{"id":28398,"date":"2012-08-01T16:24:06","date_gmt":"2012-08-01T16:24:06","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.ou.org\/life\/?p=28398"},"modified":"2017-01-29T01:19:48","modified_gmt":"2017-01-29T06:19:48","slug":"too-strict-teachers-making-children-go-astray-eliyahu-safran","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.ou.org\/life\/parenting\/too-strict-teachers-making-children-go-astray-eliyahu-safran\/","title":{"rendered":"Ve’Shinantam Le’Vanecha<\/em>: Can We Do Any Better?"},"content":{"rendered":"

What does it mean to really teach, not merely stand in front of a classroom filled with students? \u00a0To make a world come alive for your students and not simply transfer information; to fully engage a student so that his life, and yours, are enlarged? \u00a0To be a true teacher is to establish a relationship of respect and trust between you and your student.<\/p>\n

Too often, teachers firmly believe that respect is a one-way street that it is incumbent upon the student to come to the relationship with respect and the teacher\u2019s to receive respect. \u00a0But it is the teacher\u2019s responsibility to establish and nurture that respectful relationship. \u00a0Rambam suggests as much in Hilchot Talmud Torah<\/em>: \u00a0K\u2019shem shehatalmidim chayavim l\u2019chabed ha\u2019rav, kach ha\u2019rav tzarich l\u2019chabed es talmidav u\u2019lkarvan<\/em> \u2013 \u201cJust as the students are obligated to honor the rebbe, so must the rebbe honor his students and draw them near.\u201d\u00a0\u00a0Even more than honor, Rambam adds that the teacher need be careful with his students and love them, since they are the children who give him pleasure in this world, as well as the next. The keys to successful teaching are kavod<\/em> \u00a0(honor), kiruv<\/em> (drawing them near), zehirus<\/em> (care and concern) and ahavah<\/em> (love).<\/p>\n

Too often, our teachers teach as though their students are obligated to them rather than they being obligated to their students. \u00a0At best, they treat their students as passive vessels to be badgered as they are filled with information. \u00a0And should they fall short\u2026? \u00a0They treat them as being unworthy of their time and attention.<\/p>\n

But I ask, can a young man fail at being a Jew?<\/p>\n

Is a student any less a Jew if he performs poorly in his studies or if he behaves incorrigibly? \u00a0Is his soul worth any less to G-d? \u00a0Is he any less dear to his mother and father? \u00a0Is he to be banished for his failings? \u00a0Or should ways be found to hold on to him, knowing that each and every soul is worth the whole of creation?<\/p>\n

Sadly, these are not theoretical questions. \u00a0Too often, yeshivot<\/em>\u00a0(Jewish schools) administrators and teachers lash out at students in anger and rigidity rather than showing them the devotion and concern Rambam counseled. \u00a0Sometimes, to tragic ends. \u00a0According to an account, reported exclusively by Kikar Shabbat<\/em>, a young man had attended a respected school five years ago. \u00a0While the young man was studying at the yeshiva<\/em>, his father fell seriously ill and was hospitalized for a period of time. \u00a0The young man, who was not a model student before his father\u2019s hospitalization, struggled more after this increased emotional stress in his family.\"Empty<\/p>\n

Did the young man\u2019s teachers and yeshiva<\/em> administrators reach out to him or to his family? \u00a0Did they show needed sensitivity or compassion? \u00a0By all accounts, no, which, in turn, only served to worsen his emotional state.<\/p>\n

This is when things truly began to unravel in this young man\u2019s life. \u00a0Rather than show its student rachmanut<\/em>, compassion, as his emotional stress was reflected in his behavior and performance, the yeshiva<\/em> expelled him beginning a story which has no happy ending. \u00a0As a young adult, this former student took his own life.<\/p>\n

His brother had no doubt where to place the blame for this tragic loss:<\/p>\n

\n

I learned in the same school and I know the situation first hand. \u00a0The teachers killed him. I remember that period very well, when he wanted to come back to school and they did not permit him to. Even if a child is a joker and troublemaker, they must know how to deal with him and not to break him.<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n

Bitter words. \u00a0Hard words. \u00a0Words, admittedly, expressed during a time of extreme grief. \u00a0However, there is one point that resonates true, that needs to be examined. \u00a0\u201c[They] must know how to deal with him and not to break him.\u201d<\/p>\n

When did our teachers cease to love transmitting knowledge and become, instead, masters of discipline? \u00a0When did we stop seeing our children as priceless and unique and instead come to view them as fanatical automatons?<\/p>\n

When a student does not respond to one style of teaching, why is it the student who must bend? \u00a0Why must he conform to a teaching style, rather than the teaching style adapt to him? \u00a0\u00a0There are those who look askance at such \u201cliberal\u201d and \u201cpermissive\u201d learning methods. \u00a0But is it so wrong to provide a variety of learning menus for those students, those innocent young children with precious Jewish neshamot<\/em>, souls, who simply can\u2019t meet the yeshiva<\/em>\u2019s methods and expectations for whatever reason?<\/p>\n

A demonstration of genuine love and concern for the talmid\u00a0<\/em>(student) would be to provide a full spectrum of learning opportunities. \u00a0These could include Talmud, but also Chumash, Navi, machshava\u00a0<\/em>(thought), hashkafa<\/em> (religious outlook), the works of musar\u00a0<\/em>(character improvement) and, an introduction to practical skills necessary for eventual parnasah needs.<\/p>\n

About such students, those who are shunned by their teachers, Rav Ovadya Yosef asks, \u201cWhom are you throwing out? A rock? \u00a0Some accumulated trash?\u201d<\/p>\n

Worse, to what environment are we throwing them? \u00a0To a world teeming with sin and squalor, to a world filled with drugs and senseless temptation. \u00a0To a place that will only bring them further down.<\/p>\n

What does it say about us that we treat our students thus? \u00a0Rav Shmuel Brudny, one of the most esteemed Roshei Yeshiva<\/em> in Brooklyn’s Mir<\/em> always stood up when approached by a student! \u00a0Imagine! \u00a0He would never remain seated when speaking to any of his students. \u00a0What love and honor he communicated to them in that simple, determined gesture of respect!<\/p>\n

Fine and good for a prominent and beloved rabbi, but what of the exhausted and beleaguered teacher? \u00a0After all, it is all fine and good to elevate teaching to such a high spiritual level in theory, or as the behavior for the blessed few. \u00a0But in practice, teaching is hard work. \u00a0Students come to class with a myriad of problems and issues that seem far beyond the scope of the teacher to solve or even address.<\/p>\n

Yes, teaching is challenging. \u00a0Very. \u00a0But it is never wise to conclude that your student’s problems and issues have no solution. \u00a0Every child can be reached. \u00a0This must be the fundamental belief and strategy of every teacher. \u00a0Perhaps it appears impossible with\u00a0the traditional methods but it need not be so with more creative, caring methods. \u00a0Every child can be reached. \u00a0Every Jew prays daily \u201cV\u2019haer\u00a0eineinu b\u2019Toratecha<\/em>\u201d \u2013 light up our eyes with Your Torah. \u00a0Each of us can be turned on to the light of Torah. \u00a0If not, why beseech G-d for the light?\u00a0 The key to teaching is finding the right switch to turn on that light \u2013 to fully identify with the student, to understand where he is \u201ccoming from.\u201d<\/p>\n

When you can see and sense what your student does, then you will find the solution to how to teach him. \u00a0Is it really so radical to ask that the teacher reach out to the student? \u00a0Is it so unconventional for a teacher to \u201cwalk a mile\u201d in the shoes of his student so that he can better help them see the light of Torah?<\/p>\n

Too often, we teach as if our students were not living, breathing human beings but some defined quantity of \u201cstudent\u201d to simply stuff with knowledge. \u00a0Where, in that, is the dignity of learning? \u00a0Of teaching?<\/p>\n

Rav Pam speaks of the introduction of R\u2019 Akiva Eiger to his Teshuvos,\u00a0<\/em>Responsa, wherein his children describe his guidelines for publishing his responses. Among those guidelines was the instruction that they delete all honorary titles addressed to him in the letters asking the questions, being that many of the sha\u2019ilot\u00a0<\/em>(questions) had been posed by his very many talmidim<\/em> who eventually became rabbis in various European communities; in the printed sefer he insisted that none be addressed as talmidi<\/em> \u2013 my student. \u00a0\u201cI never called anyone \u2018my student\u2019 because who could know who learned more from whom, me from them or them from me?\u201d<\/p>\n

If we only shared this same humility, respect and love of our students. \u00a0Talmidim<\/em> are quite literally thrown out to the streets like so much discarded trash. \u00a0And the community\u2019s response? \u00a0Sure, we bemoan all the teens at risk out there. \u00a0It\u2019s terrible. \u00a0A shanda<\/em>, a shame. \u00a0But do we ever stop to ask, How did they get there? \u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

We remain silent even as louder and more pronounced \u201cthreats\u201d are voiced. \u00a0Students who do not conform will not be allowed back in the yeshiva<\/em>, nor will their siblings be allowed to attend for fear they might bring \u201cimpurities\u201d from their homes into the school! \u00a0Wouldn\u2019t it benefit ourselves and our students to embrace the sentiments of Rav Yosef Dov Soloveitchik who taught that:<\/p>\n

\n

Teaching involves more than the transmission of knowledge and understanding. It requires empathy between teacher and student, and a sharing of feelings, thought and motives. There is an interaction of personalities, an exchange of values and insights.<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n

To teach is to know how to unlock not only the mind, but the heart, feeling and interest of every student, as well. “What we require,” Rav Soloveitchik continued, “is the warm embrace as much as the brilliant idea; sympathetic understanding, true befriending, and a human reaching out: a suggestion that we care; the teaching role is inadequate.\u201d<\/p>\n

Rather than seek to unlock the heart of their students, yeshivot<\/em> lock their doors to them and throw them out. \u00a0Do they ever think, Where should they go and what will become of these \u201cthrow-aways\u201d?<\/p>\n

It wasn\u2019t so long ago that we embraced every student who was willing to sign up for yeshiva<\/em>; only a short few decades ago that we feared the day would come when we would have to close our yeshivot<\/em> for lack of students. \u00a0And now? \u00a0Yeshivot<\/em> are greedy for more classroom space to accommodate the multitudes of students. \u00a0The thinking seems to be, We have more than enough students to spare. \u00a0We have the \u201cluxury\u201d of being \u201cchoosey\u201d; of throwing out all who do not conform to our strict standards. \u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

So, indeed, where do they go when we throw them out?<\/p>\n

Of all our questions, this is the easiest to answer for the answer stares us in the face every single day. \u00a0We see and meet the expelled talmidim<\/em> on the street corners and avenues of all major Orthodox neighborhoods, entrenched in all that is ugly and foreign to Torah life. \u00a0Instead of turning away, pause and speak to these young men. \u00a0Ask them, How did you get here?<\/em><\/p>\n

You will hear the answer openly and honestly. \u00a0\u201cThey threw me out of the yeshiva<\/em>.\u201d<\/p>\n

What offense committed in yeshiva<\/em> deserves such a fate?<\/p>\n

Look where our children end up, on the streets! \u00a0WHAT IS OUT THERE?! We must hold and keep our children in our embrace, nurture them, help them become good Jews.\u00a0No one ever entering a classroom with this mission statement as his or her credo would ever consider allowing a student to fall by the way side into the street. \u00a0But how do we hold on to them?<\/p>\n

Rav Ovadya Yosef counseled patience:<\/p>\n

\n

Don\u2019t throw them out. \u00a0We are dealing with nefashos<\/i>\u00a0(souls)! \u00a0This is dinei\u00a0<\/em>nefashos<\/i>\u00a0(category of Jewish law dealing with capitol punishment). \u00a0Our Rabbonim only addressed dinei\u00a0<\/em>nefashos<\/i>\u00a0when there was a Sanhedrin, 23 chachamim<\/em>. This is dinei\u00a0<\/em>nefashos<\/i>. You throw him out and what will be with him then? \u00a0You know what will be? \u00a0Do you accept responsibility for what he will become?<\/p>\n

Therefore, you must love him and smother him with love\u2026 bring them closer with sweet words and this is how we bring them into the Torah fold.<\/p>\n

Think of this child as your son, what would you do? You would tolerate him! This is a son, your son! Ve\u2019shinantam le\u2019vanecha<\/em>\u00a0(and you should teach it to your children) refers to your students.<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n

The power and importance of Rav Yosef\u2019s counsel can be found in an article in Ami Magazine. \u00a0The article, which I paraphrase here, was related by Sarah Pachter and concerned an incident that happened long ago in a yeshiva<\/em> in which a young student had been caught smoking\u2026 on Shabbat! \u00a0The mere mention of the trespass seemed so blasphemous as to make one shudder. \u00a0Certainly such an offender would be expelled from the yeshiva<\/em>, never again to study a daf Gemara<\/em>, a page of Talmud.<\/p>\n

That is what would happen today, for a much lesser transgression. \u00a0But that is not what happened. \u00a0As the story was told, before such an outcome could unfold, the transgressor found himself briefly in the company of the Chofetz Chaim. \u00a0What happened during those brief moments when the two were together remained known only to the two of them. \u00a0What was known to the young man\u2019s classmates was that he returned to yeshiva<\/em> a few minutes later, reopened his Gemara<\/em> and from that moment forward dedicated himself to his studies with devotion and determination.<\/p>\n

In fact, he eventually became a rav.<\/p>\n

Such an unexpected outcome! \u00a0What had the Chofetz Chaim said to this young profligate? \u00a0What could he have said, what could anyone have said that had the power to transform a person in such a short time? \u00a0The answer to this question puzzled many; and they often considered it as they went about their own lives over the years and decades that followed.<\/p>\n

And then, many years later, it happened that another rabbi was delivering a Shabbat afternoon lecture in a hotel in Miami. \u00a0On this particular Shabbat, post-afternoon nap and post-Mincha, the room was filled with participants. \u00a0The rabbi began with a quote from the Gemara<\/em> where Rabbi Tarfon says, \u201cI doubt that there is anyone in this generation who accepts reproach. If you tell someone, \u2018Remove the splinter from between your teeth,\u2019 he will retort, \u2018Remove the beam from between your eyes.\u2019\u201d<\/p>\n

In the context of this quote, he recounted a story he had once heard, a story of a time the Chofetz Chaim had touched the heart of a wayward bochur in Radun with the most amazing results. \u00a0\u201cAnd although we don\u2019t know what the Chofetz Chaim said, we do know that the young boy stayed in yeshiva<\/em> and was later ordained by the Chofetz Chaim himself.\u201d<\/p>\n

The rabbi then proceeded with the rest of his drasha<\/em>, sermon. \u00a0When he was finished, an older man rose and slowly approached him. \u00a0Shaking the rabbi\u2019s hand, the man asked him where he knew the story from.<\/p>\n

The rabbi shrugged. \u00a0\u201cTo tell you the truth, I\u2019m not really sure where I heard it. Maybe I read it somewhere a long time ago. What\u2019s more, I can\u2019t even verify its authenticity, but there\u2019s a great message to be learned there.\u201d<\/p>\n

A faraway look took over the elderly man\u2019s mien. \u00a0\u201cOh, the story is true; there\u2019s no doubt about that. I was just curious where you knew it from.\u201d \u00a0Then he sighed. \u00a0\u201cI didn\u2019t realize anyone still remembered it…except for me.\u201d \u00a0He raised his eyes to the rabbi and held him in his gaze. \u00a0\u201cI was that young man.\u201d<\/p>\n

The rabbi looked at him, astonished. \u00a0Without waiting, the old man went on to say how, as a young man, he had wanted to break free from the yeshiva<\/em>, to see and experience the world. \u00a0He got no joy or pleasure from his studies; no meaning. \u00a0But his parents were adamant. \u00a0Being determined, he decided that, if he could not leave on his own accord, he would do something that would force the yeshiva<\/em> to send him away.<\/p>\n

And so he did.<\/p>\n

The rabbi listened with deep consideration until the old man paused. \u00a0\u201cSo, nu<\/em>, tell me. What earth-shattering insights did the Chofetz Chaim share that caused you to change direction so suddenly?\u201d<\/p>\n

The older man smiled even as his eyes misted over with the power of that long ago moment. \u00a0\u201cHe said, \u2018Shabbos.\u2019\u201d<\/p>\n

The rabbi\u2019s eyes arched questioningly.<\/p>\n

The old man nodded. \u00a0\u201cThat is all. \u00a0He said, \u2018Shabbos\u2019 and then he began to cry. \u00a0How his tears splashed down! \u00a0He took me in his arms, hugged me, and repeated the one word, \u2018Shabbos.\u2019 It was not the length of time his \u2018reproach\u2019 took; it was its intensity, the largeness of his heart.<\/p>\n

\u201cAnd then it was all over. As he walked me to the door I was suddenly filled with the feeling that there was obviously nothing more important in the world than Shabbos. If the Chofetz Chaim loved it, then I loved it too. It was as simple as that.\u201d<\/p>\n

If one is to teach, this is the lesson he must learn.<\/p>\n

Love. \u00a0Caring. \u00a0Joy. \u00a0These will return a reprobate to the fold; not punishment, not banishment.<\/p>\n

\n

Rabbi Dr. Eliyahu Safran<\/strong> serves as OU Kosher\u2019s vice president of communications and marketing.<\/em><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Is a prevalent teaching style making kids go astray? We may need to rethink our approach.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":363,"featured_media":55212,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"_cloudinary_featured_overwrite":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[5],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-28398","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-parenting"],"yoast_head":"\nVe'Shinantam Le'Vanecha: Can We Do Any Better? - OU Life<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"Is a prevalent teaching style making kids go astray? 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