{"id":25396,"date":"2012-06-14T02:56:29","date_gmt":"2012-06-14T02:56:29","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.ou.org\/life\/?p=25396"},"modified":"2017-01-12T04:30:17","modified_gmt":"2017-01-12T09:30:17","slug":"talk-less-better-results-adina-soclof","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.ou.org\/life\/parenting\/talk-less-better-results-adina-soclof\/","title":{"rendered":"Parents: Talk Less to Say More"},"content":{"rendered":"

“Brevity is the soul of wit”<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

-Shakespeare<\/p>\n

In Pirkei Avot (Ethics of Our Fathers) 1:15 it states: \u201cSay little and do much.\u201d According to our sages, Avraham Avinu, our forefather, espoused this characteristic. We as Jews are advised to follow Avraham Avinu\u2019s great ways. And since I am a parent educator, I’m interested to know: can we use this great piece of wisdom when we parent? Can we emulate Avraham\u2019s middah <\/em>(character\u00a0trait) when we try to get through to our kids?<\/p>\n

I think so. There is a great parenting skill that I use at home that is built from this principle, of Saying Little and Doing Much. I borrowed it from the book \u201cHow To Talk So Kids Will Listen\u201d by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish.<\/p>\n

As we have said previously, lecturing and moralizing (i.e. talking a lot) does not help our kids improve their behavior. A short statement of our beliefs and then silence can do all the teaching we need. We can even use just one word to help us get our point across.<\/p>\n

\"\"<\/a>An instinctive and helpful area to use this is in the face of danger. \u00a0When my kids are roughhousing or playing too close to our Shabbat candles, instead of saying:\u00a0\u201cAre you guys crazy? That is so dangerous<\/em>! You can start a fire! You can get badly burned!\u201d\u00a0I will yell:\u00a0\u201cCANDLES! THE CANDLES!\u201d Ditto roughhousing near the steps (THE STEPS!) and, sometimes, just plain roughhousing (YOUR SISTER!).<\/p>\n

But there’s more. I also use this skill as a soft admonishment.\u00a0For example, when my kids don\u2019t want to share their snack, instead of opting for a drawn-out lecture such as,\u00a0\u201cCome on guys, you should share your snacks. It is not nice. Don\u2019t you want to be nice to your sister\u2026?\u201d\u00a0I say firmly,\u00a0\u201cChessed<\/em>\u201d (kindness).\u00a0If my kids are fighting, instead of,\u00a0\u201cWill you stop this squabbling already?!\u201d I’ll\u00a0say,\u00a0\u201cShalom bayit<\/em>\u201d (peace in the home). The hebrew phrases do it nice and succinctly, but it works even when the word (or words) isn’t charged with Biblical significance.<\/p>\n

If my kid always forgets lunch? “Lunch.” Forgets to collect his dirty laundry? “Laundry.” Speaks disrespectfully? “Kibbud av va’em” <\/em>(honoring one’s mother and father). Okay, that’s three words, but you ge the idea.\u00a0Brevity.<\/p>\n

I love this skill of using one word and saying little. It saves time and energy.\u00a0\u00a0And an added bonus: it teaches kids to use the skills of intuition, it helps them think and moves them to act on their own.<\/p>\n

Younger kids might think:\u00a0\u201cThe candles? What is she talking about? Oh, I am too close to the candles and that is dangerous. I better move away.\u201d\u00a0When kids are older they might think, ‘Chessed<\/em>,’ what does she mean? Am I not being nice, am I only thinking of myself?\u201d\u00a0Children, especially teenagers, like this skill.\u00a0\u00a0Brevity is always appreciated, particularly when they know they are acting inappropriately.<\/p>\n

My kids think that it is funny. Now when they are near the steps (and they are not so involved in their rough housing) they will yell at each other, \u201cTHE STEPS! THE STEPS!\u201d They will move away on their own and I don\u2019t even have to use one word!<\/p>\n

So yes, let us move forward in our parenting, saying little and doing much.<\/p>\n

\n
\n

Adina Soclof<\/strong>, MS. CCC-SLP,\u00a0works as a Parent Educator for Bellefaire Jewish Children\u2019s Bureau facilitating\u00a0<\/em>How to Talk so Kids will Listen and Listen so Kids will Talk\u00a0workshops as well as workshops based on\u00a0<\/em>Siblings Without Rivalry. Adina also runs\u00a0parentingsimply.com<\/a>.<\/em><\/p>\n<\/div>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

It takes one word to get your kids to listen.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":720,"featured_media":54884,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[5],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-25396","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-parenting"],"yoast_head":"\nParents: Talk Less to Say More - OU Life<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"A short statement of our beliefs and then silence can do all the teaching we need. 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