{"id":38715,"date":"2014-12-31T12:24:50","date_gmt":"2014-12-31T17:24:50","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.ou.org\/life\/?p=38715"},"modified":"2014-12-31T15:34:49","modified_gmt":"2014-12-31T20:34:49","slug":"older-sister-blues","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.ou.org\/life\/parenting\/older-sister-blues\/","title":{"rendered":"The Older Sister Blues"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"sisterfi\"<\/p>\n

A recent letter I received:<\/strong><\/p>\n

I have two daughters very close in age, about a year a part. \u00a0The younger\u00a0one, Sara, adores her older sister and copies everything she does\u2014her\u00a0hair, her clothing, what she reads, etc. She loves to play with her and her\u00a0friends. Rachel, the older one, wants nothing to do Sara. She ignores her\u00a0when she is with her friends, calls her names and is just plain mean. Sara\u00a0gets so hurt but still thinks the world of Rachel.<\/strong><\/p>\n

This breaks my heart. I have told Rachel over and over to \u201cJust be nice to\u00a0Sara!\u201d to no avail. Then she gets mad at me.<\/strong><\/p>\n

What can I do to help Rachel be nicer to Sara?<\/strong><\/p>\n

Sibling rivalry is tough to watch and tough to manage. There are many\u00a0things that you can do to help kids get along, but you will never fully get rid\u00a0of sibling rivalry. It is a normal and natural part of family life.<\/p>\n

In this particular sibling drama try to understand that the \u201cmean\u201d child is\u00a0not acting this way because she is actually a bad person. It is tough to\u00a0handle the adoration of a younger sibling, especially when that sibling\u00a0copies everything you do. \u00a0To get a clearer picture of this situation \u2014\u00a0try to\u00a0put yourself in Rachel\u2019s shoes.<\/p>\n

Let\u2019s say you had a neighbor, Sima. \u00a0She seems like a nice person and you\u00a0strike up a friendship with her. Then you notice that she is wearing the\u00a0same shoes that you had just bought and went to your hairdresser and got\u00a0the same hairstyle as you. Whenever your friends come over to your house,\u00a0she shows up and tries to command the conversation.<\/p>\n

In some ways your neighbor\u2019s behavior can be flattering, she obviously likes\u00a0you and your sense of style. \u00a0It is more likely, though, that you would be\u00a0really annoyed with her. You would limit the time you spent with her. You\u00a0would leave her out and meet your friends at the local coffee shop instead\u00a0of your home.<\/p>\n

You probably wouldn\u2019t call her names to her face, but you certainly would\u00a0complain about her to your friends and your spouse.<\/p>\n

Rachel, the \u201cmean\u201d sister, feels the same way you do; she is dealing with an\u00a0\u201cadoring\u201d younger sister, similar to Sima your \u201cadoring\u201d neighbor. It might\u00a0be flattering, but mostly it\u2019s just plain annoying. Rachel looks like she is the\u00a0\u201cmean\u201d one, but she is just frustrated. It can be tiresome to be an object of\u00a0adoration and to have your every action copied by a younger sister.<\/p>\n

How is Rachel coping with all this? In the same way we would deal with\u00a0Sima the neighbor. Rachel avoids Sara as much as possible, talks badly\u00a0about her to her friends and to Sara\u2019s face (she is a sister not a neighbor\u00a0after all) and she doesn\u2019t let Sara play with her friends.<\/p>\n

To continue with the analogy, let\u2019s say Sima\u2019s husband comes to you and\u00a0tells you that Sima is very hurt by your behavior. He tells you that she just\u00a0thinks the world of you. He ends off by saying, \u201cCan\u2019t you just be nice to\u00a0her?\u201d<\/p>\n

Now, you would probably feel awful about yourself, but also even more\u00a0irritated with Sima and her husband. There is no relief in sight for you,\u00a0unless you move.<\/p>\n

When you tell Rachel how mean she is and say \u201cCan\u2019t you just be nice to\u00a0her?\u201d she\u00a0probably feels terrible about her behavior. \u00a0It\u2019s not fun to be the\u00a0\u201cmean\u201d one. But she also will be angry at you.<\/p>\n

She needs help sorting through her feelings, not criticism. She also needs\u00a0some strategies to deal with this problem. The strategies she is\u00a0using\u2014calling Sara names, avoiding her, and not letting her play with her\u00a0friends\u2014are not working out well for her.<\/p>\n

Now\u00a0we understand both sides of the story. We can have as much\u00a0compassion for Rachel as we do for Sara. We have evened the playing field.\u00a0So now what can we do to help Rachel be nice to Sara? How can we help\u00a0her sort out her feelings and gain better strategies to deal with the\u00a0frustration of dealing with an \u201cadoring\u201d sister?<\/p>\n

What can we do to help Rachel and Sara get along?<\/p>\n

1. Name the feelings for Rachel:<\/strong><\/p>\n

As we mentioned, just gaining an understanding of Rachel\u2019s side of the\u00a0story allows us to have compassion for Rachel and acknowledge that she\u00a0really is not \u201cmean.\u201d<\/p>\n

You can then reflect Rachel\u2019s feelings back to her:<\/p>\n

\u201cIt can be frustrating to have Sara copy what you do.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYou wish Sara would let you hang out with your friends by yourself.\u201d<\/p>\n

Just having a mom who appreciates how she feels can reduce the tension\u00a0significantly. Rachel might even soften towards Sara, once she has someone\u00a0who understands her conflicted feelings.<\/p>\n

2. Find some other interests for Sara:\u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n

You can also let Sara know in a gentle way that it can be hard to be the\u00a0younger sibling:<\/p>\n

\u201cIt can be hard to make your own decision, when you look up to your sister.\u00a0You like to have Rachel\u2019s input, when deciding on your clothes, and how\u00a0you should spend your day.\u201d<\/p>\n

You can also let Sara know that sometimes it is tough for Rachel to have\u00a0someone look up to her always:<\/p>\n

\u201cSara, I think Rachel would like to do her own thing sometimes. Sometimes\u00a0it feels good to have someone look up to you, but sometimes you need a\u00a0break. Sometimes Rachel needs to play with her friends alone.\u201d<\/p>\n

Try to encourage Sara to make her own decisions when Rachel is not\u00a0around:<\/p>\n

\u201cSara, what do you think we should make for dinner, chicken or fish?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cSara, do you think I should wear this necklace or this pin with this outfit?\u00a0You can then praise her for it, (again, preferably when Rachel is not\u00a0around.)<\/p>\n

\u201cThanks for making the decisions about dinner. Chicken was a good choice,\u00a0everyone enjoyed it.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI got so many compliments on my outfit tonight- thanks for your advice!\u201d<\/p>\n

3. Notice when Rachel controls herself with Sara:<\/strong><\/p>\n

\u201cWhen Sara was talking to your friend, I saw you were annoyed, but instead\u00a0of saying anything to Sara, you just suggested to your friend that you would\u00a0study better at her house.\u201d<\/p>\n

You can also have Rachel hear something positive about her. You can tell\u00a0your spouse:<\/p>\n

\u201cIt has got to be hard for Rachel sometimes. Younger siblings can definitely\u00a0be tiresome. I remember that when I was a kid. Rachel can really be kind\u00a0and patient. She let Sara wear her sweater today.\u201d<\/p>\n

4. Role Model:<\/strong><\/p>\n

It might also be helpful to role model how you act when someone copies\u00a0you:<\/p>\n

\u201cI was so irritated with Sima our neighbor; she bought the same shoes that\u00a0I did. But then I realized I probably should just be flattered that she liked\u00a0them so much, she went out to get it.\u201d<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

A recent letter I received: I have two daughters very close in age, about a year a part. \u00a0The younger\u00a0one, Sara, adores her older sister and copies everything she does\u2014her\u00a0hair, her clothing, what she reads, etc. She loves to play with her and her\u00a0friends. Rachel, the older one, wants nothing to do Sara. She ignores<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":720,"featured_media":38720,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"_cloudinary_featured_overwrite":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[5],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-38715","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-parenting"],"yoast_head":"\nThe Older Sister Blues - OU Life<\/title>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/www.ou.org\/life\/parenting\/older-sister-blues\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"The Older Sister Blues - OU Life\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"A recent letter I received: I have two daughters very close in age, about a year a part. \u00a0The younger\u00a0one, Sara, adores her older sister and copies everything she does\u2014her\u00a0hair, her clothing, what she reads, etc. She loves to play with her and her\u00a0friends. Rachel, the older one, wants nothing to do Sara. She ignores\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:url\" content=\"https:\/\/www.ou.org\/life\/parenting\/older-sister-blues\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:site_name\" content=\"OU Life\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:published_time\" content=\"2014-12-31T17:24:50+00:00\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:modified_time\" content=\"2014-12-31T20:34:49+00:00\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:image\" content=\"https:\/\/www.ou.org\/life\/files\/sisterfi.png\" \/>\n\t<meta property=\"og:image:width\" content=\"675\" \/>\n\t<meta property=\"og:image:height\" content=\"375\" \/>\n\t<meta property=\"og:image:type\" content=\"image\/png\" \/>\n<meta name=\"author\" content=\"Adina Soclof\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:card\" content=\"summary_large_image\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:label1\" content=\"Written by\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:data1\" content=\"Adina Soclof\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:label2\" content=\"Est. reading time\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:data2\" content=\"6 minutes\" \/>\n<script type=\"application\/ld+json\" class=\"yoast-schema-graph\">{\"@context\":\"https:\/\/schema.org\",\"@graph\":[{\"@type\":\"WebPage\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.ou.org\/life\/parenting\/older-sister-blues\/\",\"url\":\"https:\/\/www.ou.org\/life\/parenting\/older-sister-blues\/\",\"name\":\"The Older Sister Blues - OU Life\",\"isPartOf\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.ou.org\/life\/#website\"},\"primaryImageOfPage\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.ou.org\/life\/parenting\/older-sister-blues\/#primaryimage\"},\"image\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.ou.org\/life\/parenting\/older-sister-blues\/#primaryimage\"},\"thumbnailUrl\":\"https:\/\/www.ou.org\/life\/files\/sisterfi.png\",\"datePublished\":\"2014-12-31T17:24:50+00:00\",\"dateModified\":\"2014-12-31T20:34:49+00:00\",\"author\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.ou.org\/life\/#\/schema\/person\/e1d662e1b99b4cb9d5268c1a8111a03a\"},\"inLanguage\":\"en-US\",\"potentialAction\":[{\"@type\":\"ReadAction\",\"target\":[\"https:\/\/www.ou.org\/life\/parenting\/older-sister-blues\/\"]}]},{\"@type\":\"ImageObject\",\"inLanguage\":\"en-US\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.ou.org\/life\/parenting\/older-sister-blues\/#primaryimage\",\"url\":\"https:\/\/www.ou.org\/life\/files\/sisterfi.png\",\"contentUrl\":\"https:\/\/www.ou.org\/life\/files\/sisterfi.png\",\"width\":675,\"height\":375},{\"@type\":\"WebSite\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.ou.org\/life\/#website\",\"url\":\"https:\/\/www.ou.org\/life\/\",\"name\":\"OU Life\",\"description\":\"Everyday Jewish Living\",\"potentialAction\":[{\"@type\":\"SearchAction\",\"target\":{\"@type\":\"EntryPoint\",\"urlTemplate\":\"https:\/\/www.ou.org\/life\/?s={search_term_string}\"},\"query-input\":{\"@type\":\"PropertyValueSpecification\",\"valueRequired\":true,\"valueName\":\"search_term_string\"}}],\"inLanguage\":\"en-US\"},{\"@type\":\"Person\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.ou.org\/life\/#\/schema\/person\/e1d662e1b99b4cb9d5268c1a8111a03a\",\"name\":\"Adina Soclof\",\"image\":{\"@type\":\"ImageObject\",\"inLanguage\":\"en-US\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.ou.org\/life\/#\/schema\/person\/image\/\",\"url\":\"http:\/\/www.ou.org\/life\/files\/Adina-Soclof_avatar-96x96.png\",\"contentUrl\":\"http:\/\/www.ou.org\/life\/files\/Adina-Soclof_avatar-96x96.png\",\"caption\":\"Adina Soclof\"},\"description\":\"Adina Soclof, MS. CCC-SLP is a certified Speech Pathologist. She received her master's degree from Hunter College in New York in Communication Sciences. She works as a Parent Educator for Bellefaire Jewish Children's Bureau facilitating \\\"How to Talk so Kids will Listen and Listen so Kids will Talk\\\" workshops as well as workshops based on \u201cSiblings Without Rivalry.\u201d Adina developed TEAM Communication Ventures and conducts parenting, teacher and clinician workshops via telephone nationwide. Adina lives with her husband and four lively children in Cleveland, Ohio. You can visit her at website at www.parentingsimply.com.\",\"sameAs\":[\"http:\/\/parentingsimply.com\"],\"url\":\"https:\/\/www.ou.org\/life\/author\/adinasoclof-me\/\"}]}<\/script>\n<!-- \/ Yoast SEO plugin. -->","yoast_head_json":{"title":"The Older Sister Blues - OU Life","robots":{"index":"index","follow":"follow","max-snippet":"max-snippet:-1","max-image-preview":"max-image-preview:large","max-video-preview":"max-video-preview:-1"},"canonical":"https:\/\/www.ou.org\/life\/parenting\/older-sister-blues\/","og_locale":"en_US","og_type":"article","og_title":"The Older Sister Blues - OU Life","og_description":"A recent letter I received: I have two daughters very close in age, about a year a part. \u00a0The younger\u00a0one, Sara, adores her older sister and copies everything she does\u2014her\u00a0hair, her clothing, what she reads, etc. She loves to play with her and her\u00a0friends. Rachel, the older one, wants nothing to do Sara. She ignores","og_url":"https:\/\/www.ou.org\/life\/parenting\/older-sister-blues\/","og_site_name":"OU Life","article_published_time":"2014-12-31T17:24:50+00:00","article_modified_time":"2014-12-31T20:34:49+00:00","og_image":[{"width":675,"height":375,"url":"https:\/\/www.ou.org\/life\/files\/sisterfi.png","type":"image\/png"}],"author":"Adina Soclof","twitter_card":"summary_large_image","twitter_misc":{"Written by":"Adina Soclof","Est. reading time":"6 minutes"},"schema":{"@context":"https:\/\/schema.org","@graph":[{"@type":"WebPage","@id":"https:\/\/www.ou.org\/life\/parenting\/older-sister-blues\/","url":"https:\/\/www.ou.org\/life\/parenting\/older-sister-blues\/","name":"The Older Sister Blues - OU Life","isPartOf":{"@id":"https:\/\/www.ou.org\/life\/#website"},"primaryImageOfPage":{"@id":"https:\/\/www.ou.org\/life\/parenting\/older-sister-blues\/#primaryimage"},"image":{"@id":"https:\/\/www.ou.org\/life\/parenting\/older-sister-blues\/#primaryimage"},"thumbnailUrl":"https:\/\/www.ou.org\/life\/files\/sisterfi.png","datePublished":"2014-12-31T17:24:50+00:00","dateModified":"2014-12-31T20:34:49+00:00","author":{"@id":"https:\/\/www.ou.org\/life\/#\/schema\/person\/e1d662e1b99b4cb9d5268c1a8111a03a"},"inLanguage":"en-US","potentialAction":[{"@type":"ReadAction","target":["https:\/\/www.ou.org\/life\/parenting\/older-sister-blues\/"]}]},{"@type":"ImageObject","inLanguage":"en-US","@id":"https:\/\/www.ou.org\/life\/parenting\/older-sister-blues\/#primaryimage","url":"https:\/\/www.ou.org\/life\/files\/sisterfi.png","contentUrl":"https:\/\/www.ou.org\/life\/files\/sisterfi.png","width":675,"height":375},{"@type":"WebSite","@id":"https:\/\/www.ou.org\/life\/#website","url":"https:\/\/www.ou.org\/life\/","name":"OU Life","description":"Everyday Jewish Living","potentialAction":[{"@type":"SearchAction","target":{"@type":"EntryPoint","urlTemplate":"https:\/\/www.ou.org\/life\/?s={search_term_string}"},"query-input":{"@type":"PropertyValueSpecification","valueRequired":true,"valueName":"search_term_string"}}],"inLanguage":"en-US"},{"@type":"Person","@id":"https:\/\/www.ou.org\/life\/#\/schema\/person\/e1d662e1b99b4cb9d5268c1a8111a03a","name":"Adina Soclof","image":{"@type":"ImageObject","inLanguage":"en-US","@id":"https:\/\/www.ou.org\/life\/#\/schema\/person\/image\/","url":"http:\/\/www.ou.org\/life\/files\/Adina-Soclof_avatar-96x96.png","contentUrl":"http:\/\/www.ou.org\/life\/files\/Adina-Soclof_avatar-96x96.png","caption":"Adina Soclof"},"description":"Adina Soclof, MS. CCC-SLP is a certified Speech Pathologist. She received her master's degree from Hunter College in New York in Communication Sciences. She works as a Parent Educator for Bellefaire Jewish Children's Bureau facilitating \"How to Talk so Kids will Listen and Listen so Kids will Talk\" workshops as well as workshops based on \u201cSiblings Without Rivalry.\u201d Adina developed TEAM Communication Ventures and conducts parenting, teacher and clinician workshops via telephone nationwide. Adina lives with her husband and four lively children in Cleveland, Ohio. You can visit her at website at www.parentingsimply.com.","sameAs":["http:\/\/parentingsimply.com"],"url":"https:\/\/www.ou.org\/life\/author\/adinasoclof-me\/"}]}},"acf":[],"brizy_media":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.ou.org\/life\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/38715","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.ou.org\/life\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.ou.org\/life\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.ou.org\/life\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/720"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.ou.org\/life\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=38715"}],"version-history":[{"count":2,"href":"https:\/\/www.ou.org\/life\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/38715\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":38740,"href":"https:\/\/www.ou.org\/life\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/38715\/revisions\/38740"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.ou.org\/life\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/38720"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.ou.org\/life\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=38715"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.ou.org\/life\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=38715"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.ou.org\/life\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=38715"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}