\u201cYikes, Dr. Lightman. Chanukkah is coming. There\u2019s a family get together. Yes, it\u2019s fun but\u2026my kids are not picture perfect. My extended family might see my children acting out. What\u2019s a parent to do?\u201d<\/p>\n
I remember those days. Somehow, our kids don\u2019t \u201cperform\u201d just because we ring a bell.<\/p>\n
Family get togethers can be loaded in angst. Parents tell me that they may be surrounded by relatives and love but there\u2019s always that relative who disagrees with how they parent or somehow says something judgmental that feels like a knife has been slammed into the gut and then twisted 180 degrees.<\/p>\n
I\u2019m here to boost your confidence.<\/p>\n
Teach your child manners<\/strong><\/p>\n We parents must teach our children what we expect from them in behavior. Look people in the eye. Shake an adult person\u2019s hand firmly (\u201cThis is how we give Shalom Aleichem!), keeping eye contact. Respond appropriately to questions; shrugging shoulders doesn\u2019t cut it. Most children will file the information away and use it in the moment.<\/p>\n Don\u2019t surrender your parenting authority to any person<\/strong><\/p>\n Parents have told me that Bubbe and Zayde don\u2019t approve of their parenting style.<\/p>\n My response: Bubbe and Zayde are entitled to their opinion. And Bubbe and Zayde should think once, twice, 20 times before voicing their opinion to their children. And never should Bubbe and Zayde undermine Mom and Dad, especially in front of the grandchildren. Doing so will create, G-d forbid, confusion and shame in parents\u2019 hearts.<\/p>\n Despite this, please be prepared for someone to say something. Suggested responses:<\/p>\n \u201cMmmmmm\u2026I\u2019ll think about it.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI\u2019ll handle it.\u201d Say it firmly.<\/p>\n Don\u2019t forget who you are, Mom and Dad. You have developed and continue to develop your unique voices as parents. Stay present in the moment.<\/p>\n Mevater, Mevater Mevater<\/em> — Let things slide<\/strong><\/p>\n Not everything needs to be answered. Silence can be golden (as long as lives are not threatened). Take a deep breath and stay the course. When your child sees you react or respond calmly, that\u2019s a priceless lesson that he will one day reenact.<\/p>\n Don\u2019t be silent — Let family know how they can help<\/strong><\/p>\n With an outspoken family member who feels they know best, be straight. Say matter-of-factly: \u201cCome and get me if my child misbehaves and I\u2019ll handle it.\u201d<\/p>\n And there are family members who are more reserved and will never offer an opinion. Bless them in your heart. Tell them to come get you, if needed.<\/p>\n Give a heads up<\/strong><\/p>\n Perhaps Shmuel didn\u2019t nap as long as he usually does. Or Penina is teething.<\/p>\n Quietly announce when you walk in something to the effect like: \u201cNaftali napped only 20 minutes so he\u2019s not as well rested as always.\u201d Or \u201cElianna is in that preschool independent phase and likes to do everything by herself.\u201d<\/p>\n You\u2019d be surprised that there are family members who want to help soothe a cranky child or get a kick out of watching a little person assert their independence.<\/p>\n Never ever speak ill of your kids in front of others<\/strong><\/p>\n Jonathan might be overflowing with energy but please never describe him as a \u201chellion on wheels.\u201d If he hears it, he will want to be it. And negative names have a nasty habit of sticking for a long time.<\/p>\n Suggested language: \u201cYes, he is a work in progress.\u201d<\/p>\n Prepare kids and tell them what you expect<\/strong><\/p>\n Tell your children a day or two in advance about what will be happening. If guests are coming, speak about sharing their home and toys. Tell them \u201cnormal\u201d will return.<\/p>\n If you\u2019ll be guests in another person\u2019s home, ask when arriving where the children can play and which areas are off limits. Tell them they can\u2019t go past the row of trees in the backyard. Children welcome talk in concrete terms.<\/p>\n Always remember: Your children are human<\/strong><\/p>\n Even with the best chinuch, kids act out because they are kids. Have a sense of humor about it. Address it and move on. Stressing about it will only stress them and others. And the faster you move on, they, too, will move on.<\/p>\n Enjoy Chanukkah.<\/p>\n P.S. These guidelines are for all year.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" \u201cYikes, Dr. Lightman. Chanukkah is coming. There\u2019s a family get together. Yes, it\u2019s fun but\u2026my kids are not picture perfect. My extended family might see my children acting out. What\u2019s a parent to do?\u201d I remember those days. Somehow, our kids don\u2019t \u201cperform\u201d just because we ring a bell. Family get togethers can be loaded<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":133543,"featured_media":62503,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"_cloudinary_featured_overwrite":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[5],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-62500","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-parenting"],"yoast_head":"\n