One of the most famous teachings in Pirkei Avot is Hillel\u2019s admonition (1:12) to \u201cbe of the students of Aharon, loving peace and pursuing peace.\u201d Sometimes we remember that\u2019s not the end of the statement, and include \u201cloving people\u201d in our quotation \u2013 but I\u2019m not sure how often we remember the end, \u201cand bringing them close to Torah.\u201d<\/p>\n
The idea of loving and pursuing peace resonates with a lot of people, as does love for our fellow human beings. But what is this \u201cbringing them close to Torah\u201d of which Hillel speaks?<\/p>\n
Midrashic traditions describe how Aharon used a loving approach to motivate others to repent their sinful ways. As Rav Ovadiah of Bartenura describes, \u201cwhen he knew about a person that he had committed a transgression,\u201d he would make a point of befriending the individual. \u201cThat person would be embarrassed and say, \u2018If this righteous man knew my misdeeds, how he would distance himself from me!\u2019 \u2013 and out of that, he would return to good.\u201d<\/p>\n
Discussing this mishna <\/em>with a group of adult learners recently, I expected reactions to this account to be overwhelmingly positive. Today\u2019s mantra is \u201cyou do you\u201d; judginess is the ultimate sin. In that societal context, I thought Aharon\u2019s hands-off method, simply exuding love for his fellow creations, letting nature take its course and others make their own decisions, would be welcome.<\/p>\n One woman, however, was deeply disturbed by the idea of a religious leader appearing to accept those who don\u2019t follow Torah law. If he\u2019s too friendly and doesn\u2019t point out the problem with the person\u2019s behavior, she argued, the person \u2013 as well as others \u2013 might think he doesn\u2019t object!<\/p>\n The Tosfot Yom Tov has a similar objection, pointing out that \u201cbefriending\u201d a sinner violates an earlier teaching in Avot: \u201cNitai the Arbeli says\u2026 don\u2019t befriend a rasha<\/em>\u201d (ibid. 7) \u2013 and indeed, some commentaries explain that statement as reflecting a concern that one who befriends a rasha <\/em>might give the impression of supporting the rasha<\/em>\u2019s deeds.<\/p>\n Instead, Tosfot Yom Tov cites a subtly different version of Aharon\u2019s approach: It\u2019s not that he went out of his way to befriend<\/em> sinners, but \u201cwhen Aharon was walking on the road and met a rasha<\/em>, he would greet him.\u201d Simple civility, rather than overt friendship, was enough to inspire the person to improve his future behavior \u2013 though as we ended class, my friend-student didn\u2019t seem satisfied. Was that subtle distinction enough to fulfill Aharon\u2019s responsibility to represent and convey Torah standards?<\/p>\n Interpersonal relationships, especially questions of whether and how much and in what manner to get involved in others\u2019 religious lives, are all about subtle distinctions \u2013 and it can seem impossible to get it \u201cright\u201d in everyone\u2019s eyes.<\/p>\n Just a day after that class, a friend shared that she had been approached by a man she didn\u2019t know, out in public with her kids, who offered an unsolicited opinion about the halachic validity of something they were doing. Reactions to her story, at least as far as I observed, were fairly unanimous that he shouldn\u2019t have said anything. Though they differed in degree and tone, the overwhelming perspective in that conversation was you do you; it\u2019s not his business to judge you<\/em>.<\/p>\n The range of perspectives in these two discussions highlighted the incredible challenge of the mitzvah<\/em> of tochachah<\/em>, rebuke \u2013 conveniently located in parshat Kedoshim<\/em>: \u201cDon\u2019t hate your brother in your heart; you shall surely rebuke your fellow, and do not bear sin upon him\u201d (Vayikra 19:17).<\/p>\n Scholars have struggled to work through this pasuk <\/em>(and its context) for centuries, and it\u2019s not simple. We\u2019re told we must stick our noses into others\u2019 business \u2013 as my wise \u201cstudent\u201d pointed out, we must actively and clearly stand up for our values \u2013 but when and how and why?<\/p>\n Is the pasuk<\/em> talking about rebuking someone over something they did to you<\/em>, to talk it out and make peace (e.g. Rashbam), or does it apply anytime you know of a[n apparent] sin, even one relevant only to the individual\u2019s personal relationship with G-d? Are we supposed to stick our noses in specifically when it involves us, or even when it doesn\u2019t? If the latter, is it so we can clear things up and not suspect them further (which still makes it sort of my business, avoiding the crime of unfounded suspicion) or purely to prevent them from doing something wrong (which doesn\u2019t look like my business\u2026but maybe that\u2019s the point)?<\/p>\n It occurred to me, considering the range of viewpoints expressed in those two discussions, that part of the challenge is the simple fact that that we all see things differently. One person is highly invested in \u201cloving people,\u201d and another feels a strong sense of responsibility to \u201cbring them close to Torah,\u201d and everyone has different ideas about the proper balance between the two.<\/p>\n How are we supposed to fulfill mitzvos<\/em> in the realm of interpersonal relationships when each person reacts differently?<\/p>\n As my kids used to argue, in the context of explaining that \u201clove your friend like yourself\u201d means not doing to another person what you don\u2019t like, sometimes we like different things. \u201cWhat if I like<\/em> when people hum incessantly?\u201d for instance.<\/p>\n Chazal found guidelines for these complications in the pesukim<\/em>; for instance, \u201cdo not bear sin upon him\u201d is a warning not to give rebuke in a manner that will embarrass the person (Arachin 16b). But some think any <\/em>rebuke is inherently judgy and embarrassing and not to be tolerated; how do we manage then?<\/p>\n Maybe the first step is to recognize that simple fact, that people are different and see things differently and respond differently.<\/p>\n And to remember that that simple fact is important from both sides: We have a responsibility to be careful when offering rebuke (which often means not <\/em>offering rebuke), and we also have a responsibility to be careful when reacting to rebuke.<\/p>\n The connection between \u201cdon\u2019t hate your brother in your heart\u201d and \u201cyou shall surely rebuke your fellow\u201d is often explained in a linear manner: If someone does something to you, don\u2019t sit on it and bottle it up and hold onto the hatred; instead, \u201crebuke\u201d \u2013 in a broad sense, meaning bring it up and discuss it and work things through.<\/p>\n It occurred to me though, and I was gratified to find that Ohr Hachaim seems to say, that perhaps the connection can be understood in the other direction as well: Before commanding us to offer rebuke, Hashem prepares the path for such rebuke by reminding us not to hate each other \u2013 because if one is worried about being hated for speaking up, how can he or she ever find the courage to do so? Don\u2019t hate your brother \u2013 even one who rebukes you<\/em>. Just as we hope the rebuker will think carefully before choosing whether to speak up or not, and perhaps choose to assume the best and keep silent, the rebukee can also choose to assume the best intentions of the rebuker.<\/p>\n Mutual responsibility, after all, goes in both directions \u2013 as do other appealing principles such as judging favorably.<\/p>\n Sefirat Ha\u2019Omer<\/em>, when we mourn the loss of Rabbi Akiva\u2019s students, and the Three Weeks \u2013 both are excellent times to reflect on the terrible danger of sinat chinam<\/em>, hatred for nothing. We do have a tremendous responsibility to be careful about how we look at other people, to use extreme caution in deciding what to say (if anything) and when and how. At the same time, though, let\u2019s not forget that not everything we don\u2019t like is hatred. We might just have different views on different expressions of love.<\/p>\n Sarah C. Rudolph is a Jewish educator and freelance writer. She has been sharing her passion for Jewish texts of all kinds for over 15 years, with students of all ages. Sarah\u2019s essays have been published in a variety of internet and print media, including Times of Israel, Kveller,\u00a0Jewish Action<\/a>, The Lehrhaus, TorahMusings, and more. Sarah lives in Cleveland with her husband and four children, but is privileged to learn online with students all over the world through\u00a0www.TorahTutors.org<\/a>\u00a0and\u00a0www.WebYeshiva.org<\/a>.<\/em><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" One of the most famous teachings in Pirkei Avot is Hillel\u2019s admonition (1:12) to \u201cbe of the students of Aharon, loving peace and pursuing peace.\u201d Sometimes we remember that\u2019s not the end of the statement, and include \u201cloving people\u201d in our quotation \u2013 but I\u2019m not sure how often we remember the end, \u201cand bringing<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":133529,"featured_media":61914,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[85],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-61913","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-inspiration"],"yoast_head":"\n
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