{"id":63632,"date":"2023-05-03T16:59:36","date_gmt":"2023-05-03T21:59:36","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.ou.org\/life\/?p=63632"},"modified":"2023-05-03T17:20:31","modified_gmt":"2023-05-03T22:20:31","slug":"no-negative-labels-we-can-help-improve-our-childrens-behavior","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.ou.org\/life\/parenting\/no-negative-labels-we-can-help-improve-our-childrens-behavior\/","title":{"rendered":"No Negative Labels: We Can Help Improve Our Children\u2019s Behavior"},"content":{"rendered":"

\u201cTeach your child according to his ways.\u201d \u2013 Proverbs<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cNo child is hopeless\u2026.Any child who is told that he is a failure is deprived of his dignity and loses respect for himself.\u201d <\/em>– Alfred Adler<\/em><\/p>\n

Anyone who has children has fallen into the trap of labeling children and placing them in roles. Somehow it gives us a sense of control over children, to have them figure it out. She is the \u201cstubborn one\u201d, \u201che is bossy \u201c \u201cthat one is so slow\u201d, \u201cforget about him he will always be disorganized\u201d.<\/p>\n

We need to remember though that, every character trait has positive and negative aspect to it. If we only focus on the negative,\u00a0 even in a joking way,\u00a0 we reinforce the negative behavior and it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.\u00a0 There are many people who were called \u201cirresponsible\u201d or \u201cstubborn\u201d when they were growing up. This was reinforced in their actions and they began to internalize this view of themselves. The more they were called irresponsible, the more irresponsible or stubborn they acted. They became their label.<\/p>\n

But, what can we do? How can we stop talking about children in negative ways? And can we actually change a child\u2019s behavior just by how we view and talk to them?<\/p>\n

Here are 9 ways we can do just that:<\/strong><\/p>\n

1. There are no \u201cdumb\u201d children:<\/strong><\/p>\n

This story has not been confirmed as true, but has a lot of wisdom to it:<\/p>\n

A Chicago public school teacher \u2026 was confronted by a class of sixth- graders who were so clueless and intractable that she suspected many of them had learning disabilities.<\/p>\n

One day, while the principal was off the premises, she broke a hard and fast rule and snuck a look in the file where student details, IQ scores and other relevant data were kept. She was amazed … most of her students had IQs in the high 120s and 130s – near genius level. One of the worst offenders had an IQ of 145. After some soul searching, Mrs. Daugherty concluded that it was her fault that these brilliant minds had resorted to unruly behavior … she blamed herself for boring them into misbehavior. She began bringing in difficult assignments. She upped the amount of homework and inflicted stern punishments for misbehavior. By the end of the semester, her class was one of the best behaved and the most accomplished in the entire sixth grade. Impressed, and stunned, her principal asked her how she had achieved this amazing turn around. Haltingly, she confessed that she had looked at the IQ files and she had changed her approach to teaching the class. The principal pursed his lips, smiled, and told her not to worry about it. All’s well that ends well, he told her. “Oh, by the way,” he whispered as she turned to retreat to her classroom, “I think you should know: those numbers next to the kids\u2019 names? It’s not their IQ scores. It’s their locker numbers.”<\/p>\n

The story might not be exactly true, but the message is clear. The way we treat children impacts their self-image. If we treat a child as being being \u201cdumb\u201d they will act that way. If we treat them as \u201csmart\u201d they can act that way too.<\/p>\n

That means we need to:<\/p>\n

2. Find a positive label:<\/strong><\/p>\n

The first thing that we need to is to start viewing our children differently. As we mentioned above, every trait has both a positive and negative side to it. Here are some examples:<\/p>\n

Defiant……. Courageous, bold
\nImpulsive\u2026 Eager, Enthusiastic
\nSelfish\/Greedy\u2026Speaks out their needs, needy
\nHyper………. High Energy
\nQuiet\/Shy… Thoughtful, inner-directed
\nClingy………. Connected, bonded
\nSore Loser\/Tattletale Justice seeker
\nStubborn…. Focused, committed, determined
\nMessy………… Creative
\nTalks all the time\/Big Mouth\u2026Great relater, expressive
\nCan\u2019t sit still\u2026 Energetic
\nProcrastinator\/Slow moving\u2026 Deliberate, cautious, visionary
\nIrresponsible\u2026Needs to be reminded
\nSilly\u2026Fun loving
\nFearful\u2026Cautious
\nBossy\u2026Future Leader<\/p>\n

And yes, just by thinking of our child in this \u201cnew\u201d way, can impact their behavior. It certainly can help us see the child in a positive light.<\/p>\n

3. Start reinforcing the behavior using this positive label:<\/strong><\/p>\n

Now that we are viewing our children differently,\u00a0 we want to let them know about it:<\/p>\n

For example:<\/p>\n\n\n\n\n
Children<\/td>\nPositive Label<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n
Stubborn: \u201cYou are so stubborn; you never let anyone have a turn with the ball.\u201d<\/td>\n\u201cYou were so determined to get that basket you couldn\u2019t give up the ball until you did it. Now you can share.\u201d<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n<\/tbody>\n<\/table>\n

There is a much more positive tone to this type of interaction. This alone can start changing our child\u2019s behavior.\u00a0 Another benefit, we become less frustrated with children when we have an overall positive and realistic view of the.<\/p>\n

4. Look for opportunities to give a child a new picture of himself:<\/strong><\/p>\n

Now it gets a bit tricky. We need to notice their behavior and comment on it- putting a more positive spin to it.<\/p>\n

IMPULSIVE: \u201cYou waited until after we finished playing and asked instead of taking your favorite toy and the bubbles.\u201d<\/p>\n

IRRESPONSIBLE: \u201cYou read this whole paragraph and sounded out the hard words. Then you told me your favorite part of the story.\u201d<\/p>\n

SELFISH: \u201cYou let Lexi go first; you waited until she was finished and then went on the swings.\u201d<\/p>\n

SLOW MOVING: \u201cYou came to the ball area right when I called.\u201d<\/p>\n

5. Put children in situations where they can see themselves differently:<\/strong><\/p>\n

We now need to be proactive. In situations where we wouldn\u2019t even dream of asking our children to help out, we want to ask them to help out. We want to show them that they can act in an appropriate manner.<\/p>\n

GREEDY : \u201cMichael, you know how to give out dessert fairly. Make sure everyone in our group gets one.\u201d<\/p>\n

IRRESPONSIBLE: \u201cCan you take this very important note to your teacher for me?\u201d<\/p>\n

SHY: \u201cSara, could you introduce Shana to the new neighbor.\u201d<\/p>\n

6. Let the child overhear you say something positive about him<\/strong><\/p>\n

MESSY: You to grandparent: \u201cWe spent today organizing Sharon\u2019s book bag. She had some great ideas of where to keep her pencil and crayons so they will be easily accessible.\u201d<\/p>\n

BIG MOUTH: You to spouse: \u201cWe learned about taking turns today. Kayla knew to wait quietly every time it was my turn to speak.\u201d<\/p>\n

7. Model the behavior you would like to see:<\/strong><\/p>\n

Now is a great opportunity to talk about yourself and model appropriate behavior:<\/p>\n

SILLY: \u201cI was at a meeting today with all my colleagues. I really had a good joke to tell, but I saw that they really needed to get work done today, so I kept my joke to myself. I said to myself, I don\u2019t think this is a good time for jokes.\u201d<\/p>\n

PROCRASTINATOR: \u201cI really am not in the mood to write this report, but I better just do it and get it over with, then I can do something I really like and I won\u2019t have to worry.\u201d<\/p>\n

8. Remind children of past accomplishments:<\/strong><\/p>\n

This is another great way to build children up and give them a new picture of themselves:<\/p>\n

FEARFUL: \u201cRemember the time you hurt yourself\u00a0 and you just got up and brushed yourself off?\u201d(If other children are putting him\/her in a role of fearful, you can also say to them, \u201cyou might think he is scared but I remember the time the fire alarm went off and he knew exactly what to do.\u201d)<\/p>\n

BOSSY: \u201cRemember the time that you were in charge of the playdoh and you let everyone choose the color they wanted?\u201d<\/p>\n

9. If child behaves according to his old label, state your expectations:<\/strong><\/p>\n

We should admonish our children when they are behaving badly. However, its best if we don\u2019t call them names (especially their negative label). We want to just focus on what they should do to improve their behavior:<\/p>\n

SORE LOSER: \u201cWhen we play GO FISH, I know it hurts to lose, but when you do I expect my children to be gracious to the winners.\u201d<\/p>\n

SELFISH: \u201cIt is annoying to have people in your way, but I expect you to say \u2018excuse me\u2019 and wait until they move away. \u201c<\/p>\n

It is not easy to change our perspective in this way and help our children improve their behavior. However, the rewards are great. There is a great Yiddish saying, Tracht Gut Vet Zein- Think good and it will be good.<\/p>\n

Adapted from \u201cHow to Talk So Kids Will Listen\u201d by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish<\/em><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

\u201cTeach your child according to his ways.\u201d \u2013 Proverbs \u201cNo child is hopeless\u2026.Any child who is told that he is a failure is deprived of his dignity and loses respect for himself.\u201d – Alfred Adler Anyone who has children has fallen into the trap of labeling children and placing them in roles. Somehow it gives<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":720,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[5],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-63632","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-parenting"],"yoast_head":"\nNo Negative Labels: We Can Help Improve Our Children\u2019s Behavior - OU Life<\/title>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/www.ou.org\/life\/parenting\/no-negative-labels-we-can-help-improve-our-childrens-behavior\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"No Negative Labels: We Can Help Improve Our Children\u2019s Behavior - OU Life\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"\u201cTeach your child according to his ways.\u201d \u2013 Proverbs \u201cNo child is hopeless\u2026.Any child who is told that he is a failure is deprived of his dignity and loses respect for himself.\u201d – Alfred Adler Anyone who has children has fallen into the trap of labeling children and placing them in roles. 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