Rabbi Ilan Feldman discusses shiva-house protocol, meaningful support, and why simply showing up can make all the difference
For many people, shiva houses are uncomfortable places. Most of us want to offer comfort, but we’re not always sure what to say, how to act, or where the boundaries are. In an effort to help, we may end up talking too much or focusing more on our own discomfort than on the mourner’s needs.
To better understand the dos and don’ts of a shiva visit, we spoke with Rabbi Ilan Feldman, senior rabbi of Beth Jacob Atlanta and a trained counseling psychologist, about shiva house etiquette and the most meaningful ways to support mourners.
In your experience, what are the most common mistakes people make when visiting a shiva house?
The most common mistake is talking too much. People often feel they need to say something meaningful, make the mourner feel better, or express how much they admired or loved the deceased. In reality, none of those things are the primary goal of a shiva visit.
The greatest comfort a mourner receives is knowing that people cared enough to come. Simply showing up is often more meaningful than anything you could say. If the mourner initiates conversation, listen attentively and respond naturally. If, during the conversation, you have something genuinely significant to contribute — not a platitude — there may be room to share it. But in general, the focus should be on being present rather than speaking.
For someone who feels unsure or uncomfortable at a shiva house, what does respectful behavior look like?
First, remember that you are not the center of attention. The mourners are not evaluating whether you are saying the right thing or behaving perfectly. Your role is simply to be present, sit down, and show interest and respect.
If the mourner chooses to speak, listen. If not, sitting quietly is perfectly acceptable. There is no requirement to carry a conversation or fill moments of silence.
Before leaving, it is customary to offer condolences by reciting Hamakom Yenachem. There is no specific time or place during the visit when this must be said. If you are uncomfortable saying it in Hebrew, you may read it from a siddur or a sign, or simply say, “May you be comforted among the mourners of Zion and Jerusalem.” Any of these options is entirely appropriate, and no one will view them as strange or disrespectful.
When a person has passed away under especially tragic circumstances, such as the loss of a child or a death by suicide, G-d forbid, people often struggle to know what to say. What are some thoughtful ways to offer comfort?
I can’t overstate the importance of simply being there and letting the mourner take the lead in the conversation.
The mourner has been living with this reality from the moment of the loss or, in the case of a prolonged illness, long before that. In the case of a suicide, they’ve been dealing with it since the moment of the shocking discovery. For them, this is not a new topic or a subject that needs to be avoided.
Usually, the mourner will acknowledge your presence and decide how much, if anything, they want to share. One of the most meaningful forms of comfort is simply to say, “I’m sure I have no idea what you’re going through. I just wanted to be here with you.”
What is generally not helpful is responding by sharing your own tragedy, or someone else’s, in an effort to establish common ground. Saying, “I lost a child,” or “My brother lost a child,” may be well-intentioned, but it doesn’t necessarily help the person who is dealing with their own loss.
If the visitor has experienced a similar tragedy, the mourner will often know that already or recognize it on their own. Someone else may mention it, but I don’t believe it’s helpful to introduce another tragic story in an attempt to provide comfort. The focus should remain on the mourner and what they are experiencing.
Beyond the shiva visit itself, what are meaningful ways community members can continue supporting mourners in the weeks and months afterward?
A simple phone call can be very meaningful. Simply saying, “Hi, I’m calling because I’m thinking of you. I just wanted to see how you’re doing,” communicates that they are top of mind and that you care about them.
Often, it’s the small gestures that matter most. In cases where someone has lost a spouse, making sure they’re taken care of for Shabbos can be tremendously helpful. Sometimes just sending a pie or another Shabbos treat is a way of conveying, “I’m thinking of you.”
For friends who are in regular contact, support doesn’t have to end when the shiva does. Calling after the shiva, or even during the shloshim, and asking, “Would you like to go out for coffee?” can provide much-needed companionship and support.
The common thread is letting the mourner know they haven’t been forgotten. While the intense support extended during a shiva eventually fades, the loss remains. Simple acts of connection and remembrance can have a lasting impact in the weeks and months that follow.
Rabbi Ilan Feldman has served as the senior rabbi of Beth Jacob Atlanta since 1991. He received semichah from Ner Israel Rabbinical College and holds a master’s degree in counseling psychology.