{"id":34677,"date":"2014-02-03T22:15:51","date_gmt":"2014-02-03T22:15:51","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.ou.org\/life\/?p=34677"},"modified":"2014-02-03T22:16:15","modified_gmt":"2014-02-03T22:16:15","slug":"tenets-faith-children-must-choose","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.ou.org\/life\/parenting\/tenets-faith-children-must-choose\/","title":{"rendered":"The Tenets Of Our Faith Or Our Children Must We Choose?"},"content":{"rendered":"

In my previous essay<\/a>, I wrote about the shanda <\/i>of families turning away from their children when they became OTD children,\u00a0Off the Derech<\/em>.\u00a0 While acknowledging how hurtful and confusing it is to have children who leave the path, I wrote that the only way for them to find a way back <\/i>to the path is through parental love and understanding.<\/p>\n

Easy to write.\u00a0 Very difficult to employ in our lives.\u00a0 Even parents who love their children as only parents can, found themselves incapable of seeing <\/i>their children with the same eyes of love as they had previously seen their children.\u00a0 In a very real sense, they had ceased to be as children and were more like strangers.\u00a0 And, as we know, despite precepts to the contrary, it is easier to despise the stranger than someone dear.<\/p>\n

The reactions to my essay and position occupied the full emotional spectrum.\u00a0 Some parents could simply not conceive of allowing an OTD child to remain in their home.\u00a0 \u201cHow?\u00a0 How?\u201d they wanted to know.\u00a0 \u201cHow do I allow such a son, eating McDonald\u2019s treif<\/i>!\u00a0 How can I allow such a son to stay in my home?\u201d\u00a0 Others worried about the \u201cinfectious\u201d potential of such a child.\u00a0 \u201cWhat about the impact on my other children?\u201d\u00a0 And still others simply could not find it within themselves to see their OTD child as their <\/i>child.\u00a0 \u201cYou expect me to love this\u2026 this… this creature?\u00a0 Once, he was my son.\u00a0 No more.\u00a0 I hate him.\u201d<\/p>\n

Some parents dismissed the exhortation to love the OTD child as nothing more than \u201cpop psychology\u201d itself evidence of the forces in the world that drew their children off the path.\u00a0 The level of anger and vitriol that met my essay was astonishing and, I think, suggests the power of the position I shared.\"hands\"<\/a><\/p>\n

It is easy to blame.\u00a0 It is easy to paint the world in simple black and white.\u00a0 \u201cI\u2019m right.\u00a0 She\u2019s wrong.\u201d\u00a0 Of course <\/i>it is \u201cwrong\u201d to be OTD.\u00a0 Doesn\u2019t the fact that we refer to these children as Off the Derech say as much?\u00a0 The pressing issue, perhaps even greater than why <\/i>they became OTD is, How do we get them back on <\/i>the derech?\u00a0 How do we salvage these beautiful children so they are not in greater danger and their lives are not thrown away?<\/p>\n

I understand the pain, frustration and anger of the parents, even the small minority of parents whose feelings become so self-destructive and all-consuming that they would rather say Kaddish <\/i>for their child.\u00a0 I understand.\u00a0 But I do not agree.<\/p>\n

Rabbi Moshe Grylak used three of his insightful Mishpacha <\/i>\u201cPoint of View\u201d columns to try and understand how frum <\/i>parents could ever allow daughters to end up on streets, either after they\u2019d run away or by being thrown out of homes.\u00a0 Where, on the cold and dangerous streets, can they find sanctuary?\u00a0 Abandoned to such a world, how will they find their way back?\u00a0 He noted that there are tzadikim <\/i>out there.\u00a0 Few, but some.\u00a0 There is Rabbi Yair Nahari who established Beit<\/i> Naomi to give these lost girls shelter. \u00a0To provide safety, love and purpose for them. \u00a0But Rabbi Grylak was not interested in the tzadik <\/i>to praise him, but to learn from him.\u00a0 \u201cHow could all this even happen?\u201d he wanted to know.\u00a0 How could parents, regardless of the bad blood and resentment between them and their daughter, be indifferent to the horrors facing their daughter wandering the streets alone and unprotected, with nothing to eat, no place to sleep and such easy prey to all sorts of evil?<\/p>\n

Rav Nahari who, chas v\u2019chalilah<\/i>, would never dream of judging such parents, noted that the situation becomes so horrible that they feel they simply cannot live under the same roof as their daughter.\u00a0 \u201cThey feel such terrible shame,\u201d he explained.\u00a0 \u201cThey have suffered because of their daughter.\u201d \u00a0They feel betrayed and humiliated \u2013 personally and publicly.\u00a0 They hear <\/i>the whispers of others.\u00a0 They feel <\/i>the judgment.\u00a0 They are being blamed\u2026<\/p>\n

\u201cA person betrayed is capable of anything<\/b>,\u201d Rav Nahari noted.\u00a0 \u201cAll he feels is the wrong done to him, not the humanity of the person who has wronged him.\u201d<\/p>\n

Rabbi Grylak told Rabbi Nahari of what he recently heard about Rav Shteinman. A number of important rabbanim <\/i>came to protest that he did not object to a Nahal Haredi army unit for young men who were already OTD and on the streets. \u201cRav Shteinman asked one of these rabbanim<\/i> if anyone had come to him yet to ask him to daven<\/i> that their son should die. \u00a0\u2018This week, 15 fathers came to me with this request regarding their sons who had gone completely off the derech.<\/i>\u2019 That\u2019s <\/i>how far shame and betrayal can go<\/b>!\u00a0 So that a parent tosses out his child like useless garbage!<\/p>\n

Rav Yosef Dov Soloveitchik z\u2019l<\/i> explains that Avraham was commanded to sacrifice Yitzchak only after his name was changed from Avram<\/i>.\u00a0 What is the significance of a mere hei <\/i>to the name?\u00a0 How does that <\/i>help us understand the Akeda<\/i>? <\/i>\u00a0In fact, the Rav taught, that hei <\/i>is the<\/span> lesson of the Akeida<\/i>.\u00a0 Prior to the name change, parenthood was a natural state. \u00a0The drive to reproduce is instinctual to all creatures, man, animal, even insect.\u00a0 Animals, like man, even care for and nurture their offspring.\u00a0 The addition of the hei <\/i>proclaimed to the world that there is now a new kind of father in the world \u2013 a teaching father, whose role and mission is not merely the physical well-being of his child but also its spiritual and psychological well-being.<\/p>\n

Torah considers children as God\u2019s greatest gift.\u00a0 \u00a0When given such a gift, there are certain expectations.\u00a0 The child does not belong to his or her family simply by sharing a family name, or because of the catered bris<\/i>, or a layette delivered with great fanfare from Bloomingdales.\u00a0 Yes, parents are given the child.\u00a0 But in loving and raising their child, they must \u201creacquire\u201d the child.<\/p>\n

Like Avraham, all parents have to show they are worthy of the gift.<\/p>\n

Hashem does not demand an Akeida <\/i>from each of us, but He surely demands that, first and foremost, we love our children without rationalization, reservation, or pre-condition.\u00a0 Our love cannot be conditional on our children being \u201chealthy\u201d or \u201cintelligent\u201d or frum <\/i>or on not being OTD.<\/p>\n

Being a biological \u201cparent\u201d is not enough.\u00a0 We must also be abba\u2019s <\/i>and ema\u2019s<\/i>.\u00a0 Daddies and mommies.\u00a0 We must be loving, caring, listening and attuned<\/i>.\u00a0 Avraham was commanded to take his son, his only son, the one he loved<\/i> to the mountain. There must be love, otherwise, he is not <\/b>your son!<\/p>\n

If you do not love your children, you can pretend to be frum <\/i>and ehrlich<\/i>, you may wear your \u00a0frume begadim <\/i>and ask the Gadol HaDor <\/i>Rav Shteinman to daven <\/i>\u201cthat your son should die.\u201d But then you <\/b>are the one OTD!<\/p>\n

Frustration, yes.\u00a0 Anguish, absolutely.\u00a0 Fear, undoubtedly.\u00a0 But, hate?\u00a0 Never!<\/p>\n

Does the parent of a child with Down Syndrome throw that child to the curbside?\u00a0 Does the parent whose child is sickened with cancer say, \u201cThis is not the child I wanted\u201d and turn his back on him?\u00a0 Don\u2019t you think those parents feel fear, and confusion, and helplessness as well?<\/p>\n

A child in need does not give you the right to abandon them.\u00a0 It only gives you the right to love him or her more<\/i>!<\/p>\n

Sarah Chana Radcliffe wrote a profoundly insightful \u201cReflections \u2013 Passing Judgment\u201d \u2013 column in which she crystalized this point.\u00a0 She asks, \u201cWhat about the man who \u2018dresses the part\u2019?\u201d\u00a0 The man who returns from shul <\/i>and poisons his household with anger, insults, and verbal abuse.\u00a0 All forbidden in the Torah.\u00a0 \u201cIf he pierces his children\u2019s hearts with his impulsive, harsh criticisms or threatens his wife with divorce in front of them when he is particularly frustrated, is he off the derech?\u201d<\/p>\n

What about the parents whose children never meet their \u201cstandards\u201d, who can never do enough around the house, who can never help enough?\u00a0 Or parents who \u201cknow it all\u201d and so do not need to listen?\u00a0 Especially when their teen is trying to speak of the abuse taking place right under the parents\u2019 roof only to be met with further verbal abuse because it \u201cjust can\u2019t be\u201d.<\/p>\n

Are these homes of Torah, mitzvoth, hidurim<\/i> and chumros<\/i>?\u00a0 Where is the Akeida in these homes? \u00a0As the tzadik <\/i>Rav Asher Freund zt\u2019l<\/i> frequently told me, Vos hoben mir fun das gantzen learnen<\/i>? What is the result from all of this learning? Where is the love?\u00a0 If children cannot find love at home, they seek whatever approximates it elsewhere!<\/p>\n

When a broken-hearted father cried to the tzadik<\/i> Reb Yankel\u2019e of Pshevorsk zt\u2019l<\/i>, \u201cI\u2019m losing my son.\u00a0 It\u2019s hopeless!\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cDo you give him love?\u201d Reb Yankele asked.<\/p>\n

\u201cDo you give him money?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cMore than I can afford.\u00a0 And how does he repay me, He brings a shikse <\/i>home last Shabbos!\u00a0 What can I do?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cGive him more love and more money,\u201d the tzadik <\/i>advised.<\/p>\n

After a time, the father returned and reported to Reb Yankele z\u2019l<\/i>, that when his son returned, he told his father, \u201cAll I was looking for was my father\u2019s love.\u201d<\/p>\n

We all want the best for our children \u2013 and we want our children to \u201cbe the best\u201d for all sorts of reasons, good, bad and indifferent.\u00a0 But we must love the child God has given us.\u00a0 You must be able to see the child before you and understand why <\/i>they are behaving as they are; you must be able to see the piercing ache in their souls.\u00a0 They need you to understand.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

* * *<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Rabbi Mordechai Kaminetzky recently shared a powerful story in his Ami <\/i>column. Rav Aryeh Levin zt\u2019l <\/i>was standing outside his yeshiva, watching as the students were on a short break. His son, Rav Chaim, a teacher in the yeshiva, was standing next to him.\u00a0 The father turned to the son and asked, \u201cWhat do you see, my son?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cChildren playing,\u201d the son answered.<\/p>\n

\u201cTell me about them.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWell,\u201d the son responded, \u201cDovid is standing near the door of the school with his hands in his pockets; he is probably no athlete. Moishe is playing wildly; he is probably undisciplined. Yankel is running around in a strange manner; I guess he is not coordinated. But all in all they are just a bunch of children playing.\u201d<\/p>\n

Rav Aryeh sighed, \u201cNo, my son. \u00a0You don\u2019t know how to watch the children. Dovid is near the door with his hands in his pocket because he has no sweater. His parents can\u2019t afford winter clothes for him. Moishe is wild because his rebbe yelled at him and he is frustrated. And Yankel is running strangely because his shoe soles are ripped and his parents can\u2019t afford to fix them.<\/p>\n

\u201cIn order to be a rebbe, you must pay attention, know each boy\u2019s needs and make sure to fulfill them.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

* * *<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

To be a parent is to be a very special rebbe.\u00a0 You must know each of your child\u2019s needs and be sure to fulfill them, the greatest need being to be loved.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Resources for Parents<\/b><\/i><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/i><\/p>\n

Rabbi Moshe Bak (Innocent Heart) (888) 506 7162<\/p>\n

Avi Fishoff (TwistedParenting@gmail.com<\/a>)<\/p>\n

Mrs. Ruchama Clapman (Mask) 718 758 0400<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

These people can connect you with others who can help you.<\/p>\n

If you have an OTD child, don\u2019t retreat into your hurt and confusion.\u00a0 Reach out to those who invest all the love, understanding and sensitivity humanely possible to enlighten hurting parents how to \u201cget their kids back.\u201d<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

In my previous essay, I wrote about the shanda of families turning away from their children when they became OTD children,\u00a0Off the Derech.\u00a0 While acknowledging how hurtful and confusing it is to have children who leave the path, I wrote that the only way for them to find a way back to the path is<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":363,"featured_media":34695,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"_cloudinary_featured_overwrite":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[5],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-34677","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-parenting"],"yoast_head":"\nThe Tenets Of Our Faith Or Our Children Must We Choose? - OU Life<\/title>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/www.ou.org\/life\/parenting\/tenets-faith-children-must-choose\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"The Tenets Of Our Faith Or Our Children Must We Choose? 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