{"id":59402,"date":"2018-03-20T09:12:48","date_gmt":"2018-03-20T14:12:48","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.ou.org\/life\/?p=59402"},"modified":"2018-03-27T04:13:36","modified_gmt":"2018-03-27T09:13:36","slug":"growing-your-family-through-pesach-2018","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.ou.org\/life\/parenting\/growing-your-family-through-pesach-2018\/","title":{"rendered":"Growing Your Family Through Pesach 2018"},"content":{"rendered":"<p>\u201cDr. Lightman.\u00a0 Pesach is looming. It\u2019s f-f-f-f-family time. And my children are not exactly picture perfect. What am I going to do?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>I remember those days. My children are awesome but hardly perfect (my grandchildren are awesome and perfect). Somehow, our kids don\u2019t \u201cperform\u201d just because we ring a bell.<\/p>\n<p>Family get-togethers can be loaded with angst. Parents tell me that they may be surrounded by relatives and love but there\u2019s always that relative who disagrees with how they parent or somehow says something judgmental that feels like a knife has been slammed into the gut and then twisted 180 degrees.<\/p>\n<p>I\u2019m here to boost your confidence.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Teach your child manners<\/strong><\/p>\n<p>We parents must teach our children what we expect from them in behavior. Look people in the eye. Shake an adult person\u2019s hand firmly, keeping eye contact. Respond appropriately to questions; shrugging shoulders doesn\u2019t cut it. Most children will file the information away and use it in the moment.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Don\u2019t surrender your parenting authority to any person<\/strong><\/p>\n<p>Parents have told me that Bubbe and Zayde don\u2019t approve of their parenting style.<\/p>\n<p>My response: Bubbe and Zayde are entitled to their opinion. And Bubbe and Zayde should think once, twice, 20 times before voicing their opinion to their children. And never should Bubbe and Zayde undermine Mom and Dad, especially in front of the grandchildren. Doing so will create, G-d forbid, confusion and shame in parents\u2019 hearts.<\/p>\n<p>What if someone jumps the gun and says something? Suggested responses:<\/p>\n<ul>\n<li>\u201cMmmmmm\u2026I\u2019ll think about it.\u201d<\/li>\n<li>\u201cI\u2019ll handle it.\u201d Say it firmly.<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<p>Don\u2019t forget who you are, Mom and Dad. Continue to develop your unique voices as parents. Stay present in the moment.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Just let it go<\/strong><\/p>\n<p>Not everything needs to be answered. Silence can be golden (as long as lives are not threatened). Take a deep breath and stay the course. When your child sees you react or respond calmly, that\u2019s a priceless lesson that he will one day reenact.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Let family know how they can help<\/strong><\/p>\n<p>With an outspoken family member who feels they know best, be straight. Say matter-of-factly: \u201cCome and get me if my child misbehaves and I\u2019ll handle it.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>And there are family members who are more reserved and will never offer an opinion. Bless them in your heart. Tell them to come get you, if needed.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Give a heads up<\/strong><\/p>\n<p>What if your child is out of sorts and just not themselves? Joshua missed his nap. Michal might be teething.<\/p>\n<p>It\u2019s normal for kids not to be themselves at times. Be proactive and give a heads up. Quietly announce when you walk in something to the effect like: \u201cJoshua napped only 20 minutes so he\u2019s not as well rested as always.\u201d Or \u201cYonina is in that preschool independent phase and likes to do everything by herself.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>There will be family members who will want to help soothe a cranky child or will get a kick out of watching a little person assert their independence.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Be flexible<\/strong><\/p>\n<p>Miriam\u2019s singing the <em>Mah Nishtanah<\/em> does not necessarily have to take place at the <em>Seder<\/em>. Be flexible and think about a luncheon meal as her singing venue.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Never speak ill of your kids in front of others<\/strong><\/p>\n<p>Naftali might be overflowing with energy but please never describe him as a \u201chellion on wheels.\u201d If he hears it, he will want to be it. And negative names have a nasty habit of sticking for a long time.<\/p>\n<p>Suggested language: \u201cYes, Naftali is a work in progress.\u201d<\/p>\n<p><strong>Prepare your kids what to expect and what you expect from them<\/strong><\/p>\n<p>Part of your pre-Pesach work includes putting aside the Fantastik (or packing) and telling your children what you expect and what will be happening. If guests are coming, speak about sharing their home and toys. Tell them \u201cnormal\u201d will return.<\/p>\n<p>If you\u2019ll be guests in another person\u2019s home, ask when arriving where the children can play and which areas are off limits. Tell them they can\u2019t go past the row of trees in the backyard. Children welcome talk in concrete terms.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Always remember that your children are human<\/strong><\/p>\n<p>Even with the best <em>chinuch<\/em>, kids act out because they are kids. Have a sense of humor about it. Address it and move on.\u00a0 Stressing about it will only stress them and others. And the faster you move on, they, too, will move on.<\/p>\n<p>I can\u2019t emphasize enough the importance of preparation, preparation and preparation. Please G-d, the time and effort we invest in thinking through our family dynamics and how to run an engaging <em>Seder<\/em> and the other days of Pesach that meets multi-generational needs should surpass the time and effort invested in new outfits for <em>Yom Tov<\/em>. Our children watch and observe what we do and then take it on as their <em>modus operandi<\/em>.<\/p>\n<p>In the time you don\u2019t have between now and <em>Yom Tov<\/em>, try to peruse the most recent issue of the Orthodox Union\u2019s <a href=\"https:\/\/jewishaction.com\"><strong><em>Jewish Action<\/em><\/strong><\/a> magazine. It\u2019s devoted to profiling people who strive to raise spiritually thriving families. It\u2019s excellent, engaging and well-written and is chock-full of practical information. Even one tiny nugget you implement before <em>Shekiah<\/em> on March 30\u00a0can make a world of positive difference.<\/p>\n<p>These are lessons that are not reserved for Pesach only but can be used all year long. Raising a family is some of the hardest toiling we\u2019ll ever do. But the rewards\u2026.<\/p>\n<p>As always, <em>daven<\/em>.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>\u201cDr. Lightman.\u00a0 Pesach is looming. It\u2019s f-f-f-f-family time. And my children are not exactly picture perfect. What am I going to do?\u201d I remember those days. My children are awesome but hardly perfect (my grandchildren are awesome and perfect). Somehow, our kids don\u2019t \u201cperform\u201d just because we ring a bell. Family get-togethers can be loaded<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":133543,"featured_media":59430,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"_cloudinary_featured_overwrite":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[5],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-59402","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-parenting"],"yoast_head":"<!-- This site is optimized with the Yoast SEO plugin v24.9 - https:\/\/yoast.com\/wordpress\/plugins\/seo\/ -->\n<title>Growing Your Family Through Pesach 2018 - OU Life<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"Holidays can be stressful. We love our relatives but there\u2019s always one who disagrees with our parenting. Tips for getting through it. These lessons aren&#039;t just for Pesach, use them all year long. Raising a family is some of the hardest toiling we\u2019ll ever do. 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