{"id":61886,"date":"2019-05-06T15:34:32","date_gmt":"2019-05-06T20:34:32","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.ou.org\/life\/?p=61886"},"modified":"2025-08-08T14:54:38","modified_gmt":"2025-08-08T19:54:38","slug":"lions-and-tigers-and-bears-oh-my-when-did-our-children-become-so-anxious","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.ou.org\/life\/parenting\/lions-and-tigers-and-bears-oh-my-when-did-our-children-become-so-anxious\/","title":{"rendered":"Lions and Tigers and Bears, Oh My – When Did Our Children Become So Anxious?"},"content":{"rendered":"

Dorothy and her compatriots in the The Wizard of Oz<\/em> were on to something all those decades ago when they chanted, \u201cLions and tigers and bears, oh my!\u201d on their odyssey to hobnob with the wizard. Today, children are a lot more anxious than they were when I first opened the door to private practice nearly 30 years ago.\u00a0What\u2019s going on?<\/p>\n

The Pittsburgh synagogue shootings. The Sri Lanka massacre. The Chabad of Poway murder and attempted murders. The rockets being shot out of Gaza and into Israel. These are just a few of the worries on our minds which our children then pick up on.<\/p>\n

Other fears are built into the cycle of life. Normal development includes the stranger anxiety phase which usually sets in at about 7 months of life when your baby recognizes familiar faces like Mom and Dad, and then avoids the unfamiliar. As healthy attachment to parents grows, separation anxiety, as manifested through crying and sadness emerges, and then improves over the next several years. Generally, most children are past this stage by the end of kindergarten.<\/p>\n

This is a period of rapid growth as the children\u2019s world expands, bringing with it new and unfamiliar situations and real and imagined dangers from dogs and spiders to monsters and \u201cboogey men.\u201d Between ages 3-6, children are trying to figure out what\u2019s real and what\u2019s not; until this is resolved, they may have difficulties with costumed characters (remember Purim), shadows, the dark, the basement, closets and under the bed. As a child learns how to manage these fears, they can put them aside so they are able to sleep alone.<\/p>\n

As long as these fears are real fears and not overly exaggerated, they form a natural, even healthful part of a child’s emotional growth.<\/p>\n

School-aged children experience different challenges. First, our children are heavy into the dual curriculum; forget what the Common Core is doing to kids. Further, there are real-life situations including fire drills and lockdowns, serious illnesses and sometimes, G-d forbid, death. The tsunami of information emerging moment by moment can be overpowering and even immobilizing. With experience, children learn these risks are more remote than imminent but we don\u2019t know what seeps into their consciousness and sub consciousness, forming their views of the world.<\/p>\n

Children of all ages, but especially at this stage, look to their parents to interpret the world for them. Spend time with your children, enjoying them speaking with them and helping them to process information.<\/p>\n

As children move from elementary school to middle school, social status, social comparisons and social acceptance takes front-and-center stage in their lives. Concerns about academic and athletic performance and social group identification are normal. Teens are concerned with finding a group that reflects their chosen identity. Together with their peers, they discuss the larger world, moral issues and future plans. And the information blitz in their lives happens ceaselessly. In fact, according to National Institute of Mental Health, 25.1% of 13-18 year-olds suffered from an anxiety disorder at some point in their life.<\/p>\n

Parenting expert John Rosemond says parents are often successful simply by telling children that the doctor recommends getting more sleep. Enough said here.<\/p>\n

Speaking of home, we parents lead stressful and stress-filled lives. In fact,\u00a040 million American adults, as well as 1 in 8 children, suffer from anxiety<\/a>. It\u2019s exacerbated when many parents suffer from frustration and a feeling of helplessness when they witness their child in this state day in, day out. Yet it\u2019s important to keep the stress low.<\/p>\n

And remember \u2013 each person is born hardwired. It\u2019s our job as parents to help our children learn to navigate life.<\/p>\n

The best way to help kids overcome anxiety isn\u2019t to try to remove stressors that trigger it. Help them learn to tolerate their anxiety and function as well as they can, even when they\u2019re anxious. And, as a byproduct of that, the anxiety will decrease or fall away over time.<\/p>\n

While there is no one-size-fits-all solution for anxiety, there are research-based techniques that can help manage it. And they\u2019re simple to learn.<\/p>\n

Stop Reassuring Your Child<\/strong><\/p>\n

Your child worries and you respond, \u201cThere\u2019s nothing to worry about.\u201d Yet your reassurance falls on deaf ears and the worrying escalates. Your child is not seeking to defy you. He just cannot help himself. Why? During periods of anxiety, the chemicals coursing through the brain and body for survival reasons is unbridled. The prefrontal cortex \u2014 the \u201clogical\u201d part of the brain \u2014 gets put on hold while the automated emotional brain takes over. Simply put, it\u2019s hard for your child to think clearly, use logic or even remember how to complete basic tasks.<\/p>\n

Teaching your children that worry has a purpose.\u00a0 <\/strong><\/p>\n

Worry rings an alarm in our system and helps us survive danger. Teach your children that worry is normal and can help protect us; everyone<\/em>\u00a0experiences it at some point<\/p>\n

Don\u2019t avoid things just because they make a child anxious.\u00a0 <\/strong><\/p>\n

Helping children avoid the things they are afraid of is a short-term fix at best; it reinforces the anxiety in the long run because the child that as a coping mechanism. Most likely, the cycle will repeat itself. \u201cMental health issues can become a way of life,<\/em>\u201d says local therapist Rachel Rosenholtz LCSW. \u201cOnce anxiety has been triggered in a person, he will struggle with it until it has been addressed and straightened out.\u201d<\/p>\n

Express positive but realistic expectations<\/strong><\/p>\n

You can\u2019t promise a child that her fears are unrealistic\u2014that she won\u2019t fail a test, that she\u2019ll have fun ice skating, or that another child won\u2019t laugh at her.<\/p>\n

What you can do is express confidence that she\u2019s going to be okay, she will be able to manage it, and that, as she faces her fears, the anxiety level will drop over time. This gives her confidence that your expectations are realistic, and that you\u2019re not going to ask her to do something she can\u2019t handle.<\/p>\n

Respect feelings but don\u2019t empower them<\/strong><\/p>\n

Validation and agreement not necessarily the same. If a child is terrified about going to the doctor because he\u2019s due for a shot, you neither want to belittle his fears nor amplify them. Listen and be empathetic,\u00a0<\/strong>help him understand what he\u2019s anxious about, and encourage him to feel that he can face his fears. The message you want to send:\u00a0 \u201cI know you\u2019re scared, and that\u2019s okay, and I\u2019m here, and I\u2019m going to help you get through this.\u201d<\/p>\n

Don\u2019t ask leading questions <\/strong><\/p>\n

Yes, encourage your child to talk about her feelings, but don\u2019t ask leading questions\u2014 \u201cAre you anxious about the Chumash test?\u201d \u201cAre you worried about the English essay?\u201d It\u2019s better to ask open-ended questions such as \u201cHow are you feeling about next week\u2019s social studies fair?\u201d<\/p>\n

Never reinforce the child\u2019s fears<\/strong><\/p>\n

Try not to say in words, tone of voice or body language: \u201cYou know \u2013 This might be something that you should be afraid of.\u201d A child might have had a negative experience with a peer. Next time the child is with the peer, you might be anxious about her and, unintentionally<\/em>, you might be telling her, \u201cBe worried.\u201d<\/p>\n

Encourage your child to tolerate anxiety<\/strong><\/p>\n

Tell your child that you appreciate the work it takes to tolerate anxiety in order to do what he wants or needs to do. Boost him to engage in life and to let the anxiety take its natural curve. Called the \u201chabituation curve,\u201d it will drop over time as he continues to have contact with the stressor. Don\u2019t expect it to drop to zero or as quickly as you\u2019d like. This is how we get over our fears.<\/p>\n

Try to shorten the anticipatory period<\/strong><\/p>\n

When we\u2019re afraid of something, the hardest time is\u00a0before<\/em> we do it. Therefore, parents should try to eliminate or reduce the anticipatory period. If a child is nervous about going to a doctor\u2019s appointment, you don\u2019t want to launch into a discussion about it two hours before you go or else watch your child go into orbit. Shorten that period to a minimum.<\/p>\n

Think things through with the child<\/strong><\/p>\n

Try talking through with your child, \u201cWhat would happen if your fear came true?\u00a0 How would you handle it?\u201d For example, If I\u2019m late picking you up at after karate, what would you (the child) do?\u201d The child might answer, \u201cI\u2019ll tell the teacher my Mom is not here.\u201d The parent: \u201cHow would you ask the instructor for help?\u201d\u00a0 The child: \u201cHe\u2019ll offer to call her or he\u2019ll wait with me.\u201d<\/p>\n

Model healthy ways of handling anxiety<\/strong><\/p>\n

There are multiple ways you can help kids handle anxiety by letting them see how you cope with anxiety yourself. Kids are perceptive, and they\u2019re watching and absorbing how you handle anxiety. Don\u2019t have stress and anxiety, but let kids hear and see you managing it calmly, tolerating it, feeling good about getting through it.<\/p>\n

What do airplane pilots do in an emergency? They don\u2019t wing it (no pun intended). They have a checklist to review and set things on a straight(er) course. Instead of rationalizing away worry, help your child master the \u201cFEEL\u201d method (explore GoZen.com, the original source for the FEEL method<\/a><\/strong>):<\/p>\n