{"id":53782,"date":"2016-05-11T11:28:39","date_gmt":"2016-05-11T16:28:39","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.ou.org\/life\/?p=53782"},"modified":"2016-05-11T11:29:04","modified_gmt":"2016-05-11T16:29:04","slug":"giving-kids-benefit-doubt","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.ou.org\/life\/parenting\/giving-kids-benefit-doubt\/","title":{"rendered":"Giving Our Kids The Benefit of The Doubt"},"content":{"rendered":"<p>In this week\u2019s Parsha we read the the most important <em>mitzvah<\/em> in the Torah according to Rabbi Akiva:\u00a0<em>v&#8217;ahavta l&#8217;rei&#8217;echa kamocha<\/em><em>,<\/em> \u201cLove your neighbor as yourself.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>How can we love our neighbor as ourselves?<\/p>\n<p>One way is to give the benefit of the doubt, <em>dan l\u2019kaf zchut.<\/em> We want to always try to put ourselves in another\u2019s shoes.<\/p>\n<p><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" class=\"size-full wp-image-53785 alignright\" src=\"https:\/\/www.ou.org\/life\/files\/soclof-art.jpg\" alt=\"soclof-art\" width=\"300\" height=\"199\" \/>Let\u2019s apply this to parenting our children.<\/p>\n<p>Children generally don&#8217;t misbehave because they are bad. There is usually something prompting their behavior.<\/p>\n<p>As parents we usually assign a negative motive to our child\u2019s behavior:<\/p>\n<ul>\n<li>A baby in their highchair, will throw their food because they are finished and they haven\u2019t learn to say \u201cI\u2019m done.\u201d<\/li>\n<li>A toddler will tantrum because they are overwhelmed, hungry or tired and they don&#8217;t know how to manage those feelings.<\/li>\n<li>A teen will act out because they don&#8217;t have the self-awareness to let you know that they were embarrassed in front of their friends because they didn&#8217;t have the latest sneakers, the ones that everyone is wearing.<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<p>When this happens we throw up our hands and tell our children of all ages that they are behaving badly.<\/p>\n<p>Instead, all we need to do is give them the benefit of the doubt.<\/p>\n<p>We need to scratch beneath the surface of their behavior, and consider why are they acting in such a manner. We need to stop labeling their behavior as <em>bad <\/em>when it is pretty <em>normal.<\/em><\/p>\n<p>When baby throws food from the highchair, we can model the words that they need to learn: \u201cYou\u2019re finished with your breakfast. When you finish say \u2018all done.\u2019\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Even if a child is not talking yet, you are still modeling appropriate language, which is how children learn.<\/p>\n<p>For your toddler who is in the throws of a tantrum, you can say, \u201cYou are so tired (hungry, angry). Let\u2019s find a place for you to calm down.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>For your teen, you can acknowledge their feelings, \u201cIt can be embarrassing when you don&#8217;t feel like you fit in with your friends.\u201d \u00a0If this is hard for you, just imagine a time when you went casual and you showed up at the event and everyone was dressed to the nines.<\/p>\n<p>When we parent, it is valuable to give children the benefit of the doubt, and not immediately assume that they are misbehaving.<\/p>\n<p>Children need us to believe the best about them and this is just one way we can do that.<\/p>\n<p>&nbsp;<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>In this week\u2019s Parsha we read the the most important mitzvah in the Torah according to Rabbi Akiva:\u00a0v&#8217;ahavta l&#8217;rei&#8217;echa kamocha, \u201cLove your neighbor as yourself.\u201d How can we love our neighbor as ourselves? One way is to give the benefit of the doubt, dan l\u2019kaf zchut. We want to always try to put ourselves in<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":720,"featured_media":53786,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[85,5],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-53782","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-inspiration","category-parenting"],"yoast_head":"<!-- This site is optimized with the Yoast SEO plugin v24.9 - https:\/\/yoast.com\/wordpress\/plugins\/seo\/ -->\n<title>Giving Our Kids The Benefit of The Doubt - OU Life<\/title>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/www.ou.org\/life\/parenting\/giving-kids-benefit-doubt\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"Giving Our Kids The Benefit of The Doubt - OU Life\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"In this week\u2019s Parsha we read the the most important mitzvah in the Torah according to Rabbi Akiva:\u00a0v&#8217;ahavta l&#8217;rei&#8217;echa kamocha, \u201cLove your neighbor as yourself.\u201d How can we love our neighbor as ourselves? One way is to give the benefit of the doubt, dan l\u2019kaf zchut. We want to always try to put ourselves in\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:url\" content=\"https:\/\/www.ou.org\/life\/parenting\/giving-kids-benefit-doubt\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:site_name\" content=\"OU Life\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:published_time\" content=\"2016-05-11T16:28:39+00:00\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:modified_time\" content=\"2016-05-11T16:29:04+00:00\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:image\" content=\"https:\/\/www.ou.org\/life\/files\/socloffeatured.jpg\" \/>\n\t<meta property=\"og:image:width\" content=\"272\" \/>\n\t<meta property=\"og:image:height\" content=\"180\" \/>\n\t<meta property=\"og:image:type\" content=\"image\/jpeg\" \/>\n<meta name=\"author\" content=\"Adina Soclof\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:card\" content=\"summary_large_image\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:label1\" content=\"Written by\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:data1\" content=\"Adina Soclof\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:label2\" content=\"Est. reading time\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:data2\" content=\"2 minutes\" \/>\n<script type=\"application\/ld+json\" class=\"yoast-schema-graph\">{\"@context\":\"https:\/\/schema.org\",\"@graph\":[{\"@type\":\"WebPage\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.ou.org\/life\/parenting\/giving-kids-benefit-doubt\/\",\"url\":\"https:\/\/www.ou.org\/life\/parenting\/giving-kids-benefit-doubt\/\",\"name\":\"Giving Our Kids The Benefit of The Doubt - OU Life\",\"isPartOf\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.ou.org\/life\/#website\"},\"primaryImageOfPage\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.ou.org\/life\/parenting\/giving-kids-benefit-doubt\/#primaryimage\"},\"image\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.ou.org\/life\/parenting\/giving-kids-benefit-doubt\/#primaryimage\"},\"thumbnailUrl\":\"https:\/\/www.ou.org\/life\/files\/socloffeatured.jpg\",\"datePublished\":\"2016-05-11T16:28:39+00:00\",\"dateModified\":\"2016-05-11T16:29:04+00:00\",\"author\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.ou.org\/life\/#\/schema\/person\/e1d662e1b99b4cb9d5268c1a8111a03a\"},\"inLanguage\":\"en-US\",\"potentialAction\":[{\"@type\":\"ReadAction\",\"target\":[\"https:\/\/www.ou.org\/life\/parenting\/giving-kids-benefit-doubt\/\"]}]},{\"@type\":\"ImageObject\",\"inLanguage\":\"en-US\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.ou.org\/life\/parenting\/giving-kids-benefit-doubt\/#primaryimage\",\"url\":\"https:\/\/www.ou.org\/life\/files\/socloffeatured.jpg\",\"contentUrl\":\"https:\/\/www.ou.org\/life\/files\/socloffeatured.jpg\",\"width\":272,\"height\":180},{\"@type\":\"WebSite\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.ou.org\/life\/#website\",\"url\":\"https:\/\/www.ou.org\/life\/\",\"name\":\"OU Life\",\"description\":\"Everyday Jewish Living\",\"potentialAction\":[{\"@type\":\"SearchAction\",\"target\":{\"@type\":\"EntryPoint\",\"urlTemplate\":\"https:\/\/www.ou.org\/life\/?s={search_term_string}\"},\"query-input\":{\"@type\":\"PropertyValueSpecification\",\"valueRequired\":true,\"valueName\":\"search_term_string\"}}],\"inLanguage\":\"en-US\"},{\"@type\":\"Person\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.ou.org\/life\/#\/schema\/person\/e1d662e1b99b4cb9d5268c1a8111a03a\",\"name\":\"Adina Soclof\",\"image\":{\"@type\":\"ImageObject\",\"inLanguage\":\"en-US\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.ou.org\/life\/#\/schema\/person\/image\/\",\"url\":\"http:\/\/www.ou.org\/life\/files\/Adina-Soclof_avatar-96x96.png\",\"contentUrl\":\"http:\/\/www.ou.org\/life\/files\/Adina-Soclof_avatar-96x96.png\",\"caption\":\"Adina Soclof\"},\"description\":\"Adina Soclof, MS. 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