{"id":31235,"date":"2013-02-13T23:11:39","date_gmt":"2013-02-13T23:11:39","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.ou.org\/life\/?p=31235"},"modified":"2017-04-27T07:37:41","modified_gmt":"2017-04-27T12:37:41","slug":"texting-chatting-and-that-thing-we-used-to-call-a-relationship","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.ou.org\/life\/relationships\/dating\/texting-chatting-and-that-thing-we-used-to-call-a-relationship\/","title":{"rendered":"Texting, Chatting, and That Thing We Used to Call a Relationship"},"content":{"rendered":"

Rachel\u2019s matchmaker had given her the green light. \u00a0Jacob was going to contact her that night (he was finally available!) and they would arrange a date. \u00a0As Rachel awaited his call, she thought about what he would look like and wondered where they would go.<\/p>\n

Her phone buzzed with an incoming text, interrupting her reverie. \u00a0To her shock, it was Jacob, texting to schedule their date. \u00a0\u201cWhat chutzpah<\/em> (nerve),\u201d she thought (and later told her friends). \u00a0\u201cHe doesn\u2019t even have the courtesy to call and talk to me.\u201d<\/p>\n

If you ask someone who was in the dating scene only ten years ago what role texting and emailing played in his or her relationship, my guess is that he or she would say it was a moot point. \u00a0No one I knew had texting on their phones (was it even around?), and while its absence may seem inconvenient now, it certainly made dating etiquette less complicated.<\/p>\n

The world is a different place today and texting and emailing play far larger roles in our relationships. The benefits are obvious; the difficulties less blatant, more complex. \u00a0Navigating the intricacies of chatting, texting, and emailing within the already-complicated world of dating can sometimes require Herculean efforts. When to chat? \u00a0When to call? Is it rude to chat to confirm a pickup time? \u00a0Will he think I\u2019m too forward if I text him? \u00a0The questions go on and on.<\/p>\n

With so many uncertainties surrounding texting and emailing, why do singles rely on them so heavily? \u00a0Wouldn\u2019t it simply be easier to rule them out of the dating process?<\/p>\n

Not always. Singles often use texting and emailing to progress a relationship. \u00a0Sandy Weiner, Dating Coach and owner of Last First Date, explains that \u201cyou can stay in touch and let someone know you\u2019re thinking of them by texting throughout the day without being intrusive.\u201d<\/p>\n

\"HandMichael Feldstein, a member of the Advisory Committee for YU Connects, agrees that these modes of communication at times do make things easier for singles\u2014but not always better. \u00a0\u201cI think many singles are using email and texting as a way to protect themselves from getting too close in a relationship or dealing with issues that they prefer to avoid in a face-to-face environment.\u201d<\/p>\n

Case in point? Break ups.<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019ve heard stories about guys who have broken up with girls after being in a relationship through a text or an email \u2013 there is no excuse for doing something like that,\u201d says Feldstein.
\nAs much as a text can help someone express a hard-to-say compliment, its potential to do significant damage to a relationship or allow for such rude behavior makes it a double-edged sword.<\/p>\n

Moreover, there have been plenty of cases of mistaken identity associated with texting. \u00a0\u201cPeople sometimes text the wrong person, which can lead to pushing away a potential match,\u201d relates Weiner. \u201cFor example, you’re set up with two women, and you’re going on first dates with both of them. You’re in communication with both, and by mistake, you text Susan and call her Karen. Not a good move!\u201d<\/p>\n

At the root of many of these tech-related issues is a lack of protocol informing proper behavior. Many men and women in relationships are flat-out confused by the lack of protocol with texting and the like in dating. \u00a0There are no set rules and what\u2019s deemed appropriate by one person may be viewed as inappropriate by another. \u00a0\u201cWomen don\u2019t know if it\u2019s too forward to initiate texting a man,\u201d says Weiner. \u00a0\u201cAnd men don\u2019t know if they\u2019re texting too much and possibly pushing a woman away.\u201d<\/p>\n

Facebook can also be detrimental to relationships. \u00a0If people in a relationship post pictures of themselves with members of the opposite sex (who are not their significant others) it can cause jealousy or confusion. Some people go so far as to change their relationship status from \u201cin a relationship\u201d to \u201csingle\u201d without informing the person they had been dating.<\/p>\n

But more than simply making a dating faux pas, texting, emailing and Facebook use can hinder relationships. \u00a0Gestures, body language, tone of voice, or facial expressions that convey emotions and attitude can never be translated into typed words. \u00a0As a dating coach, Weiner understands just how vital that face-to-face communication is.<\/p>\n

\u201cTexting is a poor substitute for true connection,\u201d she says. \u00a0\u201cLots of relationships never take off in a truly connected heart-to-heart manner without the in-person contact and connection. \u00a0It\u2019s fine for short informational communication, not so for emotional connection. \u00a0My rule: Do text facts and directions. \u00a0Don\u2019t text your emotions.\u201d<\/p>\n

Feldstein agrees. \u00a0\u201cYou can be the most tech savvy person in the world, but ultimately a relationship is built on spending quality time together in person. An honest and sincere relationship should be more than just words exchanged on a screen between two individuals.\u201d<\/p>\n

Despite her reservations, Rachel went out with Jacob. \u00a0He was courteous and polite, and they bonded in a meaningful way over sushi. \u00a0She had a great time and realized that her dramatic reaction was excessive and that Jacob\u2019s initial text did not accurately reflect the kind of person he was.<\/p>\n

There are so many ifs when dating and technology intersect. \u00a0Perhaps the best thing to keep in mind is to always treat others with the respect and courtesy we would hope to be treated with ourselves. As new tech gadgets evolve and old ones slowly fade away (remember rotary phones?), remember this: good manners never go out of style.<\/p>\n

\n

Chana Mayefsky<\/strong>\u00a0is a freelance writer and editor and a regular contributor to the Orthodox Union and Publishers Weekly. She lives in Hillside, NJ with her husband and two daughters.<\/em><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

The “text break-up” has been rightly condemned. Should the “tech-relationship” be as well?<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":293,"featured_media":31236,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"_cloudinary_featured_overwrite":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[18],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-31235","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-dating"],"yoast_head":"\nTexting, Chatting, and That Thing We Used to Call a Relationship - OU Life<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"\u201cI\u2019ve heard stories about guys who have broken up with girls after being in a relationship through a text or an email \u2013 there is no excuse for doing...that\u201d\" \/>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/www.ou.org\/life\/relationships\/dating\/texting-chatting-and-that-thing-we-used-to-call-a-relationship\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"Texting, Chatting, and That Thing We Used to Call a Relationship - 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