For weeks, I told anyone who would listen about my plans to travel to a friend\u2019s 40th birthday party in another state. Each time, I got a funny look \u2013 who makes such a huge celebration when they turn 40? \u2013 until I explained, \u201cShe has cystic fibrosis.\u201d<\/p>\n
The look of amazement each time was priceless, as the realization hit of just how momentous the occasion was.<\/p>\n
In the words of the birthday woman herself, explaining why she wanted to celebrate what others might rather ignore:<\/p>\n
So many people hide from 40, mumble it under their breath or amputate a few years in embarrassment. Not me! I want to have a big blowout birthday bash! All too often people only make the effort to get together for a funeral. What a waste! If there\u2019s gonna be a great big reunion with all my friends and family, I want to be there for it!<\/em><\/p>\n When my friend was diagnosed, no one expected her to live past 20. As she grew and fought, as progress was made in treatments, her life expectancy grew with her. And so, for 40 years and counting, with G-d\u2019s help, the world has been that much better because she\u2019s in it. It is a privilege to know her for many reasons that have nothing to do with CF, though her disease has likely contributed to some of her remarkable qualities and perspectives \u2013 like those which led her to plan a big bash celebrating her 40th birthday.<\/p>\n I have to mention that I didn\u2019t make it to the party. My husband\u2019s grandmother passed away in a different state. We got the call just as I was about to get on the road and \u2013 somewhat ironically, considering my friend\u2019s point above \u2013 suddenly there was a funeral that had to take precedence. After indulging our grief for a few moments, it was time for a flurry of decision-making: Fly or drive to New York? Get in the car and drive through the night or sleep a few hours and leave before dawn? Bring the whole family or should my husband go alone?<\/p>\n These decisions can be excruciating, especially when they have to be made quickly, before all the information is in. We had to either get on the road or not, reserve a plane ticket or not, find a friend to watch the kids or not \u2013 and then face the frustration of 20\/20 hindsight when circumstances changed and left us thinking, \u201cWe could have done x differently, if only we\u2019d known y sooner.\u201d<\/p>\n The Gemara states in several contexts that \u201c\u05d0\u05d9\u05df \u05dc\u05d5 \u05dc\u05d3\u05d9\u05d9\u05df \u05d0\u05dc\u05d0 \u05de\u05d4 \u05e9\u05e2\u05d9\u05e0\u05d9\u05d5 \u05e8\u05d5\u05d0\u05d5\u05ea \u2013 A judge has only what his eyes see.\u201d In some cases, this statement refers to an actual judge and literal sight: one examines an object and must determine whether it is pure or impure without worrying that it might look different in the morning. However, the Rashbam points out that one of these occurrences (Bava Batra 131a) indicates the same principle holds true for \u201cmatters that depend on reasoning, for one has only what his heart sees.\u201d Sometimes we look at an object with our eyes to decide what it is, and sometimes we look at a situation with our hearts and minds to decide what to do. Either way, despite common wisdom that says to sleep on it, sometimes we can\u2019t \u2013 and even if we can, morning comes and calls for a choice. We can only sleep on it so many times before a determination must be made, based on what\u2019s there at the time. And just like that reality is okay in the Gemara\u2019s contexts of halachic rulings, we have to find a way to be at peace with it when it comes to other decisions too. We can only decide based on what\u2019s in front of us.<\/p>\n Back to my friend with cystic fibrosis and her unique perspective.<\/p>\n In some ways, her perspective isn\u2019t so unique; we all know we should value every moment of life. My mother used to tell us, if we dared say anything negative about growing up, \u201cIt\u2019s better than the alternative.\u201d She was right, of course, and I think we all know that. Yet we complain about getting older anyway. One person I told about the party, before I dropped the CF bombshell, said \u201cI think I\u2019m more likely to be sad when I turn 40!\u201d Why? Don\u2019t we know each day we continue to live is a miracle and a gift?<\/p>\n Sure, in theory. But a judge has only what his eyes see.<\/p>\n Maybe the difference between my friend and those of us who are blessed with basically good health is that for her, the miracle is in front of her eyes. Always.<\/p>\n Anyone might have an occasional close call \u2013 a car accident, for instance \u2013 that throws the gift of life in our faces for a moment, and maybe we bentch gomel<\/em> or even make a seudat hoda\u2019ah<\/em> to express our newly rejuvenated appreciation of continuing to live. But then we go back to the daily grind, and when the next birthday rolls around, once again mumble the number under our breath or amputate a few years, as my friend put it so colorfully. But someone who fills bookcases with her daily medications, who needs frequent hospital stays, who\u2019s lost friends with the same condition, who remembers being told she wouldn\u2019t live through high school \u2013 it\u2019s there all the time. How could someone living such a life ever carelessly say she doesn\u2019t want to grow up, when the alternative is always staring her in the face?<\/p>\n She\u2019s an excellent judge of the value of continuing to live, because her eyes see it all the time. And she\u2019s the perfect person to remind the rest of us to open our own eyes.<\/p>\n I missed the party, but I did get to see a video of my friend\u2019s speech. Not surprisingly, she talked about attitude. Well aware of the realities of her condition, she emphasized that attitude can\u2019t change everything. She also acknowledged that she has bad days and is not always upbeat. But she reminded all of us, as she does every day just by putting in the work to continue to breathe, that we can choose what to do with what we\u2019re given, and change what we can within the realities of what we can\u2019t.<\/p>\n And maybe the first step in adjusting attitudes is to place certain truths in front of our eyes, if they\u2019re not there already. Those of us who are generally healthy can choose to place the reality of the gift of aging in front of our eyes and at the forefront of our consciousness, especially when we get reminders from our own experiences or others\u2019 perspectives. Once we see it, the clarity might fade \u2013 or we might find that we can\u2019t unsee it. I don\u2019t think I\u2019ve complained about getting older once since my mother made that comment; once \u201cthe alternative\u201d was pointed out to me, I could never see it as sad.<\/p>\n Can we keep that awareness in front of our eyes at every moment, appreciating and celebrating every moment? Probably not. Even my wise friend will tell you she doesn\u2019t. Life can be hard, and it\u2019s not easy \u2013 nor is it always productive \u2013 to dismiss our challenges with \u201cat least I\u2019m still breathing!\u201d<\/p>\n But whenever we can place that awareness before our eyes, maybe we\u2019ll have some different reactions. Maybe we\u2019ll make some different choices.<\/p>\n All too often people only make the effort to get together for a funeral.<\/p>\n Another friend, who lost a parent not long ago, shared with me that, after realizing how people will drop everything and \u201cjust go\u201d for a funeral, she makes it a point to do the same when it\u2019s not for a funeral. For happy occasions, or just because \u2013 because each day is a gift to appreciate and use.<\/p>\n Rabbi Eliezer tells us in Pirkei Avot to \u201crepent one day before your death.\u201d The Gemara in Shabbos (153a) relates a follow-up question from his students: How can anyone follow this advice, when no one knows the day of his or her death? Rabbi Eliezer answered, \u201cAll the more so! He should repent today, in case he dies tomorrow \u2013 and he\u2019ll be found in a state of repentance all his days.\u201d<\/p>\n There are things we all value, things we want to accomplish before we leave this earth. If we can keep the uncertainty of tomorrow in sight, we might find ourselves judging today differently. We might see and take \u2013 or create \u2013 more opportunities.<\/p>\n I couldn\u2019t make it to the bash, but immediately started planning a visit \u2013 before my awareness of the value of such a visit could drop from \u201cbefore my eyes\u201d to the back of my mind. Another friend and I went the following weekend, in fact. We dropped everything and \u201cjust went.\u201d<\/p>\n We can only make decisions in life based on what we see. But sometimes, we can choose what to look at, and just go from there.<\/p>\n Sarah C. Rudolph is a Jewish educator and freelance writer. She has been sharing her passion for Jewish texts of all kinds for over 15 years, with students of all ages. Sarah\u2019s essays have been published in a variety of internet and print media, including Times of Israel, Kveller,\u00a0Jewish Action<\/a>, The Lehrhaus, TorahMusings, and more. Sarah lives in Cleveland with her husband and four children, but is privileged to learn online with students all over the world through\u00a0www.TorahTutors.org<\/a>\u00a0and\u00a0www.WebYeshiva.org<\/a>.<\/em><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" For weeks, I told anyone who would listen about my plans to travel to a friend\u2019s 40th birthday party in another state. Each time, I got a funny look \u2013 who makes such a huge celebration when they turn 40? \u2013 until I explained, \u201cShe has cystic fibrosis.\u201d The look of amazement each time was<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":133529,"featured_media":61619,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"_cloudinary_featured_overwrite":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[85],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-61617","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-inspiration"],"yoast_head":"\n
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