{"id":29578,"date":"2012-10-26T00:23:37","date_gmt":"2012-10-26T00:23:37","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.ou.org\/life\/?p=29578"},"modified":"2014-12-13T19:44:01","modified_gmt":"2014-12-14T00:44:01","slug":"absolute-best-way-get-your-kids-listen-raffi-bilek","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.ou.org\/life\/parenting\/absolute-best-way-get-your-kids-listen-raffi-bilek\/","title":{"rendered":"The Absolute Best Way to Get Your Kids to Do Almost Anything"},"content":{"rendered":"

I had a big duh<\/em>\u00a0moment this week. A roll-your-eyes, slap-your-forehead, can\u2019t-believe-I-didn\u2019t-realize-this-before moment.<\/p>\n

\"\"<\/a>You see, as a therapist, working with parents and children is one of my favorite duties. I have developed a comfortable parenting style and philosophy from the training and reading I have done, both Jewish and secular (see below<\/a> for some of my favorite reads), and I have had the privilege of helping many parents improve their own parenting as a result. So it was with more than a little embarrassment that I caught myself doing something that I knew was ineffective and counterproductive, something that I commonly teach others not to do.<\/p>\n

Let me start with this question: How do you get your kids to brush their teeth every night?<\/p>\n

The wrong answer is: Tell them to brush their teeth every night. This falls under common parenting error #131, \u201cDo as I say, not as I do.\u201d We all know that that approach doesn\u2019t work. If you speak lashon hara<\/em> (gossip) at the dinner table, you can read from the Chofetz Chayim until you\u2019re blue in the face, but you won\u2019t convince your kids to stop speaking lashon hara<\/em>.<\/p>\n

In the case of brushing teeth, as far as your kids are concerned, it\u2019s just another, \u201cDo as I say, not as I do.\u201d In most families that I know, the kids never see their parents brushing teeth, either because the parents have their own bathroom, or because they brush when the kids are asleep or not around. (I have only one recollection of ever seeing my dad brush his teeth, and I remember what a strange, out-of-character feeling it was.) And if kids don\u2019t see it, it\u2019s not happening. So when you tell them they<\/em> have to brush teeth, well, you\u2019re probably just spinning your wheels.<\/p>\n

Now, I knew all this in theory. I know that kids learn best by example. I observe daily examples of my kids (four and one-and-a-half) doing things just because they\u2019ve seen their mother and I do them, ranging from insisting on eating with a fork (not a small feat for a one-year-old) to putting on eye shadow (exceptionally cute for a four-year-old). In fact, we have trouble getting them to stop<\/em> doing things if they have seen us do them! And yet, despite all this, my approach to getting them to brush their teeth every night was \u2013 you guessed it \u2013 to tell them every night to brush their teeth. How foolish! How shortsighted!<\/p>\n

We got some delicious kids\u2019 toothpaste. We tried to make it fun and playful. We tried appealing to their sense of responsibility (at least for the eldest). Yet we weren\u2019t seeing much in the way of consistency or initiative. DUH!<\/em> Ultimately, brushing teeth is, for most people, a chore that has to be done. It\u2019s not much fun, it takes time you could use doing other things, and you see little reward for your efforts. And I thought I could just cajole my kids into it? Boy, was I being daft.<\/p>\n

Of course, most kids \u2013 I don\u2019t have any hard statistics on this, but I am guesstimating \u2013 eventually make a habit out of brushing teeth regularly, by hook or by crook. But I am trying to avoid hooks and crooks as I push my way through the early childhood years, and to stop spinning my wheels when there is so much else to be done.<\/p>\n

So one day last week, my good sense finally caught up with me, in the form of a duh<\/em>\u00a0moment, and I started to do what should have been painfully obvious to me earlier: When I want my kids to brush their teeth, I<\/em> brush my teeth. That\u2019s it. I\u2019ll prepare and bring them their toothbrushes with toothpaste as well, but I don\u2019t even tell them to brush anymore. I just hand them the tool. They know what to do with it. And it seems so much more alluring, now that Abba<\/em>\u2019s doing it! So we all brush together, and move on. Simple as that.<\/p>\n

This idea had even come to me before, and was lazily cast aside by a yetzer hara<\/em> (evil inclination) that pointed out that I was likely to eat more even after 7 o\u2019clock at night, that I would have to brush again later since it\u2019s best to brush before bed (or so I understand \u2013 I know about mental health, not dental health), that it would be a waste of toothpaste to brush twice. And what if I wanted to snack on an orange in the evening? Have you ever tried eating an orange after brushing your teeth? YUCK!<\/p>\n

These were the claims of my evil inclination. And, unbelievably, they managed to win, despite being excuses of the lamest variety. Let\u2019s face it, my toothpaste expenses are not breaking the bank.<\/p>\n

So yes, now I brush twice a night (and twice in the morning, if I have the opportunity to brush in front of them then too). I chalk the extra expense up to chinuch<\/em> (education) costs, which are certainly worth a couple of extra dollars a year. It\u2019s much, much easier than trying to coax the kids into doing it, and much more effective.<\/p>\n

The moral of the story is, if you\u2019re trying to get your kids to do something, find a way that they can see you doing it too, or doing something similar. You probably don\u2019t have homework to do, but you do have reading, learning, or professional work you can model at home. Do you put your plate in the sink when you\u2019re done with it, or do you leave it for your spouse? (Don\u2019t look now \u2013 I just caught myself on another blunder.)\u00a0\u00a0Do you put away your toys, or tools, books, or pencils as soon as you\u2019re done? If you want your kids to do these things, start thinking of ways that you can do them too \u2013 in full view. If you think it\u2019s too much effort, think of the alternative.<\/p>\n

And if you think I\u2019m being na\u00efve \u2013 give it a shot. And then let me know how it goes.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

<\/a>Recommended books on parenting:<\/p>\n

Like a Rose Among the Thorns<\/em>, Rabbi Noach Orlowek
\nMy Child, My Disciple<\/em>, Rabbi Noach Orlowek
\nTo Kindle a Soul<\/em>, Rabbi Lawrence Kelemen
\nPlanting and Building<\/em>, Rabbi Shlomo Wolbe
\nPositive Parenting<\/em>, Jane Nelsen, Ed.D (this is a whole series)
\nHow to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk<\/em>, Adele Faber & Elaine Mazlish (and other books by these authors)
\nThe Kazdin Method for Parenting the Defiant Child,<\/em> Alan E. Kazdin (not just for defiant children!)<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Rabbi Raffi Bilek, LCSW-C,\u00a0<\/em><\/strong>is a counselor and speaker in Baltimore, Maryland serving clients all over the globe. Find him online at\u00a0www.frumcounselor.com<\/a>\u00a0<\/em>or www.BaltimoreTherapyCenter.com<\/a><\/em>.<\/em><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

A roll-your-eyes, slap-your-forehead, can\u2019t-believe-I-didn\u2019t-realize-this-before tactic. 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