{"id":60983,"date":"2018-11-14T09:04:50","date_gmt":"2018-11-14T14:04:50","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.ou.org\/life\/?p=60983"},"modified":"2018-12-10T04:11:18","modified_gmt":"2018-12-10T09:11:18","slug":"the-end-all-and-be-all-of-jewish-womanhood","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.ou.org\/life\/inspiration\/the-end-all-and-be-all-of-jewish-womanhood\/","title":{"rendered":"The End-All and Be-All of Jewish Womanhood?"},"content":{"rendered":"

\u201cI\u2019m supposed to want to get married and have kids.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cWhat other way is there for a woman to be holy and useful in the frum world? I feel like a total failure and that there is just so much wrong with me.\u201d <\/em><\/p>\n

Did that make you cringe? I hope so.<\/p>\n

I cringed. I was, in fact, devastated when a 30-year-old woman expressed these thoughts. It was a conversation involving several women who shared their uncertainties about marriage and motherhood \u2013 whether they would find \u201cthe one,\u201d whether they even wanted to, whether they would ever have children, whether they felt suited for the job anyway.<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat other way is there for a woman to be holy and useful in the frum world?\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

If the message we are sending our young women is that they have no holiness, no purpose, other than to gestate and raise children \u2013 I submit that we are doing something wrong and we need to fix it.<\/p>\n

Certainly, reproduction is holy and useful to the world, and I can even see where material might be found to feed the notion that it\u2019s the only worthwhile path for women. Right there in this week\u2019s parsha<\/em>, for instance, Rachel exclaims to her husband, \u201cGive me children, and if not, I am dead\u201d (Bereishit 30:1). Rashi comments that we learn from Rachel\u2019s words that anyone who doesn\u2019t have children is considered like dead.\u00a0 So clearly, Rachel\u2019s example teaches us that a woman without children has no purpose and may as well be dead, right?<\/p>\n

No!<\/p>\n

Would we ever want our daughters to think that way? How about those of our daughters who date for years, watching as all their friends get married and wondering if their day will ever come? How about those of our daughters who do get married, but struggle with infertility, listening as their friends share their joy and sense of fulfillment (and sleepless nights and angst and worry and the entire all-consuming roller coaster of parenthood), wondering if their day will ever come?<\/p>\n

Do we really think the Torah wants those girls to grow up thinking that way? As if there\u2019s only one thing G-d wants of them, and if they can\u2019t do it, they cannot achieve holiness or serve any purpose in the world? As if, even if they ultimately do find a partner and are blessed with children, nothing they may have done during all those years was worth anything? Not holy or useful if she wasn\u2019t married with children, right?<\/p>\n

As it happens, if we look at the Rabbinic sources behind Rashi\u2019s comment (Bereishit Rabbah 71:6, Nedarim 64b), we might notice two important details: (1) it\u2019s not about women specifically, but about any person, man or woman; and (2) childlessness is only one item in a list of four states that are considered \u201clike death,\u201d and I think it\u2019s pretty clearly not to be taken so literally. Would we say a person \u2013 man or woman \u2013 who has tzaraas<\/em>, or who is poor or blind, has no purpose in life? Maybe we should delve in a little more deeply before teaching that exclamation of Rachel\u2019s, or that comment of Rashi\u2019s, to impressionable young women as if it represents the sum total of their divine mission in life.<\/p>\n

Turning to another oft-cited biblical paradigm: Years ago, I was horrified to hear a (male) scholar deliver a shiur describing female identity as totally bound up with being mothers. I knew there were women in the audience who never had children, or who were struggling to have children, and I couldn\u2019t imagine how anyone could have the nerve to stand before a group that might include such individuals and announce that their lives had no meaning. (Lest we think I misunderstood him \u2013 several other women expressed similar reactions to me afterwards. And if even one woman could have come away with that idea, there was a problem with the shiur!) One of his central texts was a midrash describing Chana\u2019s prayer for a son, which relates her words as follows: \u201cMaster of the universe! Everything you created in a woman \u2013 You did not create anything without purpose. Eyes to see, ears to hear, a nose to smell, a mouth to speak, hands with which to do work, legs to walk \u2013 and breasts with which to nurse\u2026 Grant me a son, and I will nurse with them!\u201d \u00a0(Berachos 31b) The speaker offered this prayer as proof that all women are maternal by nature, and are unfulfilled without children.<\/p>\n

Perhaps he didn\u2019t notice that there are multiple body parts mentioned in Chana\u2019s prayer; even she, even in the depths of her emotional prayer, realized that she, like all women (and like all men), had other functional body parts, and other functions to perform with them. That G-d created women as whole people, more than a reproductive\/feeding system, and bade us live whole, holy lives.<\/p>\n

Perhaps he forgot that although we learn many details of formal prayer from Chana, the Gemara deems her prayer for a son as too personal to serve as a model for the emotions we should have in our prayers (Berachos 30b). Chana\u2019s sense of bitterness was unique to her and cannot be assumed to be representative of all people or even all women. She davened from the depths of her <\/em>soul, about the contribution she knew she <\/em>could \u2013 even should \u2013 make to the world, but the very depth of that feeling means we can\u2019t impose it on anyone else.<\/p>\n

Perhaps he also forgot that male and female were created b\u2019tzelem Elokim<\/em> before the female was ever identified as \u201cmother of all life.\u201d That she was, first and foremost, simply isha<\/em>. Or that many of our biblical heroines are celebrated for accomplishments that have nothing to do with motherhood.<\/p>\n

Perhaps it didn\u2019t occur to him to wonder why, if the sole purpose of womanhood is to produce offspring, that is not our only mitzvah. Why it is not, in fact, technically our mitzvah at all.<\/p>\n

Certainly, various halachic obligations are set aside in favor of caring for children; certainly, Jewish halachic and hashkafic traditions value having and raising children.<\/p>\n

But can we not muster sufficient complexity of thought to encourage and celebrate marriage and motherhood, while also encouraging and celebrating each woman\u2019s development as her own whole person? To recognize the importance of personal effort towards finding a spouse and building a family, while also recognizing that some people put in those efforts without success, and G-d must have a plan for them too?<\/p>\n

(While I\u2019m at it – can we remember that no single person has ever been \u201chelped\u201d by random people telling them what they\u2019re doing wrong, and no childless couple has ever achieved pregnancy by being asked \u201cwhat are you waiting for?\u201d)<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat other way is there for a woman to be holy and useful in the frum world?\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

The same ways there are for men: by observing mitzvos<\/em>, striving to be a good person, doing G-d\u2019s will, making the world a better place. Do you think only a man\u2019s prayer or Torah study can be holy or useful? Do you keep kosher? Observe Shabbos? Give tzedakah<\/em>? Avoid wearing shaatnez<\/em>? What are those mitzvos<\/em>, if not holy marks of a holy life?<\/p>\n

Living on my own in New York before getting married, I once shared a woefully depressing seudah shlishit <\/em>with a group of single girls (I can\u2019t call them \u201cwomen\u201d \u2013 they clearly thought of themselves as \u201cgirls\u201d) who could not seem to talk about anything except how much better Shabbos would be if only we were with families. If not our own, as wives and mothers, then at least<\/em> to be visiting a family and experience a \u201creal\u201d Shabbos! Nebach<\/em>, being still single meant we might say our own kiddush<\/em> \u2013 using our holy words to sanctify our holy meal. Nebach<\/em>, we sang zemiros<\/em> ourselves, in praise of the holy day G-d shares with us. Nebach<\/em>, we bought and cooked special Shabbos food only for ourselves and maybe our friends, not for a husband or children.<\/p>\n

Did they really think the lack of husband and children rendered our Shabbos meaningless?<\/p>\n

If I can indulge in a little meta-self-referencing, I recently wrote this:<\/p>\n

Several weeks ago,\u00a0I wrote<\/strong><\/a>\u00a0about some of my struggles in attempting to balance shul-going with bearing, birthing, and\/or caring for young children. I received feedback from, and was thrilled to engage in some wonderful, thoughtful discussions with, several readers who suggested that if only today\u2019s mothers would accept the maternal role G-d gave us, we would be happy staying home from shul.<\/p>\n

For many women, acceptance of that maternal role is indeed totally fulfilling. If those girls I ate with are now mothers, I can only imagine they must be thrilled to focus primarily on caring for their long-awaited families. (Or not, because motherhood is hard and there are a million factors and sometimes even if you love it you also want to get out and see another human, except maybe your kids can\u2019t handle shul\u2026but I digress.) I commend those women and their choices (not that they should care what I think).<\/p>\n

For myself \u2013 I do accept my role as mother, gratefully, and I also I want my children to see that I do other important things too. I want them to see me prioritize prayer, though I\u2019m also kind of glad they saw me miss davening mincha recently (first time in years!). I hope they see my prayer as my holy responsibility, even as they realize my holy responsibility to them<\/em> that day made it impossible. Not impossible, actually; I could have planned better, and I tried to let them see that too. I want them to see me as a whole person, with religious duties, who strives and makes mistakes, who is first their mother but not only their mother. I want them to see all that complexity because I can\u2019t guarantee what courses their lives will take, and I want them to appreciate the depth and complexity of their own holy responsibilities and opportunities.<\/p>\n

I want them to know that doing G-d\u2019s will wherever they are in life is more holy and useful than sitting around on a Shabbos afternoon pining for children they may or may not one day be granted.<\/p>\n

And beyond my own family \u2013 I find it tremendously important, too, to maintain women\u2019s shul attendance as a \u201cthing.\u201d Even if many individual women cannot or choose not to attend, for whatever reason \u2013 let\u2019s publicize, however we can, the potential for both women and men to live holy lives and do different kinds of holy things, whether before, after, during, or without young children.<\/p>\n

The Mishna in Sanhedrin (4:5) expounds at length on the significance of G-d\u2019s choice to begin humanity with one human. One reason offered is \u201cTo tell the greatness of the Holy One, blessed is He, that [while] a human mints multiple coins from one mold and they are all identical to each other \u2013 the King\u2026 minted each human in the mold of the first human, and not one of them is identical to another.\u201d As Rambam points out, this variety among humankind is found in both physical appearance and personality, often shaped by life experiences. Presumably, having or not having children would be included among the life experiences that shape who we are underneath the basic form that makes us human. And as the Mishna continues, \u201cTherefore, each and every person is obligated to say, \u2018The world was created for me.\u2019\u201d<\/p>\n

Each and every person \u2013 not each and every man, nor each and every mother with children \u2013 is worth an entire world.<\/p>\n

Let\u2019s look for ways to make that clear in our communities, before we raise another generation of women who think their potential for holiness and usefulness rests anywhere other than inside their own, individual, unique hearts.<\/p>\n

\n

Sarah C. Rudolph is a Jewish educator and freelance writer. She has been sharing her passion for Jewish texts of all kinds for over 15 years, with students of all ages. Sarah\u2019s essays have been published in a variety of internet and print media, including Times of Israel, Kveller,\u00a0Jewish Action<\/a>, The Lehrhaus, TorahMusings, and more. Sarah lives in Cleveland with her husband and four children, but is privileged to learn online with students all over the world through\u00a0www.TorahTutors.org<\/a>\u00a0and\u00a0www.WebYeshiva.org<\/a>.<\/em><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

\u201cI\u2019m supposed to want to get married and have kids.\u201d \u201cWhat other way is there for a woman to be holy and useful in the frum world? I feel like a total failure and that there is just so much wrong with me.\u201d Did that make you cringe? I hope so. I cringed. I was,<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":133529,"featured_media":60988,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"_cloudinary_featured_overwrite":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[85],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-60983","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-inspiration"],"yoast_head":"\nThe End-All and Be-All of Jewish Womanhood? | OU Life<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"If the message we are sending our young women is that they have no purpose other than to gestate and raise children, then we are doing something wrong and we need to fix it.\" \/>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/www.ou.org\/life\/inspiration\/the-end-all-and-be-all-of-jewish-womanhood\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"The End-All and Be-All of Jewish Womanhood? 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Rudolph is a Jewish educator and freelance writer. She has been sharing her passion for Jewish texts of all kinds for over 15 years, with students of all ages. Sarah's essays have been published in a variety of internet and print media, including Times of Israel, Kveller, Jewish Action, The Lehrhaus, TorahMusings, and more. 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