{"id":59859,"date":"2018-06-06T12:45:06","date_gmt":"2018-06-06T17:45:06","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.ou.org\/life\/?p=59859"},"modified":"2018-06-17T02:43:58","modified_gmt":"2018-06-17T07:43:58","slug":"a-lesson-in-correcting","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.ou.org\/life\/inspiration\/a-lesson-in-correcting\/","title":{"rendered":"A Lesson in Correcting"},"content":{"rendered":"

There\u2019s a strange passage in the Gemara in Kiddushin 32a. We are told that Rav Yehuda, the son of Rav Yechezkel, corrected his father\u2019s lesson by saying \u201cFather, don\u2019t teach the mishna<\/em> that way!\u201d After describing the debate that ensued between father and son, the Gemara records that another sage, Shmuel, yelled at Rav Yehuda for the way he spoke to his father, and quoted him the following:<\/p>\n

One whose father is transgressing the Torah\u2019s words, he should not say to him, Abba, you transgressed the Torah\u2019s words<\/em>! (We\u2019ll call this option #1 – \u05d0\u05d1\u05d0 \u05e2\u05d1\u05e8\u05ea \u05e2\u05dc \u05d3\u05d1\u05e8\u05d9 \u05ea\u05d5\u05e8\u05d4)<\/p>\n

Rather, he says to him, Father, thus is written in the Torah. <\/em>(#2 – \u05d0\u05d1\u05d0 \u05db\u05da \u05db\u05ea\u05d5\u05d1 \u05d1\u05ea\u05d5\u05e8\u05d4)<\/p>\n

\u201cThus is written in the Torah\u201d \u2013 [that too] causes pain to [his father]!<\/em><\/p>\n

Rather, he should say to him, Father, the text is written thus in the <\/em>Torah. (#3 -\u05d0\u05d1\u05d0 \u05de\u05e7\u05e8\u05d0 \u05db\u05ea\u05d5\u05d1 \u05d1\u05ea\u05d5\u05e8\u05d4 \u05db\u05da)<\/p>\n

Now, maybe it\u2019s just me, but \u201cthe text is written thus in the Torah\u201d sounds an awful lot like \u201cthus is written in the Torah.\u201d I can understand why the first option is considered disrespectful, and a violation of the Gemara\u2019s earlier statement that reverence for one\u2019s parent includes not contradicting their words. But why does that third formulation finally satisfy the Gemara as being an appropriate way to point out parental error? How is it different from option #2, which is rejected as being too \u201cpainful\u201d for the parent?<\/p>\n

Rambam offers a simple yet crucial explanation, which I think has great potential to improve our learning, our middos<\/em>, and all our interactions \u2013 not just those between parent and child.<\/p>\n

[If the child] saw [the parent] transgressing words of Torah, he should not say to him \u201cFather, you transgressed words of Torah!\u201d Rather, he should say to him, \u201cFather, [is it] <\/strong>written thus in the Torah\u201d \u2013 as if he is asking<\/strong> him, not like he is cautioning him. <\/em>(Hilchot Mamrim 6:11)<\/p>\n

Rambam makes one simple enhancement to option #3: he adds a question mark.<\/p>\n

Without punctuation, the Hebrew words are ambiguous, so Rambam clarifies: One should not state<\/strong> \u201cfather, the Torah says this\u201d \u2013 i.e., differently from what you just did \u2013 but should instead ask<\/strong>, \u201cFather, does<\/strong> the Torah say this?\u201d<\/p>\n

What is the advantage of a question over a statement? I think there are two categories in which questions might be better, which I might label (1) pretend uncertainty<\/strong> and (2) actual uncertainty<\/strong>.<\/p>\n

First, questions demonstrate more respect: even if the child is dead certain of the facts, pretending<\/strong> uncertainty allows the parent to save face and take the lead as the one who knows. The child expresses confusion \u2013 \u201cIt\u2019s Y? But I thought there was this pasuk<\/em> that says X!\u201d \u2013 and turns to the parent for help in arriving at an explanation: \u201cCan you explain to me how this pasuk<\/em> fits with your statement of Y?\u201d Even if the child actually knows it\u2019s X, the child takes a step back and allows the parent to play the part of the one who knows stuff.<\/p>\n

Don\u2019t we all feel better about discussions in which we\u2019re shown respect as thinkers and knowers, rather than simply being told something? Aren\u2019t we more amenable to changing our positions when we can play the role of thinker and knower?<\/p>\n

I know I am much more likely to give an alternative perspective serious thought if I am asked about it than if someone makes a declarative statement against what I already said. If I say Y and you tell me X, I am liable to get insulted and\/or defensive, and stick to my guns even more. But if you say \u201cBut Sarah, how do you explain this pasuk<\/em>?\u201c \u2013 then we\u2019re partners in exploration, and maybe you\u2019re even casting me as the authority. Now I\u2019ll have<\/em> to think seriously about X, and it won\u2019t hurt me at all to come to your conclusion \u2013 because I\u2019m the one who came to it.<\/p>\n

We\u2019re more receptive when we\u2019re respected as thinkers and knowers, even if that respect is (partially) an act.<\/p>\n

What might be even more important, though, is that questioning is more intellectually honest, allowing for the possibility not just of pretending<\/em> uncertainty but of the child actually<\/em><\/strong> being wrong and the parent being right.<\/p>\n

A statement leaves no room. By stating \u201cThe sky is blue,\u201d I assert that I know all about the sky, and I know all about blue, and anyone who says otherwise is mistaken. I take the sum total of my learning and my experiences, and come to this conclusion, and cannot fathom that there might be anything I don\u2019t know. I\u2019m right, and even if you are my parent, you are wrong. The sky is definitely, unequivocally, blue.<\/p>\n

Oh, but guess what? Maybe it\u2019s not. Maybe if I were to dig more deeply, instead of assuming the facts accord with my perceptions \u2013 maybe if I would say \u201cIs the sky blue?\u201d\u00a0 I would find that the sky looks blue because of something light blah blah scatter something waves \u2026 (This is not my field.) In fact, I asked Google this very question and found that very answer (with more actual science-y words). I even found an article entitled \u201cBlue Skies Only In the Eye of the Beholder<\/a><\/strong>.\u201d<\/p>\n

Even with such a simple statement as \u201cthe sky is blue,\u201d that seems so obviously true, I might be missing part of the picture.<\/p>\n

Indeed, there are some things about which we should make strong, unequivocal statements. But before we get to the statements, we should ask questions.<\/p>\n

How often does it happen that a story will spread around social media like wildfire, condemning some person or institution for some reprehensible act \u2013 and then, eventually, word trickles out that we didn\u2019t get the full story, that there was good reason (or at least, perceived good reason) behind the act, that it wasn\u2019t so reprehensible as we thought?<\/p>\n

Maybe it was exactly that reprehensible \u2013 and then we should, indeed, take a stand. But only once we are satisfied that we have the full story, that nobody has unwittingly jumped to conclusions based on assumptions rather than facts. Only once we\u2019ve asked the questions.<\/p>\n

It\u2019s hard to ask questions, though, because it\u2019s so easy to make assumptions and so hard to realize we\u2019re doing it.<\/p>\n

I see examples of this phenomenon all the time, in all areas of life.<\/p>\n

One of my favorites in the area of Torah study comes up when I teach the story of Moshe\u2019s birth and people start getting upset that his mother, \u201csaw that he was good, and hid him for three months\u201d (Shemot 2:2). \u201cShe only hid him because he was good; that\u2019s terrible! A mother should always love her child and do whatever it takes to save that child!\u201d Until we start to tease out the assumptions underlying that reaction, by asking questions instead: What does \u201cgood\u201d mean here? What reasons might there have been to not hide him? How does his \u201cgoodness\u201d relate to her hiding him? I won\u2019t give away the answers, but commentaries have addressed these questions and more for centuries. It\u2019s a weird pasuk \u2013 but only if we assume it means what we think it means. Once we ask, we find out how much more there is to learn.<\/p>\n

It comes up in discussions of practical halacha, too. I\u2019ve been accused by many, including friends, family, and rabbeim<\/em>, of being a little overly concerned about what happens in my kitchen (\u201ccrazy,\u201d I think, is a word they\u2019ve used), but I stubbornly<\/span> steadfastly maintain that I\u2019m simply aware and alert to potential pitfalls. An example of the sort of exchange I have frequently: Years ago, I asked some shayla <\/em>about something fleishig <\/em>that had been put down directly on the counter, and was told it was all fine \u2013 but then I pointed out that we had a baby who sometimes drank formula, that the counter in question was the very spot where we mixed those bottles, and that invariably there was dairy formula powder spilled there. Even the thoughtful, erudite rav <\/em>I was bothering about this had jumped to a conclusion without realizing it, and had assumed the counter was clean. (I\u2019m sure it was still fine in the end \u2013 I don\u2019t really remember \u2013 but at least the missing detail made it a more interesting question.)<\/p>\n

How much more could we learn, and how much more accurate could we be, if we trained ourselves to shift our sentences? Not \u201cI\u2019m sure it was clean,\u201d but \u201cWas it clean?\u201d Not \u201cShe only hid him because he was good,\u201d but \u201cWhat does good mean?\u201d Like Rambam shows us, one little question mark can make a huge difference.<\/p>\n

And of course, asking instead of telling can shift all types of interpersonal relations \u2013 not just between parents and children, and not just in the context of Torah. I\u2019ll refrain from sharing examples here, lest I embarrass myself or others when those with whom I\u2019ve related interpersonally inevitably recognize themselves. But we all know it\u2019s true. Think about the last conflict or misunderstanding you were part of or observed. Could it have been avoided by phrasing a statement as a question instead, even if only for the sake of softening a blow or allowing the other to save face (pretend uncertainty)? Could either party have learned something by being open to having a question answered (actual uncertainty), rather than assuming the answers?<\/p>\n

If we can train ourselves to add a question mark, transforming our statements into questions until we are truly and fully ready to make a declaration, then we will be better able to recognize the assumptions underlying the statements we would have made. We will be prepared to learn that our assumptions may not have been correct, and might even shake up our entire perspective on an issue. And we will be better able to influence people where it really counts, when we really are right and they are wrong.<\/p>\n

After all, everyone is right sometimes, and everyone is wrong sometimes. Even children, and even parents.<\/p>\n

\n

Sarah C. Rudolph is a Jewish educator and freelance writer. She has been sharing her passion for Jewish texts of all kinds for over 15 years, with students of all ages. Sarah\u2019s essays have been published in a variety of internet and print media, including Times of Israel, Kveller,\u00a0Jewish Action<\/a>, The Lehrhaus, TorahMusings, and more. Sarah lives in Cleveland with her husband and four children, but is privileged to learn online with students all over the world through\u00a0www.TorahTutors.org<\/a>\u00a0and\u00a0www.WebYeshiva.org<\/a>.<\/em><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

There\u2019s a strange passage in the Gemara in Kiddushin 32a. We are told that Rav Yehuda, the son of Rav Yechezkel, corrected his father\u2019s lesson by saying \u201cFather, don\u2019t teach the mishna that way!\u201d After describing the debate that ensued between father and son, the Gemara records that another sage, Shmuel, yelled at Rav Yehuda<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":133529,"featured_media":59860,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"_cloudinary_featured_overwrite":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[85],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-59859","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-inspiration"],"yoast_head":"\nA Lesson in Correcting - OU Life<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"\u201cThe text is written thus in the Torah\u201d sounds an awful lot like \u201cthus is written in the Torah.\u201d Why is one an acceptable way to correct parents and teachers but not the other?\" \/>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/www.ou.org\/life\/inspiration\/a-lesson-in-correcting\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"A Lesson in Correcting - OU Life\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"\u201cThe text is written thus in the Torah\u201d sounds an awful lot like \u201cthus is written in the Torah.\u201d Why is one an acceptable way to correct parents and teachers but not the other?\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:url\" content=\"https:\/\/www.ou.org\/life\/inspiration\/a-lesson-in-correcting\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:site_name\" content=\"OU Life\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:published_time\" content=\"2018-06-06T17:45:06+00:00\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:modified_time\" content=\"2018-06-17T07:43:58+00:00\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:image\" content=\"https:\/\/www.ou.org\/life\/files\/GettyImages-673040262.jpg\" \/>\n\t<meta property=\"og:image:width\" content=\"756\" \/>\n\t<meta property=\"og:image:height\" content=\"462\" \/>\n\t<meta property=\"og:image:type\" content=\"image\/jpeg\" \/>\n<meta name=\"author\" content=\"Sarah Rudolph\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:card\" content=\"summary_large_image\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:label1\" content=\"Written by\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:data1\" content=\"Sarah Rudolph\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:label2\" content=\"Est. reading time\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:data2\" content=\"9 minutes\" \/>\n<script type=\"application\/ld+json\" class=\"yoast-schema-graph\">{\"@context\":\"https:\/\/schema.org\",\"@graph\":[{\"@type\":\"WebPage\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.ou.org\/life\/inspiration\/a-lesson-in-correcting\/\",\"url\":\"https:\/\/www.ou.org\/life\/inspiration\/a-lesson-in-correcting\/\",\"name\":\"A Lesson in Correcting - OU Life\",\"isPartOf\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.ou.org\/life\/#website\"},\"primaryImageOfPage\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.ou.org\/life\/inspiration\/a-lesson-in-correcting\/#primaryimage\"},\"image\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.ou.org\/life\/inspiration\/a-lesson-in-correcting\/#primaryimage\"},\"thumbnailUrl\":\"https:\/\/www.ou.org\/life\/files\/GettyImages-673040262.jpg\",\"datePublished\":\"2018-06-06T17:45:06+00:00\",\"dateModified\":\"2018-06-17T07:43:58+00:00\",\"author\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.ou.org\/life\/#\/schema\/person\/1152286413e1d80860df14a3a112ec4c\"},\"description\":\"\u201cThe text is written thus in the Torah\u201d sounds an awful lot like \u201cthus is written in the Torah.\u201d Why is one an acceptable way to correct parents and teachers but not the other?\",\"inLanguage\":\"en-US\",\"potentialAction\":[{\"@type\":\"ReadAction\",\"target\":[\"https:\/\/www.ou.org\/life\/inspiration\/a-lesson-in-correcting\/\"]}]},{\"@type\":\"ImageObject\",\"inLanguage\":\"en-US\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.ou.org\/life\/inspiration\/a-lesson-in-correcting\/#primaryimage\",\"url\":\"https:\/\/www.ou.org\/life\/files\/GettyImages-673040262.jpg\",\"contentUrl\":\"https:\/\/www.ou.org\/life\/files\/GettyImages-673040262.jpg\",\"width\":756,\"height\":462,\"caption\":\"angry teacher woman with megaphone shouting at stressed scared student blown away by wave of science math formulas. 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