A friend once took a poll on Facebook about how people use social media \u2013 primarily, whether they share more positivity or negativity. A large number of the responses, as I recall, were along the lines of \u201cThere\u2019s enough negativity in the world; I\u2019d rather spread positive thinking and inspiration!\u201d<\/p>\n
Not me, I said. My Facebook posts are full of exasperation at my workload, my kids\u2019 sleeping habits (or lack thereof), my stress over dinner preparation or carpool \u2013 whatever.<\/p>\n
I like to keep it light, but I also like to complain.<\/p>\n
Reading last week\u2019s parsha<\/em>, we might consider Yaakov as a paradigm for honest complaining. Pharaoh asks how old he is, and Yaakov answers, \u201cThe days of the years of my sojournings are 130 years, few and bad<\/em> have been the days of the years of my life, and they have not reached the days of the years of the lives of my fathers in their sojournings\u201d (Bereishit 47:9).<\/p>\n It\u2019s a weird conversation from the beginning; who greets a brand-new acquaintance by asking their age? And why did Yaakov respond by complaining?<\/p>\n Maybe he was simply responding to a rude question with an answer that would shut Pharaoh up. Maybe he was just telling it like it is.<\/p>\n Several commentaries explain the question by suggesting that Yaakov looked exceptionally old, and his appearance surprised Pharaoh and prompted his question. After all, we might hope that we are too polite to ask strangers about unusual aspects of their appearance \u2013 but sometimes it just slips out. How many of us have ever accidentally \u2013 just once, because this is a sin you learn from \u2013 noticed that a woman looked different and asked if she was pregnant? (Don\u2019t do it!)<\/p>\n Ramban explains the answer in this light too, in fairly neutral terms: Pharaoh asked about Yaakov\u2019s surprising appearance, and Yaakov answered by explaining away his appearance: I\u2019m only 130, which is not really old for my family; I only look<\/em> decrepit because of all the suffering I\u2019ve experienced!<\/p>\n In Ramban\u2019s view, maybe Yaakov wasn\u2019t really complaining; maybe he was just explaining. It\u2019s a fine line, isn\u2019t it, between a neutral statement of a negative fact and an actual complaint? Not the only time we might wish we could hear the tone behind the words of the pesukim<\/em>.<\/p>\n According to one midrashic explanation, though, Yaakov was indeed complaining \u2013 and he\u2019s held accountable not only for that negativity, but for the baseline negativity that showed up in his appearance and prompted Pharaoh\u2019s question!<\/p>\n As Daat Zekeinim puts it:<\/p>\n Midrash: When Yaakov said, \u201cthey were few and bad,\u201d the Holy One, blessed be He, said, \u201cI saved you from Esav and from Lavan, and returned both Dina and Yosef to you, and you complain about your life that it\u2019s \u201cfew and bad\u201d? I swear that like the number of words from \u201cand he said\u201d until \u201cin the days of their sojournings\u201d \u2013 that number will be lacking from your years, that you will not live as long as your father, Yitzchak.\u201d And they are 33 words, and this number is missing from his life, for behold, Yitzchak lived 180 years and Yaakov only lived 147.<\/p>\n One might notice that when the midrash says to count the words from \u201cvayomer<\/em>\u201d (\u201cand he said\u201d), it doesn\u2019t refer to Yaakov\u2019s response. The only way to arrive at the number 33 is if you start earlier, from when Pharaoh <\/em>\u201csaid.\u201d The midrash holds Yaakov responsible from the moment Pharaoh opened his mouth to ask the question; Yaakov is criticized, even punished, not only for complaining but also for just looking <\/em>like he had something to complain about!<\/p>\n Uh oh. Do I have to limit my Facebook posts to kitten videos and encouraging soundbites about personal achievement? Start wearing makeup regularly so I don\u2019t look tired and invite sympathetic questions?<\/p>\n Extreme positivity seems like an extremely positive character trait; perhaps that\u2019s why people so often respond to \u201cHow are you?\u201d with \u201cOh, you know, I can\u2019t complain!\u201d It might also be why (based on the anecdotal evidence of my own Facebook poll) the above midrash is taught fairly widely despite not being quoted by Rashi or included in the more commonly studied midrashic compilations (as far as I can find – I was not the only one in my poll who was surprised by that!).<\/p>\n \u201cDon\u2019t complain; be positive!\u201d is an attractive message.<\/p>\n But I wonder.<\/p>\n When someone uses that \u201cI can\u2019t complain\u201d line on me, I tend to respond with something like \u201cWhy not? I can!\u201d It\u2019s partly a joke, but I also can\u2019t help thinking complaining gets an unfairly bad rap.<\/p>\n No one wants to talk to someone who\u2019s always<\/em> complaining, and it\u2019s always important to be sensitive to those who have it worse. I have never been a fan of competitive complaining \u2013 \u201cYou think your leg hurts? Mine hurts more<\/em>!\u201d \u2013 as if one person\u2019s greater pain suddenly makes someone else feel perfectly fine. But neither do I think it\u2019s nice to complain about leg pain to an amputee. (In a particularly disturbing instance I can\u2019t help sharing, I once overheard a fellow student, getting back on the bus after a visit to a concentration camp \u2013 I think it was Auschwitz \u2013 call out \u201cI\u2019m staaarving<\/em>! Does anyone have, like, a granola bar or something?\u201d)<\/p>\n But within reason, there\u2019s a time, a place, and a tone for\u2026 most things.<\/p>\n Expressing a little negativity doesn\u2019t have to mean we don\u2019t appreciate the positive \u2013 witness Yaakov\u2019s own acknowledgement of G-d\u2019s help surviving Lavan\u2019s house successfully, followed by a request for help in facing Esav, in Bereishit 32, even though he also presumably included those two challenges in describing his \u201cbad\u201d life \u2013 and there are actually some positive sides to complaints.<\/p>\n The Netziv, for instance, offers a positive spin on Yaakov\u2019s strange speech to Pharaoh. He suggests Yaakov\u2019s complaint about his \u201cfew, bad years\u201d might actually be the flip side of appreciating Hashem\u2019s role in the good. According to the Netziv, Yaakov\u2019s point in telling Pharaoh he\u2019s suffered was specifically to emphasize G-d\u2019s role in whatever good<\/em> he\u2019s experienced; clearly, no one who\u2019s been through such challenges can be written off as \u201cjust lucky\u201d!<\/p>\n While I can\u2019t claim to have this particular noble goal in mind when I share random bits of frustration with life, the Netziv\u2019s interpretation highlights fact that it\u2019s only natural to have both good and bad in our lives \u2013 and it\u2019s possible to recognize both.<\/p>\n (Note that while we are indeed told to \u201cbless over the bad just as we bless over the good\u201d \u2013 we don\u2019t really. They\u2019re different blessings; we\u2019re not expected to ignore the bad and call it \u201cgood.\u201d)<\/p>\n After all \u2013 \u201cYou take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and then you have\u2026 the facts of life!\u201d (Raise your hand if you recognize the theme song.)<\/p>\n If the facts of life indeed include both good and bad, then the only way to be real about our lives is to acknowledge it all. Not to accept the status quo; we can always look to improve, and I don\u2019t think complaining absolves me of responsibility to do something to improve my own situation. But hey, what better way to improve than to share my challenges and get help, advice, or simply the commiseration that provides strength to get through things on my own?<\/p>\n Along those lines \u2013 putting a positive spin on everything makes it extremely difficult to really get to know anyone and build relationships. After all, what happens when we respond to a greeting with a benign \u201cOh, you know, can\u2019t complain!\u201d It\u2019s not really an answer (granted, sometimes people don\u2019t really want <\/em>an answer), and takes the conversation nowhere. I had a teacher once who would come back to responses of \u201cbaruch Hashem<\/em>!\u201d with \u201cI didn\u2019t ask how frum<\/em> you are; I asked how you\u2019re doing!\u201d<\/p>\n I saw a fascinating article several months ago entitled, \u201cHow to Make Friends, According to Science<\/a><\/strong>.\u201d The article basically consisted of soundbites culled from various studies, including the following tip:<\/p>\n And if all else fails, you could start randomly confiding in people you don\u2019t know that well … Self-disclosure makes us more likable, and as a bonus, we are more inclined to like those to whom we have bared our soul.<\/p>\n Validation! Complaining at random \u2013 such as on Facebook, to people I do or don\u2019t know that well \u2013 helps build a sense of connection and create friendships.<\/p>\n I\u2019ve seen this happen, actually. I once posted on Facebook that I had managed to burn a pot of quinoa and didn\u2019t have any more in the house. It was a silly, benign complaint, just a moment of frustration. When I later went to the supermarket, I ran into three acquaintances who each smiled and said \u201cBuying more quinoa?\u201d Suddenly, because I said a random thing, we had this little moment of connection, which could even lead to conversation and a deeper friendship.<\/p>\n I\u2019m not entirely serious; again, the complaints I\u2019m talking about are mostly in fun \u2013 usually good-natured, cathartic venting. And again, complaining can be taken too far. But so can anything \u2013 including not<\/em> complaining.<\/p>\n Was Pharaoh the person to whom Yaakov should have aired his frustrations with the course of his life? Maybe not. (He would have been an unlikely choice as prospective friend.)<\/p>\n Should Yaakov, with his connection to Hashem, have been able to place his suffering in positive perspective, at least enough to not wear his negativity so blatantly on his sleeve? Maybe.<\/p>\n But you know, he did have a lot of challenges in life, and they probably did put on a few gray hairs.<\/p>\n My challenges, thank G-d, are nothing like his \u2013 and I like to think my gray hairs are held at bay (somewhat) by the catharsis, and sometimes humor (in my own mind, at least) of sharing some of the little and less little daily challenges we all face.<\/p>\n And I even came across Mishnaic support for wearing some of our emotions on our sleeves \u2013 even with the specific intent of inviting questions about our troubles.<\/p>\n Middot 2:2 describes the proper way to enter, circle, and exit the Temple Mount \u2013 but says \u201cone to whom something [bad] happened\u201d would go the other way. Why? Apparently, so people would notice something odd and ask (yes, like at the Pesach seder<\/em>, but it was probably not children who were asking) \u2013 and they could then express the appropriate sentiment for the occasion.<\/p>\n Sounds to me like a subtle way to invite notice of one\u2019s troubles; basically, a way to complain within reason and to good purpose.<\/p>\n The cases in the Mishna are about some pretty serious things: mourning (the other person could then offer condolences) or having been excommunicated either unfairly (offer prayers that those at fault would come around) or fairly (offer prayers for assistance with teshuva<\/em>). But I like to think the Mishna can still offer a conceptual model for letting people know, whether explicitly or by simple nonverbal cues, when we have troubles of any size \u2013 with reasonably subtlety and sensitivity \u2013 because sharing negativity can have positive outcomes.<\/p>\n Complaining, within reason, can remind everybody that no life is perfect, despite what one\u2019s Facebook newsfeed might imply; it can invite prayers or practical assistance; and it can help to build relationships.<\/p>\n (It can also be fun.)<\/p>\n And then<\/em> we can express our gratitude to Hashem for helping us through it all.<\/p>\n Sarah C. Rudolph is a Jewish educator and freelance writer. She has been sharing her passion for Jewish texts of all kinds for over 15 years, with students of all ages. Sarah\u2019s essays have been published in a variety of internet and print media, including Times of Israel, Kveller,\u00a0Jewish Action<\/a>, The Lehrhaus, TorahMusings, and more. Sarah lives in Cleveland with her husband and four children, but is privileged to learn online with students all over the world through\u00a0www.TorahTutors.org<\/a>\u00a0and\u00a0www.WebYeshiva.org<\/a>.<\/em><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" A friend once took a poll on Facebook about how people use social media \u2013 primarily, whether they share more positivity or negativity. A large number of the responses, as I recall, were along the lines of \u201cThere\u2019s enough negativity in the world; I\u2019d rather spread positive thinking and inspiration!\u201d Not me, I said. My<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":133529,"featured_media":61255,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"_cloudinary_featured_overwrite":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[85],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-61254","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-inspiration"],"yoast_head":"\n
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