{"id":32942,"date":"2013-07-01T18:48:16","date_gmt":"2013-07-01T18:48:16","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.ou.org\/life\/?p=32942"},"modified":"2013-07-01T18:49:23","modified_gmt":"2013-07-01T18:49:23","slug":"teaching-your-family-ahavat-chinam","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.ou.org\/life\/parenting\/teaching-your-family-ahavat-chinam\/","title":{"rendered":"Teaching Your Family Ahavat Chinam"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"family<\/a>According to our tradition, the second temple in Jerusalem was destroyed because of sinat chinam<\/i>, baseless hatred of one another. In every generation the Jewish people are called upon to rectify this by practicing ahavat chinam,<\/i>\u00a0loving others freely without judgement.<\/p>\n

As parents we want to transmit this message of Ahavat Chinam in simple ways to our kids and live our lives according to this principle. Happy families are families who, for the most part, can love each other unconditionally, without judgment. \u00a0But how? An important principle in Judaism is to give others the benefit of the doubt. In marriage and in parenting, it is essential. It helps us avoid anger and unnecessary blaming, leading to better relationships. It allows us to model\u00a0ahavat chinam<\/i>. And ultimately, it leads to improved behavior in our children.<\/p>\n

Giving the benefit of the doubt means that we don\u2019t always assume that the motivation behind our spouses and child\u2019s behavior is a negative one. For example, we might think: \u201cMy spouse didn\u2019t take out the garbage just to annoy me.\u201d Or, \u201cMy kids are squabbling at the dinner table because they are the most difficult, unruly kids!\u201d<\/p>\n

Instead, we can try to assume that our spouse\u2019s and child\u2019s intentions were positive, and look for the good in our family\u2019s behavior instead of reacting negatively and assuming our children are misbehaving or our spouse is being inconsiderate.<\/p>\n

Why?<\/p>\n

Because when we attribute negative motives to our spouses and children\u2019s behavior, it makes us angry. And when we\u2019re angry, we tend to say things we don\u2019t mean. When we are angry we usually aren\u2019t able to discipline effectively.<\/p>\n

We are more likely to say things to your spouse like: \u201cYou never remember to take out the garbage! You are so inconsiderate.\u201c<\/p>\n

Or you might say to your children: “You are so rude! Why do you always have to fight? You guys never get along! When will I ever have a peaceful dinner?\u201d<\/p>\n

When we speak to our spouses and kids in that way, we place them in a situation where their only recourse is to attack us or defend themselves. They are put into a position where they generally exhibit more negative or even oppositional behavior.<\/p>\n

To nurture our relationships with our families and discipline \u00a0our kids effectively we want to use statements that show we are giving our family\u2019s the benefit of the doubt:<\/p>\n

To your spouse:<\/p>\n

\u201cI took out the garbage, I figured you were tired and it probably just slipped your mind\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n

To your kids:<\/p>\n

\u201cYou probably did not realize how important it is to me that the dinner table is peaceful. Let\u2019s figure out a way to keep the fighting at a minimum. Any ideas?\u201d<\/p>\n

When we give the benefit of the doubt we show faith in our family\u2019s innate goodness. We promote strong and loving interactions. Our spouses and even our children will not feel the need to oppose us. This is especially effective when parenting because we are then free to direct the child kindly and firmly to use better behavior or to come up with some solutions how to behave better.<\/p>\n

Giving the benefit of the doubt is a great way to practice Ahavat Chinam and keep your home happy and stress-free.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Happy families are families who can love each other unconditionally without judgment. It can be hard at times to remember this fact but it is incredibly rewarding to instill these values in our kids.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":720,"featured_media":32943,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[19,5,17],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-32942","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-marriage","category-parenting","category-relationships"],"yoast_head":"\nTeaching Your Family Ahavat Chinam - OU Life<\/title>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/www.ou.org\/life\/parenting\/teaching-your-family-ahavat-chinam\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"Teaching Your Family Ahavat Chinam - OU Life\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"Happy families are families who can love each other unconditionally without judgment. It can be hard at times to remember this fact but it is incredibly rewarding to instill these values in our kids.\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:url\" content=\"https:\/\/www.ou.org\/life\/parenting\/teaching-your-family-ahavat-chinam\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:site_name\" content=\"OU Life\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:published_time\" content=\"2013-07-01T18:48:16+00:00\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:modified_time\" content=\"2013-07-01T18:49:23+00:00\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:image\" content=\"https:\/\/www.ou.org\/life\/files\/iStock_000015782485Small.jpg\" \/>\n\t<meta property=\"og:image:width\" content=\"849\" \/>\n\t<meta property=\"og:image:height\" content=\"565\" \/>\n\t<meta property=\"og:image:type\" content=\"image\/jpeg\" \/>\n<meta name=\"author\" content=\"Adina Soclof\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:card\" content=\"summary_large_image\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:label1\" content=\"Written by\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:data1\" content=\"Adina Soclof\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:label2\" content=\"Est. reading time\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:data2\" content=\"3 minutes\" \/>\n<script type=\"application\/ld+json\" class=\"yoast-schema-graph\">{\"@context\":\"https:\/\/schema.org\",\"@graph\":[{\"@type\":\"WebPage\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.ou.org\/life\/parenting\/teaching-your-family-ahavat-chinam\/\",\"url\":\"https:\/\/www.ou.org\/life\/parenting\/teaching-your-family-ahavat-chinam\/\",\"name\":\"Teaching Your Family Ahavat Chinam - OU Life\",\"isPartOf\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.ou.org\/life\/#website\"},\"primaryImageOfPage\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.ou.org\/life\/parenting\/teaching-your-family-ahavat-chinam\/#primaryimage\"},\"image\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.ou.org\/life\/parenting\/teaching-your-family-ahavat-chinam\/#primaryimage\"},\"thumbnailUrl\":\"https:\/\/www.ou.org\/life\/files\/iStock_000015782485Small.jpg\",\"datePublished\":\"2013-07-01T18:48:16+00:00\",\"dateModified\":\"2013-07-01T18:49:23+00:00\",\"author\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.ou.org\/life\/#\/schema\/person\/e1d662e1b99b4cb9d5268c1a8111a03a\"},\"inLanguage\":\"en-US\",\"potentialAction\":[{\"@type\":\"ReadAction\",\"target\":[\"https:\/\/www.ou.org\/life\/parenting\/teaching-your-family-ahavat-chinam\/\"]}]},{\"@type\":\"ImageObject\",\"inLanguage\":\"en-US\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.ou.org\/life\/parenting\/teaching-your-family-ahavat-chinam\/#primaryimage\",\"url\":\"https:\/\/www.ou.org\/life\/files\/iStock_000015782485Small.jpg\",\"contentUrl\":\"https:\/\/www.ou.org\/life\/files\/iStock_000015782485Small.jpg\",\"width\":849,\"height\":565},{\"@type\":\"WebSite\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.ou.org\/life\/#website\",\"url\":\"https:\/\/www.ou.org\/life\/\",\"name\":\"OU Life\",\"description\":\"Everyday Jewish Living\",\"potentialAction\":[{\"@type\":\"SearchAction\",\"target\":{\"@type\":\"EntryPoint\",\"urlTemplate\":\"https:\/\/www.ou.org\/life\/?s={search_term_string}\"},\"query-input\":{\"@type\":\"PropertyValueSpecification\",\"valueRequired\":true,\"valueName\":\"search_term_string\"}}],\"inLanguage\":\"en-US\"},{\"@type\":\"Person\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.ou.org\/life\/#\/schema\/person\/e1d662e1b99b4cb9d5268c1a8111a03a\",\"name\":\"Adina Soclof\",\"image\":{\"@type\":\"ImageObject\",\"inLanguage\":\"en-US\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.ou.org\/life\/#\/schema\/person\/image\/\",\"url\":\"http:\/\/www.ou.org\/life\/files\/Adina-Soclof_avatar-96x96.png\",\"contentUrl\":\"http:\/\/www.ou.org\/life\/files\/Adina-Soclof_avatar-96x96.png\",\"caption\":\"Adina Soclof\"},\"description\":\"Adina Soclof, MS. 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