![\"parentingfi\"](\"https:\/\/www.ou.org\/life\/files\/parentingfi1-300x168.png\")
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My husband and I, way back when, were told in our premarital counseling session that when were in the\u00a0throes of a disagreement we should avoid starting our sentences with \u201cYou never\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYou never take out the garbage!\u201d<\/p>\n
We were told that \u201cYou never\u2026\u201d sounds like an accusation and puts people on the defensive. This can\u00a0take a simple disagreement or even a discussion and make it into a fight.<\/p>\n
It also is not true. It might be that your spouse forgets to take out the garbage often, but not \u201cnever.\u201d<\/p>\n
Finally, our premarital counselor said that to fight fair you should talk about the here and now and not\u00a0dredge up old slights.<\/p>\n
Don\u2019t talk about all the times your spouse forgot to take out the garbage, talk only about this specific\u00a0time.<\/p>\n
I know that I might be careful with the way I talk to my spouse, but I wasn\u2019t as careful with my kids. If my\u00a0kids didn\u2019t get into the car when I asked them to I would say:<\/p>\n
\u201cYou never listen to me.\u201d<\/p>\n
If they were disrespectful I would say:<\/p>\n
\u201cYou never respect me.\u201d<\/p>\n
If they wouldn\u2019t clean up their toys I would say:<\/p>\n
\u201cYou never do what I ask you do.\u201d<\/p>\n
And the fight would be on. Kids find this accusatory language to be annoying and unfair. They would\u00a0become defensive and start countering with:<\/p>\n
\u201cWhy should I listen to you?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYou\u2019re not the boss of me!\u201d<\/p>\n
I finally realized what I was doing and I thought, \u201cIs it really true\u2026Do they really never listen to me? Do\u00a0they never show me respect? Are they really always non-compliant?\u201d<\/p>\n
I realized also that I was sending them a very negative message about themselves. I was telling them\u00a0that they were not good listeners, they were disrespectful and non-compliant. I knew that the more\u00a0times I pointed out that my kids were not listening or being disrespectful or non-compliant, the more\u00a0likely they would perpetuate that behavior.<\/p>\n
Instead, I started to omit the \u201cnever\u201d from my vocabulary when talking to my kids. I also would just talk\u00a0about the specific offense that was bothering me right then. I also started being more positive and tried\u00a0to show them that I had faith that they could improve their behavior:<\/p>\n
\u201cI need you to put down your Legos and come to the car. You can listen to my directions. Yesterday you\u00a0came right when I called you.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI know you can speak respectfully to me. You know how to change your tone to make it more\u00a0respectful.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThe toys need to be put away. I know that you can do what needs to be done.\u201d<\/p>\n
I like this way much better. I think I will never use never ever again.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
My husband and I, way back when, were told in our premarital counseling session that when were in the\u00a0throes of a disagreement we should avoid starting our sentences with \u201cYou never\u2026\u201d \u201cYou never take out the garbage!\u201d We were told that \u201cYou never\u2026\u201d sounds like an accusation and puts people on the defensive. This can\u00a0take<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":720,"featured_media":38994,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[5],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-38993","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-parenting"],"yoast_head":"\n