{"id":61197,"date":"2018-12-12T11:52:43","date_gmt":"2018-12-12T16:52:43","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.ou.org\/life\/?p=61197"},"modified":"2018-12-12T11:55:58","modified_gmt":"2018-12-12T16:55:58","slug":"does-my-father-love-me-vayigash-5779","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.ou.org\/life\/parenting\/does-my-father-love-me-vayigash-5779\/","title":{"rendered":"Does My Father Love Me? (Vayigash 5779)"},"content":{"rendered":"

Covenant & Conversation: Family Edition<\/em>\u00a0is a new and exciting initiative from The Office of Rabbi Sacks for 5779.\u00a0 Written as an accompaniment to Rabbi Sacks\u2019 weekly\u00a0Covenant & Conversation<\/em>\u00a0essay, the\u00a0Family Edition<\/em>is aimed at connecting older children and teenagers with his ideas and thoughts on the\u00a0parsha<\/em>. Each element of the\u00a0Family Edition<\/em>\u00a0is progressively more advanced;\u00a0The Core Idea\u00a0<\/em>is appropriate for all ages and the final element,\u00a0From The Thought of Rabbi Sacks<\/em>, is the most advanced section. Each section includes\u00a0Questions to Ponder<\/em>, aimed at encouraging discussion between family members in a way most appropriate to them. We have also included a section called\u00a0Around the Shabbat Table<\/em>\u00a0with a few further questions on the\u00a0parsha<\/em>\u00a0to think about. The final section is an\u00a0Educational Companion<\/em>\u00a0which includes suggested talking points in response to the questions found throughout the\u00a0Family Edition<\/em>.<\/p>\n

Download as PDF<\/strong><\/a><\/p>\n

Covenant and Conversation on OU Torah<\/strong><\/a><\/p>\n

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The Parsha in a Nutshell<\/strong><\/p>\n

Vayigash<\/em>\u00a0begins with the scene that is the dramatic climax to the story that began in last week\u2019s parsha, in which Joseph finally reveals himself to his brothers. Moved by Judah\u2019s emotional and passionate appeal for Benjamin\u2019s freedom, in return for which he declares himself ready to take Benjamin\u2019s place as a slave, Joseph reveals his identity and the distance and separation of the brothers comes to an end. On Joseph\u2019s instructions, they return to Jacob with the news that his beloved son is still alive, and the family is reunited.<\/p>\n

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The Core Idea<\/strong><\/p>\n

It is one of the great questions we naturally ask each time we read the story of Joseph. Why did he not, at some time during their twenty-two-year separation, send word to his father, Jacob, that he was alive? For part of that time \u2013 when he was a slave in Potiphar\u2019s house, and when he was in prison \u2013 it would have been impossible. But he certainly could have done so when he became the second most powerful person in Egypt, or when the brothers came before him on their first journey to buy food.<\/p>\n

Joseph knew how much his father loved him. He must have known how much their separation grieved him. He did not know what Jacob thought had happened to him, but this surely he knew, that it was his duty to communicate with him when the opportunity arose, to tell his father that he was alive and well. Why then did he not?<\/p>\n

The story of Joseph\u2019s descent into slavery and exile began when his father sent him, alone, to see how the brothers were faring. Immediately prior to this episode, the Torah tells us about the second of Joseph\u2019s dreams: \u201cthe sun and moon and eleven stars were bowing down to me.\u201d When he told his father as well as his brothers, his father rebuked him and said, \u201cWhat is this dream you had? Will your mother and I and your brothers actually come and bow down to the ground before you?\u201d (Gen. 37: 9-11).<\/p>\n

Immediately afterwards, we read of Jacob sending Joseph, alone, to his brothers. It was there, at that meeting far from home, that they plotted to kill him, lowered him into a pit, and eventually sold him as a slave. Joseph had many years to reflect on that episode. That his brothers were hostile to him, he knew. But surely Jacob knew this as well. In which case, why did he send Joseph to them? Did Jacob not contemplate the possibility that they might do him harm? Did he not know the dangers of sibling rivalry? (In fact, he knew this better than anyone from his personal experience with Esau!) Did Jacob not contemplate the possibility that by sending Joseph to them he was risking his life?<\/p>\n

Yet Jacob sent Joseph to his other sons knowing that they were jealous of him and hated him. What else could he conclude, as he reflected on the events that led up to his sale as a slave, that Jacob had deliberately placed him in this danger? Why? Because of the immediately prior event, when Joseph had told his father that \u201cthe sun and moon\u201d \u2013 his father and mother \u2013 would bow down to him. This angered Jacob, and Joseph knew it. His father had \u201crebuked\u201d him. What else could he conclude but that Jacob had deliberately put his life at risk?\u00a0Joseph did not communicate with his father because he believed his father no longer wanted to see him or hear from him<\/em>.<\/p>\n

QUESTIONS TO PONDER:<\/strong><\/p>\n

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  1. Do you think it is normal for a child to question how much their parents really love them?<\/li>\n
  2. Do you think Jacob was wrong to send Joseph to check on his brothers?<\/li>\n
  3. From this story what can we learn about how important communication is in relationships?<\/li>\n<\/ol>\n
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    It Once Happened…<\/strong><\/p>\n

    The following is a short story based on\u00a0\u201cSomebody\u2019s Son\u201d\u00a0<\/em>by Richard Pindell.<\/p>\n

    As David sat on the side of the road in the Dakota plains, waiting for his next ride, he wrote:<\/em><\/p>\n

    \u201cDear Mom, if Dad will permit it, I would like to come home. I know there\u2019s little chance he will. I\u2019m not going to kid myself. I remember he said once, if I ever ran off, I might as well keep going. All I can say is that I felt like leaving home was something I had to do. I wanted to find out more about life and about me, and the best way for us (life and me) to live with each other. You won\u2019t be able to reach me by mail, because I don\u2019t know where I will be next. But in a few days, I hope to be passing our place. If there\u2019s any chance Dad will have me back, please ask him to tie a white cloth to the apple tree in the south pasture. I\u2019ll be going by on the train. If there\u2019s no cloth on the tree, I\u2019ll just quietly, and without any hard feelings toward Dad, keep going. Love, David\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

    David mailed the letter with a knot in his stomach. The coming days and weeks brought new acquaintances and adventures as David hitchhiked with cars, vans, trucks, and freight trains, all the time edging closer to his home in Maryland.<\/em><\/p>\n

    Finally, as he ascended the passenger train that would be the last leg of his journey homeward, the knot returned and firmly lodged itself in his core. He could hardly bring himself to imagine the apple tree in the pasture of his childhood home, for fear it would be bereft of the white cloth, even in his imagination.<\/em><\/p>\n

    As he sat down next to the window that would deliver his fate, an elderly gentleman sat in the seat beside him. As day turned to night, and once again back to day, the travel companions shared their stories. As David regaled his neighbor with stories of the West Coast, Canada, and even Mexico, he realized that in just a short while the train tracks would take a gentle bend to the right, and there would be the farm on which he grew up, with its south-facing pasture, and the old apple tree which he used to climb as a child. He couldn\u2019t look. He was too afraid the cloth would not be there \u2013 too afraid he would find, staring back at him, just another tree, just another field \u2013 so he turned quickly away.<\/em><\/p>\n

    Desperately, he nudged his travel companion beside him. \u201cMister, will you do me a favor? Around this bend on the right, you\u2019ll see an apple tree. I wonder if you\u2019ll tell me if you see a white cloth tied to one of its branches.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

    \u201cSon,\u201d the man said in a voice slow with wonder, \u201cI see a white cloth tied on almost every twig.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

    QUESTIONS TO PONDER:<\/strong><\/p>\n

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    1. What is the message of this story, and how is it linked to the story of Joseph in our\u00a0parsha<\/em>?<\/li>\n
    2. Do you think parental love is unconditional?<\/li>\n<\/ol>\n
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      Thinking More Deeply<\/strong><\/p>\n

      Joseph did not communicate with his father because he believed his father no longer wanted to see him or hear from him<\/em>. His father had terminated the relationship. That was a reasonable inference from the facts as Joseph knew them. He could not have known that Jacob still loved him, that his brothers had deceived their father by showing him Joseph\u2019s bloodstained cloak, and that his father mourned for him, \u201crefusing to be comforted.\u201d We know these facts because the Torah tells us. But Joseph, far away, in another land, serving as a slave, could not have known. This places the story in a completely new and tragic light.<\/p>\n

      Evidence for this theory is contained in the choice of name Joseph gave to his firstborn son Menasheh: \u201cIt is because God has made me forget all my trouble\u00a0and all my father\u2019s house<\/em>\u201d (Gen. 41: 51). Uppermost in Joseph\u2019s mind was the desire to forget the past, not just his brothers\u2019 conduct towards him but \u201call my father\u2019s house.\u201d Joseph believed that his father had deliberately put him at his brothers\u2019 mercy because, angered by the second dream, he no longer wanted contact with the son he had once loved. That is why he never sent a message to Jacob that he was still alive.<\/p>\n

      If this is so, it sheds new light on the great opening scene of\u00a0Vayigash<\/em>. What was it in Judah\u2019s speech that made Joseph break down in tears and finally reveal his identity to his brothers? Judah says words that, for the first time, allow Joseph to understand what had actually occurred twenty-two years previously. Judah recounted what happened after the brothers returned from their first journey to buy food in Egypt when Jacob refused to allow the brothers to return with Benjamin, saying: \u201cYou know that my wife bore me two sons. One of them went away from me, and I said, \u2018He has surely been torn to pieces.\u2019 And I have not seen him since. If you take this one from me too and harm comes to him, you will bring my gray head down to the grave in misery.\u201d (Gen. 44: 27-31)<\/p>\n

      At that moment Joseph realised that his fear that his father had rejected him was unwarranted. On the contrary, he had been bereft when Joseph did not return. He believed that he had been \u201ctorn to pieces,\u201d killed by a wild animal. His father still loved him, still grieved for him. This explains why after revealing himself to his brothers Joseph\u2019s first thought is not about Judah or Benjamin, but about Jacob. A doubt he had harboured for twenty-two years had turned out to be unfounded. Hence his first question: \u201cIs my father still alive?\u201d (Gen. 45:1-3)<\/p>\n

      The theme of fathers and sons runs through the Book of Genesis. How did Isaac feel towards Abraham, knowing that he had lifted a knife to sacrifice him? How did Jacob feel towards Isaac, knowing that he loved Esau more than him? How did Leah\u2019s sons feel about Jacob, knowing that he loved Rachel and her children more?\u00a0Does my father really love me?\u00a0<\/em>\u2013 that is a question we feel must have arisen in each of these cases. Now we see that there is a strong case for supposing that Joseph, too, must have asked himself the same question.<\/p>\n

      For Sigmund Freud, the Oedipus complex \u2013 the tension between fathers and sons \u2013 is the single most powerful determinant of the psychology of the individual, and of religion as a whole. Freud, however, took as his key text a Greek myth, not the narratives of Genesis. Had he turned to Torah instead, he would have seen that this fraught relationship can have a non-tragic resolution. Abraham did love Isaac. Isaac did bless Jacob a second time, this time knowing he was Jacob. Jacob did love Joseph. And transcending all these human loves is divine love, rescuing us from feelings of rejection, and redeeming the human condition from tragedy.<\/p>\n

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      From the Thought of Rabbi Sacks<\/strong><\/p>\n

      If there\u2019s one element of Judaism I\u2019d love to share with everyone it\u2019s this: If you want to survive and thrive as a people, a culture, a civilisation, celebrate the family. Hold it sacred. Eat together. Tell the story of what most matters to you across the generations. Make children the most important people. Put them centre stage. Encourage them to ask questions, the more the better. That\u2019s what Moses said thirty-three centuries ago and Judaism is still here to tell the tale having survived some of the most brutal persecutions in human history, yet as a religious faith were still young and full of energy.<\/p>\n

      Thought for the Day, BBC Radio 4, 30th March 2012<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n

      QUESTIONS TO PONDER:<\/strong><\/h3>\n
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      1. Why do you think Rabbi Sacks claims that celebrating the family is the secret to Jewish continuity?<\/li>\n
      2. Do you see any evidence that Judaism makes \u201cchildren the most important people\u201d?<\/li>\n<\/ol>\n
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        Around the Shabbat Table<\/strong><\/p>\n