{"id":39079,"date":"2015-02-19T09:06:23","date_gmt":"2015-02-19T14:06:23","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.ou.org\/life\/?p=39079"},"modified":"2015-02-19T12:00:56","modified_gmt":"2015-02-19T17:00:56","slug":"raising-happy-kids-let-sad","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.ou.org\/life\/parenting\/raising-happy-kids-let-sad\/","title":{"rendered":"Raising Happy Kids: Let Them Be Sad"},"content":{"rendered":"

It is finally Rosh Chodesh Adar, Mishenichnas Adar Marbim Bsimcha<\/em>. It is definitely a time for\u00a0us to focus on happiness and what that really means for our family and our kids.<\/p>\n

When I was little girl I was a pretty happy kid. I didn\u2019t get upset too often but when I did I wanted\u00a0to be left alone. I remember my parents, teachers or my friends trying to cheer me up. Adults\u00a0and kids alike would expend a lot of effort in shooing away the bad feelings. They would say\u00a0something funny to make me laugh and then exclaim, \u201cThere\u2019s a smile! You are already feeling\u00a0better.\u201d They would also try to explain why I should be happy, \u201cLater we are having chocolate\u00a0pudding for dinner. So you shouldn\u2019t be so upset.\u201d It annoyed me and made me feel guilty. I was\u00a0feeling unhappy and wanted to wallow. I knew it wouldn\u2019t take me long to pull myself out of my\u00a0funk. I just wanted to do it on my own time. Looking back, I could never understand why people\u00a0wouldn\u2019t just let me be sad.<\/p>\n

Most kids feel that very same way. Children are resentful when parents work so hard to make\u00a0them happy. It is frustrating to have to feel good when you are feeling bad, especially with the\u00a0people whom you want to feel most comfortable. Children may also be confused about their\u00a0emotions. They might think to themselves \u201cSomething must be wrong with the way I feel, if my\u00a0parents don\u2019t want me to feel it.\u201d<\/p>\n

Children also crave independence. That includes being in charge of their feelings and frame of\u00a0mind. When parents try to dictate a child\u2019s mood, even with the best of intentions, it interferes\u00a0with a child\u2019s need for autonomy. This can further frustrate children and drive a wedge between\u00a0parents and children.<\/p>\n

So why do parents do this? Because deep down we think it is our job to keep our kids happy all\u00a0the time and protect them from the vicissitudes of life. Furthermore, if we do that well then we\u00a0are good parents. We might think that a child\u2019s mood reflects our ability to parent effectively. A\u00a0happy kid equals good parents an unhappy kid equals bad parents. When we work from this\u00a0baseline we become enmeshed in our kids\u2019 angry moods. We cannot stand to see our children\u00a0distressed or disheartened.<\/p>\n

Sometimes we become so invested in trying to make our kids happy that we have a hard time\u00a0accepting their rough feelings. We forget that they do not have an adult\u2019s perspective. We may\u00a0think they don\u2019t have to be disappointed if they lost their ball game because they have years\u00a0and hundreds of ball games to win. They don\u2019t have to be hurt about their best friend being\u00a0mean because tomorrow they won\u2019t even remember that they fought. If they just listened to us,\u00a0the all-knowing parent they would always be smiling and contented. They would never have a\u00a0bad day ever again.<\/p>\n

As parents we are missing the point. We need to remember that all people have low states and\u00a0high states, good moods and bad moods. It is part of the human condition. Our job as parents is\u00a0not to make our kids happy all the time but to teach children ways to help themselves manage\u00a0the inevitable ups and downs of life. They need to learn not to sweat the small stuff through trial\u00a0and error. They need to experience being grumpy for no good reason, a broken scooter, a\u00a0missing baseball and the mistake that the bakery made when they delivered a vanilla birthday\u00a0cake instead of chocolate. This will give them the tools they need to handle the big issues in life,\u00a0being grumpy for no good reason, the car that won\u2019t start, missing keys and when the blue hats\u00a0that you ordered for your meticulous client are mysteriously red.<\/p>\n

Children need to find their own ways to deal with life\u2019s bumps, and to pursue happiness and\u00a0satisfaction in life. It is a very personal journey. Pushing children to be happy and not letting\u00a0them be sad robs them of that opportunity. Feeling and managing the rough spots are lessons\u00a0within themselves. Lessons we do not want our children to miss.<\/p>\n

References:
\nFaber, A., Mazlish, E. (1999). How To Talk So Kids Will Listen. NY: Harper Collins.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

It is finally Rosh Chodesh Adar, Mishenichnas Adar Marbim Bsimcha. It is definitely a time for\u00a0us to focus on happiness and what that really means for our family and our kids. When I was little girl I was a pretty happy kid. I didn\u2019t get upset too often but when I did I wanted\u00a0to be<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":720,"featured_media":39082,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[5],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-39079","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-parenting"],"yoast_head":"\nRaising Happy Kids: Let Them Be Sad - OU Life<\/title>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/www.ou.org\/life\/parenting\/raising-happy-kids-let-sad\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"Raising Happy Kids: Let Them Be Sad - OU Life\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"It is finally Rosh Chodesh Adar, Mishenichnas Adar Marbim Bsimcha. 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