help you, that all the years of their training and practice, He was preparing them for such a moment when you would come along to benefit by them.  May He bless you with all the very best He wants for you, His child.

  • StefanoNBelinda

    I didn’t read Halberstam’s book, but I too am horrified that this is what so-called “frum Judaism” is descending to. It reminds me of an old parody my old next-door neighbor used to sing when he got drunk ….

    “After the ball was over Nellie took out her glass eye Put her false teeth in water Corked up her bottle of dye Put her peg leg in the corner Hung up her wig on the door And all that is left goes to bye byes After the ball”

    • ssbobster

      Nellie had gone home alone, presumably.  ; )

    • LJ

      Her article, not book

  • Julia Arango

    Rabbi Abramowitz is right that a person’s true measure is his/her character. And yes, we women should want to marry a man like Boaz . But alas, the hard cold truth is although  there are few Boazes out there, there are many decent kind men who still want a beautiful woman. I know women who’ve had procedures (medical and cosmetic) who got married. But the guys married them for who they truly were…after they got the guys attention! I know for myself that I feel better after having my hair done at Bensimon Salon!

    • Thelitlkahuna

      There’s a big difference between getting your hair done and plastic surgery.

  • Ruth Licht

    This article is very interesting, but it seems as if the author is addressing women.  It is the men who are looking for a partner in life that need the education.  I know several accomplished women who just happen to have large body frames and are certainly not fat but they have a full figure.  They would make wonderful wives and mothers, but since they aren’t a size two they are not given a chance.  Yes, it’s the men who need to take another look at their values.

  • bgl

    As a male, I find make-up and nail polish a turn off.  My wife puts on make-up on occasion (yuck) and wears nail polish.  She certainly doesn’t do it for me!

    • Leliannan

      My husband also can’t stand make-up.  When I wear it, I wear it for myself.  He’d generally rather I didn’t.

  • Avigail

    A man, no matter how stupid, ugly or inhumane, thinks he deserves a goddess and never wants to close himself off from that possibility: “Well, this woman is very nice, but what if someone better comes along?” This is why synagogues are full of single women and a few men who’ve become little more than predators. Even with all the plastic surgery in the world, you’ve no guarantee that you won’t be dumped for a better option as soon as she presents herself. Love has become meaningless and derided, commitment is put off as long as possible. Frumster is full of men in their late 40′s and 50′s who just now want to start families – all with women 20 years younger, who look like the photo-shopped models on the covers of magazines. Even with plastic surgery (soon it will be expected and demanded), I couldn’t compete with photo-shop. I have simply given up on marriage to a Jewish man or children. The way things have become, I don’t see how we will survive as a people.

    • ERA

      Please don’t give up on a Jewish marriage! You’re bashert (intended match) is out there somewhere, as practical and straight-seeing as you! Keep looking and may HaShem be with you.

      • Avigail

         Thanks. You gave me a good laugh. For every crooked pot, there’s a crooked lid? Unfortunately, I think people are kidding themselves, or are simply naive, about how bad things have become. I find the Rav’s response here rather tepid, but I suppose we should give him a cookie for making the quixotic attempt. Sadly, the women who are held up to us as ideal, and who pollute the pornographied imaginations of men, have already had the plastic surgery  – now required of us all. I thought, as Jews, we should struggle against the importation of the dominant culture’s values, especially in this hurtful regard, but the war was lost long ago. We are awash in images of female beauty that are as stringent as they are unreal. And he wantsss one, my Preciousss. It is a sickness that renders the concept of bashert meaningless.

        • LJ

          Your bitterness and disgust is palpable, and will certainly guarantee that you will get exactly what you expect.
          In my world, kind, caring, loving, TRUE Torah young men are marrying stunning women – women made that way by HaShem, not plastic surgeons – with sterling midos to match.
          In my world, kind, caring, loving, TRUE Torah young men are marrying highly imperfect from a superficial perspective – even (GASP!) overweight women (sometimes the men are as well, sometimes not)…even (double gasp!) FAT women! Because (triple gasp?) there still exist men who marry for midos (though I will readily admit this variety may be becoming fewer and farther between) – if their women happen to be pleasing to the eye, it’s a cherry on the cake. And there are women who appreciate and accentuate their individual, unique G-d given beauty – who will not conform to societal pressure, will not forget what makes a true eyshes chayil, will not forget that becoming one does not require a husband – who turns ONLY to HaShem, remembering always that it is HASHEM who makes a shidduch and that looking to the right or the left (i.e., “be thinner” “go under the knife to be prettier” “men are pigs” “such a terrible crisis” etc) but only to HaShem, for however long they need to do so, will be blessed with a good and fulfilling life – whether blessed with a husband or not – and if so blessed, with a man who deserves her, and loves her for who she is, not how she looks or the size she wears. I.e., he will see her as beautiful because he is looking at HER – not her shell.
          Maybe it’s time to move to a midwest town? Take heart – may HaShem help!!!!!!!!

  • Rochel

    Wow, thanks for this great response!  Another good example is what Eliezer sought in a shidduch for Yitzchak– i.e., chesed!  Surely the young Halberstam gentleman could not be a better “catch” than Yitzchak Avinu, and, as parents, our expectations shouldn’t be any higher than those of Avraham & Sarah were– but they knew what to look for in a mate, what is truly important and will have a profound impact on the marriage– lovingkindness & generosity!

  • CM

    I really hope the author hears this:While I totally hear your perspective, I am a single female over 30.  I am pretty secure with my looks, thank G-d a million billion times for that.  Perhaps this will make my comments heard differently.  
    From the perspective of those who are single, here’s what single females go through–even religious ones. The torah, as you’ve quoted above, stresses insides mostly. The guys, who live in the 21st C, and we are talking religious and many learning even–prioritize beauty.  Not everyone, true, but many. So girls get one theoretical message in the abstract sense–what they hear in classes, values, etc–but in practice often experience a totally different set of rules.
    Tzipora Heller once taught the Maharal that says women prioritzie getting loved over respect, and men prioritize respect over love…and that girls dress/act in a way they think will make them beloved to a man–or, when single, to ‘men’ so she can find the right one. When we get messages from religious men–and they are encouraged all over the place within the community–by matchmakers, well meaners, rabbis, and all those tora examples that do stress beuaty–Sara, Esther, etc. girls feel the message stressed everywhere in society is being supported within the religious community. What women need is reassurance, that we will be loved and appreciated and even attracted to for who we are.  The message that “I love you just the way you are’ is really not heard enough.  Think of the person who is all tucked, Toxed and Tanned–is she really loved as she is, like you mention?  Telling us platitudes from the Good Book is nice and no doubt holy.  Rebbizting Kotelr (brought down in a story about her) was not concerned at all with her external image—she was totally about the inside. Rarely though do you meet men who will just look at the inside, and so, women today just want to basically get married and have a happy life.  What the article (which i heard about but haven’t read) is probably saying is–this is how to snag your man, do what you must.  With great respect to your very well intended outcry–and it does need to be stated—don’t you think you need to be talking to the boys?  Even married women today may need to dress extra well, because of husbands being exposed to all kinds of dolled up females in the workplace. The issue is the men–it seems….no?

    • Rabbi Jack Abramowitz

      I say that surgery is “a very personal decision and it should not
      be undertaken lightly” and that “a blanket call to botox and nose jobs…is simply misplaced.” I’m not saying it’s prohibited or that no one should be permitted to do so if they so desire, just that the article calling for such actions on a large scale over-emphasizes it. If an individual feels it will make her feel better about herself, such is her prerogative. It should not, however, be standardized as a rite of passage for women, e.g. turn 18, get lipo; turn 21, get botox, etc.

      I address women in this piece because it is a response to an article that spoke to women. Sometimes my articles on these topics speak to men and boys (see for example http://www.ou.org/index.php/shabbat_shalom/article/86416/). In fact, while The Tzniyus Book is intended primarily for girls, there is a chapter in it called “A Chapter for the Boys!”

    • Observer

       Of course we need to be talking to the boys! That’s actually one of the reasons that the article sparked outrage. Instead of addressing the audience it should have – the “boys” and their mothers, it addressed the young women and their mothers with the absurd notion that you should “do whatever it takes” even if that’s dangerous, stupid, unrealistic, presents all sorts of problems, and has halachik issues.

  • Yonatan

    In the original article, Yitta interviews women (e.g., by reading resumes) and decides who is good enough to even meet her son (who, by the way, in passing, she just happens to mention gets lots of resumes, will one day have a PhD, and can walk on water.)

    In all the cases from the Torah discussed in Rabbi Abramowitz’s article, imagine if mothers like Yitta had decided whether the women were beautiful enough for their sons.

    Solomon, would have probably have ended up single (after all, who would be good enough to marry a son who’s a king and may one day get a PhD?)

  • Rahel Sharon Jaskow

    This is what I wish someone would tell the guys:

    OK, so you want to marry a beautiful wife. Fair enough. But what happens afterward? What will you think of her as she’s running herself into exhaustion caring for the children while holding down a job and running the house? Will you think: What a wonderful wife I have! Look at all the amazing things she does for me and for our home! Or will you think: Wow, she’s looking a bit gone to seed… too bad — time to find somebody else….

    I know which kind of man I’d want to marry.

    It seems that the frum marriage market is pandering to the lowest common denominator. It is keeping young men in a fantasy world and not helping them prepare for
    real life, where people get the flu, have morning sickness, get wrinkled
    and gray. By doing so, it is being as unfair to the men as it is to the women.

    • Shoshanna Sanders

      I think there is a lot of pressure in the yeshivish world even for married women with kids to keep up an extensive beauty/fitness/fashion routine and NOT “go to seed”.  I’ve seen that based on the responses to the original article from people in that world.  That may be true more in some neighborhoods than others.  I myself saw a young mother yesterday at the doctor’s teetering around on 5 inch heels while carrying a toddler.  So I think there is some expectation that the future wife and mother will keep up her appearance. And surely when her daughters are of marrying age there are consequences for her looks.  One of the reasons that was given for paying so much attention to the girls’ use of makeup is because it’s an indication of whether she will use it in her 40′s when she really “needs” it to look decent.
      I’m not defending this way of thinking, just explaining how it works.  These boys and their mothers know that looks will fade.  they are looking for a woman who values her appearance and will put more and more effort (and $) into it as she ages.  That’s why Ms. H. was looking for very painted girls, who would probably glow without the makeup anyway.  The key word is “trying”.  Is this a woman who will keep “trying” even as she gets older?I also think that’s why they value the bungalow colony experience.  The rules relax there and you can dress more casually in ‘”the country”.

  • Sfeldman105

    As someone who is a scientist, has come late to orthodoxy and has 2 sons as a single mother, I see that many women in my shul just accept the way their mothers see the world and have little for themselves outside of children. When their children are grown, what will they have? Too much conformity in the orthodox world, especially for women. Maybe feeling good about yourself should have to do with your own accomplishments not how your husband sees you (or your sisterhood, etc.) Because in the end we all have to stand up alone and be judged as to what good did we do for the world.  

    • LJ

      When their children are grown, G-d willing they will have grandchildren. And more time to volunteer for charitable organizations that they care about, or to get a job.
      And as for “what good did we do for the world”…i cannot think of more good for the world a woman can do than to raise G-d fearing, erliche Yiddin who love, learn and live according to Torah. That’s the entire purpose of life. I’m all for pursuing life “outside of children,” IF a woman needs to do so for a sense of fulfillment.
      I personally have seen nothing more beautiful that a woman who derives her fulfillment in mothering her children. Speaking of beauty, i think that is among the most beautiful things to behold. (I obviously mean in a healthy way, when a woman understands and appreciates that she is the “Kohen Gadol in galus” – doing the holiest work on earth and honored to be doing so, able to love and nurture her children for who they are – not in a possessive or superficial way (where the children are raised to be status symbols, as dysfunctional extensions of their parents, or as a means to get attention from others).
      Ironic – I see women who are so distracted with “self-fulfillment” “outside their children” that their children and relationship with them suffers…sometimes terribly (and to the extent that the child(ren) are essentially driven “off the derech,” chas v’Shal-m. Heck, once the job doesn’t do the trick anymore, or doesn’t want to employ them anymore, they really ARE alone – because they didn’t prioritize cultivating a meaningful and enduring bond with their (now grown and/or married with kids of their own) children while there was still time.
      Many ways to look at it.

  • Ann

    Rabbi, with all due respect, you are missing the point in your response.  It is not that “It’s no surprise that many men like thin, pretty women,” but that their values should be elsewhere.  The point is that the random societal conceptions of how women should look are not BEAUTY.  Beauty is something more than that.  Beauty is not something that should be marginalized in the face of other priorities, as you say, but instead is something that encompasses them.  True beauty emanates from women who are intelligent, caring, fearful of God, and have other meaningful traits.  You should ready Rabbi Shmuley Boteach’s articles on the same subject and learn about true beauty and women: http://www.jewishpress.com/sections/family/rabbi-shmuley-boteach-make-men-more-mature-rather-than-send-girls-under-the-knife/2012/03/28/

    • Rabbi Jack Abramowitz

      Rabbi Boteach’s response and my own are not mutually exclusive. I have seen a number of responses to this article that take a number of different approaches. Rather than “missing the point,” it’s that Approach A speaks to this group of people, Approach B to that group, etc. If we’re all on the same side, does it matter if we agree for different reasons?

      Based on your comments, I would think that you have not read my book or my other articles on this topic. That’s okay. But in this article, I am responding to a particular piece that deals with one’s external physicality. I chose to address the matter on the table, not redefine the terms. In other contexts, I might take other approaches. I don’t disagree with your definitions of the broader parameters of beauty, it’s just not what I happen to be discussing here.

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  • Eleibow

    I belive there’s a saying “Beauty is skin deep”. 

  • ChanaLeiba Tarshis

    AWESOME article!!! Nice to see that Torah-observant men can be feminists too! On behalf of Jewish women everywhere, THANK YOU for sharing your insight! It makes me sad to think that someone familiar with Torah would encourage a girl to alter her body surgically to get a man. Oy, I wouldn’t want to be that lady’s daughter-in-law! YIKES!!!