{"id":29356,"date":"2012-09-13T04:44:42","date_gmt":"2012-09-13T04:44:42","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.ou.org\/life\/?p=29356"},"modified":"2017-02-15T04:38:10","modified_gmt":"2017-02-15T09:38:10","slug":"the-right-match-filling-the-gaps-in-the-shidduch-process-lisa-twerski","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.ou.org\/life\/relationships\/dating\/the-right-match-filling-the-gaps-in-the-shidduch-process-lisa-twerski\/","title":{"rendered":"The Right Match? Filling the Gaps in the Shidduch Process"},"content":{"rendered":"

Although marital discord can be\u00a0attributed to lack of preparation, insufficient effort, or inappropriate expectations, marriages often fail because the couple is simply not a match. While the dating approach in most segments of the frum community is intended to ensure a thorough assessment of suitability between two people, there are important areas of compatibility which tend to be overlooked.<\/p>\n

On its face, the\u00a0shidduch<\/em>\u00a0system appears to be very efficient and effective. Multiple levels of checking are completed before the couple even meets. The couple then spends time together, exploring whether they enjoy each other\u2019s company, determining whether their\u00a0hashkafos<\/em>\u00a0match and whether they share common life and family goals, and finally \u201ctalking\u00a0tachlis<\/em>\u201d (making plans). Often, however, there are significant flaws in how the dating process is handled, and frequently-critical considerations get simply left out of the equation.<\/p>\n

Emotional Compatibility<\/strong><\/span><\/h3>\n

Although the\u00a0shidduch<\/em>\u00a0system presumes a fair degree of research and consideration before a couple decides to date, the range of issues studied often neglects to focus on the most central dimensions of selecting a spouse.\u00a0 Couples and their families frequently fail to explore both the emotional compatibility of the couple, as well as whether each of them has developed the qualities necessary to create and maintain a healthy marriage.<\/p>\n

That is not to suggest that other areas of focus are not also important. For example, there\u00a0is<\/em>\u00a0typically much exploration around spiritual compatibility. This can include each person\u2019s values and\u00a0hashkafos<\/em>, the kind of community they want to join, the nature of the home they want to have, the career types that might be acceptable for husband or wife, and what kinds of schools they would choose for their children.<\/p>\n

There is also a lot of discussion of familial compatibility, which typically includes religious styles, culture, parental roles and relations with siblings and extended family. Intellectual compatibility is another area that is often discussed. This may include intelligence, but should also address general interests, the type of things they each enjoy doing or feel is important to do, use of free time, and what each finds interesting, amusing, important, boring or a waste of time.<\/p>\n

\"\"<\/a>While all of these areas of compatibility \u2013 both the broader and more specific dimensions \u2013 are important in determining suitability, they are not enough. Perhaps because it is harder to quantify, emotional compatibility frequently is not even on the radar screen of either the couple or their families. Every person has his or her emotional orientation, defined as the way one reacts to the world and life issues inevitably confronted. For example, some people are high strung, nervous, and excitable. Others are more laid back, or even-keeled. Some are happy-go-lucky, and likely to take things in stride, while others are more thoughtful and introspective, deeply affected by events. Some people are expressive, wearing their emotions on their sleeves, while others are more reserved. And, of course, each person\u2019s emotional make-up is a nuanced combination of all these and other tendencies.<\/p>\n

Emotional\u00a0compatibility\u00a0<\/em>exists when two people\u2019s emotional styles blend and fit in such a way that makes them feel comfortable in their relationship. When this emotional \u2018fit\u2019 is present, negotiating life\u2019s inevitable bumps and challenges goes more smoothly, and each finds a sense of fulfillment sharing their lives with the other.<\/p>\n

The challenge, of course, is in determining the type of person with whom one is likely to be compatible. For those in a community in which non-marriage relationships with the opposite gender are not common, this might seem particularly challenging. However, emotional compatibility is not limited to the marriage relationship; it is encountered through the many relationships one has as a child, teenager and young adult. The first step in considering with whom one is emotionally compatibility is, therefore, reviewing the kinds of people with whom one has tended to form close friendships. Are there patterns in the type of buddies one chooses in school, yeshiva, camp, summer jobs, or the neighborhood? While people often have a wide circle of friends, there are always those closest few, with whom one shares the most. For most people, a pattern can be identified, which is indicative of a person\u2019s tendencies and needs.<\/p>\n

It is important to stress, however, that not all patterns of friendships in someone\u2019s life should be replicated in a marriage. In fact, there are many who struggle mightily in their adolescent and post-adolescent friendships. The following questions might be helpful when using a pattern of friendships to determine with whom one might be compatible:<\/p>\n