{"id":33605,"date":"2013-10-02T18:52:51","date_gmt":"2013-10-02T18:52:51","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.ou.org\/life\/?p=33605"},"modified":"2013-10-02T18:52:51","modified_gmt":"2013-10-02T18:52:51","slug":"anonymous-struggle","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.ou.org\/life\/community\/anonymous-struggle\/","title":{"rendered":"An Anonymous Struggle"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"crying\"<\/a>The month before I turned 32-years-old I married my bashert.\u00a0 One and a half years later we had our first child \u2013 a daughter.\u00a0 This was a dream-come-true.\u00a0 I\u2019d always wanted a little girl since I myself was a little girl!\u00a0 I also wanted a sizable family of four or five children.<\/p>\n

A month after I turned 35 we were blessed with another daughter.\u00a0 They are the best of friends to this day and I ask Hashem to always help them maintain this connection.<\/p>\n

By the spring of this past year my husband and I had hoped to add another child to our family.\u00a0 It appears that it\u2019s not in Hashem\u2019s plan for us right now.\u00a0 What seems to be on the agenda is my finding a working treatment for a medical condition that emerged and is still being understood.<\/p>\n

I remember carrying my second daughter up the stairs to our front door and feeling the first bursts of pain in my forearms. \u00a0What do you expect? \u00a0I had two kids close in age and that puts a lot of wear and tear on our bodies. \u00a0That must be why I have this tearing pain. \u00a0Three months later the pain has spread to my elbows. \u00a0I see my internist. \u00a0She sends me to a physiatrist (aka a rehabilitation doctor). \u00a0The pain is spreading. \u00a0I now have carpal tunnel and shoulder pain, as well as pain all throughout my arms. \u00a0Folding large items of laundry, such as bed sheets and towels, hurts the outer part of my upper arms. \u00a0And I continue deteriorating from there. \u00a0Back pain, hip pain, knee pain, ankle pain, foot pain. \u00a0Seven months since my original forearm pains and I’ve now started to feel weaker and more tired. \u00a0One month later my energy falls away. \u00a0My husband begins to miss work to stay home and care for our children while I’m bedridden all day. \u00a0I’m working part-time three days a week. \u00a0I ask a colleague if she can pick me up and drop me off. \u00a0I don’t have the energy to drive in addition to actually performing the work on the job. \u00a0If she can just get me there I can fake it. \u00a0One day I feel particularly dizzy at work. \u00a0I grab that colleague and tell her what medications I’m on just in case I pass out and an ambulance is called.<\/p>\n

What’s wrong with me? \u00a0My internist runs labs. \u00a0Blood work comes back positive for Lyme Disease. \u00a0I’m so happy. \u00a0I’m crying over the phone to the nurse. \u00a0It’s such a sense of relief to finally have a solid diagnosis. \u00a0I’m put on a strong course of treatment. \u00a0I’m told to also see a cardiologist. \u00a0Somehow I’m getting worse. \u00a0More days in bed. \u00a0More days my husband misses work. \u00a0I see two different infectious disease doctors who request more blood tests. \u00a0I keep coming back borderline positive for Lyme Disease, but upon examination by each doctor, they say I don’t have this disease. \u00a0They tell me to keep looking. \u00a0See a rheumatologist. \u00a0I see two of them.<\/p>\n

Doctor #8 keeps me waiting for an hour and a half in her exam room. \u00a0She comes in with a laptop. \u00a0She takes my entire history and asks me random questions. \u00a0An hour and change later she tells me she thinks she knows what I have. \u00a0I’ll need chemotherapy to treat it. \u00a0Not the infusion type, though. \u00a0This is in the form of pills I can swallow at home. \u00a0Get some x-rays, speak to my husband about the treatment, come back and see her in a couple weeks. \u00a0But, doctor, will I be able to have children on this medication? \u00a0No, but you won’t be on it forever. \u00a0Probably 6-9 months. \u00a0Okay, that’s workable.<\/p>\n

Fast-forward past the hair thinning, indescribable mouth sores, extreme dehydration, and other side effects of this chemo drug. \u00a0Six months into it I begin to get energy back sparingly. \u00a0First it comes back for two days and then plummets again. \u00a0Next week it comes back for three days and plummets again. \u00a0Slowly, slowly, I’m getting further with my energy. \u00a0I’m making it up to two full weeks with productivity in my life again – yay! \u00a0I can take my kids to the playground and stand up by their side as they climb and balance and run around. \u00a0I can help them like a parent is supposed to. \u00a0I’m still in pain and I need so much physical therapy and occupational therapy, but I have energy to tackle my day again. \u00a0Memories of my husband having to stay home and help me are now fuzzy. \u00a0With every appointment with my rheumatologist I ask her when I can go off the drug. \u00a0She said 6-9 months and now it’s been nine months, ten months, eleven months. \u00a0We still want to have at least another child. \u00a0I’m 38 now. \u00a0Why do I still have pains and when can I go off this drug?<\/p>\n

December comes around. \u00a0I’m getting tired too easily again. \u00a0Slowly the floor falls out on my energy again. \u00a0I tell my doctor this. \u00a0She insists the medication is working. \u00a0My pains are continuing to get worse. \u00a0My problem areas are spreading. \u00a0What’s going on? \u00a0Are you hearing me? \u00a0Why are you arguing with me that the medicine is working?<\/p>\n

April now. \u00a0I see doctor #9. \u00a0He is frum like we are. \u00a0He hears my profound desire to have at least one more child. \u00a0He weans me off the chemo drug. \u00a0He switches me to self-injectable medications that will allow me to be pregnant once the chemo drug gets out of my system in six months. \u00a0But, I can’t believe how much this injection hurts. \u00a0I accidentally pulled it out too soon from the shock of the pain. \u00a0My friend is a nurse, maybe she’ll give the injections to me. \u00a0They’re still too painful. \u00a0Three weeks in and I have an adverse reaction. \u00a0I run to the doctor. \u00a0He’s never seen anyone react like this before. \u00a0Get to the pharmacy with this prescription and get on that drug right away. \u00a0This would escalate into me going to the hospital otherwise.<\/p>\n

Okay, all under control. \u00a0One week later show the doctor that the reaction is all gone. \u00a0New drug. \u00a0Another self-injectable. \u00a0My nurse here will administer it for you. \u00a0Ouch, this one is as bad as the last. \u00a0So painful. \u00a0I don’t know how much of this I can take. \u00a0Wait a minute….is that a migraine headache coming on? \u00a0Every single day these headaches keep coming back.\u00a0\u00a0Now I need a prescription for migraine medication. \u00a0I hate the needle and I can’t care for my kids or home with these headaches. \u00a0Doctor, I can’t continue this drug. \u00a0We still want to have another child, but let’s put that on the back burner. \u00a0I can barely take care of the ones I already have with this illness. \u00a0I just need to focus on what will get me better.<\/p>\n

One last option for you. \u00a0Infusions. \u00a0They’re two hours each. \u00a0You come here to receive them. \u00a0Fine. \u00a0Let’s do that.<\/p>\n

Now I need some time to myself. \u00a0I need to mourn that I’ve just tossed aside the plan of having another child. \u00a0You know, I’m not the best mother to the ones I have anyway. \u00a0I’m not a terrible mother at all, but there’s more I could do for them and with them. \u00a0I could speak more gently and patiently. \u00a0I can include them more in the kitchen and household work. \u00a0I can adore them more and schep nachas from them more. \u00a0Maybe Hashem doesn’t feel I should have another child if I’m already taking these two for granted.<\/p>\n

I cry my eyes out. \u00a0My heart is crying, too. \u00a0My husband agrees that we have to put the thought of another child on the side. \u00a0Perhaps it’s not in our future at all. \u00a0We win either way. \u00a0Two healthy girls already. \u00a0We’ve won a jackpot. \u00a0Maybe another child in the future after I’m 40. \u00a0We win if I’m able to do that, too. \u00a0We’re in agreement. \u00a0Sigh. \u00a0Let’s move forward.<\/p>\n

But with every adorable toddler we see, our hearts break. \u00a0My husband begins saying it more and more, “I want another”. \u00a0In reference to our girls, “They’re getting so big. \u00a0I want more.”<\/p>\n

I’ve resigned myself to whatever fate Hashem gives me. \u00a0My heart hurts from the tears. \u00a0If I get cured, I can have a child maybe when I’m 41 or 42. \u00a0If I’m not cured or I need to remain on the infusions long-term, no more children whatsoever. \u00a0It comes from Hashem. \u00a0It’s all for the good. \u00a0Maybe if I’m gracious about it then I’ll get my heart’s desire in the end. \u00a0But, again, either way we win. \u00a0Hashem has been enormously kind to us already.<\/p>\n

– Anonymous<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

The heartbreaking story of an anonymous woman’s struggle with a mystery disease and her desire to have another child.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":41,"featured_media":33618,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[97],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-33605","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-community"],"yoast_head":"\nAn Anonymous Struggle - OU Life<\/title>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/www.ou.org\/life\/community\/anonymous-struggle\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"An Anonymous Struggle - OU Life\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"The heartbreaking story of an anonymous woman's struggle with a mystery disease and her desire to have another child.\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:url\" content=\"https:\/\/www.ou.org\/life\/community\/anonymous-struggle\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:site_name\" content=\"OU Life\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:published_time\" content=\"2013-10-02T18:52:51+00:00\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:image\" content=\"https:\/\/www.ou.org\/life\/files\/iStock_000016576679XSmall.jpg\" \/>\n\t<meta property=\"og:image:width\" content=\"324\" \/>\n\t<meta property=\"og:image:height\" content=\"370\" \/>\n\t<meta property=\"og:image:type\" content=\"image\/jpeg\" \/>\n<meta name=\"author\" content=\"Anonymous\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:card\" content=\"summary_large_image\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:label1\" content=\"Written by\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:data1\" content=\"Anonymous\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:label2\" content=\"Est. reading time\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:data2\" content=\"7 minutes\" \/>\n<script type=\"application\/ld+json\" class=\"yoast-schema-graph\">{\"@context\":\"https:\/\/schema.org\",\"@graph\":[{\"@type\":\"WebPage\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.ou.org\/life\/community\/anonymous-struggle\/\",\"url\":\"https:\/\/www.ou.org\/life\/community\/anonymous-struggle\/\",\"name\":\"An Anonymous Struggle - 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