In the wake of two high-profile suicides in the last week or so, there\u2019s been a lot of talk about how people might be suffering deeply and those around them \u2013 even those close to them \u2013 might never know. I see calls all over the place for more sensitivity, more awareness, more reaching out to people even when we think they\u2019re okay.<\/p>\n
That\u2019s all good. It\u2019s all crucial.<\/p>\n
At the same time, though, I can\u2019t help thinking that there\u2019s only so much even the kindest-hearted person can do for another. I\u2019m not just talking about depression \u2013 in fact, I\u2019m afraid of seeming to talk about it, as if I were qualified to offer guidance on how to help someone who is depressed or thinking about suicide \u2013 but being sensitive and open to the existence of any type of hidden difficulty. One person might be struggling financially while another is longing to meet a life partner or have a child, and still another is experiencing an existential crisis \u2013 and then these individuals run into acquaintances who, oblivious to their pain, start complaining about how long the contractor is taking on that luxury kitchen upgrade, or gushing over wedding or baby pictures, or sharing a hashgacha<\/em> story that only twists the knife of spiritual doubt deeper in the heart of the silent sufferer.<\/p>\n Everyone seems to be calling on everyone else to raise awareness of all kinds of problems people may be facing, to be more sensitive, to reach out to those who might be struggling \u2013 and it\u2019s all good. It\u2019s all crucial.<\/p>\n But \u2013 there\u2019s only so much that even the kindest-hearted person can do for another, without a little guidance.<\/p>\n In thinking about how to be kind and sensitive to others\u2019 needs and struggles, several paradigmatic models for kindness come to mind.<\/p>\n The first is Avraham. Known for his chesed<\/em>, Avraham\u2019s model is to proactively sit outside his tent, hoping for visitors that he can welcome and help. As soon as he sees strangers approaching, he runs to them, assesses what they might need, offers it, and does it \u2013 all before the guests have said a word. Are they thirsty? Are their feet dusty? Are they hungry? Avraham never asks; he reads their situation, deduces what they must need, and jumps to do it. (See beginning of Bereishit chapter 18, with Rashi on verse 1.)<\/p>\n A few perakim<\/em> later (chapter 24), we find another paradigm for chesed<\/em> in Rivka. Rivka\u2019s chesed<\/em> is very different from Avraham\u2019s. Rivka isn\u2019t looking to help anyone; she\u2019s minding her business, going to the well for her own family\u2019s water. She draws her water and starts to return \u2013 when Avraham\u2019s servant intercepts her. The Torah\u2019s description of him running to her is identical to the language used when Avraham ran to greet his prospective guests (\u05d5\u05d9\u05e8\u05e5 \u05dc\u05e7\u05e8\u05d0\u05ea); the difference is that there, it was the chesed-<\/em>doer who took that initiative, while here the one who\u2019s looking for help takes the first step.<\/p>\n Shouldn\u2019t she have seen him, obviously tired and thirsty from travel, and immediately offered water, just like her future father-in-law would have done? Doesn\u2019t the fact that the servant had to ask<\/em> diminish Rivka\u2019s chesed<\/em>?<\/p>\n Actually, what she does \u2013 including what she doesn\u2019t do \u2013 fits exactly the conditions laid out by the servant a few pesukim<\/em> earlier. He didn\u2019t say \u201cG-d, the woman who offers me water – I\u2019ll know she\u2019s the one!\u201d Instead, he said very specifically that \u201cthe young lady to whom I will say, Pour your pitcher please, and I will drink \u2013 and she says, Drink \u2013 she is the one You have indicated\u201d (Bereishit 24:14).<\/p>\n Chesed<\/em>, the middah <\/em>that leads one person to help another, doesn\u2019t demand reading minds. Rivka passes the test \u2013 but what\u2019s the test? It\u2019s not about reaching out; it\u2019s about giving, generously and without hesitation, when somebody asks.<\/p>\n Not everyone is like Avraham, jumping to read people and their needs, giving them everything before they even open their mouths \u2013 and really, I\u2019m not sure everyone in need of support even wants it that way. Friends say I think too much, but I always wondered about the people who could just drop off a casserole, without first finding out whether the person with supposed difficulties wants a casserole. On one hand, I was thrilled when people did it for me. But what if my dinners are already covered and my freezer is too full? What if I have an allergy? What if I just don\u2019t like mushrooms? (I don\u2019t, by the way. Just in case anyone ever wants to bring me a casserole.)<\/p>\n In a more extreme example, I\u2019ve seen several suggestions in the past week that we should all check up on people who seem fine, just in case. How does that look, exactly? I can just imagine it:<\/p>\n Hi, how are you? \u2026 Oh, that\u2019s great; you sound really fulfilled and happy with life. But you know, that actually makes me nervous, because, well, with all those cases we keep hearing about of people who seemed happy and made other people happy but then it turned out that they were dealing with really dark demons\u2026 Are you also only happy on the outside? Any demons to you want to talk about? Don\u2019t be shy! <\/em><\/p>\n Kind of an absurd scenario, isn\u2019t it? Clearly, there are limits to how far out on a limb one person can go in trying to guess the needs of another.<\/p>\n We might not have the first idea how to reach out.<\/p>\n We might reach out till we\u2019re blue in the face, but be rebuffed with a bland \u201csure, I\u2019m great, everything\u2019s fine\u201d \u2013 and then how will we be able to help?<\/p>\n We might reach out in the wrong way. Just one example I\u2019ve worried about on occasion: If I know a couple who\u2019s been married for more years than typical with no children, do I invite them so they won\u2019t feel isolated, demonstrating they\u2019re welcome in the community whether or not they fit the mold, or not invite them because maybe they\u2019re struggling and it might be painful to sit with my children at our Shabbos table?<\/p>\n Maybe I should ask\u2026 maybe they could tell.<\/p>\n Even Avraham, assessing and providing for needs that probably seemed fairly obvious, didn\u2019t necessarily guess right. Sure, his guests ate what he offered, but Midrashic traditions tell us they were angels and didn\u2019t actually need to. They\u2019d come for something else.<\/p>\n Sometimes, acts of kindness \u2013 including sensitivity and support for those who are struggling in any area of life \u2013 need to be requested. We can\u2019t always guess what others need; sometimes we have to be told, to be asked.<\/p>\n Of course, we have to make ourselves available for those in need to reach out to us.<\/p>\n That\u2019s also part of Rivka\u2019s chesed<\/em>-test. What does it tell us about Rivka\u2019s great middos<\/em>, if she had to be asked for water? Maybe it tells us that she was someone one could<\/em> ask. \u201cThe young woman to whom I will say\u2026\u201d \u2013 maybe the fact that he could say that, that she seemed approachable, was part of the test. Rivka didn\u2019t have to guess that he was thirsty, or jump to offer him water, to be considered a kind person. But she had to exude an openness to being asked, and respond to the best of her ability \u2013 even beyond what he actually said \u2013 when he did ask.<\/p>\n So maybe that\u2019s what we need to do, too. For those who really can read people and dig behind the fa\u00e7ade, guess at the problem, and reach out with the right support \u2013 that\u2019s amazing and I\u2019m in awe of you. But the rest of us, who might just not have the foggiest, can be sensitive and supportive too. We can make ourselves known as the sort of people who are open to the existence of struggles, and maybe even \u2013 if we\u2019re comfortable \u2013 be open about our own struggles too.<\/p>\n We can work together to build a community in which it\u2019s known that it\u2019s okay to have struggles, that we all have them, and that we all want to help. That we want to know what would help you<\/em>.<\/p>\n More and more organizations seem to be sprouting in recent years to offer support for all sorts of challenges, and I think the mere existence of these initiatives is crucial. Creating, supporting, and publicizing them offers reassurance that challenges are real, that they are more common than anyone thinks, and that there are places to turn. There are people to ask, from the friendly individual next door to the domestic abuse hotline number posted in the mikva to those who help address poverty, infertility, illnesss\u2026and yes, depression and thoughts of suicide. By building a community in which these problems are all acknowledged and addressed, we remove stigmas and let those in trouble know it\u2019s okay to ask. That others want <\/em>to be asked. Like Rivka, we\u2019re ready to drop everything and help, if only we know what\u2019s needed.<\/p>\n There\u2019s a third biblical paradigm of chesed<\/em> to consider, too. What did Rut do for her mother-in-law that earned her a reputation as a baalat chesed<\/em>? It\u2019s simple: she didn\u2019t leave.<\/p>\n Naomi was miserable. She wasn\u2019t silent about it, either, putting on a cheerful fa\u00e7ade while slowly falling apart inside; no, Naomi told her daughters-in-law to stay away from her because \u201cI\u2019m excessively bitter\u201d (1:13), and when recognized as \u201cNaomi\u201d (pleasant), she said she should instead be called \u201cBitter!\u201d (v. 19-20) She couldn\u2019t have been the best company – yet Rut stuck with her. When they needed food, Rut got food, and she stayed. She stayed, and eventually, Naomi was able to start looking towards the future with hope, making plans and encouraging Rut to improve both of their lives.<\/p>\n Maybe, sometimes, we can help just by being there. By refusing to leave. By seeing another through the day-to-day needs of life until they\u2019re ready to ask for help or even to pull themselves out of whatever the trouble is. Maybe our presence, openness, and willingness can even support them enough that one day they\u2019ll be ready, like Naomi, to help us in turn.<\/p>\n Sarah C. Rudolph is a Jewish educator and freelance writer. She has been sharing her passion for Jewish texts of all kinds for over 15 years, with students of all ages. Sarah\u2019s essays have been published in a variety of internet and print media, including Times of Israel, Kveller,\u00a0Jewish Action<\/a>, The Lehrhaus, TorahMusings, and more. Sarah lives in Cleveland with her husband and four children, but is privileged to learn online with students all over the world through\u00a0www.TorahTutors.org<\/a>\u00a0and\u00a0www.WebYeshiva.org<\/a>.<\/em><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" In the wake of two high-profile suicides in the last week or so, there\u2019s been a lot of talk about how people might be suffering deeply and those around them \u2013 even those close to them \u2013 might never know. I see calls all over the place for more sensitivity, more awareness, more reaching out<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":133529,"featured_media":59920,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"_cloudinary_featured_overwrite":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[85],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-59916","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-inspiration"],"yoast_head":"\n
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