I\u2019ve been thinking about this article for a while.\u00a0 Actually, I\u2019ve wanted to write about it for a long time.\u00a0 It bothers me.<\/p>\n
\u201cIt\u201d is calling me by my first name.<\/p>\n
It\u2019s happened in my office.\u00a0 During office hours.\u00a0 By some of my patients and their parents.\u00a0 The parents are young enough to be my children.\u00a0 Without a moment\u2019s hesitation, if I ever heard or learned that my adult children called older people or professionals by their first names in professional settings \u2013 even if these people are their contemporaries — I\u2019d sit down and talk with them.\u00a0 It\u2019s wrong.<\/p>\n
As for the patients, well, once they\u2019ve heard Mommy and Daddy or Ema and Tatty call me Hylton, then of course, it\u2019s been role modelled for them and they just bomb ahead, calling me by my first name.<\/p>\n
And it occurs outside my office and not only to me.\u00a0 There\u2019s a local member of the clergy who calls his congregants and others by their first names.\u00a0 The feedback about it is uniformly negative and that it\u2019s unimpressive.<\/p>\n
So let\u2019s starting breaking down this phenomenon.<\/p>\n
Why does it happen?\u00a0 What is wrong about it?\u00a0 What can be done?<\/p>\n
Thankfully, many of my patients are people whom we know (including their parents, siblings and other extended family members) from other incarnations.\u00a0 Some relationships span decades.\u00a0 We may socialize with one another in our homes.\u00a0 We participate in one another\u2019s simchas<\/em>.\u00a0 We carpool together.\u00a0 Sometimes, this familiarity can lend itself to a blurring of the boundaries and calling others by first names.<\/p>\n Others explain that they will use a person\u2019s first name because they feel close to him and the first name use will help to engender a closer relationship.<\/p>\n Whatever the reason, the fact remains that there are some basic tenets in life and one of them is Respect for Elders.\u00a0 Holding true to this assures little if any error.<\/p>\n There is also respect for a person\u2019s \u201cstation\u201d in life.\u00a0 For example, our preschoolers always call their teachers \u201cMorah\u201d or \u201cRebbe.\u201d\u00a0 It instills within children respect for the teacher and that we value learning.<\/p>\n The same thing goes for the shul Rav<\/em> and Rebbitzen<\/em>.\u00a0 Despite the extent to which the Rav and Rebbitzen may be involved in our lives, it\u2019s a must to address them appropriately.<\/p>\n Calling a professional by his\/her title, especially within the professional\u2019s office and to his staff, is disrespectful.\u00a0 Plain and simple.\u00a0 The professional has achieved a certain level of education and you\u2019re entrusting them with some important part of your life, whether it be health, finances or legal matters.\u00a0 You want to assure that professionalism for obvious reasons.\u00a0 Using his first name can chip away at the professionalism.<\/p>\n In surfing the Internet, I found an article written by Jodi Glickman, a Peace Corps volunteer turned Goldman Sachs banker turned communications expert and president of Great on the Job, for the Harvard Business Review<\/em> about 5-6 years ago.\u00a0 Here\u2019s an excerpt:<\/p>\n When, as a young person, you address someone as Mr. or Ms., you immediately establish yourself as either a) younger or b) lower status, neither of which is particularly helpful to your cause professionally. Instead, walking into a room confidently with a \u201cHello, John, nice to meet you. I\u2019m Jodi Glickman. It\u2019s a pleasure to be here\u201d establishes you as both confident and mature. It minimizes that status gap rather than amplifying it with a \u201cHello Mr. Smith, I\u2019m Jodi\u2026\u201d <\/em><\/p>\n I disagree with Ms. Glickman.<\/p>\n Life is filled with hierarchies.\u00a0 It\u2019s there from day 1 of life, when a parent is in charge (or at least should be) and there\u2019s a child to care for and raise.\u00a0 A little later, when a child enters a classroom, the teacher is in charge, leading and teaching, helping students to develop skills and a love for the subject(s) being taught.\u00a0 And so forth.<\/p>\n There are (not infrequently) times when a child or teenager may not care for the teacher.\u00a0 I\u2019m sorry.\u00a0 It can be a l-o-n-g school year when a child and the teacher or Rebbe are not a \u201cshidduch<\/em>.\u201d\u00a0 Unless abuse on the part of the teacher in involved (and I pray it\u2019s not part of the picture), despite the lack of chemistry, all parties concerned are mandated to keep respect first and foremost.\u00a0 The teacher or Rebbe should never be called by the first name or last name only, either in the classroom or when speaking about the person at home.\u00a0 Yes, your child may have a legitimate reason for despising the teacher.\u00a0 But unless there\u2019s abuse going on, my advice is to embrace this as an opportunity to teach the child respect even for people with whom we don\u2019t necessarily like or agree.<\/p>\n As parents, we should teach our children that there will be people in life whom our children will encounter who may not be the \u201cright fit\u201d for them but they have to learn to make it work. \u00a0And there must be respect for these people for obvious reasons and especially when they simply are higher up on the totem pole of life.\u00a0 Addressing the other person appropriately is nonnegotiable.<\/p>\n Similarly, in the work force, there\u2019s much to be said for addressing people as Mr., Mrs., Ms., Dr., Rabbi, Morah plus the last name.\u00a0 It\u2019s a formality but it leaves little room for offending another.\u00a0 Imagine if you started out calling your new boss by her first name only to hear others address her by her title and last name. It will be awkward to switch from using her first name to using her title plus last name.<\/p>\n Conversely, if you start out using title plus last name, it will be much easier and less embarrassing for you to switch to the first name once you know it is acceptable. Often, if you have addressed a person formally, they will respond by saying something like, \u201cPlease, call me Shelley.\u2019\u2019<\/p>\n The same is true for written communications. With e-mail especially, it is easy to let the informality of the communication process steer you in the direction of being informal. If you\u2019re sending an e-mail to someone more senior than you, to someone you have not met previously or not already established how you will address them, then deferring to the formal is a safe haven. You won\u2019t go wrong, and the respect you show by addressing the person by title will help you start out on the right foot to build a positive relationship.<\/p>\n What do you do if a person of prominence calls you by your first name and you deem it inappropriate?<\/p>\n Respectfully say something.\u00a0 If he\u2019s a mentsch<\/em>, you\u2019ll hopefully not have to say it twice.<\/p>\n The Midrash tells us that we Jews merited leaving Egypt for four reasons.\u00a0 The first reason stated was because we didn\u2019t change our names.<\/p>\n Let\u2019s return to the old way of calling others by their appropriate names and titles.\u00a0 Honoring others only well on us, individually and as a people.\u00a0 It will keep those boundaries in place so, as Tevye the Milkman said, everyone knows who he is and what G-d expects him to do.<\/p>\n As always, daven<\/em>.<\/p>\n Dr. Hylton I. Lightman<\/a>\u00a0is a senior statesman among pediatricians, an internationally-recognized authority and diagnostician, a public speaker, expert witness and go-to resource for health issues in the Orthodox Jewish community and beyond. Originally from South Africa, he started his current practice, Total Family Care of the Five Towns and Far Rockaway, PC in 1987. Dr. Lightman is a board-certified pediatrician and fellow of the American Academy of Pediatrics (FAAP). Dr. Lightman is a clinical assistant professor of pediatrics at Hofstra Northwell School of Medicine. In addition, he is actively involved in teaching pediatric and family nurse practitioners through Columbia University, Pace University, Lehmann College, and Molloy College, as well as mentoring physician assistants through Touro College. Read more\u00a0here<\/strong><\/a>.<\/em><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" I\u2019ve been thinking about this article for a while.\u00a0 Actually, I\u2019ve wanted to write about it for a long time.\u00a0 It bothers me. \u201cIt\u201d is calling me by my first name. It\u2019s happened in my office.\u00a0 During office hours.\u00a0 By some of my patients and their parents.\u00a0 The parents are young enough to be my<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":133543,"featured_media":60793,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"_cloudinary_featured_overwrite":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[5],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-60792","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-parenting"],"yoast_head":"\n
\n