{"id":62015,"date":"2019-06-03T12:11:57","date_gmt":"2019-06-03T17:11:57","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.ou.org\/life\/?p=62015"},"modified":"2019-06-03T12:19:47","modified_gmt":"2019-06-03T17:19:47","slug":"what-not-to-say-when-there-are-no-words","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.ou.org\/life\/inspiration\/what-not-to-say-when-there-are-no-words\/","title":{"rendered":"What Not to Say When There are No Words"},"content":{"rendered":"

When people in our lives are struggling or suffering, we desperately want to help but often are at a loss for what to say or what to do.\u00a0 In her deeply insightful book, \u201cOption B,\u201d Sheryl Sandberg describes that people going through a difficult time often find that they are no longer surrounded by people, but platitudes.<\/p>\n

One of the most popular, not said out of malice or insensitivity, but rather in the absence of anything more thoughtful, is \u2018If there is anything I can do, please let me know.\u2019 She quotes Bruce Feiler who writes, \u201cWhile well-meaning, this gesture unintentionally shifts the obligation to the aggrieved.\u00a0 Instead of offering \u2018anything,\u2019 just do something.\u201d<\/p>\n

Sandberg suggests instead of asking, \u201cDo you need a meal,\u201d ask \u201cWhat toppings do you like on your pizza\u201d or \u201cWhat do you not want on your burger.\u201d\u00a0 She writes, \u201cSpecific acts help because instead of trying to fix the problem, they address the damage caused by the problem.\u201d<\/p>\n

Our community\u2019s own Rabbi Grajower\u00a0echoes<\/a>\u00a0the same advice.\u00a0 He writes, \u201cBe specific and (reasonably) persistent. Instead of asking \u2018Do you need me to do anything?\u2019 go with, \u2018I am in Costco, do you need anything from here?\u2019 Instead of, \u2018Can I be helpful with your kids?\u2019 try something like, \u2018Taking my kids to Chuck E. Cheese at 12, can I take your kids, too?\u2019\u201d<\/p>\n

Sandberg quotes therapist Megan Devine who explains why doing something specific is important. \u201cSome things in life cannot be fixed,\u201d she writes, \u201cThey can only be carried.\u201d<\/p>\n

That phrase struck me because it is exactly the language our rabbis use when they describe a character trait we are to acquire as a prerequisite to receiving the Torah.\u00a0 Pirkei Avos (6:6) tells us that one of the 48 ways that Torah is acquired is\u00a0nosei b\u2019ol im chaveiro<\/em>, carry the burden with your friend.\u00a0 When someone we know and love is struggling, our mandate is to lessen their burden, to carry it with them and ensure they don\u2019t feel they bear it alone.<\/p>\n

Dr. Brene Brown describes that true empathy rarely starts with the words, \u201cat least.\u201d\u00a0 She writes, \u201cFixing your loved one\u2019s problem is not often what is needed, nor is it necessarily your job or even within your ability to do so.\u00a0 Sharing a listening, caring ear\u00a0is<\/em>\u00a0something most people can do.\u201d<\/p>\n

Yet sadly, because of the inherent discomfort and the challenge to find the right words, rather than unburdening those struggling, many add to the burden by talking instead of listening and by describing how hard it is for them, rather than focus on the one for whom it is truly most difficult.<\/p>\n

Susan Silk, a clinical psychologist,\u00a0wrote<\/a>\u00a0an op-ed for the LA Times in which she shared her fantastic \u201cRing Theory\u201d that address this phenomenon and provides helpful guidelines:<\/p>\n

Draw a circle. This is the center ring. In it, put the name of the person at the center of the current trauma. Now draw a larger circle around the first one. In that ring put the name of the person next closest to the trauma. Repeat the process as many times as you need to. In each larger ring put the next closest people. Parents and children before more distant relatives. Intimate friends in smaller rings, less intimate friends in larger ones. When you are done you have a Kvetching Order. One of [my] patients found it useful to tape it to her refrigerator.<\/p>\n

Here are the rules. The person in the center ring can say anything she wants to anyone, anywhere. She can kvetch and complain and whine and moan and curse the heavens and say, \u201cLife is unfair\u201d and \u201cWhy me?\u201d That\u2019s the one payoff for being in the center ring.<\/p>\n

Everyone else can say those things too, but only to people in larger rings. When you are talking to a person in a ring smaller than yours, someone closer to the center of the crisis, the goal is to help. Listening is often more helpful than talking. But if you\u2019re going to open your mouth, ask yourself if what you are about to say is likely to provide comfort and support. If it isn\u2019t, don\u2019t say it. Don\u2019t, for example, give advice. People who are suffering from trauma don\u2019t need advice. They need comfort and support. So say, \u201cI\u2019m sorry\u201d or \u201cThis must really be hard for you\u201d or \u201cCan I bring you a pot roast?\u201d Don\u2019t say, \u201cYou should hear what happened to me\u201d or \u201cHere\u2019s what I would do if I were you.\u201d And don\u2019t say, \u201cThis is really bringing me down.\u201d<\/p>\n

If you want to scream or cry or complain, if you want to tell someone how shocked you are or how icky you feel, or whine about how it reminds you of all the terrible things that have happened to you lately, that\u2019s fine. It\u2019s a perfectly normal response. Just do it to someone in a bigger ring.<\/p>\n

Comfort IN, dump OUT.<\/p>\n

The Ring Theory is a brilliant prescription for how best to interact with someone going through a crisis. It captures something we intuitively know yet too often fail to practice. In fact, it probably should be posted on hospital room doors and on entrances to shiva homes.<\/p>\n

However, for all of its brilliance, the Ring Theory takes something for granted that, unfortunately, is not a given at all. The theory provides guidance for those choosing to engage. But ask anyone who has gone through a crisis and he will tell you, the majority of people in his life didn\u2019t comfort or dump, neither in nor out. They simply disappeared.<\/p>\n

Yes, at the moment of crisis, family, friends and community often rise to the occasion. But what happens when the acute crises passes? How present are we in the lives of those we claim to care deeply about when the urgency subsides and the catastrophe dissipates?<\/p>\n

As time goes on, without consciously intending to, many take an \u201cout of sight, out of mind\u201d approach, leaving the afflicted person feeling forgotten, neglected, insignificant and alone. What the \u201cRing Theory\u201d doesn\u2019t account for is that doing nothing and staying silent towards someone struggling with illness, loss, divorce or unemployment can be more painful than saying or doing the wrong thing.<\/p>\n

Sadly, there are many in our community suffering from illness, loss and other sources of pain. Simply put \u2013 they rely on us, their friends and community, to care enough to enter the Ring. Perhaps we will be towards the center of the circle, or maybe we will be in one of the outside concentric rings. But the worst thing we could do is to disappear from the picture altogether.<\/p>\n

Rabbi Grajower suggests, \u201cOne of the hardest facets of going through an illness or tragedy is the profound sense of loneliness that accompanies such tribulations\u2026 In my experience, the best way to help that person\/family feel less isolated is to reach out frequently, with very short messages. Even now, a few people text me every Friday to wish me a good Shabbos. Some friends call or text randomly just to let me know they are thinking of me. These simple messages, which take only a few seconds to send, can be extremely touching and powerful in combatting the loneliness.\u201d<\/p>\n

Reach out, visit, send a text, spontaneously drop off flowers or a Challah, invite for a meal, or just let them know that you pray for them, think about them, and empathize with them. Find the important balance between showing up and providing them necessary space.<\/p>\n

It is so hard to see people we care about in pain.\u00a0 It is even more challenging when there is nothing we can do to relieve it, reverse it or make it go away. At those times, our responsibility is to be\u00a0nosei b\u2019ol im chaveiro<\/em>, to grab on to the burden and do our small part to carry it.\u00a0 Knowing we are davening from the depths of our hearts, doing tangible practical things and making sure to only comfort in can make it the smallest bit lighter for those that we love and care about.<\/p>\n

This artcile originally appeared on rabbiefremgoldberg.com<\/a><\/em><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

When people in our lives are struggling or suffering, we desperately want to help but often are at a loss for what to say or what to do.\u00a0 In her deeply insightful book, \u201cOption B,\u201d Sheryl Sandberg describes that people going through a difficult time often find that they are no longer surrounded by people,<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":733,"featured_media":62016,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[85],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-62015","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-inspiration"],"yoast_head":"\nWhat Not to Say When There are No Words - OU Life<\/title>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/rabbiefremgoldberg.org\/personal-growth\/what-not-to-say-when-there-are-no-words\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"What Not to Say When There are No Words - OU Life\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"When people in our lives are struggling or suffering, we desperately want to help but often are at a loss for what to say or what to do.\u00a0 In her deeply insightful book, \u201cOption B,\u201d Sheryl Sandberg describes that people going through a difficult time often find that they are no longer surrounded by people,\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:url\" content=\"https:\/\/rabbiefremgoldberg.org\/personal-growth\/what-not-to-say-when-there-are-no-words\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:site_name\" content=\"OU Life\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:published_time\" content=\"2019-06-03T17:11:57+00:00\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:modified_time\" content=\"2019-06-03T17:19:47+00:00\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:image\" content=\"https:\/\/www.ou.org\/life\/files\/notnowassz.png\" \/>\n\t<meta property=\"og:image:width\" content=\"360\" \/>\n\t<meta property=\"og:image:height\" content=\"200\" \/>\n\t<meta property=\"og:image:type\" content=\"image\/png\" \/>\n<meta name=\"author\" content=\"Rabbi Efrem Goldberg\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:card\" content=\"summary_large_image\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:label1\" content=\"Written by\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:data1\" content=\"Rabbi Efrem Goldberg\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:label2\" content=\"Est. reading time\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:data2\" content=\"7 minutes\" \/>\n<script type=\"application\/ld+json\" class=\"yoast-schema-graph\">{\"@context\":\"https:\/\/schema.org\",\"@graph\":[{\"@type\":\"WebPage\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.ou.org\/life\/inspiration\/what-not-to-say-when-there-are-no-words\/\",\"url\":\"https:\/\/rabbiefremgoldberg.org\/personal-growth\/what-not-to-say-when-there-are-no-words\/\",\"name\":\"What Not to Say When There are No Words - 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