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Clarify the Halachic Obligation<\/span><\/h4>\n<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n
First, do what you have to do, but maybe not more. The Talmudic Sages sometimes refrained from legislating an enactment if they felt that it was a \u201cchumra [stringency] which most of the community could not endure\u201d; on a variation of this theme, Rav Scheinberg, zt\u201dl, identified practices regarding cleaning on Pesach that he termed \u201ckulas [leniencies] that most of the community cannot withstand\u201d\u2014that is, the halacha is often much more lenient than popular common practice is. Ask your posek [halachic decisor]\u2014find out what the halacha and your communal custom require that you do … and do that, but not more than that.<\/p>\n
People\u2014from the noblest of intentions\u2014prepare according to requirements that go above and beyond what the halacha would require. If there were no counterbalancing considerations, there would be nothing to say. But the exhaustion that culminates in an inability to stay awake at the Seder is a considerable consideration, and many prominent halachic authorities (including the great 19th century Torah scholar Rav Naftali Tzvi Yehudah Berlin, \u201cthe Netziv\u201d) caution women against working so hard that they cannot fully participate in the Seder experience.<\/p>\n
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Delegate<\/span><\/h4>\n<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n
Enlist the help you need. Some women embrace martyrdom during this period and end up nursing hurt feelings and resentments rather than expressing a very reasonable request for help.<\/p>\n
For Men:<\/span><\/h3>\n
Abe goes to see his boss and says, \u201cWe\u2019re doing some heavy house cleaning at home tomorrow for Pesach and my wife needs me to help with the attic and the garage, moving and hauling stuff.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWe\u2019re short-handed, Abe,\u201d the boss replies. \u201cI just can\u2019t give you the day off.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThanks, boss.\u201d says Abe. \u201cI knew I could count on you!\u201d<\/p>\n
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Do Your Part<\/span><\/h4>\n<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n
![\"vacuuming\"](\"http:\/\/www.ou.org\/life\/files\/iStock_000000796214Small-300x225.jpg\")
<\/a>Do more of the work; pull your weight. There is a Talmudic principle that might apply here: \u201cOne fulfills a greater level of mitzvah accomplishment when one participates in the mechanics of performing the mitzvah rather than authorizing an agent to do it on his behalf.\u201d The sense of accomplishment in having a chametz-free home… you have to earn that; it doesn\u2019t come for free. Do your proportionate share of the work, after you allow for factors of work, learning, etc.<\/p>\nWe all have obligations outside the house, agreed, and they take up a significant percentage of our time. But the overriding consideration of the season is the preparation for Pesach, and you have a stake in that, as well. As with all things, a conversation with your posek (halachic authority) will give valuable guidance in how you should allocate your time.<\/p>\n
You have a stake in your wife\u2019s ability to be present and awake at the Seder. That principle espoused by the Netziv mentioned earlier is your concern, too.<\/p>\n
Your recognition of what your wife is doing\u2014as evidenced by your active involvement and cooperation\u2014can spare your wife a lot of emotional hurt and feelings of resentment, and preempt shalom bayit issues that sometimes linger in the home long after the holiday is over.<\/p>\n
A group of halachically meticulous students came to Rav Yisrael Salanter and asked him what halachic stringencies they should observe in the preparation of the matzah for the upcoming holiday. Rav Yisrael gave them one: \u201cDon\u2019t yell at the widows preparing the matzah.\u201d<\/p>\n
Matzah-baking was low-paying seasonal work, and it tended to attract elderly widows trying to supplement their meager incomes. The process of matzah-baking is very stressful\u2014the clock is ticking and every second counts\u2014and tempers can flare and patience can run thin. It wasn\u2019t uncommon for people to lose their cool as they urged on the women baking. Matzah made in that way lacks a dimension of kedusha (holiness), Rav Yisrael taught them. That lesson is relevant to us, as well. If we were to ask Rav Yisrael what stringencies to observe in our Pesach preparations today, he would tell us, \u201cDo your part, and help your wives.\u201d<\/p>\n
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Express Gratitude<\/span><\/h4>\n<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n
In addition to your own active involvement in the many preparatory processes, express your gratitude to your wife, fully and meaningfully, in both words and actions. Simply saying \u201cFeige, thank you!\u201d out loud, once, does not discharge the obligation of gratitude for countless hours of backbreaking work. Your wife just spent the better part of the last month getting ready; she deserves something more\u2014her dignity and your decency demand it.<\/p>\n
The halacha requires that a man buy his wife a gift before yom tov\u2014this is true before every chag, of course, but perhaps the gift that precedes Pesach should be more elaborate. And so should the expression of gratitude that accompanies it. The card that comes with the gift is probably more important than the gift. Articulate\u2014clearly and fully\u2014as many aspects of your wife\u2019s extraordinary efforts on behalf of her family as you can recognize, and thank her\u2014sincerely, wholeheartedly\u2014for each and every one. Celebrate her halachic integrity and devotion to her family. Do that more than once.<\/p>\n
For Children:<\/span><\/h3>\n
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Ditto and ditto<\/span><\/h4>\n<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n
Children, too, have an obligation to participate in the preparations for Pesach and expressions of gratitude. The yeshivas give time off weeks in advance \u2014ostensibly so the kids can help\u2014and indeed, they should. If everyone pulls their weight and acknowledges the herculean efforts of the selfless heroines making it all happen, we make for happier holidays and happier families. It\u2019s the smart thing to do, and it\u2019s the right thing to do… unless we want to consider an apocalyptic future in which the Jewish women commission NASA to begin construction of huge space arks capable of transporting all the Jewish men to the moon.<\/p>\n
Reprinted From the\u00a0OU Guide to Passover<\/a>\u00a02013\/5773.<\/em><\/p>\n
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Ask your most pressing questions about preparing for the holiday and observing its eight days properly.\u00a0<\/span>Send in your questions today<\/a>\u00a0for the <\/span>OU’s Pre-Passover Webcast<\/a>.\u00a0<\/span>Tune in on March 12th<\/a> for the answers.\u00a0<\/span><\/strong><\/p>\n
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![\"vacuuming\"](\"http:\/\/www.ou.org\/life\/files\/iStock_000000796214Small.jpg\")
<\/a>Do more of the work; pull your weight. There is a Talmudic principle that might apply here: \u201cOne fulfills a greater level of mitzvah accomplishment when one participates in the mechanics of performing the mitzvah rather than authorizing an agent to do it on his behalf.\u201d The sense of accomplishment in having a chametz-free home… you have to earn that; it doesn\u2019t come for free. Do your proportionate share of the work, after you allow for factors of work, learning, etc.<\/p>\n