Tips from Rivka Resnik, Author and Curriculum Director at Living Smarter Jewish
Mazel Tov — your child is engaged!
While this milestone marks the beginning of a beautiful new chapter, for many Orthodox parents it also brings the challenge of navigating the significant financial responsibility of making a wedding.
Rivka Resnik, financial literacy author and mother of eight, shares both expert and personal tips for cutting expenses while still creating a beautiful and memorable simcha.
What’s the best way for families to prepare in advance for weddings while avoiding unnecessary financial tension?
My husband and I are an upper-middle class couple. We have always been prudent and thrifty with our money, including when it comes to our simchas. When you think about simchas on a modest, affordable scale, a wedding does not feel as scary or overwhelming from a monetary perspective.
We also began having financial conversations early. When our eldest child was five, we opened a custodial account for each of our children specifically for their weddings. Depending on the state, the funds legally become the children’s at age 18 or 21. As our children grew, we showed them the balance and how it increased over time. This helped set realistic expectations and reduced pressure later on.
In the end, Baruch Hashem, we did not need the custodial account money to pay for our children’s weddings. We gave it to them when they reached adulthood and they were thrilled to have the savings, which gave them a bit of financial security.
Starting to save money early keeps the conversation calm, practical, and positive instead of stressful and last-minute.
For families who didn’t start saving early, what can they do now to manage wedding expenses without going into debt?
Start by being honest about what you can realistically afford and build the wedding around that number. It may feel uncomfortable at first, especially if you are comparing your wedding to others in your community or family, but that clarity will actually bring a sense of calm.
Once you have a clear budget, decisions become much easier. It is far better to make a smaller, more manageable simcha than to take on financial strain that will affect your family afterward; a wedding lasts one night, but the financial impact can last for years. Stay realistic and remember that a meaningful simcha does not require going into debt.
How can parents and children have healthy, respectful conversations when their expectations for the wedding differ — especially when a child may have a vision or request that the parents simply can’t afford to fulfill?
Start by listening. Really listening. A chatan and kallah often have a vision for their wedding, and it is important for them to feel heard and respected. At the same time, parents have real financial limits, and those limits need to be communicated clearly and calmly. Be honest about what is affordable. Not everything can be a “yes,” and that is okay. It can be very helpful to reframe the conversation. Instead of simply saying no, explain the trade-offs: “If we spend more in this area, it will need to come from somewhere else.” Stay calm and pleasant. In the long run, children appreciate clarity, honesty, and the values behind those decisions far more than any one detail of the wedding.
How should parents approach conversations with the other side about who is responsible for which wedding expenses, in a way that maintains shalom and avoids misunderstandings?
Clarity and responsibility early on are key. Have the conversation early, in a calm and respectful way. Each side should clearly state the amount they can contribute, rather than offering a vague or open-ended commitment. When the numbers are clear, it removes uncertainty and helps everyone plan responsibly. With that in place, both families can work together with a shared understanding of what is realistic. This is not about who is doing more; it is about creating a simcha in a way that feels comfortable for both families and protects the relationship.
What are some ways to plan a simcha that is meaningful but still within a budget?
- Trim the guest list considerably. One of the most effective ways to reduce costs is to refrain from inviting very distant relatives and acquaintances. Instead of paid e-vites, which can add up quickly, opt for personalized emails, even to those not on your guest list but with whom you’d still like to share the news. A sample script might be: “Although we haven’t been in touch in a while, we just wanted to share our happy news with you that our Blimi is getting married to Baruch!” This allows you to share the simcha warmly without expanding the guest list.
- Avoid upgrades and choose simplicity. Standard tablecloths and décor are perfectly fine. For centerpieces, rather than fresh flowers, consider tall candelabras that can be borrowed from local gemachs. Keep the food simple as well; the standard menu is adequate.
- Skip the bar and elaborate desserts. Rather than a bar, modestly priced wine at each table allows everyone to celebrate without excess. For dessert, replace elaborate trays of petit fours or log cakes with standard cake, hot brownies with pareve ice cream, and fruit.
- Scale down the music. We used a one-man band and even reused the same person for three weddings because we liked him so much.
- Remember the purpose of the day. Arrive at the wedding relaxed and ready to enjoy the simcha. The goal is to celebrate your child’s marriage in a way that you can comfortably afford, without stress.
What are some additional practical ways to save?
While most of the following are small decisions, together they make a very big difference without compromising the simcha in any way.
Hair and makeup: Everyone except the bride can do their own makeup and hair. You will likely find people in the neighborhood who are learning makeup and hairdressing techniques and need practice. They work perfectly.
Clothing: Borrow dresses for the bride’s sisters from friends or family who recently made a simcha, or from a local gemach.
Invitations: If you choose to order paper invitations, keep them simple. There is no need for heavy cardstock, multiple inserts, or elaborate designs. A clean, clear invitation is more than enough. Remember that most people just toss the invitation after writing the date of the simcha on their calendar.
Photography: Multiple photographers and videographers are unnecessary. One of each is sufficient.
Bridal party extras: There is no need for matching robes or sweatshirts that say ‘Sister of the Bride’, gift boxes, or extras for pictures. Keep it simple and focused.
Shoes: Women wearing long dresses should consider reusing what they already have or borrowing from others since their shoes won’t even show in the pictures.
Jewelry: Borrow for the night instead of purchasing expensive pieces that may not be worn again.
There can be a lot of social pressure to make a wedding a big production. How can families stay focused on their values and avoid overspending just to meet expectations?
If you are in a friend group that focuses on making big productions for simchas, it may be worth reevaluating your priorities and social circle! Overspending for one night is simply not necessary.
As costs continue to escalate, one of the most powerful things you can do is set an example by making a more understated simcha — even if you can afford more. This sends a clear and positive message. A beautiful simcha does not need to be extravagant to be memorable. The simplest weddings are often the most meaningful. A calm, happy atmosphere creates far more impact than expensive extras.
Smile. What guests remember most is the warmth of the simcha. Greet everyone graciously, thank them for coming, and be present in the moment. Your child is getting married — that’s what we daven for. At the end of the day, the ikar of a wedding is not about putting on a production or trying to impress others. It’s about celebrating this incredible simcha and bracha from Hashem, together with family and friends.
Rivka Resnik is a financial literacy author and and the curriculum director at Living Smarter Jewish, a project of the Orthodox Union dedicated to helping individuals, couples, and families achieve financial freedom by inspiring financial literacy and providing practical tools to make thoughtful, responsible financial choices.Her financial literacy textbooks — one for middle school students and two for high school students — are available at cost to Jewish schools through the OU and Living Smarter Jewish. Her writing appears regularly in Jewish publications across the country.
For more Living Smarter Jewish resources, visit livingsmarterjewish.org. To be matched with a financial coach or to create a written budget free of charge, click “Coaching options.”