{"id":33207,"date":"2013-07-30T16:27:51","date_gmt":"2013-07-30T16:27:51","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.ou.org\/life\/?p=33207"},"modified":"2013-08-07T18:03:52","modified_gmt":"2013-08-07T18:03:52","slug":"even-though-you-know","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.ou.org\/life\/parenting\/even-though-you-know\/","title":{"rendered":"“Even Though You Know…”"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"Help<\/a>\u201c<\/b>A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.\u201d<\/p>\n

Proverbs 15:1<\/b><\/p>\n

Did you ever try to give your child advice?<\/p>\n

\u201cWhy don\u2019t you go to sleep early tonight, you look so tired..\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYou should do your homework right when you get home\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cDon\u2019t play with Eli if he bossing you around\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n

At best you will get the proverbial eye roll with a shrug of shoulders that signals irritation. That is because it is tough for kids to accept advice from adults even if the advice is given just to help them or even to cheer them up.<\/p>\n

Most experts agree that children do not respond well to advice even if it\u2019s given with the best of intentions. This is because it interferes with a child\u2019s need for autonomy. When given advice, children feel as if their parents are talking down to them. Faber and Mazlish in their book, \u201cHow To Talk So Kids Will Listen\u201d say, \u201cWhen you give\u2026 advice to children, they either feel stupid (\u201cWhy didn\u2019t I think of that myself?\u201d), resentful (\u201cDon\u2019t tell me how to run my life!\u201d), or irritated (\u201cWhat makes you think I didn\u2019t think of that already?\u201d).<\/p>\n

This is difficult for parents. We have a need to share our values and opinions with our children and we hate to see our children sad, disappointed and frustrated. We have life experience and we can use it to truly help our kids with their struggles. Not only that, it is painful to watch our children struggle with the variety of problems they may have: fatigue, a friend that is bossy, or homework. What better way to cheer and help them by giving them some advice?<\/p>\n

There is a phrase that we can use to preface our advice, which can help kids hear us.<\/p>\n

\u201cEven though you know\u201d<\/p>\n

This phrase work because it allows us to give advice\u00a0without interfering with a child\u2019s need for autonomy and denying their negative emotions. That means that kids can actually listen to our advice without feeling bad about themselves and their feelings. We can add a statement that also lets them know that we have confidence in them that they can make good decisions.<\/p>\n

Here is how it works:<\/p>\n

\u201cEven though you know that going to sleep bed early would be a good idea, you need to make your own decisions.”<\/p>\n

\u201cEven though you know the best time to do your homework is when you come home, you would like to decide when to do it.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cEven though you know that Eli is bossy, you would like to make your own decisions about whether or not you have had enough playing with him.\u201d<\/p>\n

Kids do want to our good advice, but we need to be careful to talk to them in a way that they can hear us. Using non-confrontational and neutral phrases like, \u201cEven though you know\u2026\u201d can help us do just that.<\/p>\n

Adina Soclof<\/strong>, MS. CCC-SLP,\u00a0works as a Parent Educator for Bellefaire Jewish Children\u2019s Bureau facilitating\u00a0<\/em>How to Talk so Kids will Listen and Listen so Kids will Talk\u00a0workshops as well as workshops based on\u00a0<\/em>Siblings Without Rivalry. Adina also runs\u00a0parentingsimply.com<\/a>.\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Giving your child advice is often met by rolled eyes, shrugged shoulders and defensive responses. 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