JLIC TLV Co-Director Rabbi Joe Wolfson offers guidance for young adults on preparing for the transition from campus life to independent adulthood
With the new academic year underway, college students have an opportunity to look ahead to life after graduation. Leaving behind familiar friendships, routines, and communities can be daunting, particularly as young adults navigate new relationships, careers, and the search for a life partner. We spoke with Rabbi Joe Wolfson, rabbi and co-director of JLIC TLV (Tel Aviv) and former rabbi and co-director of JLIC NYU, about the challenges and opportunities of this pivotal stage of life.
What makes the transition from college to independent adulthood so challenging, and how can graduates carry the values, friendships, and sense of belonging they developed on campus into the next chapter of their lives?
One of the beautiful things about a successful college community is that people know their place in it. They have established roles, responsibilities, and close-knit circles of friends. It can be very hard when, after three or four years, that sense of belonging comes to an end. Finding your place in a new environment can be disorienting.
At NYU, I would share the beautiful Talmudic story of Rabbi Shimon Bar Yochai twice a year. Rabbi Shimon hid in a cave from the Romans for 12 years. When he emerged, he had great difficulty readjusting. He saw everyone preoccupied with earning a living rather than pursuing eternal values, and “burned up” the world with his eyes. Hashem sent him back to the cave, saying, “I didn’t teach you My Torah in order for you to burn up the world.”
At the beginning of the year, I shared this story with students returning from yeshivot and midrashot in Israel, where they had lived in environments aligned with their values. Returning to downtown Manhattan could be jarring, and the story offered a model for readjusting without abandoning the values they had embraced. At the end of the year, I would recount it to graduating seniors. College, once unfamiliar, had become their most comfortable place, their cave. Now they would need to embrace a new environment while preserving what they valued about the old one.
Graduates should consider which skills and strengths they want to carry into their next chapter. Those who organized chavrutot or shiurim, or welcomed new students, can use those experiences to contribute to their new communities, bridging the familiar and the unfamiliar.
What practical skills and habits should students develop before graduation to prepare for independent adulthood?
The very strength of Jewish life on campus can also be one of its weaknesses. So much is provided, from Shabbat meals and learning opportunities to trips to Israel, that it can inadvertently leave young people unprepared to do things independently.
At NYU, both JLIC and Chabad offered Friday night meals, Shabbat lunch, and seudah shlishit. A student could graduate without ever having prepared a Shabbat meal, shopped for groceries, or invited guests.
The same applies to Torah learning. JLIC educators are wonderful at creating opportunities, but I would encourage students to use their college years not only to benefit from what’s provided, but also to develop the skills and independence they will need to sustain their Jewish lives after graduation.
Many parents want to continue supporting their children after graduation, but there’s a fine line between being helpful and becoming over-involved. How can parents encourage independence while still providing guidance and support?
In Parashat Bereishit, the Torah states, “Al ken ya’azov ish et aviv v’et imo,” meaning that a man leaves his parents, a principle parents must learn to accept. Notably, Adam and Chava even left Hashem and developed their own personalities.
For parents, preserving a healthy relationship with their children well into adulthood is far more important than ensuring that, at 22 or 23, their children make every decision the parents would choose for them. Beyond the basics, parents should offer love and support and let their children know they’re there for them, without micromanaging their lives.
It’s not uncommon for recent graduates to feel uncertain, directionless, or anxious about the future, especially when life doesn’t unfold according to plan. What advice would you offer young adults struggling to find their footing?
For some people, things work out very quickly. For others, the first years post-graduation can be wobbly. My advice is that graduates shouldn’t become so focused on the long-term future that they lose sight of the present. The years after college can be a precious time for work, personal development, and friendships, and it would be a shame to miss out on those experiences.
The phrase “Lo tov” appears twice in the Torah. First, in Bereishit, “Lo tov heyot ha’adam levado,” meaning that it is not good for man to be alone. Then, in Shemot, when Yitro sees Moshe overwhelmed by people seeking his guidance, he says, “Lo tov hadavar asher atah oseh.”
A teacher of mine explained that these verses represent two questions people in their 20s and 30s are trying to answer: What am I going to do with my life, and who am I going to spend my life with? These are the two “lo tovs” we’re trying to turn into tov.
But Bereishit comes before Shemot, suggesting that the question of who we’re going to spend our life with is more fundamental than what we’re going to do.
Careers can change, but choosing a life partner is a decision of far greater consequence. I often tell people in our young Tel Aviv community not to wait until they’re fully established professionally before dating.
If they’ve answered both questions, they’re in a good place. If they’ve answered neither, the uncertainty can be difficult. But having an answer to even one of those questions can provide the confidence to tackle the other. I wish everyone much hatzlacha in finding their answers.
Rabbi Joe Wolfson has spent more than a decade working with college students and young professionals, serving as rabbi and co-director of JLIC NYU in downtown Manhattan from 2015 to 2022, before assuming the same role at JLIC Tel Aviv. Originally from the UK, he holds degrees from Cambridge University and University College London, and studied at Yeshivat Har Etzion, receiving semicha from the Israeli Chief Rabbinate.