{"id":59061,"date":"2018-01-22T10:36:04","date_gmt":"2018-01-22T15:36:04","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.ou.org\/life\/?p=59061"},"modified":"2018-01-29T05:39:58","modified_gmt":"2018-01-29T10:39:58","slug":"kosher-shmosher","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.ou.org\/life\/inspiration\/kosher-shmosher\/","title":{"rendered":"“Kosher, Shmosher”"},"content":{"rendered":"

In the interest of full disclosure, I must first state that I\u2019m writing this on a dare.<\/p>\n

Here are some excerpts from an actual conversation with a friend via Facebook messenger (complete with grammatical shorthand common to the medium; don\u2019t judge us!):<\/p>\n

Friend:<\/strong> Thinking of a much needed girls\u2019 night out\u2026interested? [link to information about Waitress<\/em>] \u2026I\u2019ve always wanted to see it\u2026<\/p>\n

Me:<\/strong> I never heard of it.<\/p>\n

Friend:<\/strong> So look into it first \u2013 it has great music but not necessarily a kosher story line, so don\u2019t know what you\u2019re comfortable with :P<\/p>\n

Me:<\/strong> Kosher shmosher<\/p>\n

Friend:<\/strong> Sounds like a well thought out hashkafic approach\u2026 I dare you to title your next blog post kosher shmosher :P<\/p>\n

Me:<\/strong> I mean, I do have my limits, but I\u2019m assuming this isn\u2019t past them.<\/p>\n

It\u2019s funny; most people who know me would assume I have limits, and might even assume that most things would be past them. As a teenager, I drove my friends crazy every time we tried to rent a movie together. (Yes, back in the days of renting movies.) \u201cSarah, how about this\u2026 No\u2026 Or this?…No\u2026 Maybe we should just take Sarah to browse the ‘kids and family’ section!\u201d<\/p>\n

Ah, fond memories of fruitless hours spent in Blockbuster.<\/p>\n

To be fair (to me), my \u201ckosher shmosher\u201d wasn\u2019t serious; I do care about the content of the various media to which I expose myself, and whether it\u2019s \u201ckosher.\u201d But of course, the jokes we make reveal something.<\/p>\n

Why do we (and I don\u2019t think I\u2019m alone in this) so often joke about not having standards, about not doing the right thing?<\/p>\n

How often do we jokingly minimize something, despite its importance to us, with a line like this? (My husband likes to remind me of his comedic coup, years ago, when I pointed out we should daven because shkiyah was approaching and he responded, \u201cOh, shkiyah shkiyah!\u201d Get it?)<\/p>\n

In, I think, a similar vein, how often do we say things like \u201cI really shouldn\u2019t, but\u2026?\u201d<\/p>\n

I really shouldn\u2019t eat this cake, but\u2026 (Calories, shmalories! Sugar, shmugar!)<\/p>\n

I really shouldn\u2019t watch this show, but\u2026<\/p>\n

I\u2019ve been thinking about this ever since my friend dared me, and it proved to be a harder topic than I expected. I\u2019m not sure I have answers, but I do have some thoughts.<\/p>\n

Thought number 1: I wonder if maybe we joke about these things because we\u2019re afraid of how others will perceive us if we take a strong, unapologetic, serious stance. Certainly, I tried that defense mechanism even as a teenager, couching my objections in self-deprecating humor wherever possible so I wouldn\u2019t come across as a goody-goody, or worse, holier-than-thou. \u201cYou know me and my silly rules!\u201d<\/p>\n

In this case, the same (newish) friend who wanted to see the show was also suggesting I might not find it kosher enough. How could I possibly have responded? \u201cOh, I\u2019d better check it out, then\u2026 Okay, I looked at the plot line and you\u2019re right, it looks completely inappropriate, so I\u2019m not going to come with you, but have fun anyway!\u201d Talk about holier-than-thou! My kneejerk reaction in the face of any possibility of maybe coming across that way even a little bit, is to crack a joke at the expense of the very notion of standards.<\/p>\n

Why are we so afraid of having standards and standing by them? Why can\u2019t we trust others to respect their own standards enough to allow us ours, without any disparagement in either direction? Why can\u2019t we relax, agreeing to disagree, without fear of being judged as \u201cjudgmental?\u201d Even in high school, I think my friends did respect me for my \u201csilly rules\u201d \u2013 they did keep hanging out with me, after all, for which I am eternally grateful! \u2013 yet I was never quite comfortable. And even now, in my thirties, a friend who does share much of my hashkafa<\/em> (the well-thought-out parts, at least) raised a question and I immediately put up a wall. Still afraid \u2013 because in our day and age, there seems to be no crime worse than appearing to \u201cjudge\u201d those with whom we might simply disagree.<\/p>\n

Thought number 2: I wonder if maybe we joke about these things because we\u2019re afraid of ourselves, too. Maybe we\u2019re afraid of our own uncertainties about our standards and choices. I\u2019ll enjoy the cake, but is that a good enough reason to eat it despite its nutritional shortcomings? Do I \u201cdeserve\u201d this \u201cwicked\u201d treat, maybe just on Shabbos, maybe as a way to share a special moment with a loved one, maybe just because I want it? If I couch it as something I shouldn\u2019t do but am doing, then I get to downplay my cake and eat it too. I feel a little better about my choice for having acknowledged it may not be 100% in keeping with my values \u2013 even though I\u2019m still eating it. As if I gave it real thought and came to a determination, when in reality I might be hiding from the complexity of the question.<\/p>\n

Maybe I was uncomfortable with seeing a show that might not be \u201ckosher,\u201d but I also knew I was probably going to see it anyway – because who turns down a chance at a girls\u2019 night out? So I instinctively both acknowledged the potential downside and minimized it. Once I laughed about it, I could go \u2013 and that\u2019s much easier than actually looking into it and coming to a well-thought-out decision.<\/p>\n

Why are we so afraid to own our standards, including the gray areas? Yes, sometimes the cake is worth it, and sometimes a little harmless fun might be valuable, and sometimes there might even be real value in secular media that goes beyond simply harmless fun. (As Highlights<\/em> magazine likes to say, \u201cfun with a purpose!\u201d) And yes, sometimes we will have to make decisions about which cake is worth it and which fun is harmless or even meaningful, and when to close our eyes and ears from all of it. And maybe we\u2019ll regret some of those choices, but we can still take ownership of them before, during, and after, and maybe learn a little something for next time.<\/p>\n

Thought number 3: It\u2019s both humbling and reassuring to have a friend call me out on those insecurities. \u201cSounds like a well-thought-out hashkafic<\/em> approach.\u201d Though her point also contained a little dose of sarcastic humor, it was well taken. \u201cKosher, shmosher\u201d is not a particularly well-thought-out approach, and I\u2019m kind of embarrassed that I even made the joke, because I always did pride myself on having standards.<\/p>\n

And sometimes it\u2019s the most reassuring, and moving and humbling and impactful, when those who don\u2019t share our perspectives remind us of them \u2013 as even my teenage friends sometimes did for me, especially as we grew up a little. \u201cSarah, you don\u2019t want to see that movie!\u201d \u2013 even when they had no problem with it for themselves.<\/p>\n

Maybe, with those adolescent years well behind me, I can embrace my standards with the confidence that comes from having built a wide network of diverse friends with whom to navigate the gray areas. We might sometimes agree and sometimes disagree, but we can offer each other the support to question, to decide, and to stick with our decisions – without apology to each other or to ourselves. Because we can be mature enough to respect each other whether our hashkafic<\/em> approaches and choices align or not.<\/p>\n

Though apparently, I\u2019m not so mature that I won\u2019t take the occasional dare, as long as it\u2019s well thought out.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

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