Today\u2019s world is filled with stress and uncertainty.\u00a0 The recent tsunami in Indonesia.\u00a0 The terrorist attacks in Israel.\u00a0 Fires in California.\u00a0 The Pittsburgh massacre.\u00a0 And the increasing number of attacks on visibly Jewish Jews.\u00a0 Is it any wonder that children, adolescents and adults of all ages are riddled with anxiety?<\/p>\n
The unfortunate fact is stress is here to stay, especially in the Orthodox Jewish world.\u00a0 We lead incredibly busy schedules and are always on the go.\u00a0 The schedules are packed.\u00a0 Peer pressure abounds for all age groups.\u00a0 Teens worry about being accepted into the \u201cright\u201d seminaries and yeshivas.\u00a0 The ever-present striving for perfection.\u00a0 Let\u2019s not even go near Shidduchim or divorce.<\/p>\n
Stress is not going away.\u00a0 Yet it can be an important tool that can aid in our survival.\u00a0 Children need to develop muscles in order to navigate life and grow into mentally and emotionally healthy functioning adults who are contributing members of society.<\/p>\n
They need resilience.<\/p>\n
Resilience is the ability to successfully adapt to stressors.\u00a0 It means maintaining psychological well-being in the face of adversity.\u00a0 It is the ability to \u201cbounce back\u201d from challenges and different experiences.<\/p>\n
The good news:\u00a0 Resilient people have learned resilience.\u00a0 In fact, it\u2019s an ongoing lesson throughout life.\u00a0 They don\u2019t deny their feelings and whitewash that something is painful.\u00a0 Rather, they find ways to move forward and to tackle challenges with a positive attitude that\u2019s pregnant with hope.<\/p>\n
Kids who are being raised to be resilient are more likely to take healthy risks because they don\u2019t fear falling short of expectations.\u00a0 Brimming with curiosity and courage, they know (and accept) the outermost boundary of their comfort zones and step over that boundary to grow further.\u00a0 This helps them to reach for their long-term goals and to solve problems independently.\u00a0 The more they do this and bounce back from \u201cissues,\u201d the more they internalize the message that they are strong and capable.<\/p>\n
How do we cultivate resilience in our children?<\/p>\n
Build a strong emotional connection that underscores supportiveness with each child.\u00a0 There\u2019s no shortcut to this one.\u00a0 It means spending one-on-one time with your kids as a group and with each one individually.\u00a0 Children (and others) develop coping skills within the context of caring relationships.\u00a0 These relationships provide the personalized responsiveness, scaffolding and protection that buffer children from developmental disruption.<\/p>\n
Going to the grocery store?\u00a0 Take along a child.\u00a0 Neither one of you should use electronic \u201ctoys\u201d during the duration of your trip together.\u00a0 When a child knows he has the unconditional support of Mommy and\/or Abba or another family member (or even a teacher or another trusted adult), they feel it\u2019s okay to seek guidance and attempt to work through difficult situations.\u00a0 Positive connections allow adults to model coping and problem-solving skills to children.\u00a0 Children thrive when they know there is an adult in their life who believes in them and loves them unconditionally.\u00a0 It\u2019s empowering.<\/p>\n
It is also important that you help your child to build his character because resilience requires character.\u00a0 Character comes from developing a solid set of morals and values to determine right from wrong.\u00a0 It means demonstrating a caring attitude towards others.\u00a0 Help your child to see himself as a caring person.<\/p>\n
Allowing the expression of the gamut of emotions will make children feel comfortable in reaching out during difficult times.\u00a0 It will result in building emotional security in your home.<\/p>\n
Your home has differences of opinion and might even have conflict?\u00a0 That\u2019s normal.\u00a0 Address conflict openly in the family to resolve problems.\u00a0 Create a common area where the family can share time:\u00a0 Think \u201cShabbos table\u201d and plan it so you maximize the together time so each family has a moment or two to shine.\u00a0 Fostering healthy relationships will only reinforce positive messages which children need.<\/p>\n
In addition to developing a connection with your child, help him to build confidence.\u00a0 Focus on the best in him so he can see that as well.\u00a0 Express the best qualities, i.e., fairness, integrity, persistence and kindness.\u00a0 Recognize what he has done and does well.\u00a0 Praise honestly about specific achievements.\u00a0 Please do not push a child to take on more than he can handle realistically.<\/p>\n
Teach your children problem-solving skills and to seek help.\u00a0 Constant, rugged self-reliance is for the movies and theatre stages only.\u00a0 We all need help at times and that does not make us incompetent.\u00a0 It\u2019s important for children to recognize when they need help and to know that they can have it.<\/p>\n
Don\u2019t hand your children the solutions or give them step-by-step instructions about what to do.\u00a0 Actively brainstorm solutions with them which then engages them in the process of solving problems.\u00a0 Eventually, they will use these skills in other situations.\u00a0 Encourage your child to develop a list of ideas and then weigh the pros and cons of each one.\u00a0 He will develop the feeling of competence, of knowing that he can handle a situation effectively.<\/p>\n
It\u2019s so easy to slip into solving the problems for our children when they come to us with questions.\u00a0 It\u2019s even easier to lecture or explain.\u00a0 A better long-term working strategy is to ask questions.\u00a0 Bounce the questions back at him so he can learn to think in a more expansive way.<\/p>\n
Further, help your child to develop an \u201cemotions vocabulary.\u201d\u00a0 When stress kicks in, emotions heat up like a boiling kettle that whistles (okay, I\u2019ve dated myself).\u00a0 Teach your child that all feelings are important.\u00a0 Labelling feelings means he can make sense of what he is experiencing.\u00a0 It\u2019s alright to feel jealous or anxious or sad, etc.\u00a0 Reassure him that bad feelings usually pass.<\/p>\n
A \u201chot\u201d moment in your life is a good time to demonstrate coping skills.\u00a0 Don\u2019t explode, no matter how tempting.\u00a0 Deep breathing exercises can be used by people of all ages to relax and to calm themselves.\u00a0 Remaining calm means processing a situation clearly.\u00a0 It\u2019s big when a person learns to exercise control over his reactions.<\/p>\n
What happens if your child makes, gulp, a mistake?\u00a0 It is not the end of the world.\u00a0 This is worth repeating.\u00a0 It is not the end of the world. \u00a0We all make mistakes.\u00a0 Embrace your child and<\/em> the mistake.\u00a0 If parents focus on end results only, kids become enmeshed in the pass\/fail cycle, the black-and-white of either succeeding or not.\u00a0 This causes risk avoidance.\u00a0 Failure avoiders lack resilience and tend to be highly anxious people.\u00a0 Accepting mistakes \u2013 including your own \u2013 promotes a growth mindset and gives children and teens the message that mistakes are learning opportunities.\u00a0 Remember \u2013 Only HaShem is perfect.<\/p>\n You made a mistake?\u00a0 Tell your children about it and how you recovered from it.\u00a0 Show resiliency by modelling coping skills or speaking through emotions.\u00a0 Label your emotions and talk through your problem-solving process.<\/p>\n A mindset of resiliency believes:\u00a0 I am not my mistake(s).\u00a0 I can try again.\u00a0 I am not alone.\u00a0 Yes, there is a positive correlation between resilience and optimism.<\/p>\n This segues to the next point:\u00a0 Building a positive outlook on life helps to build resilience.\u00a0 We wake up each morning saying, \u201cModeh Ani.\u201d\u00a0 It\u2019s a great place to start.\u00a0 I am grateful for the ability to wake up and do Mitzvos and Gemilus Chasadim.\u00a0 Some people write in a daily gratitude journal several things for which they are grateful.\u00a0 It is called \u201cHakaras HaTov,\u201d another important Middah to nurture within ourselves and our children.\u00a0 Grateful children grow up to be grateful adults, not entitled ones.<\/p>\n Promote healthy risk-taking.\u00a0 A healthy risk is something that pushes a child to go outside of his comfort zone but results in little, if any, harm if they are unsuccessful.\u00a0 Perhaps it\u2019s initiating a conversation with a shy peer or trying out for concert.\u00a0 When a child avoids risk, he might internalize the message that he is not strong enough to handle challenges.\u00a0 That’s nonsense.\u00a0 Encourage him to embrace risks and he will learn to push himself.<\/p>\n Speaking of health, taking a walk or engaging in some kind of outdoor or any physical activity during times of stress is a great stress reliever.\u00a0 And it\u2019s healthy.<\/p>\n You, Mommy and Daddy or Ema and Tatty, you have a big<\/em> role here.\u00a0 In addition to every point listed above, it\u2019s important that you<\/em> role model resiliency because you are the best teacher.\u00a0 Demonstrate the importance of community and healthy relationships.\u00a0 Encourage your child to develop his spiritual self by focusing on how he has been gifted with, such as good health, a functioning brain, the ability to walk and talk, etc.\u00a0 Model positive coping strategies on a regular basis and guide your child to develop positive and effective ones for himself.<\/p>\n Unexpectedly, my wife and I encountered resiliency when we recently visited the Kindertransport exhibit at the Yeshiva University Museum.\u00a0 The Kindertransport was an organized series of rescue efforts between 1939 and 1940 which brought 10,000 Jewish children from Nazi Germany to Great Britain.\u00a0 It is a moving exhibit which resonates with the resilience of these children and their parents as demonstrated by many Kindertransport \u201calumni\u201d who built meaningful, productive lives after World War II.\u00a0 Unfortunately, not everyone had that resiliency and this is mentioned in the exhibit.\u00a0 It\u2019s a worthwhile trip to the Yeshiva University Museum to learn about this extraordinary piece of Jewish history.<\/p>\n The world in which we live is changing rapidly and the pace quickens constantly.\u00a0 Investing in ourselves and our children to develop resiliency will go a long way to assuring the future of our local and greater communities.<\/p>\n As always, daven.<\/em><\/p>\n Dr. Hylton I. Lightman<\/a>\u00a0is a senior statesman among pediatricians, an internationally-recognized authority and diagnostician, a public speaker, expert witness and go-to resource for health issues in the Orthodox Jewish community and beyond. Originally from South Africa, he started his current practice, Total Family Care of the Five Towns and Far Rockaway, PC in 1987. Dr. Lightman is a board-certified pediatrician and fellow of the American Academy of Pediatrics (FAAP). Dr. Lightman is a clinical assistant professor of pediatrics at Hofstra Northwell School of Medicine. In addition, he is actively involved in teaching pediatric and family nurse practitioners through Columbia University, Pace University, Lehmann College, and Molloy College, as well as mentoring physician assistants through Touro College. Read more\u00a0here<\/strong><\/a>.<\/em><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" Today\u2019s world is filled with stress and uncertainty.\u00a0 The recent tsunami in Indonesia.\u00a0 The terrorist attacks in Israel.\u00a0 Fires in California.\u00a0 The Pittsburgh massacre.\u00a0 And the increasing number of attacks on visibly Jewish Jews.\u00a0 Is it any wonder that children, adolescents and adults of all ages are riddled with anxiety? The unfortunate fact is stress<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":133543,"featured_media":61329,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"_cloudinary_featured_overwrite":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[5],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-61328","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-parenting"],"yoast_head":"\n
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