{"id":29520,"date":"2012-10-19T00:13:25","date_gmt":"2012-10-19T00:13:25","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.ou.org\/life\/?p=29520"},"modified":"2017-02-16T07:08:16","modified_gmt":"2017-02-16T12:08:16","slug":"yes-you-told-them-so-what-adina-soclof","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.ou.org\/life\/parenting\/yes-you-told-them-so-what-adina-soclof\/","title":{"rendered":"Yes, You \u201cTold Them So.\u201d So What?"},"content":{"rendered":"

Let your fellow\u2019s honor be as dear to you as your own.<\/em><\/p>\n

–\u00a0Pirkei Avot 2:15<\/p>\n

I have a friend who was planning a trip and asked me for some advice. We went over her itinerary and I felt it was overscheduled. It was way too packed for a trip with little kids. She disagreed and dismissed my reservations (could you believe?). We are close enough that I was able to say, \u201cFine, but I am reserving the right to say \u2018I told you so\u2019 if I am right!\u201d<\/p>\n

She called me from the trip citing one disaster after another. I did not say a word, but it killed me! I so wanted to say those four words (please see above).<\/p>\n

Why did I keep my mouth shut? Because although we all like to say, “I told you so,” and get that extra bit of satisfaction from being so terribly right<\/em>, the recipient never wants to hear it.<\/p>\n

I know that when I am driving around in circles–yes, it still happens even with our GPS–and my husband says, \u201cI told you 20 minutes ago we should have made a right, not a left!\u201d I do not feel very kindly to him. I also know that when my sister tells me to avoid the local hairdresser and I go anyway, I hate to hear, \u201cI told you not to go to Sandy; you should have listened to me.\u201d<\/p>\n

Humans like to be right. It makes us feel important. It feels so good to think and even more so to say, \u201cI told you so! If you would have only listened to me things would be going so well for you right now!\u201d Parents especially have this need. We love to tell our kids \u201cI told you so!\u201d I like to think it is because we are biologically programmed to protect our kids from harm.<\/p>\n

\"Boy<\/p>\n

If adults dislike hearing \u201cI told you so,” it would be natural to assume that kids don’t like it either. In fact, kids find it to be just as demeaning. They often feel belittled and shamed and will do anything to save face.<\/p>\n

In Pirkei Avot: 1:12, we learn that we need to \u201cbe of the disciples of Aaron–a lover of peace, a pursuer of peace, one who loves the creatures and draws them close to Torah.\u201d<\/p>\n

We also know that the Gemara <\/em>(Talmud) (Bava Metzia, 58b) states that anyone who whitens his fellow’s face (embarrasses or shames another) is considered as if he has killed him.<\/p>\n

From a Torah perspective, I think it is clear that we want to avoid phrases that do not promote peace and that shame others. But, as parents, how can we do this? How do we manage the intense “need” to be right, the need to say \u201cI told you so!\u201d?<\/p>\n

In other words: How can we respect and maintain the dignity of our children?<\/p>\n

Here are some ideas that can make it easier:<\/p>\n

“Sometimes it helps….”<\/strong><\/span><\/h3>\n

Instead of<\/span>:<\/em>\u00a0\u201cI told you to use a pencil first to write on the posterboard and then<\/em> use a marker. Now you have made a mess and that was our last posterboard!\u201d<\/p>\n

Try empathizing and saying<\/span>: \u201cSometimes it helps….” \u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cOh no! You forgot the rule about using a pencil first! You must be so frustrated. Sometimes it helps to make a flower or paste a picture over a mistake.\u201d<\/p>\n

What are you going to do?<\/strong><\/span><\/h3>\n

Instead of<\/span>:<\/em> \u201cYour teacher’s upset. She says you are the class clown and you are disruptive. I told you, save your jokes for recess and start paying attention in class!”<\/p>\n

Try this<\/span>: Empathize and ask, “What are you going to do?”<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cYou are not going to be happy about this: Your teacher called about your behavior in class. What are you going to do about this very serious problem?\u201d<\/p>\n

Affirm your belief that your child will change.<\/strong><\/span><\/h3>\n

Instead of<\/span>:\u00a0<\/em>\u201cI told you you should have put your snack in your backpack right away. Then you wouldn\u2019t have forgotten it!\u201d<\/p>\n

Try<\/span> empathizing and affirming your belief in your child that he or she will change:<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cI was so sad when I realized you didn\u2019t have your snack with you today. I was concerned about you being hungry the whole day. I am sure tomorrow you will put your snack in your bag right when I give it to you.\u201d<\/p>\n

Needing to be right is one of those quirks of human nature that can damage our relationships. Finding ways to manage those quirks in an intelligent way can help us maintain our dignity and the dignity of our children while nurturing the child\/parent relationship.<\/p>\n

\n

Adina Soclof<\/strong>, MS. CCC-SLP,\u00a0works as a Parent Educator for Bellefaire Jewish Children\u2019s Bureau facilitating\u00a0<\/em>How to Talk so Kids will Listen and Listen so Kids will Talk\u00a0workshops as well as workshops based on\u00a0<\/em>Siblings Without Rivalry. Adina also runs\u00a0parentingsimply.com<\/a>.<\/em><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

While tough to resist, these four words undermine our relationships with our kids–not to mention belittle and shame them. 3 ideas to communicate positively. <\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":720,"featured_media":55617,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[5],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-29520","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-parenting"],"yoast_head":"\nYes, You \u201cTold Them So.\u201d So What? - OU Life<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"While tough to resist, these four words undermine our relationships with our kids plus belittle and shame them. 3 ideas to communicate positively.\" \/>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/www.ou.org\/life\/parenting\/yes-you-told-them-so-what-adina-soclof\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"Yes, You \u201cTold Them So.\u201d So What? 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