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<\/a>But as we try to teach this behavior, we often run into a problem.\u00a0As a parent, I know I sometimes force my children to say they are sorry when they really aren\u2019t. It can be pretty uncomfortable when our children make a social faux pas. Sometimes my embarrassment over my child\u2019s behavior causes me to act more strictly than I should.\u00a0I know I have also felt pressure from other parents or relatives to make my kids say they are sorry.<\/p>\nUnfortunately, forcing children to apologize teaches them to be insincere. One parent educator contends that it teaches them to lie. Why? Because children are usually not sorry for their behavior; they are often too angry to care.<\/p>\n
Children may also use the word \u201csorry\u201d to get themselves out of trouble. They know if they say they are sorry without meaning it, their parents will stop bothering them.<\/p>\n
Sometimes children actually do feel bad about what they did. But then their parents may overreact and ruin their natural remorse. Kids then go on the defense and misbehave even more.<\/p>\n
So what can we do? Is there a way we can we teach kids to say sorry sincerely?<\/p>\n
I think it helps if we clarify the lesson that we want to teach our children. Our ultimate goal is not for our kids to say the word “sorry.” We want them to show that they are truly sorry for what they have done. We want to help them repair the damage they have inflicted onto others. We want them to recognize that saying they’re sorry means that they regret what they have done because they have hurt another human being.<\/p>\n
Does it sound like an overwhelming task? It doesn’t have to be. Here are four ways that we can teach our children the right way to be sorry:<\/p>\n
1) Give the child the benefit of the doubt.\u00a0<\/strong>As I am sure you know, forcing your children to say they are sorry, even when they really are, can set you up for a power struggle. Often when we say, \u201cTell Sara you are sorry!\u201d your child will refuse to cooperate–she needs a way to save face. Children can run away and hide, laugh nervously, get angry or say,\u00a0\u201cShe deserved it because she was bothering me.\u201d\u00a0\u201cI hate her and I will never say I am sorry!\u201d<\/p>\n Then the battle is on. To avoid that we need to be as gentle with the perpetrator as we are with the victim.<\/p>\n We can give the benefit of the doubt by assigning positive intent and speaking in a non-confrontational manner:<\/p>\n \u201cI am sure you didn\u2019t mean to make Mikey mad and hurt his feelings. You see that he is crying and sad. It is important to say you are sorry when you hurt someone. It shows that you care. You might want to do that now.\u201d<\/p>\n 2) Actions speak louder than words.\u00a0<\/strong>Even after a child apologizes, it is better if we can encourage them to follow up with an action that truly shows they are remorseful. Parents can say, \u201cTelling Jack you are sorry is a great first step. Is there anything you can do to show him that you are sorry?\u201d<\/p>\n Younger children may need some help figuring out ways to demonstrate their emotions. We can offer them some options:<\/p>\n \u201cYou pulled Ari\u2019s hair, so you can make him feel better by making nice to his head. Here, I will show you how.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cYou might want to buy Micah a new ball with your allowance or you can give him one of your own. How do you think that would work?\u201d<\/p>\n It takes a little more tact with older kids. Parents can try saying:<\/p>\n \u201cI don\u2019t want to get into your business. The problem is Sara was upset about what you said about her dress. You might want to throw a kind word her way.\u201d<\/p>\n 3) Plan for the future.\u00a0<\/strong>When children make mistakes we can use it as an opportunity to teach them that they are in control of improving their behavior. We want to let them know that we have faith that they can react appropriately in difficult situations.<\/p>\n After we have helped them make amends we can say, \u201cThe next time that Sara says your picture is silly, is there a better way you can handle it, instead of hitting her? Do you think you can find your words and say ‘I don\u2019t like being made fun of!’ instead of using your hands?”<\/p>\n For older kids you can say, \u201cI know you felt bad when you found the notes Eli borrowed all crumpled in the bottom of your backpack. I am sure that you will find a way to make sure it doesn\u2019t happen again.\u201d<\/p>\n When parents gently review children\u2019s behavior they give children an opportunity to learn from their experiences. Children can then make plans and have goals on how to make amends in the future.<\/p>\n 4) Role model.\u00a0<\/strong>The best way to teach kids anything is through role modeling. They learn best by watching us. Children need to see their parents act genuinely contrite in order to learn the meaning of being truly remorseful.<\/p>\n I know I have plenty of opportunities to model this type of behavior. In the course of the day, I say things I don\u2019t mean, yell because I am tired and accuse my kids falsely\u00a0(Related:\u00a0<\/strong>4 Ways to Avoid Losing It With Your Kids<\/a><\/em>). I know that if meaningfully say I am sorry in all these situations, it teaches my kids a valuable lesson. It is a live example of what they can do when they mess up and hurt someone\u2019s feelings.<\/p>\n Parents can say:<\/p>\n \u201cI am sorry I yelled before. I was tired and seeing the mess set me off. I wish I would have been able to tell you calmly what I needed.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI am sorry I accused you of leaving the milk out. I should have given you the benefit of the doubt.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI am sorry I hurt your feelings. I overreacted before. Sometimes I say things that I shouldn\u2019t.\u201d<\/p>\n Giving kids the benefit of the doubt, teaching them to show their remorse, helping them plan to be better in the future and role modeling are all ways we can teach our children to be sorry–sincerely.<\/p>\n
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