\u201cDo you know if anyone in his family is taking medications and what those medications are for?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cCan you give me the name of a friend of her father and a different friend of her mother I can speak to about her?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWhat are the circumstances that led to his parents\u2019 divorce?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cIs anyone in her family currently receiving counseling or therapy and for what?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cDoes the father come to Shul during the week or only on Shabbos?\u201d<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
By far, one of the most uncomfortable aspects of being a Shul Rav is fielding shidduch inquiries regarding members of our community of all ages by prospective mates or their parents.\u00a0 Above are just a few of the actual questions I have received in the last few months alone. Comprehensive investigations are not only taking place in the more \u201cright wing\u201d orthodox communities, but are becoming increasingly customary in modern orthodox circles as well.<\/p>\n
As a parent who wants to protect and guard my children as much as anyone, I can only imagine the desire that will swell up in me when my children are dating, please God, to do forensic detective work and uncover absolutely everything about whomever might win the heart of my child and contribute to the spiritual and physical genetics of my future grandchildren.<\/p>\n
And yet it seems to me that the increasing level of investigation, and some of the latest practices surrounding shidduch dating, are not only failing to yield greater effectiveness or the desired results, but they are compounding some of the existing challenges in the system and are contributing to an inappropriate tone to dating.<\/p>\n
There is little disagreement that the modern shidduch system is flawed and in some ways broken.\u00a0 There is an inherent imbalance in the numbers and in the current system, that imbalance favors men and gives them the upper hand and the opportunity to be highly selective.\u00a0 While the process of shidduch dating is often filled with disappointment, loneliness, and frustration for both genders, the demographics make it especially difficult and sometimes acutely painful for young women in particular.<\/p>\n
There is no clear way around the demographics and therefore no quick fix for the system.\u00a0 But at the same time, we need not compound the problems in the system by asking our eligible men and women to degrade themselves in order to be noticed.\u00a0 While admittedly I am neither single nor do I have children currently in the shidduch scene, I do have the perspective of a community rabbi who fields weekly phone calls inquiries and who hears from parents of young people, usually young women, who are struggling with a system that is frequently demeaning and inequitable and often challenges their self-worth.<\/p>\n
I freely admit that I don\u2019t have radical suggestions or transformative solutions.\u00a0 I do, however, feel compelled to share a few observations with the hope that we can collectively tweak the terminology we use and the standards we practice as we aspire to raise the bar, not lower it, and as we try to make the most of a difficult situation.<\/p>\n
First things first: It is completely reasonable and understandable to feel entitled to know basic facts about the individual one is being set up with before agreeing to go out.\u00a0 The question, then, is what is reasonable?\u00a0 I was recently having a Yom Tov meal at someone\u2019s home when they shared with me the album they curated out of memorabilia from their dating and courtship.\u00a0 It began with the scrap of paper upon which the now-husband jotted down a few facts he heard from the shadchan about the girl he was being set up with, his now-wife.\u00a0 Suffice it to say that while it included her education, hobbies and interests, it did not make reference to her medical records or her siblings-in-law.<\/p>\n
In contrast, young people from a similar background as this couple are now told that if they want to enter the shidduch scene, they need to prepare a proper \u201cshidduch resume.<\/a>\u201d Tips are offered as to how to make the resume look professional and impressive and what must be included<\/a>,<\/u> including not only a name, date of birth, height, education, camps, and extra-curricular activities of the prospective mate, but also their parents\u2019 names, birthplace, occupations, and shul affiliation, as well as the siblings\u2019 ages, educational institutions, and spouses\u2019 names, if applicable.<\/p>\n To be clear, I have nothing against utilizing technology to produce a summary page that can be shared easily and efficiently.\u00a0 My issue is not with streamlining the information collection process; it is with the level of detail we are demanding and expecting on \u201cresumes.\u201d Why is the sibling\u2019s occupation relevant to whether or not someone is a viable candidate to meet?\u00a0 Should those who have unemployed siblings, or older single siblings, or siblings who are \u201coff the derech\u201d automatically be rejected?\u00a0 If individuals list such information they are at a disadvantage, and if they omit the information, in the current resume climate it raises suspicions about why it wasn\u2019t included.<\/p>\n One can\u2019t help but wonder regarding last week\u2019s parsha: Had Eliezer seen Rivka\u2019s \u201cshidduch resume\u201d and investigated her father and brother, would he have gotten far enough or been open to see her extraordinary chessed, or would he have nixed the shidduch from the outset?<\/p>\n Scrutinizing shidduch suggestions excessively and performing inquisitions on every recommendation not only precludes and prevents meeting what might have been one\u2019s soulmate, but it does little to ultimately protect oneself or one\u2019s children from someone who on the surface \u201chas everything\u201d going but in reality makes a poor spouse and parent.\u00a0 In my experience interacting with hundreds of families, I have come across many individuals who would have had \u201cundesirable\u201d resumes, including families that have dysfunction, illness, or disability, who emerge to become the most amazing, kind, sensitive, thoughtful, loyal and special spouse and parent.\u00a0 In counseling many couples, I have also discovered many individuals with \u201cperfect\u201d resumes\u2014from the perfect family and with the perfect pedigree, appearance, education, and interests\u2014who turn out to be cruel, selfish, and simply horrible spouses and parents.<\/p>\n It seems to me that our children don\u2019t need detectives working on their behalf. They need us to model the balance between reasonable research and being nonjudgmental, open-minded, and encouraging.\u00a0 The demographic problem poses a great enough challenge without making each young woman feel inadequate if her \u201cresume\u201d cannot pass a forensic investigation.<\/p>\n Additionally, while I recognize that this is not the biggest issue in shidduch dating, nor will it provide a sweeping solution, I believe that language matters, and calling the intake form a \u201cresume\u201d is not only a semantic mistake but it frames dating negatively from the outset. \u00a0A resume is what one produces when he or she is the applicant seeking entrance to a school or job.\u00a0 When one submits a resume, the understanding is that they are the candidate making a case for their worthiness to be accepted by the institution or employer.<\/p>\n Do we really want our children approaching dating and courtship as if they are applying and being interviewed for a job? Don\u2019t we want the tone of their relationships to be defined by two equals engaged in the process of learning about one another through conversation, shared experience, and by observing how they each behave and react in diverse situations? Would they not be better served if we all called them \u201cShidduch Biographies\u201d rather than \u201cresumes?\u201d<\/p>\n Dr. John Gottman, a world-renowned authority on healthy marriages and whose insights we have been sharing in our Shalom Bayis series<\/a>, describes the importance of couples forming what he calls \u201clove maps.\u201d\u00a0 In his extensive research, he found that emotionally intelligent couples are intimately familiar with each other\u2019s worlds, including their life goals, dreams, worries, hopes, fears, and aspirations. \u00a0Love maps never appear on a resume.\u00a0 They are written and formed when a couple have enough in common to be willing to see if there is chemistry between them that transcends what it says about them on paper.<\/p>\n Sometimes, when being interrogated about a member of our shul, if I feel it is appropriate, I will stop the conversation and say, \u201cI think he is an incredible young man, and if one of my daughters were old enough, I would be thrilled if she would go out with him.\u201d\u00a0 It never fails to shock me, and frankly offend me, when the inquirer continues to proceed with their list of questions, revealing that \u201cthe rabbi\u2019s\u201d glowing endorsement that he would happily welcome someone into his family is not as important as getting through their often inappropriate questions.<\/p>\n The latest phenomenon is that many\u2014mostly boys\u2014won\u2019t entertain a resume unless it includes a picture.\u00a0 Of course, physical attraction is a critical component of a successful marriage.\u00a0 In fact, the Talmud (Kiddushin 41a) forbids a man from marrying a woman without seeing her first, lest he insult her and hurt her by a lack of attraction.<\/p>\n Yet Chazal would never have endorsed the immodest practice of gazing at a still picture to determine attraction as a prerequisite to meeting someone in person.\u00a0 When asked about this practice, Rav Chaim Kanievsky responded<\/a>, \u201cthat is nonsense!\u00a0 He will not see anything from the picture.\u00a0 One must meet her in person.\u201d\u00a0 Rav Dovid Feinstein responded similarly,\u00a0 \u201cWhy are we making things more difficult? There is a certain chein<\/em> that young ladies have that often does not come across in a photograph, and can only be seen in person. We are making the shidduch crisis worse with these new requirements.\u201d<\/p>\n Don\u2019t we owe our daughters, many of whom have a hard enough time with dating already, to not have to suffer the indignity of sweating over producing a comprehensive resume and attaching a striking picture?\u00a0 Why is it considered acceptable in some circles for the boy or his mother to ask about the girl\u2019s dress size (yes, this happens), but one would be judged negatively for asking about the boy\u2019s pants size or the receding pattern of his hairline, or even about how many masechtos he has completed or exactly how much income he earn?<\/p>\n