{"id":62453,"date":"2019-11-18T15:32:03","date_gmt":"2019-11-18T20:32:03","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.ou.org\/life\/?p=62453"},"modified":"2019-11-18T15:35:08","modified_gmt":"2019-11-18T20:35:08","slug":"what-not-to-say","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.ou.org\/life\/inspiration\/what-not-to-say\/","title":{"rendered":"What Not to Say"},"content":{"rendered":"

Content warning:<\/strong> This article does not contain jokes or pop culture references. Rather, it discusses death, bereavement and, in particular, when a person takes his or her own life. (As discussed in a previous article<\/strong><\/a>, I will endeavor to minimize the number of occurrences of the word \u201csuicide.\u201d)<\/p>\n

Time<\/i> magazine reported this week that the mother of a Michigan teen who took his own life last December is suing the Archdiocese of Detroit for the harm she suffered when, as part of her son\u2019s eulogy, the officiating priest questioned whether the deceased would go to Heaven. (Out of respect for all parties involved, I am omitting everyone\u2019s names.)<\/p>\n

The deceased\u2019s parents report that they met with the priest to plan funeral services for their son, making it clear that they wanted the clergyman to deliver a positive and uplifting message celebrating the boy\u2019s life. Instead, the Toledo Blade<\/i> reports, the priest delivered a sermon about suicide. According to the lawsuit, the family had not disclosed the manner of their son\u2019s death to the priest.<\/p>\n

As part of the service, the priest said, in part, \u201c[W]e must not call what is bad good, what is wrong right. Because we are Christians, we must say what we know is the truth \u2014 that taking your own life is against God who made us and against everyone who loves us. \u2026 The finality of suicide makes [things] all the worse. You cannot make things right again. Neither can [the deceased].\u201d<\/p>\n

Like Catholicism, Judaism also has some teachings on taking one\u2019s own life. The prohibition against taking one\u2019s own life is one of the first things that God commanded Noah when he exited the ark (Genesis 9:5). God revealed through the prophet Amos that killing a brother is worse than killing a stranger (Amos 1:11), from which the Chovos HaLevavos (4:4) infers that killing one\u2019s own self is even more serious. These are important lessons but there\u2019s a time and a place to share them. Foremost among the places not<\/i> to share them is at the funeral of a teen who, for whatever reason, felt that such a course of action was his only recourse.<\/p>\n

I\u2019m not trying to pick on the priest \u2013 who, admittedly, did a dumb thing \u2013 because his faux pas<\/i> is not due to his religion; it\u2019s because he\u2019s human and humans make mistakes. Rabbis have no doubt made similar gaffes on occasion as part of their drashos<\/i>. And many, if not most, of us worry about accidentally saying something stupid when we visit a shiva house.<\/p>\n

Why was the first Beis HaMikdash destroyed? Because of the three cardinal sins \u2013 murder, idolatry and sexual offenses. Why was the second Beis HaMikdash destroyed? Because of sinas chinam<\/i> \u2013 baseless hatred. Why did the Holocaust happen? If you have any theological thoughts on the matter, it would be wise to keep them to yourself. It happened because evil people did an evil thing. To suggest that we did anything to \u201cdeserve\u201d it is literally blaming the victim. We\u2019re still too close to the event for any kind of detached philosophical discussion.<\/p>\n

Similarly, if one wishes to opine as to why a certain city was struck by a natural disaster, or why a certain institution was the target of a terror attack, it would be advisable for one to suppress that urge<\/strong><\/a>. We lack the prophetic ability to know such things and speculation is as insensitive as it is inaccurate. (In 2017, a Twitter user famously tweeted that he had \u201cno sympathy for any lives lost as a result of Hurricane Harvey\u201d because Texas was responsible for \u201c38 red electoral votes\u201d and this was \u201ckarma.\u201d Exactly ten days later, the same user tweeted, \u201cI hope my house remains intact after Hurricane Irma hits us in Florida.\u201d This escaped neither notice nor derision.)<\/p>\n

As important as it is to be sensitive about such things in the macro, it\u2019s all the more true in the micro. Obviously, we believe that our deeds contribute to our fates but it\u2019s wholly inappropriate to speculate as to what in someone\u2019s actions warranted his death \u2013 and I can\u2019t begin to imagine speculating as to the state of another person\u2019s afterlife! Yes, we say kaddish for 11 months to elevate a deceased person\u2019s soul while it\u2019s being purged for up to a year but I\u2019ve never heard anyone say, \u201cI guess he\u2019s still in Hell for now.\u201d We\u2019re not privy to such information, it serves no useful purpose and it would just be insensitive to the bereaved.<\/p>\n

Hopefully, most of us would be self-aware enough not to say anything so monumentally unsympathetic to a mourner but people do say things that are a lesser degree of clueless. Things not to say to a mourner include, \u201cHe lived a long life,\u201d \u201cAt least he\u2019s not suffering,\u201d \u201cYou\u2019ll meet someone else,\u201d \u201cYou can have more kids,\u201d \u201cI know exactly how you feel\u201d and \u201cIf you think that\u2019s bad\u2026.\u201d Such statements aren\u2019t meanspirited \u2013 they\u2019re actually well-meaning \u2013 but they don\u2019t do anything to comfort a mourner, which should be our one and only goal.<\/p>\n

A visitor to a shiva house is not supposed initiate conversation. Rather, he should wait for the mourner to address him first (Yoreh Deah 376:1). The Talmud (Moed Katan 28b) learns this behavior from Iyov (Job). Job 2:13 describes how Iyov\u2019s friends visited him when he was in mourning. They sat there silently for a very long time, none of them speaking \u201cbecause they saw that his grief was very intense.\u201d None of Iyov\u2019s friends addressed him until he spoke first, in verse 3:1.<\/p>\n

The case of the Detroit parents whose child took his own life is obviously terrible but mourning isn\u2019t a competition. A child, a parent, a sibling, a spouse, even a friend \u2013 they\u2019re all difficult to lose regardless of the circumstances. When it happens to someone, it\u2019s not a time for others to make theological ponderings. It\u2019s time to provide comfort. If one can\u2019t manage that, it\u2019s best to make like Iyov\u2019s friends and to just remain silent.<\/p>\n

\n

Rabbi Jack Abramowitz is Torah Content Editor at the Orthodox Union. He is the author of six books, including\u00a0The Tzniyus Book<\/a>\u00a0and\u00a0The Taryag Companion<\/a>. His latest work,\u00a0The God Book<\/a>, is available from\u00a0OU Press<\/a>\u00a0as well as on\u00a0Amazon<\/a>.<\/em><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

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