{"id":34373,"date":"2014-01-07T19:07:14","date_gmt":"2014-01-07T19:07:14","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.ou.org\/life\/?p=34373"},"modified":"2014-01-12T08:11:17","modified_gmt":"2014-01-12T08:11:17","slug":"34373","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.ou.org\/life\/parenting\/34373\/","title":{"rendered":"How to Handle Defiance"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"girl<\/a>When my children become defiant, my initial reaction is to lash out at them and get really angry. \u201cHow dare they!\u201d I think, \u201cAfter all I do for them, this is the way they talk to me!\u201d My thoughts can go even further downhill, \u201cI will make them do as I say! I will show them who is boss!\u201d \u00a0I then find myself embroiled in conflict before I can even blink. Once I get going it can be hard to stop. The only thing that puts a halt on all the negativity is to think of why my child is being defiant and give myself a quick review of a child\u2019s mindset. The real key to managing your defiant child is to understand why he\/she is defiant in the first place.<\/p>\n

Reasons For Defiant Behavior:<\/strong><\/p>\n

I try to remind myself that every child\u00a0wants parental approval. It means everything to a child. When children act defiant, it may be because they are\u00a0independent minded so\u00a0following direct commands humiliates them. They may need a way to save face. They could be tired and annoyed or may have just come home from school and need some time to unwind. They may be testing your rules to see if you will give in. They might have spent the whole day having to following the demands of a tough teacher and need a break. A big cause for defiance in my house is if my kids feel that they have to do more than their siblings, whether or not this is actually true.<\/p>\n

Be Positive Instead of Angry:<\/strong><\/p>\n

Once you have an understanding of why your child shows defiance, you can react to their defiance with compassion instead of anger. You might initially feel mad but try to ignore that gut reaction and move into more positive thinking. Instead of saying to yourself, \u201cHow dare they!\u201d try instead \u201cSomething must be really bothering them to be speaking to me in this way. Something is going on inside their brain that is making them act defiant.\u201d This helps keep the frustration at bay and will help you focus on more effective ways to respond to your child.<\/p>\n

Use Empathy, Choices and Solutions:<\/strong><\/p>\n

The best way to respond to a defiant child is with empathy. You can reflect their feelings back to them. This helps both you and your child to remain calm. You can then present to your child some choices, allowing them to feel a sense of control. Lastly, you can invite your child to come up with some solutions on how you can manage future interactions.<\/p>\n

Here is an example of how this can work:<\/p>\n

Mom: Eli, time to sweep the floor!<\/p>\n

Eli: No! I don’t want to! You can\u2019t make me!<\/p>\n

Instead of saying:<\/p>\n

Don’t talk to me that way!<\/p>\n

You will listen to what I say right now!<\/p>\n

Try giving choices:<\/p>\n

\u201cIt sounds like you really are not in the mood to sweep the floor. You can choose another job, like wiping the table or loading the dishwasher.\u201d<\/p>\n

Invite your child to come up with solutions:<\/p>\n

\u201cLet\u2019s see if we can come up with a plan to make your jobs easier for you. What do you think would work?\u201d<\/p>\n

At a later date, when you both are calm you do want to address his defiance:<\/p>\n

\u201cEli, remember when I asked you to sweep the floor and you said, \u2018No! I don’t want to! You can\u2019t make me!\u2019 That was disrespectful. You may not talk to me that way. You need to say, \u2018Mommy, I don’t like to sweep, can I do another job?\u2019 or \u2018 Mommy, can I have a break now and do my job a little later?\u201d<\/p>\n

Stopping yourself from responding angrily when your child is defiant takes a lot of \u00a0hard \u00a0internal work but it is worth it. Delivering empathy is the secret to stopping arguments. Presenting choices and inviting children to come up with solutions gives kids the tools they need so that they do not feel like they have to be defiant in order for their emotions to be heard and their needs to be met. Giving children the respectful words to substitute their disrespectful ones allows them to truly learn Kibbud Av Veem. \u00a0This is the best way for parents to turn their child\u2019s defiance into cooperation.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

When my children become defiant, my initial reaction is to lash out at them and get really angry. \u201cHow dare they!\u201d I think, \u201cAfter all I do for them, this is the way they talk to me!\u201d My thoughts can go even further downhill, \u201cI will make them do as I say! I will show<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":720,"featured_media":34442,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"_cloudinary_featured_overwrite":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[5],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-34373","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-parenting"],"yoast_head":"\nHow to Handle Defiance - OU Life<\/title>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/www.ou.org\/life\/parenting\/34373\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"How to Handle Defiance - OU Life\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"When my children become defiant, my initial reaction is to lash out at them and get really angry. \u201cHow dare they!\u201d I think, \u201cAfter all I do for them, this is the way they talk to me!\u201d My thoughts can go even further downhill, \u201cI will make them do as I say! I will show\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:url\" content=\"https:\/\/www.ou.org\/life\/parenting\/34373\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:site_name\" content=\"OU Life\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:published_time\" content=\"2014-01-07T19:07:14+00:00\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:modified_time\" content=\"2014-01-12T08:11:17+00:00\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:image\" content=\"https:\/\/www.ou.org\/life\/files\/life.jpg\" \/>\n\t<meta property=\"og:image:width\" content=\"200\" \/>\n\t<meta property=\"og:image:height\" content=\"113\" \/>\n\t<meta property=\"og:image:type\" content=\"image\/jpeg\" \/>\n<meta name=\"author\" content=\"Adina Soclof\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:card\" content=\"summary_large_image\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:label1\" content=\"Written by\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:data1\" content=\"Adina Soclof\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:label2\" content=\"Est. reading time\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:data2\" content=\"4 minutes\" \/>\n<script type=\"application\/ld+json\" class=\"yoast-schema-graph\">{\"@context\":\"https:\/\/schema.org\",\"@graph\":[{\"@type\":\"WebPage\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.ou.org\/life\/parenting\/34373\/\",\"url\":\"https:\/\/www.ou.org\/life\/parenting\/34373\/\",\"name\":\"How to Handle Defiance - OU Life\",\"isPartOf\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.ou.org\/life\/#website\"},\"primaryImageOfPage\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.ou.org\/life\/parenting\/34373\/#primaryimage\"},\"image\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.ou.org\/life\/parenting\/34373\/#primaryimage\"},\"thumbnailUrl\":\"https:\/\/www.ou.org\/life\/files\/life.jpg\",\"datePublished\":\"2014-01-07T19:07:14+00:00\",\"dateModified\":\"2014-01-12T08:11:17+00:00\",\"author\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.ou.org\/life\/#\/schema\/person\/e1d662e1b99b4cb9d5268c1a8111a03a\"},\"inLanguage\":\"en-US\",\"potentialAction\":[{\"@type\":\"ReadAction\",\"target\":[\"https:\/\/www.ou.org\/life\/parenting\/34373\/\"]}]},{\"@type\":\"ImageObject\",\"inLanguage\":\"en-US\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.ou.org\/life\/parenting\/34373\/#primaryimage\",\"url\":\"https:\/\/www.ou.org\/life\/files\/life.jpg\",\"contentUrl\":\"https:\/\/www.ou.org\/life\/files\/life.jpg\",\"width\":200,\"height\":113},{\"@type\":\"WebSite\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.ou.org\/life\/#website\",\"url\":\"https:\/\/www.ou.org\/life\/\",\"name\":\"OU Life\",\"description\":\"Everyday Jewish Living\",\"potentialAction\":[{\"@type\":\"SearchAction\",\"target\":{\"@type\":\"EntryPoint\",\"urlTemplate\":\"https:\/\/www.ou.org\/life\/?s={search_term_string}\"},\"query-input\":{\"@type\":\"PropertyValueSpecification\",\"valueRequired\":true,\"valueName\":\"search_term_string\"}}],\"inLanguage\":\"en-US\"},{\"@type\":\"Person\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.ou.org\/life\/#\/schema\/person\/e1d662e1b99b4cb9d5268c1a8111a03a\",\"name\":\"Adina Soclof\",\"image\":{\"@type\":\"ImageObject\",\"inLanguage\":\"en-US\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.ou.org\/life\/#\/schema\/person\/image\/\",\"url\":\"http:\/\/www.ou.org\/life\/files\/Adina-Soclof_avatar-96x96.png\",\"contentUrl\":\"http:\/\/www.ou.org\/life\/files\/Adina-Soclof_avatar-96x96.png\",\"caption\":\"Adina Soclof\"},\"description\":\"Adina Soclof, MS. CCC-SLP is a certified Speech Pathologist. She received her master's degree from Hunter College in New York in Communication Sciences. She works as a Parent Educator for Bellefaire Jewish Children's Bureau facilitating \\\"How to Talk so Kids will Listen and Listen so Kids will Talk\\\" workshops as well as workshops based on \u201cSiblings Without Rivalry.\u201d Adina developed TEAM Communication Ventures and conducts parenting, teacher and clinician workshops via telephone nationwide. Adina lives with her husband and four lively children in Cleveland, Ohio. You can visit her at website at www.parentingsimply.com.\",\"sameAs\":[\"http:\/\/parentingsimply.com\"],\"url\":\"https:\/\/www.ou.org\/life\/author\/adinasoclof-me\/\"}]}<\/script>\n<!-- \/ Yoast SEO plugin. -->","yoast_head_json":{"title":"How to Handle Defiance - OU Life","robots":{"index":"index","follow":"follow","max-snippet":"max-snippet:-1","max-image-preview":"max-image-preview:large","max-video-preview":"max-video-preview:-1"},"canonical":"https:\/\/www.ou.org\/life\/parenting\/34373\/","og_locale":"en_US","og_type":"article","og_title":"How to Handle Defiance - OU Life","og_description":"When my children become defiant, my initial reaction is to lash out at them and get really angry. \u201cHow dare they!\u201d I think, \u201cAfter all I do for them, this is the way they talk to me!\u201d My thoughts can go even further downhill, \u201cI will make them do as I say! I will show","og_url":"https:\/\/www.ou.org\/life\/parenting\/34373\/","og_site_name":"OU Life","article_published_time":"2014-01-07T19:07:14+00:00","article_modified_time":"2014-01-12T08:11:17+00:00","og_image":[{"width":200,"height":113,"url":"https:\/\/www.ou.org\/life\/files\/life.jpg","type":"image\/jpeg"}],"author":"Adina Soclof","twitter_card":"summary_large_image","twitter_misc":{"Written by":"Adina Soclof","Est. reading time":"4 minutes"},"schema":{"@context":"https:\/\/schema.org","@graph":[{"@type":"WebPage","@id":"https:\/\/www.ou.org\/life\/parenting\/34373\/","url":"https:\/\/www.ou.org\/life\/parenting\/34373\/","name":"How to Handle Defiance - OU Life","isPartOf":{"@id":"https:\/\/www.ou.org\/life\/#website"},"primaryImageOfPage":{"@id":"https:\/\/www.ou.org\/life\/parenting\/34373\/#primaryimage"},"image":{"@id":"https:\/\/www.ou.org\/life\/parenting\/34373\/#primaryimage"},"thumbnailUrl":"https:\/\/www.ou.org\/life\/files\/life.jpg","datePublished":"2014-01-07T19:07:14+00:00","dateModified":"2014-01-12T08:11:17+00:00","author":{"@id":"https:\/\/www.ou.org\/life\/#\/schema\/person\/e1d662e1b99b4cb9d5268c1a8111a03a"},"inLanguage":"en-US","potentialAction":[{"@type":"ReadAction","target":["https:\/\/www.ou.org\/life\/parenting\/34373\/"]}]},{"@type":"ImageObject","inLanguage":"en-US","@id":"https:\/\/www.ou.org\/life\/parenting\/34373\/#primaryimage","url":"https:\/\/www.ou.org\/life\/files\/life.jpg","contentUrl":"https:\/\/www.ou.org\/life\/files\/life.jpg","width":200,"height":113},{"@type":"WebSite","@id":"https:\/\/www.ou.org\/life\/#website","url":"https:\/\/www.ou.org\/life\/","name":"OU Life","description":"Everyday Jewish Living","potentialAction":[{"@type":"SearchAction","target":{"@type":"EntryPoint","urlTemplate":"https:\/\/www.ou.org\/life\/?s={search_term_string}"},"query-input":{"@type":"PropertyValueSpecification","valueRequired":true,"valueName":"search_term_string"}}],"inLanguage":"en-US"},{"@type":"Person","@id":"https:\/\/www.ou.org\/life\/#\/schema\/person\/e1d662e1b99b4cb9d5268c1a8111a03a","name":"Adina Soclof","image":{"@type":"ImageObject","inLanguage":"en-US","@id":"https:\/\/www.ou.org\/life\/#\/schema\/person\/image\/","url":"http:\/\/www.ou.org\/life\/files\/Adina-Soclof_avatar-96x96.png","contentUrl":"http:\/\/www.ou.org\/life\/files\/Adina-Soclof_avatar-96x96.png","caption":"Adina Soclof"},"description":"Adina Soclof, MS. CCC-SLP is a certified Speech Pathologist. She received her master's degree from Hunter College in New York in Communication Sciences. She works as a Parent Educator for Bellefaire Jewish Children's Bureau facilitating \"How to Talk so Kids will Listen and Listen so Kids will Talk\" workshops as well as workshops based on \u201cSiblings Without Rivalry.\u201d Adina developed TEAM Communication Ventures and conducts parenting, teacher and clinician workshops via telephone nationwide. Adina lives with her husband and four lively children in Cleveland, Ohio. You can visit her at website at www.parentingsimply.com.","sameAs":["http:\/\/parentingsimply.com"],"url":"https:\/\/www.ou.org\/life\/author\/adinasoclof-me\/"}]}},"acf":[],"brizy_media":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.ou.org\/life\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/34373","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.ou.org\/life\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.ou.org\/life\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.ou.org\/life\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/720"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.ou.org\/life\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=34373"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.ou.org\/life\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/34373\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.ou.org\/life\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/34442"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.ou.org\/life\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=34373"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.ou.org\/life\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=34373"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.ou.org\/life\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=34373"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}