As people age, it is unfortunately too common for medical professionals and others to speak directly to adult children or caregivers, ignoring the elderly patient in front of them. At the heart of this dynamic is the assumption that age has made older adults too frail or cognitively impaired to respond, remember, or make decisions for themselves.
As a geriatric care manager in the New York metropolitan area, Bella Kirschner helps older adults and their families navigate the complexities of aging. She explains that ageism, the assumption that older adults are inherently physically, cognitively, or socially limited, can erode seniors’ confidence, autonomy, and overall quality of life. We spoke with Bella about the common ways that ageism manifests in our communities and how we can ensure older adults are treated with the respect and dignity they deserve.
OU: What are some common ways people unintentionally make seniors feel overlooked, belittled, or infantilized, and where does this tend to happen most frequently?
BK: Ageism often appears in everyday interactions, including:
- Medical settings: As mentioned earlier, doctors or staff speak to family members or aides instead of the older adult.
- Social/family interactions: Friends or relatives fill in words or thoughts without giving the senior time to respond.
- Community/shul events: Older adults may be overlooked for committees, invitations, or advice, despite a lifetime of wisdom.
- Financial situations: Staff or family may assume an elderly person’s hearing difficulties equal cognitive decline, limiting independence unnecessarily.
- Decision-making: Choices are made for older adults rather than with them, even when they are fully capable of participating.
- Daily tasks at home: Caregivers or family members may take over tasks that seniors can safely do themselves or restrict their financial independence.
Though well-intended, these behaviors can feel dismissive and deeply diminishing.
OU: If someone wants to improve their daily interactions with seniors, what are your top do’s and don’ts for making them feel seen, heard, and respected?
BK: Do
- Speak directly to seniors and allow them to answer for themselves in medical or family settings.
- Give time for older people to gather their thoughts, especially for those with strokes, Parkinson’s, or dementia.
- Ask elderly people for their opinions and value their life experience; they have wisdom to share.
- Encourage seniors to be independent in daily tasks, even small ones like shopping, choosing clothing, or tipping at a salon.
- Offer genuine friendship and kindness. Many older adults are very lonely and crave meaningful connections beyond superficial greetings.
Don’t
- Assume hearing difficulty equals cognitive limitation.
- Complete tasks that seniors can safely do themselves.
- Make decisions unnecessarily on behalf of an older person, particularly financial or lifestyle choices.
- Assume that you know an older loved one’s long term wishes regarding their living situation. Ask them.
- Dismiss a senior’s change of mind regarding prior life decisions. Listen to their concerns.
Bottom line: Remember the Torah principle of Honoring our Elders. Listen. Be patient. Give seniors as much control and choice as is safe. Show dignity, compassion, and respect.
Bella Kirschner has over 24 years of experience in the aging field. As a caregiver for her own parents — her mother, a Holocaust survivor with Alzheimer’s, and her 95-year-old father, a veteran living in a nursing home — she brings personal insight to every professional engagement. For the past decade, she has run her own geriatric care management practice, helping older adults maintain independence, dignity, and peace of mind. She is a member of the Aging Life Care Association (ALCA). Bella can be reached at 516-847-1234 or bkirschner@myelderadvocate.com.