As I pen these lines, Shavuos is practically upon us. Wasn\u2019t it just a few short moments ago that we were preparing for Pesach?<\/p>\n
Here comes another beautiful Jewish holiday, replete with prayers, food and, yes, family time. There will be lots of family togetherness during this 3-day Yom Tov.<\/p>\n
Yet some people are, frankly speaking, dreading it. I get it. The lack of routine. The long days. The guests. Being Machniss Orchim is a wonderful thing, especially when the generations come together. It does not mean it\u2019s easy. As a parent said to me, \u201cYou know, Dr. Lightman, my parents and grandmother are coming. It\u2019s all good. The problem is my children are\u2026children. They act out. They are kids. I\u2019m holding my breath and biting my tongue for the comments from my parents. Have they already forgotten what kids and teenagers are all about?\u201d<\/p>\n
Yes, they have. And I get \u201cit.\u201d Somehow, our kids don\u2019t \u201cperform\u201d just because we ring a bell.<\/p>\n
Family get-togethers can be loaded with angst. Parents tell me that they may be surrounded by relatives and love but there\u2019s always that relative who disagrees with how they parent or somehow says something judgmental that feels like a knife has been slammed into the gut and then twisted 180 degrees.<\/p>\n
I\u2019m here to boost your confidence and to suggests ways that you can structure a \u201cwin-win\u201d for this Shavuos \u2013 and for throughout the year.<\/p>\n
Teach your child manners<\/strong><\/p>\n We parents must teach our children what we expect from them in behavior. Look people in the eye. Shake an adult person\u2019s hand firmly, keeping eye contact. Respond appropriately to questions; shrugging shoulders doesn\u2019t cut it. Yes, your kids will most likely roll their eyes Most children will file the information away and use it in the moment.<\/p>\n Don\u2019t surrender your parenting authority to any person<\/strong><\/p>\n Parents have told me that Bubbe and Zayde don\u2019t approve of their parenting style.<\/p>\n My response: Bubbe and Zayde have opinions and they are entitled to them. However, this is a wonderful opportunity for Bubbe and Zayde to practice the Midda of Shtika and they should think once, twice, 20 times before voicing their opinion to their children. And never should Bubbe and Zayde undermine Mom and Dad, especially in front of the grandchildren. Doing so will create, G-d forbid, confusion and shame in parents\u2019 hearts. We never want to go there. What if someone says something? Suggested responses:<\/p>\n \u201cMmmmmm\u2026I\u2019ll think about it.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI\u2019ll handle it.\u201d Say it firmly.<\/p>\n Don\u2019t forget who you are, Mommy and Tatty. You have developed and continue to develop your unique voices as parents. Stay present in the moment.<\/p>\n Let things slide<\/strong><\/p>\n Not everything needs to be answered. Silence can be golden (as long as lives are not threatened). Another Midda of Shtika moment. Take a deep breath and stay the course. When your child sees you react or respond calmly, that\u2019s a priceless lesson that he will one day reenact.<\/p>\n Let family know how they can help<\/strong><\/p>\n With an outspoken family member who feels they know best, be straight. Say matter-of-factly: \u201cCome and get me if my child misbehaves and I\u2019ll handle it.\u201d<\/p>\n There are family members who are more reserved and will never offer an opinion. Bless them in your heart. Tell them to come get you, if needed.<\/p>\n Give a heads-up<\/strong><\/p>\n Perhaps Shlomo didn\u2019t nap as long as he usually does. Or Tova is teething.<\/p>\n Quietly announce when you walk in something to the effect like: \u201cShlomo napped only 20 minutes so he\u2019s not as well-rested as always but he is still adorable.\u201d Or \u201cElianna is in that preschool independent phase and likes to do everything by herself. It\u2019s so awesome to watch.\u201d<\/p>\n You\u2019d be surprised that there are family members who want to help soothe a cranky child or get a kick out of watching a little person assert their independence.<\/p>\n Never speak ill of your kids in front of others<\/strong><\/p>\n Mendy might be overflowing with energy but please never describe him as a \u201chellion on wheels.\u201d If he hears it, he will want to be it. Negative names have a nasty habit of sticking for a long time.<\/p>\n Suggested language: \u201cYes, Naftali is a work in progress. Wait \u2013 Let me rephrase that. Naftali is a Tzadik in development.\u201d<\/p>\n Prepare kids and tell them what you expect<\/strong><\/p>\n Tell your children a day or two in advance about what will be happening. If guests are coming, speak about sharing their home and toys. Tell them \u201cnormal\u201d will return.<\/p>\n By the way, parenting expert Rebbitzen Sima Spetner is firm that if a child does not want to share his toys, that is okay. It is his personal property. It\u2019s still totally okay for Ima and Daddy to encourage him to share. However, if the other child damages the toy, then the parents must replace it. The child deserves to get back the toy in the exact condition he lent it out.<\/p>\n If you\u2019ll be guests in another person\u2019s home, ask when arriving where the children can play and which areas are off limits. Tell them they can\u2019t go past the row of trees in the backyard. Children welcome talk in concrete terms. You may want to bring some books and toys for them; make sure your property is clearly labelled.<\/p>\n Structuring the environment for success<\/strong><\/p>\n Review the toys in advance. If guests are coming, are there \u201cneutral\u201d toys in case sharing becomes hairy? Same thing goes with board games and other games and books.<\/p>\n Always remember: Your children are human<\/strong><\/p>\n Even with the best chinuch, kids act out because they are kids. Have a sense of humor about it. Address it and move on. Stressing about it will only stress them and others. And the faster you move on, they, too, will move on.<\/p>\n As always, daven.<\/p>\n Dr. Hylton I. Lightman<\/strong><\/a>\u00a0is a senior statesman among pediatricians, an internationally-recognized authority and diagnostician, a public speaker, expert witness and go-to resource for health issues in the Orthodox Jewish community and beyond. Originally from South Africa, he started his current practice, Total Family Care of the Five Towns and Far Rockaway, PC in 1987. Dr. Lightman is a board-certified pediatrician and fellow of the American Academy of Pediatrics (FAAP). Dr. Lightman is a clinical assistant professor of pediatrics at Hofstra Northwell School of Medicine. In addition, he is actively involved in teaching pediatric and family nurse practitioners through Columbia University, Pace University, Lehmann College, and Molloy College, as well as mentoring physician assistants through Touro College. Read more\u00a0here<\/strong><\/a>.<\/em><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" As I pen these lines, Shavuos is practically upon us. Wasn\u2019t it just a few short moments ago that we were preparing for Pesach? Here comes another beautiful Jewish holiday, replete with prayers, food and, yes, family time. There will be lots of family togetherness during this 3-day Yom Tov. Yet some people are, frankly<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":133543,"featured_media":62019,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"_cloudinary_featured_overwrite":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[5],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-62018","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-parenting"],"yoast_head":"\n
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