{"id":61656,"date":"2019-03-04T10:04:23","date_gmt":"2019-03-04T15:04:23","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.ou.org\/life\/?p=61656"},"modified":"2019-03-04T10:04:59","modified_gmt":"2019-03-04T15:04:59","slug":"finding-confidence-or-doing-without","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.ou.org\/life\/inspiration\/finding-confidence-or-doing-without\/","title":{"rendered":"Finding Confidence – Or Doing Without"},"content":{"rendered":"

An internet search of the phrase \u201cself-confidence\u201d produces pages and pages of results, and they seem to basically all be articles about raising low self-esteem. Not until the third page did I find a title<\/strong><\/a> that seemed to be about high <\/em>self-esteem \u2013 and even that turned out to be misleading: The section titled \u201cRange of Self-Esteem,\u201d which purported to help the reader \u201crecognize the extremes of your self-esteem,\u201d only defined \u201clow\u201d and \u201chealthy\u201d self-esteem, contending that \u201c\u2026it\u2019s hard to have too much of it. Boasting and feeling superior to others around you isn\u2019t a sign of too much self-esteem. It\u2019s more likely evidence of insecurity and low self-esteem.\u201d<\/p>\n

Apparently, we humans are much more likely to be unsure of ourselves than to be too confident.<\/p>\n

This is not a new struggle. We find it even among our biblical heroes, many of whom repeatedly express uncertainty about their abilities or futures \u2013 despite having been tapped by G-d Himself for those abilities and promised those futures.<\/p>\n

For instance, Avraham asks \u201cwhat will You give me, and I go childless?\u201d (Bereishit 15:2) and \u201cwith what will I know that I will inherit [the land]?\u201d (ibid.\u00a0 8), despite already having been promised children and land more than once. Multiple prophets express sentiments similar to Yirmiyahu\u2019s statement, just after G-d said He knows him intimately and chose him as a prophet, that \u201cI don\u2019t know how to speak, for I am a young man\u201d (Yirmiyahu 1:6).<\/p>\n

Perhaps most famously and at greatest length, Moshe offers argument after argument against his suitability and prospects for success: \u201cWho am I, to go to Pharaoh?\u201d (ibid. 11); \u201cWhat will I tell them\u201d when they want to know who You are? (ibid. 13); and even \u201cthey won\u2019t believe me and won\u2019t listen to my voice\u201d (4:1) right after G-d told him they would (3:18)! I\u2019m not a good speaker\u2026 Send someone else! <\/em>(4:10, 13) He continues to express doubt in his capabilities even after successfully getting the people out of Egypt. \u201cWhere will I get meat for all these people?\u201d (Bamidbar 11:13) \u201cIt\u2019s too hard for me\u201d (ibid. 14).<\/p>\n

We might be tempted to see this lack of confidence as a positive character trait; after all, we do like humility. Moshe, in fact, is held up as a paragon of humility (Bamidbar 12:3).<\/p>\n

On the other hand, there\u2019s a reason all those articles suggest boosting low self-esteem, rather than commending it. When so-called \u201chumility\u201d is actually a lack of self-confidence, it runs the risk of paralyzing us and preventing us from accomplishing our goals. Moshe was extremely humble, but he still had to find the inner strength and confidence to do his job.<\/p>\n

So how did our heroes break through their uncertainties, and accomplish what they were meant to do rather than curling up in a fetal ball of insecurity? Can we take inspiration from them to overcome our own?<\/p>\n

Actually, in these and most biblical examples I\u2019ve noticed, the individual does not find his own inner strength.<\/p>\n

Where, then, do they get the confidence to move ahead?<\/p>\n

Avraham, don\u2019t worry, yes you will have a biological heir and this is what\u2019s going to happen, and here\u2019s a ritual to seal the deal. <\/em><\/p>\n

Yirmiyahu, don\u2019t say that about yourself! Don\u2019t be afraid; I\u2019ll be with you.<\/em><\/p>\n

Moshe, don\u2019t worry, here\u2019s what you\u2019re going to tell them, and this is how it\u2019s going to go, and here are multiple miracles you can perform to get their attention, and yes they are going to listen to you, I\u2019ll tell you what to say, Aharon is going to help\u2026<\/em> Even when Hashem expresses anger \u2013 that too, is reassurance. Moshe, I will help you, just go!<\/em><\/p>\n

So any of us who receive prophetic instructions to do a job, along with G-d\u2019s personal reassurance that we\u2019ll be able to do it, can indeed look to these heroes for inspiration to work past any self-doubt and take G-d\u2019s word for it and get busy. Because, you know \u2013 you know <\/em>\u2013 He\u2019s right there at every step.<\/p>\n

But how many of us have heard G-d\u2019s voice telling us our unique task in this world and reassuring us that we\u2019re good enough to do it? How many of us have experienced targeted miracles to convince us He really means it and will be there to fill in any gaps in our efficacy?<\/p>\n

Fortunately, there\u2019s a model in Tanach who does overcome her own self-doubt \u2013 who shows us how to look for G-d\u2019s voice telling us what to do, and that we can do it, even when the voice isn\u2019t clear; who reassures us that it\u2019s worth taking the risks to do what we \u201chear\u201d G-d telling us to do, even when we can\u2019t be sure we\u2019re \u201chearing\u201d Him right.<\/p>\n

When we first meet Esther, she\u2019s a child \u2013 an extremely obedient child. The Megillah tells us more than once that Esther did everything Mordechai told her, and at first that sounds like praise. But the natural order of things is that children grow up and become more independent; if they remain stuck in a pattern of simply doing what they\u2019re told, \u201clike when she was being raised by him\u201d (Esther 2:20), how will they ever build the confidence needed to face a situation and determine the proper course of action without being told?<\/p>\n

Esther\u2019s obedient nature presents a particular problem when one set of instructions conflicts with another: Mordechai tells her to go to the king even though she wasn\u2019t summoned, but there\u2019s a rule<\/em>!<\/p>\n

Whether Esther\u2019s hesitation is due to fear for her life, certainty that she\u2019ll be summoned any day now, or simply her innate nature as a rule-follower \u2013 Mordechai needs to snap her out of it. But he does so, oddly, by telling her he doesn\u2019t know whether saving the Jewish people is truly her job.<\/p>\n

\u201cIf you are silent at this time, salvation will arise for the Jews from another place, and you and your father\u2019s house will be lost. And who knows<\/em> whether for a time such as this you came to be royalty?\u201d (Esther 4:14)<\/p>\n

How is this lack of knowledge supposed to motivate her, especially if someone else could do the same job?<\/p>\n

By teaching her to acknowledge and embrace uncertainty, and to accept responsibility to act despite that uncertainty.<\/p>\n

Hashem is not explicitly present in the Megillah. He never tells Esther what He wants her to do, and sends no obviously miraculous signs reassuring her that He\u2019ll help her do it. Implicitly, He\u2019s all over the place, but the signs are less clear, and without the overt communication other heroes enjoyed \u2013 who knows<\/em>?<\/p>\n

But lack of certainty does not constitute permission to be passive.<\/p>\n

We can\u2019t know for certain why Hashem places us where He places us, or gives us the specific tools and abilities He gives us. Short of prophetic communication \u2013 and as we saw above, maybe even with it \u2013 we can\u2019t<\/em> have total self-confidence.<\/p>\n

Mordechai\u2019s message to Esther is that we have to do it anyway<\/em>.<\/p>\n

It\u2019s not about certainty, and it\u2019s not about being the only one for the job. It\u2019s about taking what we\u2019re given and doing the best we can with our situation, with our tools \u2013 even if it\u2019s hard to be sure what tools we possess, even if we\u2019re not sure how to use them.<\/p>\n

And the greatness of Esther is that despite the habits of a lifetime of letting others make decisions for her, she is able to hear Mordechai\u2019s one last piece of instruction to her and turn herself around. She awakens to the advantages offered by her position as queen (obvious to an outsider, but maybe hard to recognize herself) and the possibility<\/em> she is there precisely for this purpose, and comes up with a detailed plan. And at the same time, she too accepts uncertainty.<\/p>\n

\u201cWho knows?\u201d said Mordechai, and Esther responds, \u201cif I\u2019m lost, I\u2019m lost.\u201d Maybe we\u2019re wrong; maybe I\u2019ll fail. Maybe we\u2019re misunderstanding what I\u2019m here for, or maybe we got that right but I\u2019m clueless and will botch the whole thing. Okay. I\u2019ll try anyway<\/em>.<\/p>\n

We don\u2019t know; maybe we\u2019ll fail. But we each have a responsibility to look at our lives, notice the resources and abilities we\u2019ve been given, and figure out what we might <\/em>be able to do with those tools, what Hashem might <\/em>have intended in giving them to us. We have to act, and accept the possibilities in all directions. \u201cIf I\u2019m lost, I\u2019m lost.\u201d<\/p>\n

We might fail. But if we don\u2019t even try \u2013 if we simply leave it all up to others \u2013 well, Hashem has His plans, and He has other ways of fulfilling them; salvation will arise from some other place. In that case, we can be certain of just one thing: \u201cYou and your father\u2019s house will be lost.\u201d Not physical destruction, perhaps (why would they perish if salvation arises for the Jews as a whole?), but a destruction of personal responsibility. Someone else will accomplish the job, because G-d has infinite means at His disposal \u2013 but you<\/em>, everything that led you to this point and everything you <\/em>could have done with that, will be lost.<\/p>\n

\n

Sarah C. Rudolph is a Jewish educator and freelance writer. She has been sharing her passion for Jewish texts of all kinds for over 15 years, with students of all ages. Sarah\u2019s essays have been published in a variety of internet and print media, including Times of Israel, Kveller,\u00a0Jewish Action<\/a>, The Lehrhaus, TorahMusings, and more. Sarah lives in Cleveland with her husband and four children, but is privileged to learn online with students all over the world through\u00a0www.TorahTutors.org<\/a>\u00a0and\u00a0www.WebYeshiva.org<\/a>.<\/em><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

An internet search of the phrase \u201cself-confidence\u201d produces pages and pages of results, and they seem to basically all be articles about raising low self-esteem. 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