A letter from a parent:<\/p>\n
Dear Adina<\/em><\/p>\n We are parents of a three-year-old boy and nine-month-old girl. We love our three-year-old very much,\u00a0but lately we are at a loss how to deal with him. He is defiant and out of control, he hits us when we tell\u00a0him NO, and the house has become, at times, an unpleasant place. What can we do to help him improve\u00a0his behavior and restore some peace in our home? He is (as I am sure you have heard the expression\u00a0before) a strong-willed child.<\/em><\/p>\n Here are some tips to help you out:<\/p>\n 1. Balance your authority with his independence:<\/strong><\/p>\n Our goal as parents is to teach our children enough life skills so that they can one day manage on their\u00a0own and become productive members of society. Strong-willed children already have a strong dose of\u00a0the independence they need to make it on their own and it should be recognized as a strength.\u00a0Remember that many great people were strong-willed and mischievous. It is a sign of good character,\u00a0creativity and persistence.<\/p>\n Parents often think that we need to subdue our children and always make them listen to what we say.\u00a0This is not the case. We should cultivate a child\u2019s independence. It does not have to be at the expense of\u00a0maintaining our authority as parents in our homes.<\/p>\n 2. Be a detective:<\/strong><\/p>\n Try to find the reasons why he acts the way he does and what sets him off in the first place:<\/p>\n Is it jealousy of his little sister? Does he have trouble transitioning from activity to activity? Is he tired,\u00a0hungry? Does he need extra attention? Does he have trouble processing and following directions? Does\u00a0he have trouble expressing himself with words? Is he with too many unfamiliar people?<\/p>\n There are many different things that can cause misbehavior. Once you find out what his triggers are you\u00a0can start to reduce or eliminate the causes for misbehavior. You can set your child up for success. For\u00a0example if he has trouble processing directions you would give him a visual cue, show him the door or\u00a0his coat if you are leaving, tactile cues, touch him and make eye contact so you know he has heard you\u00a0and give him warnings 5-10 minutes before you are ready to go.<\/p>\n 3. Get his input:<\/strong><\/p>\n Get him used to problem solving and sequencing his activities \u201cBedtime is at 7pm. How do you want to\u00a0work out getting ready for bed?\u201d When do you think a good time is to start if you want to play around,\u00a0brush your teeth, get into pajamas and read a bedtime book?\u201d<\/p>\n The object is not to have military precision when going to bed. It is just an exercise in helping him take\u00a0charge of his time and his responsibilities.<\/p>\n 4. Positive reinforcement:<\/strong><\/p>\n Anytime he behaves well you want to mention it. When we praise children we want to be specific and\u00a0descriptive. He does not have to do anything out of the ordinary:<\/p>\n \u201cYou held my hand when you crossed the street, which is called being safe and taking care of yourself.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cYou asked for a cookie with a please, that is using good manners.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cYou shared your toy with your friend that is called being kind and thoughtful.\u201d<\/p>\n 5. Have a \u201cCup Half Full\u201d Mentality:<\/strong><\/p>\n Try to view all of his behavior in a positive light. It is easy to see the bad. To really be effective with a\u00a0tough kid you need to always look for the good in every interaction. For example, if he gives you a\u00a0difficult time getting into the car to go to school, but he did get into the car, you want to focus on what\u00a0he did in the end.<\/p>\n Instead of: \u201cYou gave me such a hard time getting into bed, it took you forever and you kept on crying\u00a0and misbehaving.\u201d<\/p>\n Say: \u201cYou got into bed, you did not want to, you were so sad and upset about going to sleep, but you did\u00a0it anyway. That is called being flexible and following through.\u201d<\/p>\n 6. Don\u2019t allow the hitting:<\/strong><\/p>\n When he hits:<\/p>\n Accept Feelings:<\/p>\n \u201cYou must be so angry and you can\u2019t tell me with words, so you are hitting.\u201d<\/p>\n Focus on the Positive:<\/p>\n \u201cYou know how to be kind and use your words. Yesterday you told Rikki to go away when she touched\u00a0your toys instead of hitting her.\u201d<\/p>\n Consequence:<\/p>\n \u201cI can\u2019t be with you when you hit. I have to move away\u201d.<\/p>\n Show you have faith in his ability to be correct his misbehavior:<\/p>\n \u201cI know next time you will use your words to tell me how angry you are.\u201d<\/p>\n When it is calm talk to him gently about the incident:<\/p>\n \u201cRemember before you were so angry, you seemed very upset because I ran out of the juice that you\u00a0liked. Next time it is better to use words instead of hitting, \u201cMommy I am so angry that you didn\u2019t have\u00a0my juice, can you buy some as soon as possible!\u201d and when you calm down an even better way of saying\u00a0it is, \u201cMommy please remember to buy me the juice that I like. It is so hard to remember to use\u00a0respectful language when we are angry but I know you will try next time\u201d<\/p>\n 7. Get some rest:<\/strong><\/p>\n Dealing with a strong-willed child is exhausting. You need to be on your toes mentally and physically. It\u00a0is hard to think creatively on how to manage their behavior when you are tired and overwhelmed. Give\u00a0yourself lots of breaks, and try to get a good night\u2019s sleep. Try to work together with your spouse and\u00a0support each other when one of you has spent a lot of time with the strong-willed child. Often, if I see\u00a0the morning is not going well, I will say to my husband, \u201cI don\u2019t have the patience to deal with the\u00a0whining this morning, are you able to take over?\u201d More times than not he is able to do it.<\/p>\n 8. Understand that, more than anything, children want their parents\u2019 approval:<\/strong><\/p>\n If all else fails and you find yourself despairing, it helps to remember that strong-willed children\u00a0desperately want to behave appropriately but they don\u2019t have the necessary basic people skills or\u00a0emotional intelligence to do so. All children want their parents\u2019 approval and some children just don\u2019t\u00a0know how to achieve that. The suggestions mentioned in this article will help us instruct strong-willed\u00a0children gently and respectfully to improve their behavior so that they can succeed at behaving. Try to\u00a0find a technique that works for you and stick with it. Any attempt to connect with your child will be\u00a0greatly appreciated. You will find yourself thinking more positively about your child and yourself. You\u00a0will be well on your way to managing your strong-willed son.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" A letter from a parent: Dear Adina We are parents of a three-year-old boy and nine-month-old girl. We love our three-year-old very much,\u00a0but lately we are at a loss how to deal with him. He is defiant and out of control, he hits us when we tell\u00a0him NO, and the house has become, at times,<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":720,"featured_media":39565,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[5],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-39560","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-parenting"],"yoast_head":"\n