Long Winter Friday Nights Are the Perfect Opportunity to Welcome Single, Divorced, and Widowed People into Our Homes
For families and couples, Shabbat is often a cherished time of warmth and connection. For those who are single, divorced, and widowed, however, Shabbat can carry a different emotional weight. During the long winter months, when Friday nights feel especially drawn out, Shabbat can quietly amplify feelings of isolation, especially when spent eating alone or without companionship.
For Shoshi Glazer, of Baltimore, Maryland, those long winter Friday nights are not theoretical. As a single woman herself, she has become acutely aware of how communal norms around Shabbat can often leave singles feeling unseen or overlooked. Glazer, a paralegal for a school system, channels those lived experiences into her volunteer work supporting Orthodox singles of all ages and life stages through her nonprofit, A Single Impact, which offers advocacy, resources, and opportunities for connection.
“Watching families walk home from shul when you have no invites can be really challenging, especially when you know you’ll be eating quickly and then have hours of time to fill before it’s late enough to go to bed,” she says.
Rabbi Yisrael Motzen encounters similar dynamics within his own congregation. As the rabbi of Baltimore’s Ner Tamid Greenspring Valley Congregation, he has a keen understanding of how deeply Shabbat’s family-centered structure can affect those who experience it differently.
“Shabbat is, on the one hand, the most enjoyable day for many families,” he reflects. “But precisely because there is so much warmth on such a day, it can be especially lonely for those who don’t have the embrace of a family.”
This sensitivity also informs his broader communal work, including his role as director of the OU’s Kol Echad initiative, which is dedicated to fostering a sense of belonging for every member of the community.
Rabbi Motzen believes that welcoming single, divorced, and widowed individuals for Shabbat begins with a community mindset focused on inclusion and connection.
“We need to open our eyes a little more to those around us,” he says. “It’s hard. We have a long week and many of us just want to unwind in the most comfortable way possible. That may not always include having a guest who you are not as friendly with, or any guests. That’s very fair. But it doesn’t have to be all or nothing. Perhaps once every four weeks we can make sure we think beyond our immediate circles and invite someone who may appreciate an invitation.”
Before extending an invitation, Glazer and Rabbi Motzen suggest these best practices to make the experience feel welcoming and respectful, rather than awkward or uncomfortable:
1. Invite early, with a specific meal in mind.
“I find it more comfortable when the host invites me directly,” Glazer says. “’Let me know when you want to come’ sounds nice, but if couples and families are invited early in the week with a specific meal in mind, the same should be the norm for singles.”
Rabbi Motzen adds, “No one wants to feel like an afterthought. A last minute invitation or a wide open invitation can imply that the guest is not wanted. It’s as simple as imagining this single individual is a couple. It would be strange to invite a couple on Friday morning. It would also be strange to invite a couple by saying, ‘Come whenever you’d like!’ They wouldn’t know what to do with that. Instead, invite all guests for a specific date and meal and do so by Wednesday at the latest.”
2. Express that you truly want their company.
Glazer notes, “Rather than asking, ‘Do you need a meal?’, say, ‘We’d love the pleasure of your company.’ Instead of saying, ‘Reach out when you need a meal,’ ask, ‘What works for your schedule?’ No one wants a pity invite, but rather a host that genuinely wants to form a connection.”
3. Remember divorcees and widowed people with children.
Glazer notes that singles with their own families may not get invited out for meals, as it might be assumed they’re all set. “They might be, but if it’s yom tov they may also not want to spend six meals with the same people, and may welcome the opportunity to interact with others.”
4. Seat singles with fellow adults.
“Do not place a single man or woman at a children’s section of the table,” implores Rabbi Motzen. “It’s sad that I have to say this out loud, but it seems like some people do this sometimes.”
A more common oversight, he says, is not engaging everyone at the table and allowing the conversations to exclude single men and women. “If the entire meal is dominated by a conversation that is unique to people who are married or have children, that’s just not menchlich.”
This does not mean that you should shy away from speaking about such topics with a single person at the table, Rabbi Motzen says. “It just means being conscientious and making sure everyone at the table is engaged.”
5. Tread carefully around shidduch suggestions.
Sometimes hosts may make well-intentioned comments that can inadvertently increase a guest’s feelings of self-consciousness. “If you have a dating suggestion, ask if the person is interested to hear it at that time, and accept the answer,” says Glazer. “There may be many personal reasons for the guest to decline.”
BONUS: Think beyond Shabbat and yom tov.
Glazer adds that singles welcome the chance to be invited to events beyond Shabbat or yom tov meals. Consider inviting them for havdalah, break-fasts, and Chanukah candle lighting. With Purim coming up, Purim seudot and mishloach manot are also meaningful opportunities to show singles that they are valued members of the community.
To learn more about Kol Echad and sign up for our e-magazine, visit ou.org/kol-echad. To explore A Single Impact’s resources, visit asingleimpact.com.