{"id":62465,"date":"2019-11-27T04:36:46","date_gmt":"2019-11-27T09:36:46","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.ou.org\/life\/?p=62465"},"modified":"2019-11-27T04:36:46","modified_gmt":"2019-11-27T09:36:46","slug":"please-dont-replace-im-sorry-with-thank-you","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.ou.org\/life\/inspiration\/please-dont-replace-im-sorry-with-thank-you\/","title":{"rendered":"Please Don\u2019t Replace \u201cI\u2019m Sorry\u201d with \u201cThank You\u201d"},"content":{"rendered":"
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On a recent flight, I settled into my seat tired and hungry.\u00a0 As one of those increasingly rare people who don\u2019t mind airplane food, I eagerly awaited my meal.\u00a0 When the flight attendant approached, I was disappointed to learn that they didn\u2019t have my kosher meal, but I was even more disappointed by how flippant she was in informing me.\u00a0 While I didn\u2019t raise my voice or become aggressive, I must admit that I felt my blood pressure rise and my muscles tense when I somewhat forcefully challenged how was it possible that I ordered the special meal in advance, paid for it as part of my flight, and they were failing to provide it with no remorse or recourse.<\/p>\n

She gave me a halfhearted \u201csorry\u201d that sounded more like, \u201coh well, too bad\u201d and I began to stew in my seat and mentally compose my email complaint to the airline.<\/p>\n

A short time later, another flight attendant approached to explain what had happened.\u00a0 Someone else had ordered a gluten-free meal and my meal had been served to them by accident.\u00a0 She said it was entirely the crew\u2019s fault, took full responsibility, apologized and continued by telling me she could cobble together kosher products from other meals so that I would have something to eat.<\/p>\n

I immediately felt my demeanor relax and now it was me being dismissive of the mistake and telling her it was no big deal, these things happen, don\u2019t worry about it, I could do with skipping a meal anyway.\u00a0 I deleted the email I had mentally drafted, my body relaxed, and this meaningless setback was quickly put in perspective.<\/p>\n

As I sat there reflecting (plane rides are great for that), it occurred to me that nothing about my growling stomach and missing meal had changed, and yet everything about how I felt about it was now totally different; not because they found my meal, but because I found them to now be sincerely sorry.<\/p>\n

A study published in the\u00a0Journal of Patient Safety and Risk Management<\/em><\/a>\u00a0found that hospital staff and doctors willing to discuss, apologize for, and resolve adverse medical events through a \u201ccollaborative communication resolution program\u201d experienced a significant decrease in the filing of legal claims, defense costs, liability costs, and time required to close cases. \u00a0The study found that 43% of the cases in which a medical error had occurred were resolved with a simple apology.<\/p>\n

Even with mistakes much more consequential than an airplane meal, many or most people just want to hear someone take responsibility and offer a sincere apology.<\/p>\n

Last year, someone named Lauren tweeted the following:<\/p>\n

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The tweet went viral with close to 800,000 liking it and 230,000 retweeting it.\u00a0 It clearly resonated, but that is not necessarily a good sign.\u00a0 Contrary to this misguided sentiment, taking responsibility and apologizing are not about positivity or negativity.\u00a0 They are not about avoiding feeling bad.\u00a0 An apology is all about taking responsibility, no matter how it makes one feel.<\/p>\n

The Shulchan Aruch (o.c. 606:1) tells us that if we have hurt or injured someone, in deed or with words, we must take responsibility and apologize.\u00a0 If we aren\u2019t forgiven at first, we must come back a second and even a third time, no matter how negative it feels, and request forgiveness again and again. \u00a0\u00a0While we think of this law and repairing relationships in the context of preparing for Yom Kippur, the truth is it applies all year long and to whenever we may have hurt someone, intentionally or accidentally.<\/p>\n

Research published in the May 2016 issue of the Journal of Negotiation and Conflict Management Research found that while there are six elements to an effective apology, the most important component is an acknowledgment of responsibility.\u00a0 \u201cThank you for waiting,\u201d is simply not the same as \u201cI am sorry that I was late and that I kept you waiting.\u201d<\/p>\n

Just this week, Former Mayor Michael Bloomberg stood before a black Church and apologized for the stop and frisk policy in place under his administration.\u00a0 One can be cynical of the timing, but his expression of remorse had the elements of a good apology.\u00a0 \u201cWe could and should have acted sooner, and acted faster, to cut the stops. I wish we had, and I\u2019m sorry that we didn\u2019t\u2026I can\u2019t change history. I want you to know that I realize back then I was wrong, and I am sorry.\u201d<\/p>\n

Also this week, Antonio Brown apologized to the\u00a0Patriots<\/a>\u00a0and team owner Robert Kraft for the negative attention he brought during his brief time with the team.\u00a0 The four-time All-Pro receiver wrote on Instagram: \u201dAll I wanted to be was an asset to the organization; sorry for the bad media and the drama!\u201d<\/p>\n

Bloomberg didn\u2019t say \u201cthank you for understanding that I thought stop and frisk was good at the time\u201d and Brown didn\u2019t say \u201cthank you for tolerating the negative attention I brought to the team.\u201d\u00a0 They communicated the key sentiment: I take responsibility, I was wrong, I am sorry.<\/p>\n

Dr. John Gottman came to the same conclusion about marriage.\u00a0 He found that instead of trying to change your spouse, there are four things you can do to change your relationship for the better, the most important being taking responsibility.\u00a0 He writes, \u201cWe are responsible for how our words and actions make our partner feel.\u00a0 Apologize to your partner by taking responsibility for the problem, even just a small piece, and this will validate their feelings, promote forgiveness, and allow you both to move on.\u201d\u00a0 He concludes, \u201cInstead of trying to change your partner, be the change you wish to see in your relationship.\u201d<\/p>\n

God didn\u2019t punish Adam and Chava when they made the mistake of eating from the\u00a0eitz hada\u2019as<\/em>.\u00a0 He held them accountable after He called out \u201cAyeka?,\u201d \u201cWhere are you?\u201d, and they failed to use the opportunity to take responsibility.\u00a0 He didn\u2019t punish Kayin immediately when he killed Hevel.\u00a0 He held Kayin accountable when Kayin failed to take responsibility by saying \u201cAm I my brother\u2019s keeper?\u201d<\/p>\n

In contrast, Rav Chaim Shmulevitz (Sichos Mussar #15) points out that Yehudah was awarded with malchus, monarchy, specifically because when challenged, he took responsibility and said \u05e6\u05d3\u05e7\u05d4 \u05de\u05de\u05e0\u05d9, \u201cI admit that she is more righteous than I\u201d.\u00a0 Notice that Yehudah doesn\u2019t say, \u201cThank you, Tamar, for letting me falsely accuse you, shame you, and almost cost you your life\u201d.\u00a0 Leadership demands the willingness to say: She was correct, I was wrong, and for that I am responsible.<\/p>\n

Flight attendants, medical professionals and every one of us will inevitably be challenged with the call of \u201cAyeka?,\u201d \u201cWhere are you?\u201d when we have kept someone waiting, given away their meal, made a mistake with their care, or with something else.<\/p>\n

Whether we fail to answer that call because it feels negative, or we positively take responsibility and accountability, will say everything about us.<\/p>\n

This article originally appeared on\u00a0rabbiefremgoldberg.org<\/a><\/p>\n<\/div>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

On a recent flight, I settled into my seat tired and hungry.\u00a0 As one of those increasingly rare people who don\u2019t mind airplane food, I eagerly awaited my meal.\u00a0 When the flight attendant approached, I was disappointed to learn that they didn\u2019t have my kosher meal, but I was even more disappointed by how flippant<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":733,"featured_media":62466,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[85],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-62465","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-inspiration"],"yoast_head":"\nPlease Don\u2019t Replace \u201cI\u2019m Sorry\u201d with \u201cThank You\u201d - OU Life<\/title>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/rabbiefremgoldberg.org\/read-posts\/please-dont-replace-i-am-sorry-with-thank-you\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"Please Don\u2019t Replace \u201cI\u2019m Sorry\u201d with \u201cThank You\u201d - OU Life\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"On a recent flight, I settled into my seat tired and hungry.\u00a0 As one of those increasingly rare people who don\u2019t mind airplane food, I eagerly awaited my meal.\u00a0 When the flight attendant approached, I was disappointed to learn that they didn\u2019t have my kosher meal, but I was even more disappointed by how flippant\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:url\" content=\"https:\/\/rabbiefremgoldberg.org\/read-posts\/please-dont-replace-i-am-sorry-with-thank-you\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:site_name\" content=\"OU Life\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:published_time\" content=\"2019-11-27T09:36:46+00:00\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:image\" content=\"https:\/\/www.ou.org\/life\/files\/thankushsh.png\" \/>\n\t<meta property=\"og:image:width\" content=\"360\" \/>\n\t<meta property=\"og:image:height\" content=\"200\" \/>\n\t<meta property=\"og:image:type\" content=\"image\/png\" \/>\n<meta name=\"author\" content=\"Rabbi Efrem Goldberg\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:card\" content=\"summary_large_image\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:label1\" content=\"Written by\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:data1\" content=\"Rabbi Efrem Goldberg\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:label2\" content=\"Est. reading time\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:data2\" content=\"6 minutes\" \/>\n<script type=\"application\/ld+json\" class=\"yoast-schema-graph\">{\"@context\":\"https:\/\/schema.org\",\"@graph\":[{\"@type\":\"WebPage\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.ou.org\/life\/inspiration\/please-dont-replace-im-sorry-with-thank-you\/\",\"url\":\"https:\/\/rabbiefremgoldberg.org\/read-posts\/please-dont-replace-i-am-sorry-with-thank-you\/\",\"name\":\"Please Don\u2019t Replace \u201cI\u2019m Sorry\u201d with \u201cThank You\u201d - 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