We Jews wandered the four corners of the earth for so many centuries, never having a home where we could feel completely safe.\u00a0 Our experience from Egypt to the galut <\/i>taught us to respect the dignity of the stranger and to reach out to the needy.\u00a0\u00a0 When we were vulnerable, the voices of our sages cried for the downtrodden and the lonely.\u00a0 When \u201cnot fitting in\u201d was intrinsic to our experience and our being, our teachers taught us to care about others who felt the same way.\u00a0 But now?\u00a0 Now, when Jerusalem is ours?\u00a0 Now, when Orthodox Judaism has never been in a stronger position?\u00a0 Now, when in America there are communities where observant Jews can choose between three or four full-sized kosher supermarkets where they can choose from among tens of thousands of kosher products; communities dotted with shtiebels <\/i>and shuls <\/i>and beautiful synagogues; communities with tens of day schools and yeshivas to educate our youngsters, where public school districts provide busses to take our students to the day school and yeshiva of their parents\u2019 choosing?<\/p>\n
We are blessed to be living at such a time, at a time when politicians are genuinely and fervently concerned with \u201cJewish issues.\u201d\u00a0 At the local and national levels, policy makers are truly supportive of the needs of the Jewish community and of Israel.<\/p>\n
We are indeed blessed.<\/p>\n
And yet\u2026 and yet with all these blessings so many of the leaders of our schools and our communities seemingly act cold and hard, rather than with openness and understanding.\u00a0 The irony is damning.\u00a0 No place has this been more apparent than in the way that yeshivot<\/i> treat and \u201cmanage\u201d their so-called \u201cdifficult\u201d students, those students whose needs and behaviors often cry out for attention.<\/p>\n
The \u201criches\u201d of having more students than they can fit in their classrooms has made them greedy and more than willing to simply \u201cweed out\u201d any student who does not hew perfectly to strict and rigid rules.\u00a0 After all, what could be easier than to simply remove a student who, for whatever reason, needs or demands more time or attention, and replace him or her with some other student who will be more compliant, better-behaved?\u00a0 With a metzuyan<\/i>!<\/p>\n
Easier?\u00a0 Perhaps.\u00a0 But right?<\/p>\n
Rav Ovadya Yosef ZT\u2019L, the highly respected Gaon and leader of Sefardic Jewry, asked, \u201cWhom are you throwing out? A rock?\u00a0 Some accumulated trash?\u201d\u00a0 He was not blind to the challenge of teaching so-called \u201cdifficult\u201d students.\u00a0 But when he confronted a rowdy, disruptive or uncooperative student in a class, he did not view the student as \u201cthe enemy\u201d but rather as the unique being God intended.\u00a0 He embraced the uniqueness of each of his students.\u00a0 What an upside-down world we have created when Rav Ovadya\u2019s approach strikes us as refreshing and encouraging\u2026 instead of the norm!\u00a0 Instead of the way our experience as Jews has taught us to be!<\/p>\n
In making this point, I do not mean to minimize the importance of rules and decorum.\u00a0 I do not mean to minimize the challenge of the \u201cdifficult\u201d student nor do I mean to suggest that it is never <\/i>appropriate to remove a student from a particular learning situation.\u00a0 There are always extenuating circumstances when an individual student cannot remain in a school \u2013 for his sake and the sake of his classmates. However, even when it is determined that a young person must be removed from a school, that decision should never be made lightly, or judgmentally.\u00a0 It should be made in consultation with experts including Gedolim<\/i>, school psychologists, social workers and certainly the parents.\u00a0 And then, if the consensus is that it be best for him\/her not to remain in this particular school, only half the job is done. The other half is, where does he\/she go now? What is the alternative\u2026 remember, no child, not yours or mine, is trash to be mindlessly thrown into a dumpster.<\/p>\n
That said, it is not the unique case that is the focus of my concern.\u00a0 My concern is with the approach<\/i> that too many of our school leaders take, which is that it is not only acceptable but preferable <\/i>to remove students (and sometimes their siblings!) simply because s\/he doesn\u2019t \u201cfit in\u201d.\u00a0 Such a posture is beyond unacceptable.\u00a0 It is reprehensible.<\/p>\n
An educator is not merely a conveyor of information, a conduit of transferring data.\u00a0 An educator must be concerned with the neshama <\/i>of his student. An educator cannot simply remove a student without finding an alternative for that student.<\/b> An educator must not be satisfied until that yiddishe neshama <\/i>that he refuses to handle, love, nourish and develop is registered in another school, one more caring and embracing.<\/p>\n
An educator must think not just about the student, but also about the student\u2019s family.\u00a0 Tossing aside a young soul with no more consideration than throwing out some garbage is cold and ugly, and not without additional consequences.<\/p>\n
I have heard from parents, frightened and overwhelmed, as their child\u2019s school and community essentially abandons their child and family.\u00a0 One mother called me, reduced to tears.\u00a0 \u201cPardon the tears, but I am at a loss. What am I supposed to do with my 9th<\/sup> grade daughter? She was never a problem academically or behaviorally. Now they say she doesn\u2019t fit in.\u201d<\/p>\n Pay attention!\u00a0 This mother was not from some Godforsaken out-of-town community.\u00a0 She was calling from the heart of Flatbush!<\/p>\n Over and over, I hear the cruel refrain.\u00a0 \u201cS\/he doesn\u2019t fit in\u201d.\u00a0 What does that even mean?<\/p>\n And what am I to say to the parent who cries to me, \u201cWhat am I to do with him\/her?\u201d<\/p>\n The solution is not as simple as placing the student in another school.\u00a0 Too many times, the insensitivity of the educator goes beyond his own school.\u00a0 He sees to it that the child is blacklisted.\u00a0 Some sort of \u201cinter-principal\u201d network removes the child not only from one school but blocks him from all of them.<\/p>\n As a result, students who need structure, who need the embrace of the community, not its rejection, are left to while away their time at home, on the street, idle, frustrated, and bored.<\/p>\n \u201cAnd mind you,\u201d a mother told me, \u201cmy daughter is not rebelling, tearing the place apart. At least not yet!\u00a0 She keeps asking me, \u2018What happened, mommy?\u2019\u00a0 \u2018What\u2019s wrong with me?\u2019 What am I to tell her?\u201d<\/p>\n Is she to tell her daughter that her school was like a factory and she was expected to be a widget?\u00a0 Is she to tell her that she didn\u2019t \u201cfit the mold\u201d?\u00a0 That is not a Jewish message!<\/p>\n How many do we lose to the Jewish community because of being shunned?\u00a0 I heard from one young adult, \u201cI didn\u2019t fit the mold, and had a hard time, ultimately going OTD. \u00a0I later came back, with a modern Orthodox hashkafah<\/i>.\u201d<\/p>\n He came back.\u00a0 He had the strength of conviction to seek another path to God and Torah; there are after all, shiviim panim l\u2019Torah<\/i>!\u00a0 \u00a0But what of the countless others who don\u2019t come back?\u00a0 What about those whose communities turned against them and told them \u201cYou don\u2019t belong\u201d?\u00a0 What had they done?\u00a0 Was their transgression so great that they were shunned as if they were Cain?<\/p>\n Again, I applaud the school with high standards.\u00a0 Every good school must adhere to a code of conduct and behavior that covers academics, social behavior, and religious behavior.\u00a0 The question is, how do you respond to infractions?\u00a0 Is a minor infraction treated the same as a major one?\u00a0 Is the only response to an infraction to throw a student out?<\/p>\n Yeshiva students who have been expelled and blacklisted from other yeshivas <\/i>often find their way to public schools or local community colleges and, hurt and angry by how they were treated, gravitate toward a more secular experience.\u00a0 Still others, rejected by yeshivas <\/i>with minimal general studies programs are ill-equipped to even find their way to public education.\u00a0 They are even more vulnerable to the ills of the secular world.<\/p>\n They too often end up in the streets, aligning with the most undesirable of society.\u00a0 Whatever family contact they have continues to fray until it disintegrates as their frum <\/i>families shun the \u201coutcast\u201d in their midst.\u00a0 In this way, families and generations are lost.\u00a0 Why?\u00a0 Because a menahel <\/i>determined that a child \u201cdoesn\u2019t fit in.\u201d<\/p>\n Who will answer for these lost souls? Who is big enough to answer the Ribono shel Olam <\/i>on High who will surely want to know, \u201cWhy did you allow My beloved children to forsake Me?\u201d<\/p>\n Who will answer the mother who wants to know, \u201cWhy did my daughter fit in all eight years of elementary school, and one month before school opening in 9th<\/sup> grade, she suddenly doesn\u2019t fit in?\u00a0 What changed? What happened? \u00a0Won\u2019t anybody tell me?\u201d<\/p>\n It wasn\u2019t all that long ago that rabbis, rabbanim <\/i>and others concerned with the Jewish future in this country looked for students \u201cwith candles\u201d\u00a0to register in what were then fledgling institutions. Yeshivas were starved <\/i>for talmidim<\/i>. \u00a0Bais Yaakovs<\/i> for girls were not even a dream, but the wisp of a thought about a dream. \u00a0It has been a very few short years since fine institutions of Torah learning for both boys and girls became a reality.<\/p>\n During that time, everyone was welcome. Everyone fit in. \u00a0Many communities\u2019 day schools came to be because the local Orthodox rabbi, overwhelmingly members of the Rabbinical Council of America, went door to door to any and all Jewish families soliciting <\/b>not for money but for any Jewish child whose parents would enroll their child in this \u201cnew\u201d phenomenon called \u201cJewish day school.\u201d<\/p>\n In Lakewood, NJ the late Rabbi Pesach Z. Levovitz dared to dream that a day school could be a reality.\u00a0 He literally begged for Jewish kids in and around Lakewood, including in Howell, Freehold, Farmingdale and Tom River where Jewish immigrants, mostly Holocaust survivors initiated successful egg farms and businesses. \u00a0\u201cJust come!\u201d he enthusiastically told one and all.\u00a0 \u201cGive me a chance,\u201d he begged. His persistence laid the ground work for a community that was to ultimately become \u201cLakewood\u201d where Rabbi Levovitz lovingly welcomed, embraced and assisted Rav Aharon Kotler ZTL. The rest is history! \u00a0In the Bronx, the late, revered rav<\/i>, Rosh Yeshiva and dreamer, my unforgettable rebbi, Rav Yeruchem Gorelick ZTL established Yeshiva Zichron Moshe and Bais Yaakov decades ago and expressed great satisfaction and enthusiasm when the city allowed for students to be bussed to the schools of their choosing. \u00a0He felt that bussing was introduced min hashamayim <\/i>\u2013 it was divinely ordained, so everyone could come \u2026 all fit in.<\/p>\n So it was across the country.\u00a0 In Pittsburgh, the late Rabbi Joseph Shapiro knocked on doors in the evenings when both parents were home, asking for the opportunity to elegantly and sensitively explain why a day school education made sense for all Jewish parents, even the \u201cgreeners\u201d who wanted to rid themselves of any real Jewish observance and identity. That was the beginning of Hillel Academy of Pittsburgh, and many other Hillel Academies throughout the country.<\/p>\n All were welcome.\u00a0 All fit in.\u00a0 They need\u00a0only come.<\/p>\n And now?<\/p>\n The issue is not whether every yeshiva and school needs to accept every student.\u00a0 Rather, the issue is whether there is a seat for every child who wants to attend a yeshiva, a Bais Yaakov, <\/i>a Jewish Day School.<\/b> There must always be a seat at the table \u2013 and an acknowledgement that the table is large enough for everyone!<\/p>\n The great imperative of Judaism is to learn and teach Torah.\u00a0 Ve\u2019shinantan levaneicha<\/i>.\u00a0 Who are we to determine who is worthy to learn?\u00a0 Who are we to suggest that someone is not <\/i>worthy?<\/p>\n Not long ago, I received an email from a mother who was in emotional anguish over her son, \u201ckicked out before Pesach.\u201d\u00a0 She agreed that the yeshiva was not meeting his needs.\u00a0 That it was not the right place for him.\u00a0 \u201cBut now I have a son in jeans with an unfiltered smart phone, still Shomer Shabbos BH, but not doing everything properly.\u201d<\/p>\n She and I continued to email for several days.\u00a0 Throughout, I found her to be thoughtful and reasonable.\u00a0 At one point, she wrote, \u201cWhat I have strongly felt would have made a huge difference is had he not been kicked out but transferred. If they would have said, \u2018This is not the right place for you but let\u2019s find the place that will meet your needs.\u2019\u201d\u00a0 She wondered if it would be possible for yeshivas to work together with parents to find the right place for the student who \u201cdoesn\u2019t fit in.\u201d<\/p>\n She was pleading not just for her own son but for, \u201call the sons and daughters expelled and rejected.\u201d\u00a0 She didn\u2019t want her son, or any of them, to feel hated or unwanted by the frum <\/i>community.\u00a0 With another, appropriate placement, her son could be in yeshiva and \u201chold his head high\u201d in the community.<\/p>\n Does anything else need to be said?<\/p>\n As we concluded our emails and communications, during which I offered a number of suggestions and supportive comments, she said what was deepest in her heart and in the hearts of countless fathers, mothers and their \u201cpunished\u201d children. \u00a0With exasperation, hurt, and bewilderment she said to me, \u201cArticles are nice but with all due respect we need bigger. The more children that get kicked out, the more children we have on the street suffering and the path back is so much longer and ever so much more difficult.<\/p>\n \u201cHow can we take this to the Gedolim<\/i> and make a change ASAP?\u201d<\/p>\n I share her fear and her bewilderment and I share her sense of urgency.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n