{"id":52758,"date":"2016-01-05T16:28:48","date_gmt":"2016-01-05T21:28:48","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.ou.org\/life\/?p=52758"},"modified":"2016-01-07T08:50:06","modified_gmt":"2016-01-07T13:50:06","slug":"what-not-to-say-to-couples-struggling-with-infertility","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.ou.org\/life\/inspiration\/what-not-to-say-to-couples-struggling-with-infertility\/","title":{"rendered":"What Not to Say to Couples Struggling with Infertility"},"content":{"rendered":"

Nosei B\u2019ol Im Chaveiro \u2013 Carry the Burden with Our Friends<\/strong><\/p>\n

Those struggling with infertility or secondary infertility come to shul, go to work, shop at the supermarket and often nobody knows what they are going through \u2013 the devastating disappointments, the painful procedures and treatments, the mounds of debt incurred, and bearing the insensitive and painful comments and questions. Imagine being desperate for a baby and having to attend your friends brises and baby namings with a smile. Imagine, being desperate for a child and sitting through endless bar and bat mitzvah montages showing lifetimes of happiness, joy and family love.<\/p>\n

We need to be more like Moshe and Aharon and the Ribono Shel Olam Himself and be nosei b\u2019ol im chavareinu, feel the pain of our brothers and sisters and carry their burden with them. We need to be more careful how we speak and what we say. We need to be more grateful for the blessings in our lives and never ever sound like we take them for granted.<\/p>\n

BRS Segula Fund and Support Group<\/strong><\/p>\n

The BRS Segula fund was created by Michele and Chayim Dimont with the goal of alleviating the financial burden associated with the prohibitive costs of infertility treatments. Segula offers interest-free loans to couples in our community experiencing this monetary hardship. The loans are paid back only when the family gives birth to a child. Additionally, Segula offers a monthly support group led by our BRS Social Worker, Aliza Blumenthal, as well as confidential private support to infertile couples suffering from the emotional distress and challenges that infertility can bring.<\/p>\n

Judaism is highly centered around the family and children. Those who contribute to Segula help BRS couples regain courage and hope in this bleak and discouraging time in their lives. For many, the financial component is the biggest obstacle separating them from their dreams of having children.<\/p>\n

Since its inception, the BRS Segula Fund has helped more than 20 couples realize their dream of having a child. Unfortunately, the needs and requests continue. With your help and support, we can help and enable all BRS couples who seek our support. Please make a gift of any size at www.brsonline.org\/segula <\/u>or through a check made out to the BRS Segula Fund.<\/p>\n

Members of our BRS Segula (Tikvateinu) support group<\/strong><\/p>\n

composed the following sensitivity tips for us to share:<\/strong><\/p>\n

One out of eight couples suffers from infertility, which can include the inability to get pregnant, secondary infertility, or loss of a pregnancy\/stillborn. Many people do not wish to share these private struggles, and passing remarks or comments that others may think are okay can actually cause significant hurt unintentionally. Here are tips on how to be sensitive \u2013 what to say and not say to any couple, whether or not you are aware of their particular situation. (The following are actual things that have been said to people in our community suffering from infertility.)<\/p>\n

    \n
  1. Avoid the question, \u201cHow many children do you have?\u201d This is difficult for those trying to conceive who have never gotten pregnant as well as those who have miscarried or those who have lost a child or children. A parent (especially a mother) will always remember how many children she has carried so this comment can be very hurtful to respond to. A child at any stage who has been lost will always \u201ccount\u201d to a parent. Not sure how to approach this question? Let others volunteer information about their children if they wish first.<\/li>\n
  2. Avoid the questions, \u201cHow long have you been married\u2026No children yet?\u201d or \u201cWhen are you going to have another baby?\u201d Don\u2019t assume you can question or comment on one\u2019s plans to start a family or add to a family as no couple will answer with, \u201cWe have been trying for [2, 4, 10] years and don\u2019t have a child yet.\u201d<\/li>\n
  3. Don\u2019t assume that a couple who doesn\u2019t have children or has one child is \u201cfocused on their careers\u201d and has no time for children or doesn\u2019t want children.<\/li>\n
  4. Don\u2019t say, \u201cYou guys are so lucky you don\u2019t have children now \u2013 you can be free to do whatever you want.\u201d Couples who are struggling with infertility want nothing more than to be tied down with a baby and not be able to \u201cpaint the town red.\u201d Making light of the situation and brushing it off with a \u201cyou\u2019re so lucky\u201d comment can be extremely hurtful.<\/li>\n
  5. Never say, \u201cYou\u2019re young, you have time before you have to start trying,\u201d \u201cDon\u2019t try right away,\u201d \u201cGive yourself time to get to know one another,\u201d or, conversely, \u201cYou should have a baby before [such and such age].\u201d The choice of when to start having children is never a topic for a friend or family member (including a parent). It is the couple\u2019s choice when to start, and is a private discussion that occurs between husband and wife. This is a sacred and private aspect of a marriage. In addition, if someone has decided to open up to you and share their struggle, it means that they are sharing something extremely private, making them extremely vulnerable and exposed. Many need an ear, not an insensitive \u201cwave it off\u201d comment.<\/li>\n
  6. If you know of a couple who has a few children and are trying to conceive, have lost a pregnancy, or have had a stillborn, a hurtful thing to say to them is, \u201cBe glad for the children you have \u2013 maybe you were only meant to have [1,\u00a02, 3, etc.]\u201d Such a comment can cause irreparable damage.<\/li>\n
  7. Don\u2019t ask another person\u2019s child, \u201cDon\u2019t you want a little sister\/brother?\u201d So many people ask young children this question and children are usually unaware of the struggle parents go through. This comment can hurt a child or cause the child to put pressure on the parents who are already trying to do all they can as they deal with their infertility issues.<\/li>\n
  8. Difficult as it can be, try not to complain in any way about your children in front of a childless couple. Hearing how annoyed you are that they woke you in the middle of the night, how frustrated you are with your crying baby, how your children drive you crazy, how carpool is \u201cthe worst,\u201d how you got no sleep and \u201cmiss the days you were free like you guys,\u201d how hard it is to be a parent, etc. is extremely insensitive. Couples struggling with infertility would give anything to hold a crying baby in their arms and have a sleepless night.<\/li>\n
  9. If possible, plan a night out with a couple who doesn\u2019t have children. Helping someone challenged by infertility feel like they still \u201cfit in\u201d even though they don\u2019t have children helps them know they have your friendship even though they don\u2019t share the common bond of being a parent. A lot of pain comes from feeling \u201cleft out\u201d and not having anything in common with friends who are parents.<\/li>\n
  10. If someone you know has told you they are struggling with infertility, check in once in a while and say you are thinking of them and wondering how they are feeling. This is much better than saying, \u201cThinking of you and your struggle<\/em>\u201d or \u201cHow are your treatments going\u201d or \u201cWhen is your next fertility treatment\u201d? If someone you really care about is struggling, let them know you are praying for them and that you are there no matter what \u2013 they will open up to you if they feel comfortable and ready to share the intimate struggles they are going through.<\/li>\n
  11. Some of the most hurtful comments are: \u201cWhy don\u2019t you adopt?\u201d or \u201cWe know someone who adopted and then got pregnant right after\u201d or \u201cThere are so many children who need adopting\u201d or \u201cMaybe this is a sign from Hashem it\u2019s not going to happen for you naturally<\/em>.\u201d The choice to adopt or expand a family in a variety of ways is deeply personal, and you can trust a couple is weighing all the options without needing such unsolicited advice from others.<\/li>\n
  12. Lifestyle suggestions such as what to eat or drink, going organic, putting one\u2019s legs up, catching the next full moon, doing yoga, and avoiding things like trampolines are not helpful. Remember that you are not a fertility doctor. What worked for you or a person you know, or something you read online, is not always going to work for someone else. Many fertility issues need to be corrected with intense medical treatment, and some can never be corrected for various reasons. Your input is only another painful reminder of the struggle they are dealing with. If couples are looking for suggestions, they will ask for advice. Unsolicited advice is usually very unwelcomed and can have the opposite effect than what was intended.<\/li>\n
  13. The comment, \u201cJust relax, it will happen,\u201d can be offensive because it comes across as concluding the reason for the infertility being stress. Infertility is a medical issue and especially painful \u2013 a lot of stress stems from the pain of not being able to be a parent and less from the medical diagnosis. In addition, the couple will never not stress. Infertility is a daily struggle\u2013everywhere a couple turns they are reminded of children (on Facebook, in shul, commercials, movies, at the mall, etc.). People struggling with fertility cannot escape it and every day these reminders add to their burden.<\/li>\n
  14. Religious suggestions such as \u201cGet a bracha from this rabbi,\u201d \u201cTry this segula,\u201d \u201cSay this prayer,\u201d or \u201cGod has a plan\u2013stop worrying,\u201d again, are unsolicited and unwelcome pieces of advice. Many people do all of the above for years and still have no child. These suggestions can, in fact, turn couples away from God. When prayers, blessings, or segulas don\u2019t seem to be working, they can easily start to lose faith. Unless they ask, don\u2019t offer your two cents. Instead, give them the honor of being \u201ckvater\u201d at a bris, ask for their Hebrew names so you can daven, say Tehillim, and bake challah with them in mind. If you are in your ninth month of pregnancy and go to the mikvah\u00a0for the segula of an easy birth, offer the woman the honor of going into the mikvah right after you as a segula for them. These things may not work, but it\u2019s less about trying to find a \u201cmagical potion\u201d that gets them pregnant, and more about letting them know that you have their back and support them, are doing all you can to be there for them, and that their struggle is important to you.<\/li>\n<\/ol>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

    Nosei B\u2019ol Im Chaveiro \u2013 Carry the Burden with Our Friends Those struggling with infertility or secondary infertility come to shul, go to work, shop at the supermarket and often nobody knows what they are going through \u2013 the devastating disappointments, the painful procedures and treatments, the mounds of debt incurred, and bearing the insensitive<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":733,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[85],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-52758","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-inspiration"],"yoast_head":"\nWhat Not to Say to Couples Struggling with Infertility - OU Life<\/title>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/www.ou.org\/life\/inspiration\/what-not-to-say-to-couples-struggling-with-infertility\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"What Not to Say to Couples Struggling with Infertility - OU Life\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"Nosei B\u2019ol Im Chaveiro \u2013 Carry the Burden with Our Friends Those struggling with infertility or secondary infertility come to shul, go to work, shop at the supermarket and often nobody knows what they are going through \u2013 the devastating disappointments, the painful procedures and treatments, the mounds of debt incurred, and bearing the insensitive\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:url\" content=\"https:\/\/www.ou.org\/life\/inspiration\/what-not-to-say-to-couples-struggling-with-infertility\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:site_name\" content=\"OU Life\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:published_time\" content=\"2016-01-05T21:28:48+00:00\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:modified_time\" content=\"2016-01-07T13:50:06+00:00\" \/>\n<meta name=\"author\" content=\"Rabbi Efrem Goldberg\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:card\" content=\"summary_large_image\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:label1\" content=\"Written by\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:data1\" content=\"Rabbi Efrem Goldberg\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:label2\" content=\"Est. reading time\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:data2\" content=\"9 minutes\" \/>\n<script type=\"application\/ld+json\" class=\"yoast-schema-graph\">{\"@context\":\"https:\/\/schema.org\",\"@graph\":[{\"@type\":\"WebPage\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.ou.org\/life\/inspiration\/what-not-to-say-to-couples-struggling-with-infertility\/\",\"url\":\"https:\/\/www.ou.org\/life\/inspiration\/what-not-to-say-to-couples-struggling-with-infertility\/\",\"name\":\"What Not to Say to Couples Struggling with Infertility - OU Life\",\"isPartOf\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.ou.org\/life\/#website\"},\"datePublished\":\"2016-01-05T21:28:48+00:00\",\"dateModified\":\"2016-01-07T13:50:06+00:00\",\"author\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.ou.org\/life\/#\/schema\/person\/b3f7905021c0f2a6e200f7cce16e4710\"},\"inLanguage\":\"en-US\",\"potentialAction\":[{\"@type\":\"ReadAction\",\"target\":[\"https:\/\/www.ou.org\/life\/inspiration\/what-not-to-say-to-couples-struggling-with-infertility\/\"]}]},{\"@type\":\"WebSite\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.ou.org\/life\/#website\",\"url\":\"https:\/\/www.ou.org\/life\/\",\"name\":\"OU Life\",\"description\":\"Everyday Jewish Living\",\"potentialAction\":[{\"@type\":\"SearchAction\",\"target\":{\"@type\":\"EntryPoint\",\"urlTemplate\":\"https:\/\/www.ou.org\/life\/?s={search_term_string}\"},\"query-input\":{\"@type\":\"PropertyValueSpecification\",\"valueRequired\":true,\"valueName\":\"search_term_string\"}}],\"inLanguage\":\"en-US\"},{\"@type\":\"Person\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.ou.org\/life\/#\/schema\/person\/b3f7905021c0f2a6e200f7cce16e4710\",\"name\":\"Rabbi Efrem Goldberg\",\"image\":{\"@type\":\"ImageObject\",\"inLanguage\":\"en-US\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.ou.org\/life\/#\/schema\/person\/image\/\",\"url\":\"http:\/\/www.ou.org\/life\/files\/Rabbi-Efrem-Goldberg_avatar-96x96.jpg\",\"contentUrl\":\"http:\/\/www.ou.org\/life\/files\/Rabbi-Efrem-Goldberg_avatar-96x96.jpg\",\"caption\":\"Rabbi Efrem Goldberg\"},\"description\":\"Rabbi Efrem Goldberg is the Senior Rabbi of the Boca Raton Synagogue (BRS), a rapidly-growing congregation of over 650 families and over 1,000 children in Boca Raton, Florida. 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