{"id":53930,"date":"2016-06-15T12:03:10","date_gmt":"2016-06-15T17:03:10","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.ou.org\/life\/?p=53930"},"modified":"2016-06-15T12:23:22","modified_gmt":"2016-06-15T17:23:22","slug":"plea-jewish-communtiy","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.ou.org\/life\/community\/plea-jewish-communtiy\/","title":{"rendered":"My Plea to the Jewish Communtiy"},"content":{"rendered":"

The following article was published in the Queens Jewish Link<\/a>. <\/em><\/p>\n

Although I am only 24 years old, I see myself as having achieved more than most young adults. \u00a0A college graduate with a 3.94 GPA who balanced school, extracurricular activities, and other life responsibilities, I never could have predicted that I would one day be subject to a\u00a0shidduch<\/i> crisis of a different caliber. \u00a0I never imagined that I would be seen as incapable, damaged, and unworthy of the same life experiences as anyone else.<\/p>\n

Although I may have spent six months in treatment for an eating disorder during my early college years, and three months in treatment for anxiety and depression post-college, I always believed that my experiences have made me stronger and more capable of coping with the challenges of life. \u00a0To me, recovery means the ability to live a meaningful life, a life that I would fill with passion, joy, and hobbies, most of which were lost in the throes of mental illness. \u00a0As part of my meaningful life, I\u2019ve always looked forward to the day every little girl dreams of. \u00a0I looked forward to the day of my wedding \u2013 the day I would walk down the aisle in my white dress, walking around my chasan<\/i>seven times, the day I would begin building my home on the foundation of Torah.<\/p>\n

Little did I know what I would face when I would enter the dating turf of Orthodox Jews. \u00a0While in treatment, I was empowered to be open and honest about my struggles, and I was taught the importance of owning my past. \u00a0However, upon my return home, mentor after mentor, friend after friend, family member after family member encouraged me to keep these experiences a secret. \u00a0After all, how would I get a job? \u00a0How would I get a\u00a0shidduch<\/i>? \u00a0Besides one public speaking stint, I listened to these recommendations. \u00a0It was only as I worked my way through my first job that I began to understand the implications of my struggles on my life as an Orthodox Jew.<\/p>\n

As a teacher, the way I represent myself is of utmost importance to my being a role model. \u00a0When it came out that I had struggled from mental health issues, a member of the administration politely told me that no student should ever find out. \u00a0Professionally, I understood this. \u00a0Personally, as someone who serves as a role model to vulnerable teenagers, I questioned if this was the correct approach. \u00a0Shouldn\u2019t we be teaching our youth that it\u2019s okay to struggle? \u00a0Shouldn\u2019t we be showing them living proof that it is possible to overcome one\u2019s obstacles? \u00a0What better role model than one whom they can potentially relate to and be empowered by? \u00a0While it is not easy to feel judged due to my past, I am grateful for the opportunity to break the stigma and prove to my colleagues that individuals who have suffered from mental illness can often be just as valuable and successful as anyone else.<\/p>\n

Research done by the National Alliance on Mental Illness shows that approximately 1 in 5 adults in the US \u2013 43.8 million, or 18.5% \u2013 experiences mental illness in a given year. \u00a0In fact, approximately 1 in 25 adults in the US \u2013 ten million, or 4.2% \u2013 experiences a serious mental illness in a given year that substantially interferes with or limits one or more major life activities. \u00a0You might be surprised, but these statistics don\u2019t discount Orthodox Jews. \u00a0Yes, you heard me correctly: 1 in 5 adults in the Orthodox Jewish community also\u00a0<\/i>suffers from some form of mental illness.<\/p>\n

Unfortunately, the general population is still fairly skeptical of those who suffer or have overcome mental illness, not realizing how complex it is. \u00a0People associate mental illness with homeless people walking the streets of New York City, psychiatric institutions, and a host of pills that may or may not help. \u00a0What we as a community have to come to understand is that not all forms of mental illness are the same. \u00a0Yes, some may need to be hospitalized. \u00a0Others may need to take medication to maintain their recovery. \u00a0That does not mean that individuals who suffer from mental illness do not deserve to live the same enjoyable, fulfilling lives as anyone else. \u00a0What many don\u2019t realize is that mental illness can also affect people who have high-ranking jobs, loving families, and gratifying social lives. \u00a0Chances are you know someone who suffers from mental illness on some level. \u00a0It\u2019s just not spoken about.<\/p>\n

That is why people like me, whether recovered from mental illness, or suffering from just some anxiety, have a shidduch<\/i> crisis of our own. \u00a0I have unfortunately been privy to the ups and downs of the \u201cdating world\u201d for the past four years and it has truly been a roller coaster.<\/p>\n

Let us start with the first \u201cserious\u201d guy I dated. \u00a0He seemed slightly nervous when I told him about my history, but told me we would get through it and that everything would be okay. \u00a0The next thing I knew, his mother was calling individuals in my community to find out about me \u2013 individuals who had no idea about any of my struggles and now knew way more about my personal life than I was comfortable with. \u00a0His mother even went through the grapevine to find out who my therapist was and called her! \u00a0Don\u2019t you think that\u2019s taking things a little too far? \u00a0If her son is old enough to be getting married, shouldn\u2019t he be making these phone calls himself? \u00a0His mother ended our relationship on account of not being comfortable with my history.<\/p>\n

Enter a few other guys I dated within the next few years. \u00a0There were obviously the guys with whom things just didn\u2019t work out. \u00a0I am okay with that. \u00a0Everyone experiences that. \u00a0Don\u2019t get me wrong, I didn\u2019t tell every guy I dated about my struggles. \u00a0I only revealed the information when the relationships got to the point where I was halachically obligated and felt comfortable doing so. \u00a0Then entered the guys who claimed<\/i> they were okay with my past, but proceeded to end the relationship the date after they found out. \u00a0At this point I knew I hit a roadblock. \u00a0These guys were not comfortable with my past but felt too uncomfortable to tell me that. \u00a0I can understand that. \u00a0It must be awkward for them. \u00a0I always took these \u201crejections\u201d in stride, believing that one day I would meet someone who would accept me.<\/p>\n

Enter a serious marriage prospect: This guy was different from the others. \u00a0Being that we knew each other since the age of nineteen, he was no stranger to my history and had always been a supportive friend throughout my struggles. \u00a0Everyone who heard we were dating encouraged me to \u201cmake it work\u201d because he already accepted me for all I had been through. \u00a0We had the same values, enjoyed each other\u2019s company, and as the phrase goes, \u201cwe clicked.\u201d \u00a0As the months went by and we continued to spend time together, he opened up to his parents about our next step: his plans to marry me. \u00a0After watching us date for five months, his parents were happy for him and completely supported our plan to build a home and spend the rest of our lives together \u2013 that is, until they asked the magic question: Does she take any medication?<\/p>\n

I do not believe in lying. \u00a0I told him he had to tell his parents, especially since my recovery was such a large part of my past and made me who I am today. \u00a0I feared holding back this information would lead to issues in the future, if his parents found out about my past later on in our lives. \u00a0Upon hearing my struggles, his parents made a complete 180. \u00a0They were no longer supportive. \u00a0They wanted to do research and find out everything about anything I had ever struggled with. \u00a0I sat on a chair while they asked me question after question about both my past and my present, listening for any red flags that may come up. \u00a0I offered them to speak to my therapist and psychiatrist, but they had no interest. \u00a0They believed my therapist would only be trying to \u201csell\u201d me and would have no concern for the wellbeing of their son.<\/p>\n

They took a different approach. \u00a0They Googled my medications, printing out the side effects and showing them to the man I thought I would marry, making it seem like every side effect must<\/i> affect me. \u00a0They estimated the cost of therapy for a year, telling him I was very expensive and that he wouldn\u2019t have to worry about these costs with another girl. \u00a0Wow. \u00a0I am now an object. \u00a0I am expensive. \u00a0What if my taste in clothing was expensive? \u00a0They blamed my excellent organization and time management skills on my anxiety, while those are truly just basic elements of my temperament that some people struggle with their whole lives!<\/p>\n

YES, YOU HEARD ME CORRECTLY: 1 IN 5 ADULTS IN THE ORTHODOX JEWISH COMMUNITY ALSO <\/i>SUFFERS FROM SOME FORM OF MENTAL ILLNESS.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

We spoke with rabbis, mentors, and even psychologists in the field. \u00a0Nothing seemed to help. \u00a0His parents would return to the same arguments over and over, as to why my condition was concerning, despite the fact that no professional deemed it so. \u00a0The guy I was seeing tried his hardest to defend me, yet also knew in the end of the day that he would have to respect his parents\u2019 wishes.<\/p>\n

After two and a half weeks of waiting for his parents to make their decision, I began to question some of their behaviors. \u00a0Why was all this research necessary? \u00a0Why did they have to read article after article when these articles were prototypes, barely applicable to my experiences? \u00a0Why couldn\u2019t they just look at me without my diagnostic label, and appreciate me for what I have to offer? \u00a0Why can\u2019t they see that I am a successful teacher devoted to a life of Torah, family, and tikun olam<\/i>? \u00a0Why can\u2019t they look at the fact that I love their son and he loves me? \u00a0Why can\u2019t they trust him that he knows what he\u2019s \u201cgetting himself into,\u201d that despite the challenges I\u2019ve been through, he wants me to be his wife? \u00a0Why couldn\u2019t they let him make the most important decision of his life?<\/p>\n

After everything I had been through in life, I couldn\u2019t allow myself to be treated like damaged goods. \u00a0I could not stick around and continue to be insulted, viewed as an object for sale, with each and every flaw being scrutinized. \u00a0I do not suffer from severe mental illness that affects my daily living. \u00a0So I have occasional bouts of depression and generalized anxiety. \u00a0Yet, I also hold down a job. \u00a0In fact, I even get promotions. \u00a0I have friends. \u00a0I have a loving and tight-knit family. \u00a0I do not deserve to be treated as a pariah, an unwanted nuisance, and interloper to a perfect family.<\/p>\n

If I didn\u2019t believe in Hashem to the extent that I do, if my faith in Judaism wasn\u2019t as strong as it is, I can tell you that after my experiences in the dating world, I would no longer want to be frum<\/i>. \u00a0I have friends outside the Orthodox world, and while there is still stigma surrounding the topic of mental illness, it does not exist to the same degree. \u00a0There is more education, awareness, and sensitivity towards those who struggle or may have struggled in the past. \u00a0Parents are not as involved in their children\u2019s dating lives and don\u2019t end relationships that are on the path to marriage. \u00a0Couples who want to get married do so with or without parental support, knowing that in the end of the day they are at least getting to spend the rest of their lives with the persons they love.<\/p>\n

Our relationship ended two weeks ago and I don\u2019t write this as a plea to his family. \u00a0This is a plea to the Jewish community at large. \u00a0Don\u2019t wait until your child comes home and says he or she wants to marry someone who has been diagnosed with depression. \u00a0Don\u2019t wait until you are set up on a date with a guy or girl who you soon find out has anxiety. \u00a0Educate yourself now. \u00a0Learn about what it means to suffer from these disorders on a daily basis. \u00a0Understand that just because one suffers from a mental illness, it doesn\u2019t mean that the person is unable to take care of him or herself and live a stable, happy, productive life. \u00a0The \u201cbuzzwords\u201d of mental illness are nowhere near as scary as they sound.<\/p>\n

I often read articles about the \u201cshidduch<\/i> crisis\u201d and marriage horror stories. \u00a0Numerous\u00a0shiurim<\/i> and dating books describe red flags and obstacles that lead to unhealthy marriages. \u00a0None of them (at least that I\u2019ve come across) have described what to do when the person you are dating is everything<\/i> one is looking for but<\/i> comes with one \u2013 just one \u2013 of these red flags. \u00a0Depression, anxiety, and other mental illnesses are all seen as red flags. \u00a0Does this mean people with the slightest case of depression are not marriage material? \u00a0What if a woman has a baby and gets postpartum depression? \u00a0Is she no longer marriage material? \u00a0Is a divorce in order? \u00a0I can assure you that numerous people with some form of mental illness get married every day and do just fine.<\/p>\n

Instead of looking at mental illness as a red flag, we need to view it on a spectrum. \u00a0I am not going to lie. \u00a0Some forms of mental illness are<\/i> in fact red flags, and do need to be evaluated as such. \u00a0When searching for a spouse or \u201cinvestigating\u201d your child\u2019s future partner, keep in mind that medication does not mean mediocrity. \u00a0Remember to be sensitive in the questions you ask and the way you go about your questioning. \u00a0Speak with a psychologist or doctor trained specifically in the illness your loved one suffers from, preferably one who works with him or her. \u00a0You will need your partner\u2019s permission due to confidentiality, but I can assure you that if he or she loves you, permission will be granted. \u00a0The doctor will not only<\/i> be looking out for his patient\u2019s welfare. \u00a0In fact, once speaking with you, the doctor is obligated to tell you the truth about your loved one and you do not have to worry about lies. \u00a0Speak to a rabbi who works with and understands mental illness. \u00a0Find a neutral party to help guide you in this process. \u00a0If you truly love someone, it will be worth it.<\/p>\n

I have a challenge for the Jewish community. \u00a0We need to open up a dialogue \u2013 a dialogue about dating and mental health in an open-minded, calm, and sensitive manner. \u00a0We need to raise awareness about the challenges of dating when diagnosed with mental illness, and educate our community that the nature of a diagnosis is different for everyone. \u00a0The Jewish people are a nation built on the foundation of Torah<\/i>, avodah<\/i>, andg\u2019milus chasadim<\/i>. \u00a0As we navigate the dating world, let us keep in mind some of the most basic bein adam l\u2019chaveiro<\/i> tenets and limit the lashon ha\u2019ra<\/i> that comes out of our mouths. \u00a0I urge you to do your avodah<\/i>, but do it properly. \u00a0Make sure to reach out to the proper people and take advantage of the correct resources. \u00a0Lastly, be kind. \u00a0Do not forget that you are dealing with another person\u2019s emotions, self-respect, and dignity. \u00a0I plead to you: If confronted with a situation related to shidduchim<\/i> and mental health, act with kindness, sensitivity, and understanding. \u00a0In this way, we will together be addressing a different aspect of the shidduch<\/i> crisis \u2013 one that often goes misunderstood, unrecognized, and unheard. \u00a0Let us be a light unto the nations by being a light unto ourselves.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

The following article was published in the Queens Jewish Link. Although I am only 24 years old, I see myself as having achieved more than most young adults. \u00a0A college graduate with a 3.94 GPA who balanced school, extracurricular activities, and other life responsibilities, I never could have predicted that I would one day be<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":730,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"_cloudinary_featured_overwrite":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[97],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-53930","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-community"],"yoast_head":"\nMy Plea to the Jewish Communtiy - OU Life<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"The stigma of mental illness in the Jewish community.\" \/>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/www.ou.org\/life\/community\/plea-jewish-communtiy\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"My Plea to the Jewish Communtiy - 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