{"id":29512,"date":"2012-10-19T00:13:24","date_gmt":"2012-10-19T00:13:24","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.ou.org\/life\/?p=29512"},"modified":"2017-02-16T07:05:07","modified_gmt":"2017-02-16T12:05:07","slug":"why-are-our-teens-going-off-derech-steven-pruzansky","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.ou.org\/life\/parenting\/why-are-our-teens-going-off-derech-steven-pruzansky\/","title":{"rendered":"Why Are Our Teens Going Off the Derech<\/em>?"},"content":{"rendered":"

King Solomon stated in his wisdom: \u201cTwo are better than one, for they get a greater return for their effort.\u201d But three are even better, \u201cfor the three-ply cord is not easily severed\u201d (Kohelet 4:9,12). The Midrash (Kohelet Raba 4) interprets this as applicable to family continuity: \u201cR. Ziera said that a family of scholars will produce scholars, and a family of Bnai Torah\u00a0<\/em>(“children of Torah”) will produce Bnai Torah<\/em>, and wealth will beget wealth, \u2018for the three-ply cord is not easily severed.\u2019\u201d One sage asked: didn\u2019t a well known family lose their wealth? To which R. Ziera responded: \u201cDid I say \u2018the three-ply cord is never<\/em> severed?\u2019 I said, ‘for the three-ply cord is not easily<\/em> severed.’\u201d<\/p>\n

But why should a three-ply cord \u2013 tough and durable \u2013 ever<\/em> be severed?<\/p>\n

A new unpublished study recently brought to my attention has challenging implications for the Torah world \u2013 to wit, that a substantial number of graduates of Modern Orthodox high schools are no longer Shabbat- or kashrut<\/em>– observant within two years of their graduation.<\/p>\n

Another study from last year reported the not-quite-shocking news that 25% of those graduates who attend secular colleges assimilate during college and completely abandon Torah and mitzvot <\/em>(Jewish law).<\/p>\n

Those are frightening statistics that should cause us all to shudder. Perhaps the numbers are less dire than they seem on the surface. For sure, a not-insignificant percentage of students enter those high schools already lacking in Shabbat observance \u2013 their families are not observant \u2013 and they leave the same way. Other teens already fall off the derech<\/em> (Orthodox “path”)\u00a0while in high school \u2013 a more exacting study would measure their observance level at graduation and then two years later. But, undoubtedly, many slide off the path of Torah as soon as they gain a modicum of autonomy. Just as certain, there are some who return to Torah years later as well.<\/p>\n

What are we missing? What are we lacking? What are we failing to provide them after spending hundreds of thousands of dollars per child on their Jewish education? What is going wrong? And how can it be rectified?<\/p>\n

<\/a><\/p>\n

It needs to be stated that parents who look to blame the schools, the shuls, the youth groups, the rabbis, the teachers, and\/or the greater community are looking in the wrong place. They should start by looking in the mirror.\u00a0That should be obvious, because parents have the primary obligation of educating their children \u2013 \u201cYou shall teach [these words] to your children to speak of them\u2026\u201d (Devarim 11:19).\u00a0Even if parents delegate this task, they still remain primarily responsible.<\/p>\n

And of course, the general disclaimer always pertains in these matters: there are perfect parents whose kids go off the derech\u00a0<\/em>and horrendous parents (absolute scoundrels) whose children are righteous and scholarly. Even such illustrious people as Yitzchak and Rivka produced one of each \u2013 a tzaddik\u00a0<\/em>(righteous individual) and a scoundrel. There is no panacea, and we can only talk about the majority. There will always be exceptions.<\/p>\n

To me, it all goes back to basics \u2013 not just what the parents say, but what parents say and do. The \u201cchut hameshulash<\/em>\u201d \u2013 the \u201cthree-ply cord\u201d of our world \u2013\u00a0is Torah study, prayer and Shabbat \u2013 and in no particular order.<\/p>\n

Children who see their parents prioritize shul \u2013 not once or twice a week, but every day \u2013 see shul as a value. Children who see their parents attend shul once a week and primarily socialize and converse while there see shul as a place to meet their friends. When older, they can just bypass the middleman and go straight to their friends.<\/p>\n

Similarly, children who see parents learning Torah during their leisure time perceive learning as a value. Children whose Shabbat is different than the other days of the week \u2013 the Shabbat table is different, the conversation is laden with talk of Torah, ideas, values, and zemirot<\/em>\u00a0(hymns) instead of idle chitchat, sports, and gossip \u2013 experience a different Shabbat. It\u2019s just a different day. When Shabbat is not observed as a different day, it stops being a different day.<\/p>\n

I have noticed that there are teens who simply do not daven\u00a0<\/em>(pray) \u2013 they will converse the whole time \u2013 and invariably they are the children of fathers who themselves don\u2019t stop talking in shul. Children who roam the halls of the synagogue Shabbat morning are invariably the offspring of parents who roam the halls. Like father, like son.<\/p>\n

And something else: too many teenagers have absolutely no concept of bigdei<\/em>\u00a0Shabbat \u2013 the obligation to wear special clothing on Shabbat. I am not even referring to wearing ties and jackets, although that is clearly perceived as dignified dress in America. Many teens come to shul dressed in weekday clothing, even on the lower end of what might be called \u201cschool casual.\u201d<\/p>\n

How do parents not impress upon their children from their earliest youth with the idea of Shabbat clothing? That is part of what makes Shabbat different. Every child \u2013 girl or boy \u2013 should have clothing specially designated for Shabbat, ideally a jacket and tie for boys and a nice dress for girls.<\/p>\n

At age five, I put on a suit and tie for Shabbat, and never looked back. How are children allowed to leave the house on Shabbat as if it is a Sunday \u2013 whether it is to attend shul in the morning or meet their friends in the afternoon?<\/p>\n

Are we then surprised when Shabbat for them becomes \u201cnot Shabbat\u201d? Their whole experience of Shabbat is being told what they can\u2019t do, incarcerated for two hours in the morning in a place where they don\u2019t want to be, to then eat a meal that might be devoid of spiritual substance, the day salvaged only when they meet their friends who have had similar experiences.<\/p>\n

But if Shabbat is not a different day, then apparently the moment the child gains his independence, or a moment or two after that, his Shabbat becomes Saturday, which, combined with Sunday and Friday night, makes for a long, fun and enjoyable weekend. The 15-year-old who walks around the streets Shabbat afternoon in shorts and sneakers will likely not be observing Shabbat when he is 20. But no one will make the connection then \u2013 so make it now.<\/p>\n

\u201cFor the three-ply cord is not easily severed.\u201d The three-ply cord of Torah, tefilah<\/em> (prayer) and Shabbat is not easily undone. The survey is not as surprising as is the persistent reluctance to draw the obvious conclusions. Instead we cast a wide net looking for the suspects.\u00a0George Orwell famously wrote that \u201cto see what is in front of one\u2019s nose needs a constant struggle.\u201d<\/p>\n

The good news is that we need not look very far for solutions. If the parent wants the child to learn Torah, then the parent should learn Torah. If the parent wants the child to daven\u00a0<\/em>, then the parent should daven<\/em>. If the parent wants the child to enjoy Shabbat as a holy, special day, then the parent should make Shabbat into a holy, special day.<\/p>\n

Perhaps there is an even more important idea. The Midrash (ibid) also states: \u201cTwo are better than one \u2013 that is, a man and his wife who are better than each alone, but the \u2018third cord\u2019 (that fortifies the first two) is G-d who provides them with children.\u201d<\/p>\n

Parents have to convey to their children beginning in infancy a sense of G-d\u2019s immanence, a sense of the godly in life, and a Jewish identity that is rooted in the Torah that Moshe commanded us. From day one, it should be inculcated in our\u00a0children that what they do matters before G-d, and that mitzvot<\/em> are not just performances but points of connection to the Creator.<\/p>\n

Anything can happen. There are no guarantees in life, and each person is endowed with free choice.\u00a0But when parents enlist G-d in their parenting \u2013 not as the Source of All Guilt and Dire Punishment, but as the Source of \u201cthe Heritage of the Congregation of Yaakov\u201d \u2013\u00a0then there’s a three-ply cord. And \u201cthe three-ply cord is not easily severed.\u201d<\/p>\n

What we want for our children, our greatest priority \u2013 is the summation of our lives: not that they should necessarily attend Columbia, Harvard or Yale, or become doctors, lawyers, rabbis, or businessmen, but rather \u201cthe sum of the matter, when all has been considered, is to fear G-d and keep His commandments\u2026\u201d (Kohelet 12:13).<\/p>\n

When we speak with pride not of, \u201cMy son, the doctor,\u201d or, \u201cMy daughter, the lawyer,\u201d but find our true pride in, \u201cMy son, the G-d-fearing Jew\u201d and, \u201cMy daughter the shomeret<\/em>\u00a0(observer of)\u00a0mitzvot<\/em>,\u201d then we and they will be prepared for the great era ahead, when G-d\u2019s name will be made great and exalted before the nations.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Read what OU President Dr. Simcha Katz says about this topic at\u00a0Jewish Action<\/em>:\u00a0Touching Our Teens’<\/em> Neshamos<\/a>.<\/strong><\/p>\n

Read what Jack Lew tells group of Jewish teens about their religion<\/a>.<\/strong><\/p>\n

\n

Rabbi Steven Pruzansky<\/strong>\u00a0is the spiritual leader of Congregation Bnai Yeshurun in Teaneck, New Jersey. He is a member of the New York and Federal Bars and<\/em>\u00a0is a trustee of the RCA<\/a> on the Board of the Beth Din of America<\/a>, as well as a\u00a0<\/em>dayan\u00a0on the Beth Din itself.<\/em>\u00a0He also is a member of the Rabbinical Alliance of America.<\/em><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Fifty percent of the graduates of Modern Orthodox high schools are no longer Shabbat- or kashrut<\/em>– observant within two years of their graduation. What are we missing? <\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":745,"featured_media":29517,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[5],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-29512","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-parenting"],"yoast_head":"\nWhy Are Our Teens Going Off the Derech? - OU Life<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"Half the graduates of Modern Orthodox high schools are no longer Shabbat- or kashrut- observant within two years of their graduation. 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Previously, Rabbi Pruzansky was for nine years the spiritual leader of Congregation Etz Chaim in Kew Gardens Hills, New York. While in New York, he served a two-year term as President of the Vaad Harabonim (Rabbinical Board) of Queens. Rabbi Pruzansky graduated from Columbia University in 1978 with a B.A. in history, and received a Juris Doctor degree from the Benjamin Cardozo School of Law in 1981. He practiced law for 13 years as a general practitioner and litigator in New York City until assuming his current pulpit. He is a member of the New York and Federal Bars, and is admitted to practice before the United States Supreme Court. Rabbi Pruzansky studied in yeshivot in Israel and the United States, and was ordained at Yeshiva Bnei Torah of Far Rockaway, New York under the guidance of Rabbi Yisrael Chait, shlit\u201da. A past President of the Rabbinical Council of Bergen County and currently the treasurer, he also served as a Vice-President of the Rabbinical Council of America. He is a trustee of the RCA on the Board of the Beth Din of America, as well as a dayan on the Beth Din itself. He also is a member of the Rabbinical Alliance of America, and served as the American co-spokesman for the International Rabbinic Coalition for Israel. Rabbi Pruzansky served on the Board of Directors of the Jerusalem Reclamation Project, and received their Rabbinic Leadership Award at their 1995 Jerusalem Day banquet. He presently is on the Board of Directors of Pro Israel and the One Israel Fund, and received the latter\u2019s Rabbi Zvi Yehuda Kook Rabbinic Leadership Award at their 1997 Unity Dinner. He has also been honored by the Orthodox Union, the Bet El Yeshiva Center located in Bet El, Israel, Ezras Torah, the Destiny Foundation, and several other Jewish and community organizations. He has served since 2005 on Teaneck\u2019s Civilian Complaint Review Board. He writes extensively on topics of Jewish interest and has lectured in more than 20 countries. Rabbi Pruzansky is the author of \u201cA Prophet for Today: Contemporary Lessons of the Book of Yehoshua\u201d (Gefen Publishing House, 2006), and the \u201cJudges for our Time: Contemporary Lessons of the Book of Shoftim (Gefen Publishing House, 2009).\u201d He resides in Teaneck with his wife Karen, a speech-language pathologist, and is the proud father of four married children and eight grandchildren.","url":"https:\/\/www.ou.org\/life\/author\/stevenpruzansky-me\/"}]}},"acf":[],"brizy_media":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.ou.org\/life\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/29512","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.ou.org\/life\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.ou.org\/life\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.ou.org\/life\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/745"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.ou.org\/life\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=29512"}],"version-history":[{"count":2,"href":"https:\/\/www.ou.org\/life\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/29512\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":55619,"href":"https:\/\/www.ou.org\/life\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/29512\/revisions\/55619"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.ou.org\/life\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/29517"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.ou.org\/life\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=29512"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.ou.org\/life\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=29512"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.ou.org\/life\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=29512"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}