{"id":60466,"date":"2018-08-28T07:42:57","date_gmt":"2018-08-28T12:42:57","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.ou.org\/life\/?p=60466"},"modified":"2018-09-20T08:11:51","modified_gmt":"2018-09-20T13:11:51","slug":"hugging-your-teenager","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.ou.org\/life\/parenting\/hugging-your-teenager\/","title":{"rendered":"Hugging Your Teenager"},"content":{"rendered":"

Here\u2019s a loaded question \u2013 When\u2019s the last time you hugged your tween or teenager?<\/p>\n

It\u2019s easy to hug babies. To a newborn, a parent\u2019s love may be as important as food.<\/p>\n

They want to be hugged from the first moment of life. They\u2019re so cute and vulnerable that you have to restrain yourself not to hug them. It\u2019s well known that a parent\u2019s affectionate touch has a long arm, from boosting a newborn\u2019s healthy development to shaping the child\u2019s brain later on.<\/p>\n

A study published in the August 2016 issue of Cerebral Cortex<\/em> demonstrated that school age children who were touched often by their mothers have greater brain activity across the part of the brain controlling social behavior. In other words, it affects things so a person treats a peer differently than a rock.<\/p>\n

Affectionate, loving parental touch matters. It matters in many ways, especially with boosting children\u2019s brain development.<\/p>\n

Let\u2019s focus now on tweens and teens.<\/p>\n

Some time between the ages of 9 and 13, a child (and how they hate to be called by that word) begins the journey called \u201cAdolescence.\u201d It\u2019s an important journey because it transitions one from childhood into adulthood. And it isn\u2019t easy, either for them or for us parents.<\/p>\n

During this time, young people reject what they deem are childish ways, interests and likes, in order to act more grown up. One of the possible \u201ccasualties\u201d along the way is electing to give up the expressing and the accepting of physical affection with parents. Sometimes, there might just be expressing. Other times, it might be just the accepting. And at other times, it might be both. The child does this to show they no longer want to be treated and defined as a child.<\/p>\n

When the adolescent-in-process gives up the accepting and\/or expressing of physical affection with a parent, he can create a loss that he may never quite get over \u2013 the letting go of a powerful non-verbal intimacy with parents. You may find this child to be more standoffish and physically unresponsive, shying away from the old contact because he now believes it is inappropriate, embarrassing and even diminishing the status he is seeking.<\/p>\n

Between you and me, you can tell when your child, oops, I mean young adult-in-the-making, misses the parental touch. Watch what happens when they see Mom or Dad cuddling a much younger child. There are comments like, \u201cWhy don\u2019t you stop hugging on her?\u201d Or, \u201cYou\u2019re going to spoil him!\u201d Don\u2019t be surprised when a little while later, the teenager engages in some age inappropriate teasing of the much younger sibling.<\/p>\n

Why does he behave this way? Because although he gave up the physical affection, it\u2019s still painful to witness it. In reality, he misses it. But woe to the parent who would dare verbalize this. Growing up requires giving up, and ceasing physical affection with parents can create a hard loss.<\/p>\n

So what\u2019s a parent to do?<\/p>\n

First, remember your own adolescence. Even if it\u2019s scores of years behind you now, it\u2019s pretty hard to forget such a confusing time. Remember that you did the same thing.<\/p>\n

It\u2019s important to remember that the adolescent who is making mincemeat from your kishkes and is taking your heart and dribbling it like a basketball without a care in the world is the same adorable child whom you loved to pieces. This is hard. You still love him. But he knows how to make it difficult for you to love him.<\/p>\n

There are lesser forms of physical affection. Pat your teenager on the back. Give them a side hug. \u201cLittle\u201d acts of physical affection are ways of staying connected when your child erects that Berlin Wall of refusal of seeking the exact primal touch that he craves. If you can keep some level of physical contact in place, then as your teenager grows older and becomes more confident in growing older, the acceptance, expression and reciprocation of physical affection can once again open up.<\/p>\n

Don\u2019t underestimate verbal contact between you and your adolescent. Using words to convey sensitivity, empathy, support, interest, attention, approval, and appreciation can all communicate the emotional warmth that physical affection so efficiently conveys. The power of a friendly smile to warm a beleaguered teenager\u2019s heavy heart, as well as laughing with each other and making time to have fun together is immeasurable. Dance briefly with your adolescent(s) around the kitchen on Thursday evenings.<\/p>\n

Adolescent boys more than girls are particularly susceptible to giving up physical affection from parents. Physical affection can make them feel childish. It can also make your son feel unmanly as he might think that to be a man means jettisoning his \u201cchildish\u201d need for parental touch. The best response for parents in such a situation? Back off to respect the more physically aloof definition he is after.<\/p>\n

Fortunately, there are teenagers, males included, who keep the door to physical affection with parents open all through their growing up. They somehow understand that forsaking this primal connection is not some adolescent obligation. Nor do they treat it as a necessary loss. However, this is the exception and not the rule. Most others intermittently grant their parents a loving touch, or hug, or kiss or allow themselves to receive such from their parents. Mood and circumstances are usually the mitigating factors here. For example, your adolescent might give out more \u201cphysically available\u201d vibes during family Simchas. It will almost never happen in the presence of friends. Promise on that one.<\/p>\n

Let\u2019s say a parent reads this article and then commits the faux pas<\/em> of trying to express physical affection to their adolescent. Oh no. What happens?<\/p>\n

The parent might strike gold and the child accepts it. A great day for all.<\/p>\n

In all likelihood (and I\u2019m not a betting person), the adolescent will make it clear that he believes his parent has a case of the \u201ccooties.\u201d It might be painful, Mom and Dad, but he\u2019s not rejecting you. Just reframe it as the time or circumstance or mood wasn\u2019t right. Try again. But not right away.<\/p>\n

I sincerely hope that \u201cI love you\u201d and I\u2019m proud of you\u201d are two phrases that are part of every parent\u2019s lexicon. You can never say them too often. And they are powerful words that can carry your adolescent through a lot.<\/p>\n

Part of parenting is understanding that when our children are little, we need to be physically connected to them as much as possible. When they get older, it\u2019s not that we parents physically disconnect from them. Rather, it\u2019s about finding new, creative ways of connecting with them.<\/p>\n

I read somewhere a long time ago that a child needs four hugs daily for survival, eight for maintenance and twelve for growth. How do you give your teenager twelve hugs a day?<\/p>\n

Start each day with hugging your children, teenagers included. Who care if all parties are grumpy? Then hug your children before they leave for school. Intercept them as they traipsing out the door. Another hug when they come home from school and then another at bedtime. That\u2019s four hugs to reach the \u201csurvival rate.\u201d<\/p>\n

These moments of physical connection should ideally be coupled with emotional components as well. It shouldn\u2019t be a hug alone but start with, \u201cHow did you sleep?\u201d \u201cHow was math class today?\u201d Focus on the moment.<\/p>\n

You can discover different ways to hug your teenager. Find little excuses to kiss them, like kissing them on the top of the head, or holding hands at the Shabbos table. Dance together while singing Shalom Aleichem<\/em>. Rotate sitting next to each teen, using the opportunity to put your arm around one individually. If you grew up in a home where physical affection wasn\u2019t common, this may be difficult for you, so start slow. It can even be a small gesture, like putting a hand on a child\u2019s arm or caressing his cheek. Many boys dislike making eye contact so talk to your son while driving. He\u2019s captive and you\u2019re in control. Wink. (Wish I had the emoji available for that one).<\/p>\n

Although some teens, especially girls, will be physically affectionate with friends, it doesn\u2019t make up for a lack of physical affection from their parents. Parental touch is both safe and irreplaceable. If teenagers don\u2019t get the parental touch, they may go looking for love in all the wrong places.<\/p>\n

Adolescents are not necessarily easy nor is it always easy to love them. Feeling awkward, adolescents will push away parents. Yet in reality, adolescents feel vulnerable. It\u2019s a time when they need their parents\u2019 affection the most.<\/p>\n

As always, daven<\/em>.<\/p>\n

\n

Dr. Hylton I. Lightman<\/a>\u00a0is a senior statesman among pediatricians, an internationally-recognized authority and diagnostician, a public speaker, expert witness and go-to resource for health issues in the Orthodox Jewish community and beyond. Originally from South Africa, he started his current practice, Total Family Care of the Five Towns and Far Rockaway, PC in 1987. Dr. Lightman is a board-certified pediatrician and fellow of the American Academy of Pediatrics (FAAP). Dr. Lightman is a clinical assistant professor of pediatrics at Hofstra Northwell School of Medicine. In addition, he is actively involved in teaching pediatric and family nurse practitioners through Columbia University, Pace University, Lehmann College, and Molloy College, as well as mentoring physician assistants through Touro College. Read more\u00a0here<\/strong><\/a>.<\/em><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Here\u2019s a loaded question \u2013 When\u2019s the last time you hugged your tween or teenager? It\u2019s easy to hug babies. To a newborn, a parent\u2019s love may be as important as food. They want to be hugged from the first moment of life. They\u2019re so cute and vulnerable that you have to restrain yourself not<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":133543,"featured_media":60467,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"_cloudinary_featured_overwrite":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[5],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-60466","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-parenting"],"yoast_head":"\nHugging Your Teenager - OU Life<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"The adolescent who is taking your heart & dribbling it like a basketball is the same adorable child you loved to pieces. You love him but he knows how to make it difficult for you.\" \/>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/www.ou.org\/life\/parenting\/hugging-your-teenager\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"Hugging Your Teenager - OU Life\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"The adolescent who is taking your heart & dribbling it like a basketball is the same adorable child you loved to pieces. You love him but he knows how to make it difficult for you.\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:url\" content=\"https:\/\/www.ou.org\/life\/parenting\/hugging-your-teenager\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:site_name\" content=\"OU Life\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:published_time\" content=\"2018-08-28T12:42:57+00:00\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:modified_time\" content=\"2018-09-20T13:11:51+00:00\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:image\" content=\"https:\/\/www.ou.org\/life\/files\/grimace-1012862_1280.jpg\" \/>\n\t<meta property=\"og:image:width\" content=\"1280\" \/>\n\t<meta property=\"og:image:height\" content=\"853\" \/>\n\t<meta property=\"og:image:type\" content=\"image\/jpeg\" \/>\n<meta name=\"author\" content=\"Hylton I. Lightman, MD, DCH (SA), FAAP\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:card\" content=\"summary_large_image\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:label1\" content=\"Written by\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:data1\" content=\"Hylton I. Lightman, MD, DCH (SA), FAAP\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:label2\" content=\"Est. reading time\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:data2\" content=\"8 minutes\" \/>\n<script type=\"application\/ld+json\" class=\"yoast-schema-graph\">{\"@context\":\"https:\/\/schema.org\",\"@graph\":[{\"@type\":\"WebPage\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.ou.org\/life\/parenting\/hugging-your-teenager\/\",\"url\":\"https:\/\/www.ou.org\/life\/parenting\/hugging-your-teenager\/\",\"name\":\"Hugging Your Teenager - OU Life\",\"isPartOf\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.ou.org\/life\/#website\"},\"primaryImageOfPage\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.ou.org\/life\/parenting\/hugging-your-teenager\/#primaryimage\"},\"image\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.ou.org\/life\/parenting\/hugging-your-teenager\/#primaryimage\"},\"thumbnailUrl\":\"https:\/\/www.ou.org\/life\/files\/grimace-1012862_1280.jpg\",\"datePublished\":\"2018-08-28T12:42:57+00:00\",\"dateModified\":\"2018-09-20T13:11:51+00:00\",\"author\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.ou.org\/life\/#\/schema\/person\/d3ce301d6abbad8942f4d3e5a6c06cad\"},\"description\":\"The adolescent who is taking your heart & dribbling it like a basketball is the same adorable child you loved to pieces. You love him but he knows how to make it difficult for you.\",\"inLanguage\":\"en-US\",\"potentialAction\":[{\"@type\":\"ReadAction\",\"target\":[\"https:\/\/www.ou.org\/life\/parenting\/hugging-your-teenager\/\"]}]},{\"@type\":\"ImageObject\",\"inLanguage\":\"en-US\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.ou.org\/life\/parenting\/hugging-your-teenager\/#primaryimage\",\"url\":\"https:\/\/www.ou.org\/life\/files\/grimace-1012862_1280.jpg\",\"contentUrl\":\"https:\/\/www.ou.org\/life\/files\/grimace-1012862_1280.jpg\",\"width\":1280,\"height\":853},{\"@type\":\"WebSite\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.ou.org\/life\/#website\",\"url\":\"https:\/\/www.ou.org\/life\/\",\"name\":\"OU Life\",\"description\":\"Everyday Jewish Living\",\"potentialAction\":[{\"@type\":\"SearchAction\",\"target\":{\"@type\":\"EntryPoint\",\"urlTemplate\":\"https:\/\/www.ou.org\/life\/?s={search_term_string}\"},\"query-input\":{\"@type\":\"PropertyValueSpecification\",\"valueRequired\":true,\"valueName\":\"search_term_string\"}}],\"inLanguage\":\"en-US\"},{\"@type\":\"Person\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.ou.org\/life\/#\/schema\/person\/d3ce301d6abbad8942f4d3e5a6c06cad\",\"name\":\"Hylton I. Lightman, MD, DCH (SA), FAAP\",\"image\":{\"@type\":\"ImageObject\",\"inLanguage\":\"en-US\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.ou.org\/life\/#\/schema\/person\/image\/\",\"url\":\"https:\/\/www.ou.org\/life\/files\/Hylton-I.-Lightman-MD-DCH-SA-FAAP_avatar_1528699661-96x96.jpg\",\"contentUrl\":\"https:\/\/www.ou.org\/life\/files\/Hylton-I.-Lightman-MD-DCH-SA-FAAP_avatar_1528699661-96x96.jpg\",\"caption\":\"Hylton I. Lightman, MD, DCH (SA), FAAP\"},\"description\":\"Dr. Hylton I. Lightman is a senior statesman amongst pediatricians, an internationally-recognized authority and diagnostician, a public speaker, expert witness and go-to resource for health issues in the Orthodox Jewish community and beyond. Originally from South Africa, he started his current practice, Total Family Care of the Five Towns and Far Rockaway, PC in 1987. Dr. Lightman is a board-certified pediatrician and fellow of the American Academy of Pediatrics (FAAP). Over the years, Dr. Lightman has served in a number of leadership roles: director of the adult allergy clinic at Louis Lasky Center, director of pediatric allergy and asthma at Queens General Hospital, and co-director of pediatric and adult outpatient allergy at St. John\u2019s Episcopal Hospital. Dr. Lightman is also a clinical assistant professor of pediatrics at Hofstra Northwell School of Medicine. In addition, he is actively involved in teaching pediatric and family nurse practitioners through Columbia University, Pace University, Lehmann College, and Molloy College, as well as mentoring physician assistants through Touro College. As the Medical Director and a practicing physician, Dr. Lightman has an accessible and friendly manner with parents and children alike. He holds himself and the whole practice to the highest standards of medical excellence, whether it be a simple camp physical or a child with serious symptoms. He can be reached at drlightman@totalfamilycaremd.com\",\"url\":\"https:\/\/www.ou.org\/life\/author\/hylton-lightman\/\"}]}<\/script>\n<!-- \/ Yoast SEO plugin. -->","yoast_head_json":{"title":"Hugging Your Teenager - OU Life","description":"The adolescent who is taking your heart & dribbling it like a basketball is the same adorable child you loved to pieces. You love him but he knows how to make it difficult for you.","robots":{"index":"index","follow":"follow","max-snippet":"max-snippet:-1","max-image-preview":"max-image-preview:large","max-video-preview":"max-video-preview:-1"},"canonical":"https:\/\/www.ou.org\/life\/parenting\/hugging-your-teenager\/","og_locale":"en_US","og_type":"article","og_title":"Hugging Your Teenager - OU Life","og_description":"The adolescent who is taking your heart & dribbling it like a basketball is the same adorable child you loved to pieces. You love him but he knows how to make it difficult for you.","og_url":"https:\/\/www.ou.org\/life\/parenting\/hugging-your-teenager\/","og_site_name":"OU Life","article_published_time":"2018-08-28T12:42:57+00:00","article_modified_time":"2018-09-20T13:11:51+00:00","og_image":[{"width":1280,"height":853,"url":"https:\/\/www.ou.org\/life\/files\/grimace-1012862_1280.jpg","type":"image\/jpeg"}],"author":"Hylton I. Lightman, MD, DCH (SA), FAAP","twitter_card":"summary_large_image","twitter_misc":{"Written by":"Hylton I. Lightman, MD, DCH (SA), FAAP","Est. reading time":"8 minutes"},"schema":{"@context":"https:\/\/schema.org","@graph":[{"@type":"WebPage","@id":"https:\/\/www.ou.org\/life\/parenting\/hugging-your-teenager\/","url":"https:\/\/www.ou.org\/life\/parenting\/hugging-your-teenager\/","name":"Hugging Your Teenager - OU Life","isPartOf":{"@id":"https:\/\/www.ou.org\/life\/#website"},"primaryImageOfPage":{"@id":"https:\/\/www.ou.org\/life\/parenting\/hugging-your-teenager\/#primaryimage"},"image":{"@id":"https:\/\/www.ou.org\/life\/parenting\/hugging-your-teenager\/#primaryimage"},"thumbnailUrl":"https:\/\/www.ou.org\/life\/files\/grimace-1012862_1280.jpg","datePublished":"2018-08-28T12:42:57+00:00","dateModified":"2018-09-20T13:11:51+00:00","author":{"@id":"https:\/\/www.ou.org\/life\/#\/schema\/person\/d3ce301d6abbad8942f4d3e5a6c06cad"},"description":"The adolescent who is taking your heart & dribbling it like a basketball is the same adorable child you loved to pieces. You love him but he knows how to make it difficult for you.","inLanguage":"en-US","potentialAction":[{"@type":"ReadAction","target":["https:\/\/www.ou.org\/life\/parenting\/hugging-your-teenager\/"]}]},{"@type":"ImageObject","inLanguage":"en-US","@id":"https:\/\/www.ou.org\/life\/parenting\/hugging-your-teenager\/#primaryimage","url":"https:\/\/www.ou.org\/life\/files\/grimace-1012862_1280.jpg","contentUrl":"https:\/\/www.ou.org\/life\/files\/grimace-1012862_1280.jpg","width":1280,"height":853},{"@type":"WebSite","@id":"https:\/\/www.ou.org\/life\/#website","url":"https:\/\/www.ou.org\/life\/","name":"OU Life","description":"Everyday Jewish Living","potentialAction":[{"@type":"SearchAction","target":{"@type":"EntryPoint","urlTemplate":"https:\/\/www.ou.org\/life\/?s={search_term_string}"},"query-input":{"@type":"PropertyValueSpecification","valueRequired":true,"valueName":"search_term_string"}}],"inLanguage":"en-US"},{"@type":"Person","@id":"https:\/\/www.ou.org\/life\/#\/schema\/person\/d3ce301d6abbad8942f4d3e5a6c06cad","name":"Hylton I. Lightman, MD, DCH (SA), FAAP","image":{"@type":"ImageObject","inLanguage":"en-US","@id":"https:\/\/www.ou.org\/life\/#\/schema\/person\/image\/","url":"https:\/\/www.ou.org\/life\/files\/Hylton-I.-Lightman-MD-DCH-SA-FAAP_avatar_1528699661-96x96.jpg","contentUrl":"https:\/\/www.ou.org\/life\/files\/Hylton-I.-Lightman-MD-DCH-SA-FAAP_avatar_1528699661-96x96.jpg","caption":"Hylton I. Lightman, MD, DCH (SA), FAAP"},"description":"Dr. Hylton I. Lightman is a senior statesman amongst pediatricians, an internationally-recognized authority and diagnostician, a public speaker, expert witness and go-to resource for health issues in the Orthodox Jewish community and beyond. Originally from South Africa, he started his current practice, Total Family Care of the Five Towns and Far Rockaway, PC in 1987. Dr. Lightman is a board-certified pediatrician and fellow of the American Academy of Pediatrics (FAAP). Over the years, Dr. Lightman has served in a number of leadership roles: director of the adult allergy clinic at Louis Lasky Center, director of pediatric allergy and asthma at Queens General Hospital, and co-director of pediatric and adult outpatient allergy at St. John\u2019s Episcopal Hospital. Dr. Lightman is also a clinical assistant professor of pediatrics at Hofstra Northwell School of Medicine. In addition, he is actively involved in teaching pediatric and family nurse practitioners through Columbia University, Pace University, Lehmann College, and Molloy College, as well as mentoring physician assistants through Touro College. As the Medical Director and a practicing physician, Dr. Lightman has an accessible and friendly manner with parents and children alike. He holds himself and the whole practice to the highest standards of medical excellence, whether it be a simple camp physical or a child with serious symptoms. He can be reached at drlightman@totalfamilycaremd.com","url":"https:\/\/www.ou.org\/life\/author\/hylton-lightman\/"}]}},"acf":[],"brizy_media":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.ou.org\/life\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/60466","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.ou.org\/life\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.ou.org\/life\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.ou.org\/life\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/133543"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.ou.org\/life\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=60466"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/www.ou.org\/life\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/60466\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":60468,"href":"https:\/\/www.ou.org\/life\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/60466\/revisions\/60468"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.ou.org\/life\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/60467"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.ou.org\/life\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=60466"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.ou.org\/life\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=60466"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.ou.org\/life\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=60466"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}